Girlfriend of 4 years wants to break up over career plans

[Ulrich714]

I have dated a girl for four and a half years. We met five years ago, and quickly struck up a friendship. We started dating about eight months after we met, and quickly fell in love. We moved in together a few months later. It all felt right. We moved out of our apartment so she could finish school, and I lost my job shortly afterward, so it was a good thing we did. I have a steady job now, but we never got around to moving back in together.

 

I also have a ten year old daughter, who I share custody with her mom, who also lives here. I'm 32, my girlfriend (ex?) is 24.

 

She has always been up front of her life plans from the day we met - she is going to get her degree, then either go to grad school out of state, or find a job out of state and move away. She doesn't like living in the area we are now. In fact, she doesn't like much of anything. She has hated every job she's ever had, because it doesn't pay enough or she thinks she is above it (her resume isn't full of great experience, but her idea of what her skills are is), and thus, thinks that the only possible answer to financial and living security is to move to New York or another large city.

 

She has also broken up with me numerous times. What has happened in the last week is probably the seventh time she has done this. She will list all the reasons why it would not last between us - she wants to move away and I presumably can't due to my daughter, she wants to live in a big city and I presumably don't want to and am just fine where we are now, and she resents the fact that I have a child that would be a priority in my life.

 

Recently, after nearly a year of bliss with no relationship issues outside of usual fights and arguments, she dropped all of the above paragraph on me again, and said we need to break up NOW, because our priorities are different and she is eventually going to move away. Eventually. She speaks of her life plans as if they are all going to occur exactly how and when she wants them to, and she rarely includes me in said plans because, again, she thinks my daughter would keep me here.

 

I should add that each of the last four summers she has done this, which is also the time I have my daughter the most.

 

Now, it would be a process, but I would consider moving with my girlfriend if it allowed itself. I personally want to move somewhere in the pacific northwest within the next few years (Seattle), and there have been times my gf has acted as if she would go with me. However recently, it's New York or bust for her. She now tells me specifically she will not be moving to Seattle.

 

I say all of that because I would consider anything with her. She just refuses to include me and says I'm stuck here with my daughter, and she can't put her "plans and career" on hold for me. She also says we couldn't afford a two bedroom apartment in NYC (so my daughter could have a room), so I can't live with her in the one bedroom apartment she wants.

 

With all that said, I love her, but I see her selfishness. She has even said she "wants to be selfish for a few years" and "start her career" before she wants a relationship. It shouldn't come as a surprise that she lives with her mother (43 years old, but goes clubbing every night) in an apartment she feels is terribly inadequate. She also makes $12 an hour at her job and has worked nothing but retail in her life, so I don't know how she is going to land that $200,000 a year film job in NYC that she says she will get.

 

This has happened so often that I'm tired of it all, but hey, I love the girl. And I want to understand why she so frequently does this to me. We will break up, she will unfriend me on Facebook, all that, then a few days later, she made a terrible mistake and wants me back.

 

What I don't understand is why she wants to break up with me NOW. A preemptive breakup based on career plans that haven't even begun to take shape yet. I would like her to wait until they DO take shape (if they even do) before we have any breakup talk.

 

It just seems like she doesn't want to be with me, but then she swoops back in and wants to go back. Every time she wants to break up, she says she has just been ignoring all of the "problems" we have (her goals vs. my life, my daughter), but the cycle repeats itself.

 

Have I been dating a lunatic?

[ThorntonMelon]

Yes.

 

And you have a daughter who shouldn't be exposed to said lunatic.

 

You can blame maturity or a personality disorder but either way, she sounds terrible.

 

I think you need to start focusing on what you bring to the table and stop focusing on her presumed issues. Your daughter is not a problem. The fact that your "gf" sees her as one is why she should be an ex gf.

[Ulrich714]

I will say that she has always treated my daughter well when we do things together, and when we lived together. It's just behind the scenes that she tells me how she resents her. And she only brings up resenting her when she is talking about breaking up. It's one of her go-to excuses. She isn't constantly slamming my daughter.

 

She comes off as someone who wants to have NOTHING tying her down, and have the opportunity to do ANYTHING she wants to. Me, my daughter, and that combination makes her feel like it would keep her from attaining her goals.

 

What bothers me is that she acts as if she's going to land this awesome job in NYC and live in an awesome apartment, because well, it's her and she will reach that goal. Meanwhile, she is getting her degree with a C average and hasn't had a meaningful job in her entire life. But she WILL make a career for herself! And screw it if it means our relationship has to end.

 

The idea of making a modest salary and living in a modest home in a modest city is terrifying to her. She's going to have a very rude awakening when she realizes she isn't special. Maybe that's why she acts like this - the life she wants is always better than the life she has now.

