Thinking about breaking NC to apologize.

[Sunberry]

It's been a year and some months. My actions around the time were deplorable. I want to contact him and apologize for those times and then wish him well and hoping to be friends later in some chapter of our lives. I know he has a girlfriend now...so I want him to know that I do wish him everlasting happiness and then kill it. I just want to find closure into knowing he doesn't find me a lunatic. I would like a second opinion please?

[Simon Phoenix]

The best apology is leaving him alone. The fact that he has a girlfriend makes it an even worse idea. You'll do a lot more good letting sleeping dogs lie than you would with any apology. He would definitely be like "oh boy, not this s--t again" if you sent him an unsolicited apology e-mail.

 

I have to give you a two thumbs down here. Sorry.

[supportlove]

I just want to find closure into knowing he doesn't find me a lunatic.

 

Not necessary. The way he thinks about you depends on what kind of ppl he is. Wether he thinks you are a lunatic or good oldie, he already made his mind. An email won't change a thing. Don't apologize for you acting crazy, it only would recall bad memories.

[Ordinaryday]

were you the dumper or dumpee???

 

if you are the dumper then ANY contact, ANY WHATSOEVER, that is not about reconciling and saying you want to get back together runs the risk of setting the dumpee back, bringing up old painful memories and hurting them. it should NEVER be done. this includes any apology in which you say 'sorry' but are still firm that they are not welcome with you anymore.

 

if you are the dumpee then they pretty much said they dont want you in their life anymore when they dumped you. this includes all occasions, including apologies.

[Sunberry]

were you the dumper or dumpee???

 

if you are the dumper then ANY contact, ANY WHATSOEVER, that is not about reconciling and saying you want to get back together runs the risk of setting the dumpee back, bringing up old painful memories and hurting them. it should NEVER be done. this includes any apology in which you say 'sorry' but are still firm that they are not welcome with you anymore.

 

if you are the dumpee then they pretty much said they dont want you in their life anymore when they dumped you. this includes all occasions, including apologies.

 

I am, unfortunately, the dumpee. It sounded like a nice thing to do in terms of closure and finally moving on but I guess not...Will I always have to avoid him in evry group setting, worrying about running into him, etc? We share the same group of friends and it's getting unbearable now..which is why I hope for a friendship in the near future...but I gues that's a pipedream.

[hoping2heal]

I am, unfortunately, the dumpee. It sounded like a nice thing to do in terms of closure and finally moving on but I guess not...Will I always have to avoid him in evry group setting, worrying about running into him, etc? We share the same group of friends and it's getting unbearable now..which is why I hope for a friendship in the near future...but I gues that's a pipedream.

 

Unbearable because why?

 

How is developing a friendship going to change what is unbearable about it?

[Sunberry]

Unbearable because why?

 

How is developing a friendship going to change what is unbearable about it?

 

What is unbearable, most of time, is when there are big group events between friends then I avoid them because I know he's there or around. Before this thought I thought it would be best to stay out of his life as much as I can, that includes seeing him. A lot of these events have friends I won't get a chance to see for awhile. I thought a friendship would bury the hatchet in order to be comfortable in any setting, but as I type this I can see how selfish I'm being..

[SoThatHappened]

Sunberry,

 

I'm in the same boat. I was the dumper, however. I just want to bury the hatchet like you.

 

Unfortunately, many (who are also veterans of LoveShack and know what they're talking about) will tell you to leave it be.

 

Me, being a rookie at all things considering the heart, want to tell you to go for it.

 

It sucks having to be around them/friends/family and feel like you have to avoid places and people. I, like you, just want to let the past go and be as civil and cordial as possible... and let go of the pain/hurt/guilt.

 

I'm torn though. I want to apologize to a former ex for how I broke it off. Mainly because I just want us both to bury the hatchet and continue in our lives without resentment.

 

However, I don't want to entertain any apology from my current ex. She can eat $h*t and die for all I care. I don't want to allow her the satisfaction of relieving any guilt she has.

 

The difference between the two: the former ex is worth it.

 

I hope you can figure out what's right for you and continue in your life without regret. That's not too much to ask, IMO.

[Sunberry]

Sunberry,

 

I'm in the same boat. I was the dumper, however. I just want to bury the hatchet like you.

 

Unfortunately, many (who are also veterans of LoveShack and know what they're talking about) will tell you to leave it be.

 

Me, being a rookie at all things considering the heart, want to tell you to go for it.

 

It sucks having to be around them/friends/family and feel like you have to avoid places and people. I, like you, just want to let the past go and be as civil and cordial as possible... and let go of the pain/hurt/guilt.

