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She's perfect but I don't want to be with her?


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Like the title says. She is awesome. Been together for 4 years now and I feel just the same as when I met her and have since. Content. Our relationship is strong. I know she's crazy about me and I really do love her back, but I always felt like I wasn't as happy as I could be.

 

Now recently I met this girl that I hung out with (along with my guy friends. she was friends with one of them.) and she's awesome. Super fun to hang out with and honestly I don't think I ever had as much fun with my girlfriend as I did with this girl. We have only hung out a couple of times and that's with my guy friends around, but the fact that I am happier hanging out with her and the guys (I don't know about alone) makes me wonder. And not that I would leave my girlfriend for her.

 

A rule of thumb for me is to never leave someone for someone else, just leave someone because they're not the one to be with. An this girl made me realize I could potentially be happier with someone else. I have had slight doubts about this relationship ever since it started and almost ended it twice (not because of issues though). But if I were to leave her and go with someone else (like this new friend of mine) I am worried I could end up just feeling the same way I am right now. My current girlfriend is really flawless.

 

She has it all, but I'm just not excited to see her like I am this new girl. And I know, plenty other fish in the sea, but I wouldn't want to break up, break her heart, find someone else, and just end up in this same situation. I guess what I want to know, is if this feeling is normal.

 

Is this an unnavoidable feeling that is bound to come on in any relationship? Should I just accept it or is it possible to be in a relationship that will maintain the happiness (for me) like when I'm around this new friend?

 

Also, if I do break up and really regret it and miss her, would she ever take me back?

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theexfiance

Sounds to me like you're addicted to limerence. Of course something/someone new is exciting. That wears off. Your current gf was exciting once, she probably still is. You just got used to how awesome she is and now that's not "exciting" anymore.

 

I'm gonna give it to you straight: my fiance left me over this type of bullsh#t. If this is how you think, you're probably young and need to figure yourself out, but here's the reality of it: you can't go around doing this to people all of the time. You are always going to fall out of limerence, that's a fact. It usually happens after 2-4 years. Love is a choice. Finding attraction and fun with a partner takes work. If you're not going to put in the work to be a good partner for your gf, break up with her. But be straight with her about it.

 

Now, I'm not painting you in an ugly light here. It's absolutely natural to be attracted to other girls when you're in a relationship. Acting on it is not. Plus, a good deal of the attraction might just come from her hanging out with you and the boys. Why not take your girlfriend with you? You never know, she might be attractive in her element with your friends.

 

Still...if you're sure and want to leave this person that you've described as "perfect" and "flawless" and all this other stuff, then that probably means you're not ready to settle down. Don't drag it out. She deserves to move forward in a healthy way.

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loversquarrel

Sounds like you are on the path of learning a hard lesson on taking someone for granted. So you wasted 4 yrs. of this poor "flawless" girl's life because you haven't been sure, so now you meet someone who is "new and exciting" and you are already planning to jump ship?? You are on a cheater's path, man up and think of the consequences of your potential choices - if you are truly unhappy let her go be with a man who won't waste her time. The situation sounds pretty selfish to me.

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I think that the main issue at hand here is much more your current relationship and the lack of total happiness you are feeling. My thought is that you would not be having these thoughts if this was definitely the right woman. What do you think is going to change in the future? I fear you may have these same sentiments many times. Perhaps the girl you are hanging out with is simply a catalyst to helping things move forward.

 

 

I am not totally sure if you will be happy going forward within this relationship. At least not in the full way you are seeking. No matter what happens with this other girl. You should consider leaving the lady of four years based on your lack of complete feelings for her as opposed to this new interest. It may be time to tell your woman how you are feeling so as to not lead her on any longer. At least let her know what is up so that she can take it all in and decide how to react on her end.

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I see what you're saying, but the thing is I've assumed that it was that grass is greener thing. Looking back from the start, I was never particularly excited. Always content, never much more than that. That is the thing that bothers me. Since we were dating, my feelings never grew or lessened. There was just never the excitement (by excitement, I mean the excitement of something new with someone).

 

I just knew she was a great girl. I'm not looking to sleep around or anything. I know if I left her, I would just be in an exclusive relationship again. I would NEVER cheat. I have been cheated on and will NEVER be the cause of that pain to anyone else. The only thing this girl showed me is that there are girls out there are girls out there that are exciting like that. And maybe it is because I am young, but I'm not dumb and I have self control. I am not considering leaving my girl for this other girl.

 

Whether I end up dating her or never talk to her again from this second on, it will not sway what I am thinking about my current relationship. All meeting her did was open my eyes. And don't think I'm hitting on her or anything. Absolutely zero flirting. Throughout my relationship, I have felt that it is what a good relationship should feel like. Only until I met this girl did I consider the possibility of being happier with someone else.

