She cheated, lied, and then dumped me for him.

[jdbalt]

So I've been with her for a year and a half. This is going to sound bad but when we got together she had a boyfriend. She cheated on him for me and ended up breaking up with him for me. I know that's a horrible way to start a relationship and in retrospect I probably got what I deserve but at the time I was in love with her and I was blind. I told myself it was just because he wasn't right for her. Her was sort of an absentee boyfriend and they didn't see each other very much. They lived 10 minutes away from one another and saw each other maybe once a week and maybe talked on the phone once a week.

 

So we got together and got into a relationship. We meshed really well and I'd never gotten along as well with anyone as well as I had gotten along with her. She said she felt he same way about me. We had a genuinely deep connection and we both loved each other very much and we had a lot of fun. We had very few problems and we hardly ever fought. We communicated with one another and everything seemed fine.

Throughout the relationship I had internships. I went on two 3 month internships. 1 was close enough for her to visit. The other wasn't. We made it through both of these although the second was more difficult than the first. Anyways, we were starting to talk about marriage and she was going to move when I got a job.

 

So I finally got a good job, started my career, and then moved. She helped me plan everything. She even came down and bought decorations for me and came to my job to see everything. She pressured me into sharing a cell phone plan and said jokingly "Now you're stuck with me for two years" and "I'm obsessed with you, I'd never break up with you."

About a month after this, she starts acting really flakey. Suddenly we're on a break. She admits that she "flirted" with another guy. Come to find out later that she was alone with him in his parents house (he lives with his parents) late at night. She said nothing happened but I don't believe her. Anyways, she ends up breaking up with me and tells me she wants to be alone and wants to be on her own. A few weeks later I see a picture on facebook of her with the guy. I figure out who he is and see his profile says in a relationship. A week or two later, her name is next to that relationship status.

 

I should mention that after we broke up, we tried to be friends with disastrous results and she pretty much cut off all contact. So I'm all alone in a new city. I have no friends here and I don't know anyone. My girlfriend of a year and a half who I was planning to marry cheated on me, lied to me, strung me along, dumped me, and then got into a relationship with the guy she cheated on me for and then cut me out of her life. How do I get over this? I don't want her back. I don't want to be friends with her. I do want her to acknowledge that what she did to me was horrible and ****ty and I want to realize how badly what she did hurt me and how difficult this has been for me.

 

I just want to her to show some remorse or regret or sympathy or anything. I realize once a cheater always a cheater. I should've seen the fact that she cheated on her previous ex for me as a red flag and when I asked her if she felt bad about it she said no and that should have been a red flag. Again I told myself that he wasn't right for her and I naively believed that she wouldn't do this to me.

 

She did say when we were on a break that she didn't have any problem breaking up with her last boyfriend but she had a problem doing it with me because she felt like I was right for her and that we meshed well. It still didn't stop her from doing what she did.

Edited July 28, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[Zahara]

In order for her to feel remorse and to apologize, she's going to have to self-reflect and acknowledge her wrongdoing. She cheated on her ex and saw no wrongdoing in it and just repeated the pattern with you. Do you actually think that you're just a little bit more special than the next guy that you feel entitled to an apology and that she's suddenly going to have a moral epiphany? You were the rule. Just another guy she repeated the pattern and dysfunction with.

 

You don't need the apology to move on or to validate you. You accept her for what she was/is and you embrace the lesson. She's a cheater. You were an accomplice and it bit you right back. You'll be far more smarter in the future.

Edited July 28, 2014 by Zahara

[jdbalt]

I should also mention that she just turned 25 and has a career (the same as mine actually) and an education. She doesn't do drugs or drink. She has her own apartment.

 

 

I'm 28 with a career, an apartment, an education, I used to smoke cigarettes but quit. I don't drink.

 

 

The guy she left me for is 21. Has a GED. Works at a pawn shop. Lives with his parents. Smokes pot and drinks. Doesn't seem to have any real goals or aspirations.