Edited July 28, 2014 by Ulrich714

[lop98]

She doesn't sound lunatic to me, more like she's in a different stage of life and naturally wants out... you started dating her in the more stable late 20's while she was still a teenager... it's completely normal for her to want to experience other things or to have second thoughts on whether she truly wants a future with you or not. It doesn't sound like she does and it sounds like she keeps going back to you mostly due to withdrawal effects.

 

Also, at her age, it's also normal to have worked mostly in retail and have limited experience, she'll do just fine and believe it or not, she CAN move to NYC and get that film job that she wants... it's happened to anyone with enough effort and certainly when receiving support instead of skepticism.

 

So no she's not breaking up over career plans but life plans. Just let her go, block her so she doesn't keep coming back, you'll see she'll disappear quickly because she's not really coming back to you out of love anymore.

[lop98]

Meanwhile, she is getting her degree with a C average and hasn't had a meaningful job in her entire life. But she WILL make a career for herself!

 

she's going to have a very rude awakening when she realizes she isn't special.

I know you are hurt but if you really believe this, she's better off without you... you're basically saying this relationship with you is as high as someone as ordinary and mediocre as she is can aspire to, well I hope she proves you wrong in years to come. She's still so young, she can do and go anywhere even with the C average that seems to sum up her opportunities for you.

[TheBladeRunner]

I will say that she has always treated my daughter well when we do things together, and when we lived together. It's just behind the scenes that she tells me how she resents her. And she only brings up resenting her when she is talking about breaking up. It's one of her go-to excuses. She isn't constantly slamming my daughter.

 

She comes off as someone who wants to have NOTHING tying her down, and have the opportunity to do ANYTHING she wants to. Me, my daughter, and that combination makes her feel like it would keep her from attaining her goals.

 

What bothers me is that she acts as if she's going to land this awesome job in NYC and live in an awesome apartment, because well, it's her and she will reach that goal. Meanwhile, she is getting her degree with a C average and hasn't had a meaningful job in her entire life. But she WILL make a career for herself! And screw it if it means our relationship has to end.

 

The idea of making a modest salary and living in a modest home in a modest city is terrifying to her. She's going to have a very rude awakening when she realizes she isn't special. Maybe that's why she acts like this - the life she wants is always better than the life she has now.

 

In bold is your answer and a huge red flag. Resenting your child is a big no-no IMO. I won't put up with it. Also, she is 24 and just getting her so called "film career" going (good luck with that BTW) and has grandiose ideas of how wonderful it will be. I have several friends that work in that industry at various capacities and it ain't no bed of roses for them and some have YEARS of experience.

 

I have a younger child OP so don't take this the wrong way. She is tired of dealing with what SHE more than likely feels is baggage (your child). I would suggest finding a woman closer in age that has kids herself. They all say "Oh, I love kids", but in the end...at least for me.....the truth comes out.

 

BTW....living in New York is no picnic unless you are making big dollars. Cut er' loose and move on, there is someone out there that will love you for who you are and lives in reality.

Edited July 28, 2014 by TheBladeRunner
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[pteromom]

It makes me very sad that you would abandon your daughter for someone who is hot and cold and not even that committed to you in the first place.

 

If I ever found myself single and dating, the FIRST time a guy said he resents my child would be the last time he'd have the opportunity to say it. My child comes first. Always.

 

It's possible your gf is a lunatic. It's also possible that she just really really wants to break away from you and is just scared so she keeps running back.

 

Either way, you need to let her go. She doesn't want the life you can offer her. And like it or not, your daughter is part of that life. And you should look at that as a good thing, not an obstacle to being with someone who doesn't really want to be with you in the first place.

[Ulrich714]

She didn't bring up the whole "I can't live/be with someone with a kid" excuse until AFTER we moved in together. It was like she waited to drop that on me.

 

She flip flops back and forth with me a lot. When she wants to break up, she resents my daughter and can't be around "a kid" as she puts it. But when we were talking about moving back in together earlier this year (never materialized), she was asking my daughter about decorating her bedroom and showing her photos online, etc. She is and always has been nice to her. She would talk to me about marriage, even about having children (in a few years). About a future. About how even if she moved away, we would make it work, because we were meant to be together and she loves me.

 

Then, swiftly, she will completely change course and say our lives don't work together, she has been denying all of the "issues" we have, and want to break up. Again, it usually happens in July, after I've had my daughter more in the summer. It's like she gets jealous, and sort of gets back at me by saying we need to break up.

 

Earlier this year, we were talking about moving in together, but her job doesn't pay enough and she will be finishing school this fall. But she talked about applying for jobs here or accepting a promotion at her current job. But, again, that all went to hell over the last week or so. Now, she is going to start applying for jobs in NYC in November and wants to move ASAP after she graduates. Why the sudden change? It's like something spooked her.

