The breakup is coming..

[longjohn]

I'm thrashing back and forth in my mind how to handle this one. This one is different than the others in that I actually like this woman a lot in the short time I've known her. I'm 50/50 at times about leaving her. The issue is I don't want to break up but I feel like I have to as her actions and behavior suggest that she's not fully committed to the relationship and if she is now, now maybe too late. I found she has had contact with an ex recently. She'd been with them as "friends" right before we got together (a few weeks) and again while we've been together and I just don't believe her when she says nothing happened. I can't see how something didn't happen if she's at his flat late at night? That is the root cause of the breakdown in this relationship, the suspected lies and the ex being allowed to remain in the picture.

 

I'm thinking I'll email her and break it to her that way. Make it easier than having her get excited that I'm going to meet her somewhere. Maybe a text would fit as to be honest I feel betrayed by the woman yet she maintains nothing is wrong. At times I'm confused and actually want to believe her but I can't deny logic in this case.

[Kopite]

Stop being such a coward and break up up with her in person.

[Sunberry]

I'm thinking I'll email her and break it to her that way. Make it easier than having her get excited that I'm going to meet her somewhere. Maybe a text would fit as to be honest I feel betrayed by the woman yet she maintains nothing is wrong. At times I'm confused and actually want to believe her but I can't deny logic in this case.

 

Don't you dare email her or send a text to end a relationship. That is a terrible way to go. If you want to end it with her talk to her face to face. Plus, why would you plan something with her if you knew you were having thoughts about breaking up with her? That's not right, not to mention rude.

 

Dude, you have to sit her down and fully talk about how you're feeling with her. Ask her to be strictly honest about it so you can make the decision at hand and to let your suspicion die out.

[marcjb]

I agree, do it in person. It will be more effective to get your point across so that maybe it will sink in how inappropriate her actions are. Maybe she'll understand and not have this happen for the next guy she's with. I think that if you do it by text, email, or even over the phone it will make things seem less serious.

[longjohn]

All of you are right, I should be decent about it and sit her down. Look her straight in the eye and tell her exactly why it's ending. It still frustrates me when I think about it because she still thinks she did nothing wrong. What a waste of time.

[EricaH329]

Maybe i'm missing something, but have you actually sat down with her and explained to her what you've just explained to us? Have you talked to her about how what she's doing is making you feel? I don't think it's fair to break up with someone without even trying to make it better first.

 

Instead of telling her to meet you somewhere to break up, why don't you meet up with her to discuss the issues you are having and letting her know that you find it unacceptable to continue her ex's relationship. Let her decide who is more important, and then move on from there.

[longjohn]

Maybe i'm missing something, but have you actually sat down with her and explained to her what you've just explained to us? Have you talked to her about how what she's doing is making you feel? I don't think it's fair to break up with someone without even trying to make it better first.

 

Instead of telling her to meet you somewhere to break up, why don't you meet up with her to discuss the issues you are having and letting her know that you find it unacceptable to continue her ex's relationship. Let her decide who is more important, and then move on from there.

I've sat her down twice and very nicely, very calmly told her, her behavior was suspect at best. Hiding in the bathroom with her phone, up all night online, always on facebook after telling me she was never on it. I mean she was hitting it within seconds of getting a message. So I questioned all these things and got bs responses and I told her I don't believe her. She maintains she's telling the truth. Then I find out about the ex and I question that she claims they where friends and hardly seen or talked to each other. So I went digging and found that to be a lie. Yet she maintains they are only friends nothing more. I asked her to dump the ex off facebook and all of a sudden the same day.. and every day since she's not up at night online anymore, her facebook activity is down to near zero and she was pissed for a few days after she defriended him.

 

In my mind it all reeks of her stringing the poor bastard along while seeing where things might go with me. We can't have our cake and eat it too. Once I laid down the law and said she had to pick him or me that upset her and she picked me. Who knows maybe she finally ended with him but I have to end it with her at the very least for lying and not being honest with me from day one.

[EricaH329]

I've sat her down twice and very nicely, very calmly told her, her behavior was suspect at best. Hiding in the bathroom with her phone, up all night online, always on facebook after telling me she was never on it. I mean she was hitting it within seconds of getting a message. So I questioned all these things and got bs responses and I told her I don't believe her. She maintains she's telling the truth. Then I find out about the ex and I question that she claims they where friends and hardly seen or talked to each other. So I went digging and found that to be a lie. Yet she maintains they are only friends nothing more. I asked her to dump the ex off facebook and all of a sudden the same day.. and every day since she's not up at night online anymore, her facebook activity is down to near zero and she was pissed for a few days after she defriended him.

 

In my mind it all reeks of her stringing the poor bastard along while seeing where things might go with me. We can't have our cake and eat it too. Once I laid down the law and said she had to pick him or me that upset her and she picked me. Who knows maybe she finally ended with him but I have to end it with her at the very least for lying and not being honest with me from day one.

 

So you told her that she needs to defriend her ex, and stop talking to him, in order to remain in the relationship with you. And now that she's done that, you are going to break up with her? It seems that she's done what you've asked of her, and you are still going to end it?