 

My views of the relationship have changed in hindsight. I am not trying to defend or justify myself, this is just the situation.

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Some are okay with simply being content. You are obviously not one of those. That is a very admirable trait.

 

 

Just because someone is a great girl does not mean she is the right one for you. I fear that some settle based on this simple fact alone.

 

 

The thing is that the kind of extraordinary experience that you are looking for does not seem to add up with this specific woman. I feel that your partner in life should challenge and stimulate you consistently.

 

 

It seems as if things have been sort of stale since you met. This may be an issue if you continue to stay with your current woman. Even though you will not necessarily cheat on her going forward.

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Clueless21, I don't think you need anyone's permission to break up with your girlfriend if that's what your gut is telling you to do.

 

Moving on from a relationship is easy. It's the "staying moved on" part that's hard.

 

If your girlfriend no longer satisfies you, then it's time for you to move on, regardless of your age.

 

You're not obligated to stay in a relationship with your girlfriend just because she's so "great." That's called "settling." Don't settle. Never settle. You'll only resent each other if you settle.

 

Cheating isn't just about infidelity in relationships. It's also about robbing yourself of being with the right person, when you stay in your current relationship for the wrong reasons.

 

So, don't stay in a relationship with your girlfriend of 4 years if you're feelings have changed (i.e. boredom, no excitement). Do the right thing and break up with her now, so that you can both move on to be with more suitable partners.

 

Yes it will hurt like hell to end a 4 year relationship. But the alternative is to stay with someone you no longer feel passionate about. That's not living. That's existing.

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So, don't stay in a relationship with your girlfriend of 4 years if you're feelings have changed (i.e. boredom, no excitement). Do the right thing and break up with her now, so that you can both move on to be with more suitable partners.

 

I can't agree with this. Too many people end great relationships due to these reasons only to find out that it's no different with another person after the honeymoon phase. These things that lack within one's self and no one should depend on their partner or anyone else to bring them.

 

Good reasons to end a relationship with someone - abusive, cheating, ect..

Bad reasons to end a relationship with someone - bored, no excitement

 

The person needs to find these things within them self, otherwise they will have a string of relationships end for the same reasons. When they realize they made a mistake of letting that person go, it might be too late when they do realize it.

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marcjb hey that's ok that you don't agree. :) You know that I totally respect your opinion, ( I also do) and I think you make some valid points about reasons why people should stay together or break-up.

 

But for me personally (and where my post comes from), I consider it "settling" when you feel emptiness instead of passion, boredom instead of interested, apathy instead of love for your romantic partner.

 

And no one should settle just because it may seem like the right thing to do for that other person. Don't stay with someone just to make them happy, while you're miserable.

 

I once stayed with a guy for a year (i.e. settled) although I knew he wasn't "the one" or someone I wanted to date long-term. I can't agree that I should still be with him b/c he didn't abuse me or cheat on me. He was a really nice guy, but on a gut level I knew we were wrong for each other. It worked out for the best anyway as he got married to his soul mate three years after he and I broke up.

 

I think the OP should follow his gut feeling about this relationship. If he knows he can't see himself married to her by this point, then he should just break up with her now. (By 4 years, you know if you want to be with that person for the rest of your life or not. If not, then why settle by staying and being miserable?)

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What is someone supposed to do when they end a 4 year relationship because they are bored, end up with someone else for 4 more years only to realize they are bored again, then realize the previous relationship was actually better? Wouldn't that be settling if they only stay with the current relationship because they couldn't get the previous relationship with the other person back?

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What is someone supposed to do when they end a 4 year relationship because they are bored, end up with someone else for 4 more years only to realize they are bored again, then realize the previous relationship was actually better? Wouldn't that be settling if they only stay with the current relationship because they couldn't get the previous relationship with the other person back?

 

My situation was an example settling. K knew if I stayed with my then-boyfriend I would be settling, b/c he didn't meet all of my needs, and I knew on a gut level that he wasn't the right guy for me. He didn't do anything wrong, and I didn't treat him badly. We just weren't right for each other.

 

I think it's wrong to expect someone to stay in a relationship with someone they know on a gut level isn't right for him/her. That's just not reasonable.

 

If the OP chooses to jump from one relationship to another that isn't settling, that's GIGS or something else. Settling is when you stay with someone you know is wrong for you. It's that simple marcjb. If the OP stays with his current girlfriend b/c he can't get his previous girlfriend back, that's not settling, that's being manipulative.

