emotionalMess Posted July 27, 2014 Share Posted July 27, 2014 I made mistake after mistake and I don't know why I continue to put myself where I am or why this crap is happening anymore. Many would say I'm getting what I deserve but I really need help here - I got no where else to go but LS. Please try not to judge. Background I was in an emotional relationship with a woman for 6 months during which time I was in a long term relationship (its over now). Yes, I was cheating (emotionally). The woman I was emotionally involved with became clingy so I asked for space. She swiftly replaced me with another emotional relationship. I was in denial until she left and found out the hard way that I was head over heels in love. I could not sleep, eat, etc.. you name it I was in a horrible place. She stuck around for a few weeks but I had too much pain and told her I was going NC and to not contact me ever again. Its been a painful 6 months and I have broken contact twice in the last 4 months only to be ignored. The relationship is completely forbidden in her culture. She faces eviction, family dis-ownment or worse and this is no joke if her parents find out about me. I was ignorant of the culture until recent months. Here is the big problem So her family members work as local merchants at a local establishment. The do's and don'ts of breakups was all new to me. I was so distraught early on I would go to the establishment just be friendly to them and have that sense that she was somehow near. Of course this is a big no-no. One day, at the establishment, her sibling noticed that I had gym clothes on and asked which gym I belong to. Turns out we both go to the same gym but we go at different times so I never see him. I later learned how stupid and wrong it was to be friendly with any of her family. I did exactly would I should not have done, I was overly friendly. We were not buddies or friends, just cool acquaintances who would just talk for a few seconds at checkout. This happened maybe 3 times. At any rate, I saw him today, not at the local establishment but at a movie theater as we were walking past each other and I think I he saw me so, not to be rude, I said hi. Another huge mistake. We chatted for a few min about the gym and he said he has been busy with work and does not go. He works at a nowhere job which will take him nowhere fast. I stupidly and passionately pushed the -you must go to school- agenda and gave him some tips. What the hell was I thinking? He shared some more personal info about where he is in life. WHY? WHY? am I so stupid??? I thought we were done and the worst thing that could have happened happened. He asked me for my number and asked me to txt him when I go to the gym so we can work out together. WHY? WTF just happened here?? Its like the universe is punishing me for being stupid. I am not a fast thinker (dumb@ss) when I am a bit flustered so what could I do there, I had to exchange numbers. What now? This is obviously a huge problem there is no way I can have a buddy buddy relationship with him. It would appear completely in-genuine if he ever found out. Its not however, I really like this person as a guy friend, that's beside the point. I have no communication channels open to her but even if I did, she would think I am some crazy stalker guy if I tried to explain what happened the way it happened. If I really wanted to I could contact her but I think that is also a horrible idea. I cannot quit the gym because all my friends (makeshift therapists) are there. The only thing I can do is never contact him knowing that when I do see him, it will be very awkward. If by some miracle the one I love comes back to me (it will never happen), her sibling will know me as an unreliable person. Why am I so stupid and ignorant? I know better, I was stupid. It was not intentional I promise, the stupid words just came rolling off my stupid tongue. Please advise as I really need some ideas here. Link to post Share on other sites
ja123 Posted July 27, 2014 Share Posted July 27, 2014 Try to keep things in perspective: -You're obsessing about this girl because you never really knew her. It was an emotional relationship; so, she seems perfect on some level, but this perfection is a fantasy and a projection of your mind. - You want her more now because you're feeling guilty for having asked for space, then losing her to someone else during that time. (Dude, if you were in an actual relationship with her, then you'd probably be going crazy because you'd have no space at all!) - You want her more now because she's with someone else. (a. So, it seems safe to lust after her because you're not going to get her now; when you need to admit to yourself you didn't want her anyway. b. It's like she got a stamp of approval from someone else after you rejected her, so you're being possessive wondering what you missed.) - You want her now to buffer you from the uncomfortable feelings of a LTR break-up and now being alone. - You were stalking her family because you were obsessing about her. Don't concern yourself with what the brother would think if you don't text him to go to the gym. If you see him again then be evasive, if he asks (don't volunteer an explanation). So, what to do? - Keep coming here to work this through. - Considering counseling, if necessary. - Take a vacation soon (even if only for a weekend): changing scenes can be a good thing. - Have a fling as a temporary distraction. (Be upfront about it being NSA, no need to add being a heartbreaker to your list of woes.) - Be brave and cry. You've lost two women recently. You're bound to feel sad. Allow yourself to feel your emotions. It can be really uncomfortable, but you'll be healing yourself and getting yourself into the right place for another relationship, eventually. You won't just jump into a relationship to fill a void. You'll be complete and in a good place on your own, thus being able to make a better relationship choice because you won't be desperate. Hope this helps ... Good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
Author emotionalMess Posted July 27, 2014 Author Share Posted July 27, 2014 Yes. You hit the nail on many of the heads. I have to keep reminding myself that at some point I pushed her away, not only because she was getting to close and calling me all the time and it was a risk of getting exposed to my LTR but I remember, I really did not like her behavior at that point and I didn't like her much. I was thinking it may have been an act and she was trying to make me not like her because she wanted to end it in the coming weeks. But not likely. You are correct, I was desperate because I was in a non-loving LTR. I think I will seek an NSA fling soon. Why not? Great idea. I am really done with this person 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author emotionalMess Posted July 28, 2014 Author Share Posted July 28, 2014 So what is the quickest way to find an NSA fling? I did not want to sign up for any date sites yet, cause I dont want to put my self out there until things settle down with moving and such. I was thinking a good option is to find someone like me who just got out of a non-loving relationship and just wants the same as me. I don't even want to know her real name. But don't know where to find those other than LS What would be a good NSA fling scenerio I was thinking: Play boyfriend for a weekend. Meet in a resort like area neither of us have ever been to or just go to her place after a really nice dinner, movie or dancing. Make out in the movie theater and other public places.. and all the way to the destination Not sure. Any ideas out there? Women? What would be a good nsa fling fantasy? Link to post Share on other sites