 

That doesn't seem very fair. She's understandably upset (breaking a bond/relationship/etc.) is hard to do, but clearly she finds you to be more important. It seems as though you were going to break it off regardless of what she did/does. And if that's the case, then yes, break it off with her because that isn't fair to her.

[bubbaganoosh]

Sounds like she playing both ends to the middle. It isn't fair to you or the OM so if it's me I tell her that her BS has run it's course and you find her not to be a trustworthy woman and it's time to move on.

 

By all means, give her the chance to explain herself and no doubt you'll here the same feeble excuses jut re worded. If you don't trust her then your just wasting your time and effort with her.

[thekid36]

I'm thrashing back and forth in my mind how to handle this one. This one is different than the others in that I actually like this woman a lot in the short time I've known her. I'm 50/50 at times about leaving her. The issue is I don't want to break up but I feel like I have to as her actions and behavior suggest that she's not fully committed to the relationship and if she is now, now maybe too late. I found she has had contact with an ex recently. She'd been with them as "friends" right before we got together (a few weeks) and again while we've been together and I just don't believe her when she says nothing happened. I can't see how something didn't happen if she's at his flat late at night? That is the root cause of the breakdown in this relationship, the suspected lies and the ex being allowed to remain in the picture.

 

I'm thinking I'll email her and break it to her that way. Make it easier than having her get excited that I'm going to meet her somewhere. Maybe a text would fit as to be honest I feel betrayed by the woman yet she maintains nothing is wrong. At times I'm confused and actually want to believe her but I can't deny logic in this case.

 

 

A fifty percent grade on a test is terribly low. A fifty percent probability of leaving someone is pretty high. It sounds as if you have some serious issues of trust in relation to her.

 

 

There may be other problems with this going forward. Whether or not she ends up staying disconnected from her ex. If you are not sure exactly where you stand, it is within her rights to know this. It also may be within your best interest.

[longjohn]

I didn't tell her to defriend him. I asked her to remove him she had a choice. If she didn't then yes I'd have left as she'd be allowing an ex to take priority over a current bf. The end result of the breakup is the collision of her past the ex and myself the present. She lied about seeing and talking to him. How can I trust someone this early in if they've already lied? That is the reason I'm splitting with her. She should have split with him properly long ago vs leaving him tagging along like a lost pup while she goes off into another relationship.

 

 

A good point is raised there.. I really have no idea if she'll not contact the ex again at some. I could stay in this and a year from now find she'd been back in contact with him again or worse been seeing him. I really can't afford to take the chance of wasting that kind of time on someone that hasn't been fully honest and up front from the start.

[thekid36]

I didn't tell her to defriend him. I asked her to remove him she had a choice. If she didn't then yes I'd have left as she'd be allowing an ex to take priority over a current bf. The end result of the breakup is the collision of her past the ex and myself the present. She lied about seeing and talking to him. How can I trust someone this early in if they've already lied? That is the reason I'm splitting with her. She should have split with him properly long ago vs leaving him tagging along like a lost pup while she goes off into another relationship.

 

 

A good point is raised there.. I really have no idea if she'll not contact the ex again at some. I could stay in this and a year from now find she'd been back in contact with him again or worse been seeing him. I really can't afford to take the chance of wasting that kind of time on someone that hasn't been fully honest and up front from the start.

 

 

It's not only this specific situation with the ex. You deserve someone who is going to be up front and honest with you about all things. I sense that you will always have trust issues with her now about that relationship.

 

 

She also may not be honest about other things either. Perhaps not fair to assume that, per-se. Yet, the fact of the matter remains that people who lie about relationships may tend to not be truthful with other things. You really just do not know one way or the other. Your last sentence makes a lot of sense.

[longjohn]

It's not only this specific situation with the ex. You deserve someone who is going to be up front and honest with you about all things. I sense that you will always have trust issues with her now about that relationship.

 

 

She also may not be honest about other things either. Perhaps not fair to assume that, per-se. Yet, the fact of the matter remains that people who lie about relationships may tend to not be truthful with other things. You really just do not know one way or the other. Your last sentence makes a lot of sense.

That's what I thought I had with this woman and I was wrong apparently. Once trust is shaken like that how could I ever get it back. I've thought along those lines too. If she lied about this.. what else could she have or would lie about.

[thekid36]

That's what I thought I had with this woman and I was wrong apparently. Once trust is shaken like that how could I ever get it back. I've thought along those lines too. If she lied about this.. what else could she have or would lie about.

 

 

Keep in mind that there are some who lie about only specific areas within their lives. There are then others who really do feel remorseful for past dishonesty. It's just not something you want to necessarily gamble with.

 

 

Not that anyone is perfect or anything like that. It's just that delirious dishonesty within a specific relationship would be a definite deal-breaker for me.

[marcjb]

I think that if someone is truly remorseful, they won't repeat the same mistake.

[longjohn]

Keep in mind that there are some who lie about only specific areas within their lives. There are then others who really do feel remorseful for past dishonesty. It's just not something you want to necessarily gamble with.

 

 

Not that anyone is perfect or anything like that. It's just that delirious dishonesty within a specific relationship would be a definite deal-breaker for me.

That's true when someone says.. "sorry I didn't want to tell you because..". I was dealing with someone digging in and saying they never did the obvious.