I'm torn though. I want to apologize to a former ex for how I broke it off. Mainly because I just want us both to bury the hatchet and continue in our lives without resentment.

 

However, I don't want to entertain any apology from my current ex. She can eat $h*t and die for all I care. I don't want to allow her the satisfaction of relieving any guilt she has.

 

The difference between the two: the former ex is worth it.

 

I hope you can figure out what's right for you and continue in your life without regret. That's not too much to ask, IMO.

 

 

A few veterans would probably agree that I should find closure within myself and shouldn't look to him for anything. That has been very difficult and still can't see how one can. If they do they're lucky.

 

With that being said I am still on the fence. The last thing he told me was to leave him alone in the most hateful way possible (I haven't cheated or anything along those lines). And so I have, but everything is so awkward when around friends, and I have to move around him in order to abide by his wishes. Now that he has a girlfriend, it has become set in stone. The one thing I'm afraid about doing is like one the above posters said him beginning to be annoyed because I decided to talk to him again. I wish my friends never told me he had one...

 

I've blamed (or still blame) myself considerably. Y'know how many apologies mean nothing? I was that person I suppose...but away I am able to see why..

 

He ..doesn't care...

[EricaH329]

I haven't read the responses to this thread because I want to share my own personal experience with a situation similar to this.

 

After my ex-fiance and I broke up, I did a lot of self-reflection. After about a year or so (when we were both settled into our new lives without eachother) I decided to write him an email and let him know what I realized that I did wrong, and I apologized for it. I didn't search for a response from him, and I wasn't expecting one. If you want to apologize to someone for doing something you've realized is wrong, then it needs to be for the sole purpose of doing just that. Not re-opening lines of communication, or for some other hidden agenda.

 

My advice to you is that you should write him/her an email apologizing for the wrongs you've done, but ONLY for that purpose. If there is another reason behind wanting to contact them, then I would begin re-evaluating your motives and focus on that.

[d0nnivain]

The fact that you reached out months later out of the blue will make you look more like a lunatic then anything you may have said or done in the emotional heat of the immediate break up.

 

Out of respect for his new GF don't contact him. She doesn't want you two talking or being friends. Think about how you'd feel if the EX of your new BF suddenly popped back up again.

[Zahara]

If there was an apology to be made, a year and some months later would seem ludicrous.

 

The thing is he is in a relationship and after so much time has passed it's not even an issue and forgotten for him nor does he need the apology -- hence, the apology is only to appease YOUR own feelings. In that sense, find other ways to find your "closure".

 

The only thing you will do is probably place yourself in a worse situation if he doesn't respond.

[jphcbpa]

What I did was write out some things on paper, put it in my "God Box" and let it go. Said a simple pray "if you want us to have an amends type conversation or other dialogue, I trust that you will provide the proper time and platform". At that point, I let it go. I am willing to do my part if that is what is meant to be. Nothing more I can do beyond that. Just be willing, stay open and let it go.

 

Sounds like you need to just forgive yourself and let yourself off the hook. Clean up your side of the street, but do not dirty up his.

 

Amends means to change...you can just make a living amends by living the life you have always wanted to live.

[Sunberry]

If I was still his girlfriend and his ex was back in the picture I honestly wouldn't care. But that's just me and therefore my opinion doesn't matter...

 

I just want to stop crying and just make amends. I feel there is a heavy weight on my shoulder but I just can't let this go at all. There is also the underlying jealousy and hurt about him easily finding a girlfriend, how she may be better than me, when I feel I have no hope of finding anyone for me. But like the above poster said I have to re-evaluate why I feel the need to make an apology if that's the case.

 

You're right, I don't know what to expect. And I don't know how my feelings are going to be afterwards....in the end it's not his problem how I feel.

 

Teeter totter is now leaning to the left on not doing it//I don't want to mess up his life more than I already have...but I feel like I'm just making myself worse....

[EricaH329]

If I was still his girlfriend and his ex was back in the picture I honestly wouldn't care. But that's just me and therefore my opinion doesn't matter...

 

I just want to stop crying and just make amends. I feel there is a heavy weight on my shoulder but I just can't let this go at all. There is also the underlying jealousy and hurt about him easily finding a girlfriend, how she may be better than me, when I feel I have no hope of finding anyone for me. But like the above poster said I have to re-evaluate why I feel the need to make an apology if that's the case.

 

You're right, I don't know what to expect. And I don't know how my feelings are going to be afterwards....in the end it's not his problem how I feel.

 

Teeter totter is now leaning to the left on not doing it//I don't want to mess up his life more than I already have...but I feel like I'm just making myself worse....