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supportlove

What did you do to save your love and relationship? Love and relationship needs both parties' effort. Of course you can spice things up, deep your love, and make the relationship work. You just don't seem like you want to.

 

I am so sorry for your girlfriend. Why do you have to make an innocent girl suffer because you don't know what you want. You are selfish and immature. You don't deserve love. Sorry for being harsh.

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I think that I know how you feel. I've been somewhat of a serial monogamist and it's easier for me by far to be in a relationship. It is easy to fall into a relationship with someone who is nice, kind, attractive, etc. But it's not the same as falling in love. For me it's always been - well, what else am I doing, let's give it a shot. And it works for a while but always go back to that basic incompatibility at some point. I tend to believe that some people do not feel this regardless of how long they are together. Grass is greener maybe, but not incompatibility.

 

When you see the breakthrough of someone who has been settling when they actually find someone they "love" it is a magical change. I have seen this happen four times in my life. It is like they got a new lease on life, like they were seeing the sun for the first time. It's like every bit of marital counseling, every last ditch effort, etc - well it's obvious after the fact when the relationship is over and they are weary and have been weary for years and years, that when they found real love the burden was gone. And they seem free, like there is no question anymore. Maybe this is an unfair Utopian urban legend to some, but this is reality for people connected to me.

 

As someone else said - few people have the ambition not to "settle".. Many people are very happy being content, but for those of us who need more, I'd say it's only fair to both you & your girlfriend to break it off if you know for sure that she is not the one.

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Yeah totally GIGS. Taking gf for granted. Ugh.

 

Learn to value all you have. It's called being mature and a grown up. All new shiny toys are exciting in the beginning. Until they are not.

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Bumpin in My Trunk
I can't agree with this. Too many people end great relationships due to these reasons only to find out that it's no different with another person after the honeymoon phase. These things that lack within one's self and no one should depend on their partner or anyone else to bring them.

 

Good reasons to end a relationship with someone - abusive, cheating, ect..

Bad reasons to end a relationship with someone - bored, no excitement

 

The person needs to find these things within them self, otherwise they will have a string of relationships end for the same reasons. When they realize they made a mistake of letting that person go, it might be too late when they do realize it.

 

I agree with this poster but my advice is to leave your current gf for this new girl. Go ahead, just do it. But don't come back posting her telling us all how you regret it or in how much pain you are in.

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I think you are the type of man who needs to remain single all his life and simply become a butterfly hopping flower to flower. When one flower has lost its aroma and appeal, you simply hoover over to the next shiny flower you see.

 

There will always be 'better, brighter, funnier, sexier, more appealing' women that will cross your path throughout your life. It's up to you however to make a conscientious decision that you just can't leave one gal for another just because the other 'excites' you more.

 

Grow up!

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Candice Luna
I think you are the type of man who needs to remain single all his life and simply become a butterfly hopping flower to flower. When one flower has lost its aroma and appeal, you simply hoover over to the next shiny flower you see.

 

There will always be 'better, brighter, funnier, sexier, more appealing' women that will cross your path throughout your life. It's up to you however to make a conscientious decision that you just can't leave one gal for another just because the other 'excites' you more.

 

Grow up!

 

No, I don't agree with this. The OP said multiple times that he didn't feel excited since the BEGINNING. He's not getting bored of her, he always was just content with the relationship.

I think the OP deserves to find someone who excites him and makes him feel alive. If he finds that someone, then if 2 years later he comes back with the same problem, then we can label him GIGS. ;)

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Thank you to the last poster and some others for seeing what I am saying. Another point I would like to make is that it is not me leaving my gf for another girl. Like I said, this girl simply opened my eyes. Also, like I said, I follow a personal rule I made. Do not leave someone for someone else. If I end up leaving my girlfriend, it is NOT for this other girl. Maybe I will date her, maybe I won't. All she did was make me realize that there are girls out there that I can be HAPPY with. I'm not unhappy with my current girlfriend, but in hindsight, I have only been content. That is what this girl made me realize. I felt that what I now see is content was actually happiness, which really was just content. This relationship I have been in is the best I have ever been in by far. The other relationships though have been with either bad girls or girls that weren't dating material for whatever reasons. This girl is fantastic dating material. By perfect, I mean has strong values, is hard working, smart, etc. She is perfect, just not what I have found out to be what I am looking for personality wise, interest wise, and overall just how she is. She still is flawless. Just because she isn't exactly what I want, doesn't mean she is flawed. It is just a matter of taste. And once again, so people reading this can understand what I am saying. I AM NOT leaving my gf for the other girl. The other girl simply opened my eyes to what else is out there and that there are other girls that I may be better compatible with. I did not realize this fact until I met this girl. That is the significance of this girl. So please, understand this.

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