Author emotionalMess Posted July 28, 2014 Author Share Posted July 28, 2014 Ladies, please reply with some perspective I'm considering seeking an NSA fling as a temporary distraction. Meaning, have a date and a one or two night stand so long as the other person agree's to the same No Strings Attached arrangement. Assuming, both will exchange photo's and other bio info ahead to confirm mutual attraction, what would occur on an ideal NSA date? Thanks for you input. Link to post Share on other sites
ConfusedHumanBeing Posted July 28, 2014 Share Posted July 28, 2014 The way you ask those questions, its sounds WAY too forced. Just my .02. Anyways, I think casual dating is fine, but seeing all of your previous post, I dont think you would fit the no strings attached mold. Doing that when you are still emotionally damaged will put you THAT much more in depression. My advice: Casual dating OK One night stands: NO Link to post Share on other sites
Tbisb74 Posted July 28, 2014 Share Posted July 28, 2014 Ladies, please reply with some perspective I'm considering seeking an NSA fling as a temporary distraction. Meaning, have a date and a one or two night stand so long as the other person agree's to the same No Strings Attached arrangement. Assuming, both will exchange photo's and other bio info ahead to confirm mutual attraction, what would occur on an ideal NSA date? Thanks for you input. So you are looking for a lady as a F*kcbuddy, in order merely to alleviate your pain. You just want someone you can screw as a form of anaesthetic. Nice. I suggest in this case you hire a lady who would be willing to do that for you, but who would rightly at least require some form of financial recompense. After all, it's just a bit one-sided otherwise isn't it? Using people for your own requirements is a rude, shallow and completely insensitive thing to do. Finding a lady with the same mind-set is not going to be an easy task, because there's one tiny fly in the ointment: Emotions. And yours are currently running to high to be relied upon. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author emotionalMess Posted July 28, 2014 Author Share Posted July 28, 2014 (edited) Prior to my LTR, I had a string of one night stands and yes all of them were willing, it always came easy and neither of us regretted it as we both used each other if you will. So no, a prostitute is not required in my case. But that was years back, and I had to go to a social event, and work for it for a few hours (not days or weeks but hours). With today's technology I bet I can cut that work time at least in half and that is no joke. CHB, thanks but don't worry. This is not my first rodeo. Edited July 28, 2014 by emotionalMess Link to post Share on other sites
Tbisb74 Posted July 28, 2014 Share Posted July 28, 2014 The big problem you have now is your agenda. ONS when you're out to just have fun, is one thing. Going out in an attempt to f*ukc yourself healed, is a bad idea. Never mind the woman, your motivation is completely wrong. How many ONS do you think it will take before you cast this into oblivion? Why use someone else to get YOU out of a mess? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author emotionalMess Posted July 28, 2014 Author Share Posted July 28, 2014 Why? Cause I have not had sex in a long f*cking time. Yes, sex can be used for pleasure only so long as both agree that is the MO. And there is nothing wrong with consenting adults to do this. I'm not looking to heal via NSA sex. Its more like a recreational activity. Some play golf, some go bobbing for apples. I prefer to f*ck. Link to post Share on other sites
Tbisb74 Posted July 28, 2014 Share Posted July 28, 2014 Why? Cause I have not had sex in a long f*cking time. Yes, sex can be used for pleasure only so long as both agree that is the MO. And there is nothing wrong with consenting adults to do this. I'm not looking to heal via NSA sex. Its more like a recreational activity. Some play golf, some go bobbing for apples. I prefer to f*ck. Well, there's no need to get defensive, so watch your language. You could do with playing golf. Work off some of that sexual tension. And bobbing for apples needs no mental application. so find a lady doing the same, and hey presto. Ready-made apple pie bed....After all, you're the 'emotionalMess', not I..... Link to post Share on other sites
Author emotionalMess Posted July 28, 2014 Author Share Posted July 28, 2014 Women are drawn to me because I am attractive. Then they find they wouldn't mind sleeping with me because they can see right away that I am not an @sshole. That's the honest truth. Link to post Share on other sites
BC1980 Posted July 29, 2014 Share Posted July 29, 2014 Prior to my LTR, I had a string of one night stands and yes all of them were willing, it always came easy and neither of us regretted it as we both used each other if you will. So no, a prostitute is not required in my case. But that was years back, and I had to go to a social event, and work for it for a few hours (not days or weeks but hours). With today's technology I bet I can cut that work time at least in half and that is no joke. CHB, thanks but don't worry. This is not my first rodeo. If it's not your first rodeo, why are you asking us what it's going to be like? I'm sure you can easily find someone who is up for sex. It's not that difficult. It may not be the ideal person, but there's always someone willing. Link to post Share on other sites
BC1980 Posted July 29, 2014 Share Posted July 29, 2014 Women are drawn to me because I am attractive. Then they find they wouldn't mind sleeping with me because they can see right away that I am not an @sshole. That's the honest truth. Except for the fact that the one woman you want is not available to you. Look, finding a FWB isn't going to cure you of any of the pain you are going through, but go for it by all means. Just don't be under the allusion you are going to heal from it. Your posts are seriously all over the place, and you are grasping at anything as a distraction. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author emotionalMess Posted July 30, 2014 Author Share Posted July 30, 2014 Grasping at anything as a distraction? Yes , that is the whole point, Look, it took me a while and I took the long road but I'm done . She will never contact me and no way in all Hell Will I contact her ever . Link to post Share on other sites
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