[Ulrich714]

I will also add that she only comes crawling back after I give up trying to reason with her and leave her alone. I've never blocked/deleted her from my life, so communication was always open on my end. I find after letting her sit for a few days, she will change back and want to be with me again. This time, she is pretty set on a new life in the big city.

[Ulrich714]

One more point (sorry for multiple replies in a row) - what's with the preemptive breakup? "I don't want to be together anymore because I plan on moving in EIGHT MONTHS." Why not see what happens in eight months and then have this talk? She has done it before, too. "We have different goals." Um, she said this a year ago in another breakup when she was 18 months minimum away from any opportunity to move.

[pteromom]

This time, she is pretty set on a new life in the big city.

 

 

You need to let her go. She's obviously unhappy with you, and the "whys" don't really matter.

 

Let her go. Focus on being a good dad.

[pteromom]

One more point (sorry for multiple replies in a row) - what's with the preemptive breakup? "I don't want to be together anymore because I plan on moving in EIGHT MONTHS." Why not see what happens in eight months and then have this talk?

 

Why waste 8 months with someone you don't see yourself with long term?

[rester]

She's only 24! You need to let her go or she will resent you for holding her back in life. Who knows what she can accomplish in New York? Maybe she'll fail and have to move back home, or maybe she'll fail and move to another city, or maybe she'll love it and be successful. Only time will tell. The last thing she needs is you telling her she won't make it. She's far too young to be tied down if she doesn't want to be.

[Ulrich714]

She already resents me, and she hasn't even tried to move away or do anything yet.

 

I don't want it to seem like I'm not supportive of her. I am. I want her to be successful and to be happy. Do I react somewhat negativity when she says she wants to move away and get out of our city, because she is so unhappy here? And makes no mention of me going with her? And says "you have a kid, you can't move with me" when I ask? Sure. Wouldn't that bug anyone in a relationship if their partner said that? I don't tell her it's a mistake, or that she won't succeed. Even if I did, it would fall on deaf ears, because she is convinced she is destined for greatness.

 

I also want to make it clear that my child is very important to me. And I do not like hearing my gf say she resents her. And I would not move to another city with my gf and damage the relationship with my child. But she only says these things when she is in breakup mode. Like I said, she has hung out with my daughter, taken her swimming, (as I said) asked her to help design her bedroom when we moved back in together. Then, things happen, and she suddenly does a 180 turn and can't be with me because I have "a kid." It's like her go to excuse. I'm not sure if she really believes it.

 

She found out about a month ago her mom can't afford their apartment anymore and gave her 60 day notice. I don't really know what my gf is going to do, because financially, we cannot quickly move in together....we saved up and were ready the first time. Part of me thinks the stress gets to her, and she makes emotional decisions. She can control our relationship, so she ends it. I don't know. I think it's deeper than "I have goals and you can't be part of them."

[veggirl]

It's very simple. She's only 24 and has been dating you, an older guy with a kid, since she was TWENTY. She wants to be young and single, not tied down. I don't blame her. Honestly you should have known better 4 years ago.

 

Let her figure out where she's going to live. Don't move in with someone so wishy washy.

[pteromom]

Part of me thinks the stress gets to her, and she makes emotional decisions. She can control our relationship, so she ends it. I don't know. I think it's deeper than "I have goals and you can't be part of them."

 

Ok, so let's roll with your hypothesis.

 

Let's say that's it - she's happy overall, but when she gets stressed out, she freaks and breaks it off. But she always comes back.

 

If that's the case, then you should just expect this behavior every time anything stressful happens, and not worry about it. If you think she'll be back, then you are worrying over nothing.

 

But why that's acceptable to you, I don't understand.

 

Either way, you have no control over what she does. She's either going to leave, or she isn't.

[Ulrich714]

I'm just saying that the only times she brings up wanting to move far, far away is when her current situation isn't ideal, such as right now. We toured apartments about three months ago, she started a new job, she talked about wanting to take a manager position when she finished school in December, or if she didn't get it, she would apply for other jobs here in town. She started bookmarking furniture she wanted and got really excited about a particular complex, she spoke of being with me forever. She occasionally would speak of grad school, but it was always in a way that we could continue to be together...she would go somewhere closer than NYC, for instance.

 

Then, we decided that financially we shouldn't move in together until after the first of the year. Then her mom gave her notice and is moving out. Her job is giving her extra duties (she is quite good at what she does) but no pay increase. She now hates her job. Now, within the last week, she is all about moving away, needing to be selfish, and since I can't (in her opinion) go with her, we need to break up. It's like if her life is hectic, she must create more drama with me. Nothing triggered this.