 

 

I feel like I got thrown away and I'm comparing myself to this and asking myself why was it so easy for her to leave me for him. I don't know that guy but he doesn't seem like the kind of guy she ends up being with. I guess he's attractive as far as guys go and he was in the same place that she was. I don't know how to get past this. I can't stop thinking about her and obsessing about this. It's interfering with my life. I randomly burst into tears when I'm in my apartment. I'm trying to keep my mind off of her but it just feels like I got ripped open. I don't have any friends here to spend time with to get my mind off of it. Her and I talked every day for a year and a half and now I can't stop thinking about the fact that she loves him now and she's talking to him instead of me and won't even give the time of day. This has been agony and I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy.

[jdbalt]

I know and I understand that but she told me that she'd never been with someone she felt so connected to. She told me that I was the first person she felt like she could marry and I was the first guy she lived with. She has a history of cheating before that other guy. I feel like I walked right into but I was in love with her. I do accept the fact that maybe this is karma and I deserve it and I feel remorse for being an accomplice to her cheating but I told myself that maybe I was different. It sure seemed like it. For one thing, we spent every waking moment that we could together.

[jdbalt]

It just sucks... I know I don't need her to validate me. I know she's not going to have a moral epiphany. I just need to figure out how to get over her because nothing I've been doing is working. I genuinely loved her and I thought she genuinely loved me and that she changed. I don't know why she's like that. All the things she said to me made it seem like I was different

[jdbalt]

I'm also afraid of him being the exception to the rule

[jdbalt]

Has anyone been in a situation like this? What happened? Did you get over it? What happened to the former partner?

[jdbalt]

I just want to know that I wasn't meaningless to her. I want to know that I mattered to her. I feel pathetic and part of me still loves her and misses her and wants to be with her and I hate that.

[music_and_poetry]

Hey dude, I'm sorry you're going through this and that you're in pain. It sounds like you've been reflecting on this a lot and have some guilt about how you happened and also are hurt and angry over how things ended.

 

Unfortunately it seems like this is a pattern/habit of this chick. You need to realize that for whatever reason that she checked out a long time ago, and that cheating/guy-hopping may be her thing. To be honest, that's a huge sign of insecurity and signifies she can't be alone. That may hurt like a mother****er but that's not someone you want to be with right now. If she gets her **** together, then maybe one day. But not now. Even if that day comes, you may not even want her at that point.

 

May I say, it may be worth telling her how her actions affected you even though she probably knows. I told off the guy who led me on for three months and I'm glad I gave him a piece of my mind even though it didn't change anything. I wanted him to know I wasn't okay with being treated poorly. Sometimes I go back and forth analyzing what I told him and how he took it, but I think I'd hate myself even more if I left quietly and kept everything to myself.

 

I'm in process of healing too, and I'm here if you need someone to talk to! Good luck with your healing and I do hope you find someone better.

[flitzanu]

first thing, you need to quit stalking her facebook and his, and block her on all social media, delete her number, and cut her out of your life completely. if you don't see that she exists, it's easier to forget. at this point, you're not going to hear anything from her, she's done, and i can promise she isn't wasting a minute of her day worrying about you the way you're worrying about her.

[jdbalt]

Thank you everyone for the support. I have blocked her on facebook and the guy and pretty much everyone she knows. I don't really want her to be able to keep tabs on my life and I definitely don't want to torture myself by seeing pictures of her and him. I unfortunately have her number memorized since we shared a cell phone plan for about a month and my email wont let me delete her address from my contacts for some reason. I think the only the thing I can do is just disappear from her life completely and try my best to move on with mine. I hate the temptation to contact her. It's gotten me more than a few times.

 

 

It's been a month and a half and the first week after the breakup we didn't contact one another. Then we spent a week trying to be friends. Then I broke down about everything and acted pathetic. Then we agreed not to speak. Then I saw that picture of them together. It wasn't on her facebook, it was on her work's facebook (which was a place that I used to work). Then I contacted her venting and fuming about her cheating. Then she told me she spent time alone at his house late and night. That made me mad and I vented my frustration but I didn't say anything that was too out of line. I went no contact and so did she. No contact was going well until I saw that stupid relationship status. Then I told her how it all made me feel and how she should've just been honest from the beginning instead of letting me find out like this. She didn't respond. I don't honestly think she cared.