 

I feel like there is a lot going on in this post. You feel sad about him finding someone else, a sense of worthlessness that she may be better, and hopeless about finding someone yourself. On top of all of that, you are afraid to take any action based on your emotions because of what the response might be.

 

That's a heavy burden. And a confusing one. It makes sense that you feel lost.

 

My advice to you, is to try to regroup. Refocus. Explore one emotion at a time. Try to make sense of it, one step at a time. You can't apologize for something without truly understanding it.

 

It's a long journey to begin, but a very rewarding one. Keep in mind that we all make mistakes in relationships. Hindsight is always 20-20. And in the end, all we have is ourselves to count on. So the more miserable you make yourself feel over this, the more you are hurting yourself.

[Zahara]

I just want to stop crying and just make amends. I feel there is a heavy weight on my shoulder but I just can't let this go at all. There is also the underlying jealousy and hurt about him easily finding a girlfriend, how she may be better than me, when I feel I have no hope of finding anyone for me. But like the above poster said I have to re-evaluate why I feel the need to make an apology if that's the case.

 

This isn't about an apology. You being unhappy with your own life is pushing you to find ways to fill your void. I have a feeling the apology is your way of wanting to provoke some sort of reaction from him that is going to make you feel validated. It isn't about remorse and self-reflection because if it were you wouldn't be bringing up your jealousy and your hurt that he's moved on. How does that play into the sincerity and motive of an apology? You really need to check your motives.

 

If you are hurt and jealous, how does a so-called friendship even play into that? You're all over the place.

 

Teeter totter is now leaning to the left on not doing it//I don't want to mess up his life more than I already have...but I feel like I'm just making myself worse....

 

The apology isn't what's making you feel worse. Keeping yourself stuck in the past, your unhappiness with your own life and your envy is what's making you feel worse. This has absolutely nothing to do with an apology.

[Sunberry]

This isn't about an apology. You being unhappy with your own life is pushing you to find ways to fill your void. I have a feeling the apology is your way of wanting to provoke some sort of reaction from him that is going to make you feel validated. It isn't about remorse and self-reflection because if it were you wouldn't be bringing up your jealousy and your hurt that he's moved on. How does that play into the sincerity and motive of an apology? You really need to check your motives.

 

If you are hurt and jealous, how does a so-called friendship even play into that? You're all over the place.

 

These things, which I have gathered, makes me selfish. You may be right when filling the void, and excuse me if I'm not making any sense. But I thought wishing happiness on someone is a good thing regardless of how you feel. As I write this I'm starting to get confused about myself. I felt I have self reflected once I began to experience life in a new way. That just changed drastically when I was told he had a girlfriend.

 

The apology isn't what's making you feel worse. Keeping yourself stuck in the past, your unhappiness with your own life and your envy is what's making you feel worse. This has absolutely nothing to do with an apology.

 

I have already gathered I am making myself worse in this process and no..it doesn't.

[SoThatHappened]

These things, which I have gathered, makes me selfish. You may be right when filling the void, and excuse me if I'm not making any sense. But I thought wishing happiness on someone is a good thing regardless of how you feel. As I write this I'm starting to get confused about myself. I felt I have self reflected once I began to experience life in a new way. That just changed drastically when I was told he had a girlfriend.

 

 

 

I have already gathered I am making myself worse in this process and no..it doesn't.

 

I'm on your side, but I think you need to take more time before even thinking about sending an apology. You may feel this way right now just because of the new girlfriend.

 

Whether or not it's "right" to apologize, after any length of time, I think you need more time to get your head and heart back to neutral. It's tough I know.

[Zahara]

These things, which I have gathered, makes me selfish. You may be right when filling the void, and excuse me if I'm not making any sense. But I thought wishing happiness on someone is a good thing regardless of how you feel. As I write this I'm starting to get confused about myself. I felt I have self reflected once I began to experience life in a new way. That just changed drastically when I was told he had a girlfriend.

 

Contradictory.

 

Of course wishing someone happines is a good thing but your intent isn't genuine because your motives for doing it is self-serving. Wishing someone happiness and extending an apology doesn't grow from a place of envy, hurt and jealousy.

 

If things have changed now that you know he has a girlfriend, then it's indicative that you first need more time to fully heal and move on from this.

Edited July 25, 2014 by Zahara

[Sunberry]

Contradictory.

 

Of course wishing someone happines is a good thing but your intent isn't genuine because your motives for doing it is self-serving. Wishing someone happiness and extending an apology doesn't grow from a place of envy, hurt and jealousy.

 

If things have changed now that you know he has a girlfriend, then it's indicative that you first need more time to fully heal and move on from this.