 

I know it's easy to read all of this and assume she is a selfish bitch. She can be. But I've also been around her for four years, and have seen her sway from one side to the other, based upon where she is financially and how she is living. It's like moving far far away is her way of telling herself it gets better.

[pteromom]

No, I don't assume she is a selfish bitch. I assume she is someone who isn't happy with her current life, wants to be happy, and is willing to say goodbye to you in order to try to get it.

 

No matter how she really feels about your daughter, she doesn't want to be the one to take you away from her, and she also doesn't want to give up on her dream.

 

LET

HER

GO

 

Encourage her to go live the life she wants.

[nousername21]

I'm in a slightly similiar situation. The guy I'm with let his parents move without him out west, but he's dead set on moving in half a year. He plans on saving up about 2,000 or a little more, and us just moving out west and then dealing with finding a job. He doesn't want to drive there. He wants to fly, so neither of us will have a car. I have no job experience. He has his current job that he just recently got and another job he had for a few months, a couple of years ago. He's completely against staying though, or even staying much longer, regardless if that means we have to break up. So I feel your pain there.

 

He's a little more lenient. He always includes me in the plans but I just feel his plans are slightly unrealistic. Finding a job, a place to live, and means to get there on 2-3000?

 

Maybe she's narcissistic. I say that because her constant back and forth with emotions. I'd let her go. I'd let my boyfriend go if he did that or at least really try. She'll probably have to fail to really regret being like this, but who knows? Maybe she won't and in that case, you'll find someone else eventually. Someone who has the same life plans and I know that isn't much help, but it's the truth.

[Ulrich714]

I think my girlfriend wants stability and money. If she was offered a $50,000 a year job where we live now, she wouldn't want to move, or at least not immediately move. Two things happened in the last month: her mom gave her 60 day notice at their apartment, and I told her that it wasn't financially feasible for us to move right now. She doesn't want to drop out of school with only a semester left, so she's screwed for the next six months or so. But as soon as she graduates, she's out of here.

 

Her plan is to apply for jobs in NYC and move as soon as she gets one. I don't think she cares about saving money. She has three maxed out credit cards, a 2013 car that she bought brand new that she still owes on for four years, and several other bills....plus student loans after she graduates.

 

If I could support us financially, she wouldn't be moving. Not having money is the worst thing in the world to her.

[veggirl]

She is too young! Let her be single and stupid if that's what she wants.

 

She is clearly not ready for an adult relationship, she can't even manager her money! And she resents your kid, which should be a DEALBREAKER for you. She would be a horrible role model for a kid right now, anyway, esp one nearing the teen years.

[hoping2heal]

I'm sorry, I started laughing when I read the line about her moving to NYC for financial security and I have not quit laughing.

 

Maybe I shouldn't because I don't know what these skills she possesses are but :lmao::lmao:.

 

Do you both live in a small town now or something?

 

Anyway, I don't see how you two are ever going to work out long-term. You have a daughter that she wants you to cut out. I know you haven't said she's said that, but it couldn't be more obvious. She admits the resentment, she plans to move out of state, etc. I don't know if she is trying to manipulate you into doing just that or she's just a 24 year old brat, I really can't tell.

 

But, as it stands, you have a daughter and she doesn't like it. How is that ever going to work long term? Be realistic with yourself.

[Ulrich714]

No, I don't assume she is a selfish bitch. I assume she is someone who isn't happy with her current life, wants to be happy, and is willing to say goodbye to you in order to try to get it.

 

Absolutely she is.

 

It's been a few days. I spent Monday (day she said she wanted to break up) upset and in agony, compared to the other breakups , and then all of Tuesday constantly checking Facebook to see if she unfriended me (she hasn't yet and still lists us as in a relationship) and then, about the 100th time I checked, I looked at her photos, and.....just didn't feel it as strongly anymore. Do I love her and care about her? Yes. Do I want her to contact me and apologize and just say she's going through a lot right now? Yes. But do I want her to keep telling me how it's not working and do this again in six months? No.

 

She made all of these life goals before we met. She has repeatedly told me, "I have set goals! They are my dreams! I can't just put them aside!"

 

Um, yes you can. You made these goals when you were 18, single, never had a boyfriend before, and at a completely different time in your life. Then, she meets me and falls in love. Would it be so damn bad to maybe adjust your life to be with someone? Realize that maybe being with me could be beneficial? I guess not.

 

Her goal of moving to NYC keeps getting more desperate. She told me Monday she wants to move within a year. A couple of days ago, it was six months. Last night, she told me she wants to move as soon as she graduates in December, so now it's five months. That's the ONLY way she can be happy. She can't take what she has here and make it work and live. It's sad.