 

 

It's just so messed up that she's the one who keeps cheating and breaking peoples hearts and turning their lives upside down and she ends up happy while the other people end up miserable and mourning a loss. The most ****ed up thing is that doesn't seem like the type. She looks like the epitome of innocence.

 

 

I should've just stopped talking to her right after the breakup because nothing I've said throughout this whole ordeal made any difference with her or the way I felt. In fact, it just made me feel like a complete fool.

 

 

Any tips on how to forget her?

[johnson_j]

 

 

instead of letting me find out like this. She didn't respond. I don't honestly think she cared.

 

 

It's just so messed up that she's the one who keeps cheating and breaking peoples hearts and turning their lives upside down and she ends up happy while the other people end up miserable and mourning a loss. The most ****ed up thing is that doesn't seem like the type. She looks like the epitome of innocence.

 

 

I should've just stopped talking to her right after the breakup because nothing I've said throughout this whole ordeal made any difference with her or the way I felt. In fact, it just made me feel like a complete fool.

 

 

Any tips on how to forget her?

 

 

Been there, done that. Except I wasn't a willing participant in the cheating. I had no idea about the other guy until just one day my world was turned upside down. So let me address a few of your points:

 

 

1) Does she care? Who knows, I have a hard time believing that she or any women in this situation doesn't have a heart, they might act like they don't care but once this new guy becomes routine they mourn the prior one. My girl said horrible mean things to me, that I would have never expected, and then the next day sent a ton of "blowing heart kisses" texts and was all kind of lovey.

 

 

2) Innocence? Liars have a way of playing the "I'm harmless" card. Its part of their charm and drawing you into their circle.

 

 

3) How to get over her? It's not going to be easy bud. Not at all. I don't know what to tell you but do what you need to do. Avoid situations where you will be temped to check on her. If you want to text her, turn off your phone. If you want to check FB, turn off your computer. Etc. Just remember that this girl is caustic and you're much better off without her.

 

 

Yep - my ex - we were going to be together forever and have such a great year. She might act like she's having a great year with other guy, but I strongly suspect it's nothing more than either a) fake happiness or b) something transient.

 

 

I can't say I'm yet happy but I am now content to have her out of my life after 6 months of drama and BS.

 

 

Good luck

[Shockwave]

I feel for you because my ex cheated on me too. It's horrible. I didn't even know about the other guy. She told our mutual friend who set us up that she was absolutely single when he asked her. We met, clicked had (I thought) a deep connection and never fought. Then one day she tells me she flew out of town to see if there was anything still there with the guy she saw for two months before me. The really crazy thing is she made out with me right before I found out. It was like standing in the dark and getting hit with a hammer. I never saw it coming.

 

Don't look at her FB or social media. It only hurts you. I did it and saw the guy she left me for. Like you, I couldn't believe it either and he's an ugly dude. If it helps at all, know that you're in good company.

[emotionalMess]

Here is your plan.

 

You are 28. Its time to live it up.

 

Grieve for a bit but for not long because this b*tch is not worth another minute of your time. I know its hard but I know and you know she is a cheating b*tch who only cares about herself. You do not and would never take her back. Your ego has taken a hit and this is where the pain is mostly coming from. Not from lost love. It was not genuine, you see this now.

 

Here is the plan, you are 28. Get ready to go on a lot of dates and tell each woman from the get go that you are just getting over a long term relationship and you are not looking for anything exclusive. Pile up the date count. Not the lay count, the date count. In the pool, there will be some cheaters and there will be some that would not ever cheat. This is your opportunity to learn more about the

female species, learn something and find someone who is really good for you.

 

Remember, be honest and tell each one up front that you are not looking for anything exclusive.

 

You can do this man. Put her in your rear view mirror.

 

She is gonna find herself in a horrible place soon and that is for certain. Don't ask me how I know, I just know. There is a destination for these types of uncaring people and believe me, you don't want to be around when that karma comes a calling for her.