 

In all honesty, I felt I was on my way to recovery before I found this out. I thought about him every now and then but I didn't cry about him...regardless I didn't think I was near 100% healed.

 

Once I found out I went way back to where I was and that's when it all went downhill. I wish my friends never told me this...I was so much better not knowing...

 

It's hard all over again...

[Zahara]

In all honesty, I felt I was on my way to recovery before I found this out. I thought about him every now and then but I didn't cry about him...regardless I didn't think I was near 100% healed.

 

Once I found out I went way back to where I was and that's when it all went downhill. I wish my friends never told me this...I was so much better not knowing...

 

It's hard all over again...

 

I think in a sense, him having a girlfriend is finality for you. Finality is hard to grasp. It's really over and that he's moved on. Along with emotions of loss and envy, it's only natural you feel the way you do.

 

But you're trying to soothe that pain by going about it the wrong way.

 

Maybe this was a good thing for you because now you can let go and actually move on and heal from this. Purging all those unresolved feelings you thought you had taken care of.

 

It would be best to tell your friends to refrain from giving you information and block him from your social media before something triggers you again.

[Sunberry]

I honestly feel like moving, changing friends, changing environments...

 

Did it before and I was on the way to recovery.

 

I just cried a river--it's the hardest I've cried in a year and I just accepted he doesn't give two ****s about me...

[BC1980]

If I was still his girlfriend and his ex was back in the picture I honestly wouldn't care. But that's just me and therefore my opinion doesn't matter...

 

I just want to stop crying and just make amends. I feel there is a heavy weight on my shoulder but I just can't let this go at all. There is also the underlying jealousy and hurt about him easily finding a girlfriend, how she may be better than me, when I feel I have no hope of finding anyone for me. But like the above poster said I have to re-evaluate why I feel the need to make an apology if that's the case.

 

You're right, I don't know what to expect. And I don't know how my feelings are going to be afterwards....in the end it's not his problem how I feel.

 

Teeter totter is now leaning to the left on not doing it//I don't want to mess up his life more than I already have...but I feel like I'm just making myself worse....

 

Like everyone else said, an apology isn't the way to deal with these feelings. It's completely understandable that you feel the way you do. I would strongly suggest that you refrain from seeing him in any group settings and ask your friends not to talk about him.

 

What strikes me about your posts is how hard you are on yourself. This is the time to treat yourself with compassion and realize that these feelings are normal. Don't judge yourself too harshly for the way you acted after the breakup because most people do and say things they regret. Unless you burned his house down or keyed his car, you probably had a normal reaction. There's really no need to apologize for acting emotional or having any of these feelings.

 

I will tell you something that was suggest in a book I read, and it helped me tremendously. You can write down all the bad you felt you did and all the bad you felt he did. You can work to forgive yourself first then maybe him later. No one is all good or all bad, and we all have emotional reactions to a breakup. Sometimes, the best thing to do is to accept the situation for what it so, no matter how painful or unfair. Accept that it happened, and make the decision not to let it ruin the rest of your life.

[BC1980]

I honestly feel like moving, changing friends, changing environments...

 

Did it before and I was on the way to recovery.

 

I just cried a river--it's the hardest I've cried in a year and I just accepted he doesn't give two ****s about me...

 

Sounds like a plan to me! Physically moving can help tremendously. I have made several new friends since my breakup, and it's helped so much.

[SoThatHappened]

...

 

What strikes me about your posts is how hard you are on yourself. This is the time to treat yourself with compassion and realize that these feelings are normal. Don't judge yourself too harshly for the way you acted after the breakup because most people do and say things they regret. Unless you burned his house down or keyed his car, you probably had a normal reaction. There's really no need to apologize for acting emotional or having any of these feelings.

 

I will tell you something that was suggest in a book I read, and it helped me tremendously. You can write down all the bad you felt you did and all the bad you felt he did. You can work to forgive yourself first then maybe him later. No one is all good or all bad, and we all have emotional reactions to a breakup. Sometimes, the best thing to do is to accept the situation for what it so, no matter how painful or unfair. Accept that it happened, and make the decision not to let it ruin the rest of your life.

 

We may not be in perfect agreement on the apology thing, but nicely done. Plus I was born in 1980... great year

 

Great post and it rings true.

 

Sunberry, you have a great community of people willing to help you through this. Use them/us. Show me someone who's perfect and has dealt with every situation perfectly. They don't exist.

 

I've done things I thought were deplorable. She still loved me.

 

I still love people who have done horrible things to me. The heart doesn't follow the logic of "bad/good"... it has its own way of seeing things.

 

If someone loves someone, I believe they always will love them, regardless of what has been done.

 

Just the way it is.