My indecisiveness is ruining my relationship?

[Kkristine]

I've always been very indecisive about pretty much everything. From what food to order to big life changes. My boyfriend is the complete opposite. We've been together for 2 years, and yesterday we were in a huge fight about me feeling like he controls everything & never lets me make a stand on things.

 

At the end, he explained that he's the one always making the decisions, and that I never make one. I feel like that is true, but at the same time, he likes things his way so it makes me even more indecisive on things. He always picks the movies we see, the dinners we have, etc. For example, we are moving & I thought it would be a good idea to put the kitchen together while he's working. Then, I realized that I would rather have him there because he will change it to his liking anyway.

 

I don't know if it's me being indecisive or if it's him wanting to control every situation. Maybe he just feels the need to play that role because I'm the way I am?

 

Anyhow, I told him I wanted to slow things down & try to figure out how I can just be me with him. AKA, I don't want to get engaged within the next few months like we've been planning. He hasn't talked to me since yesterday evening. He says he, "gives and gives and has nothing to give. he's not perfect, and explains about me never wanting to make my own decision."

 

What do I do? I do feel it's my doing.. I don't have much experience, and he's my first relationship. I'm 22, he's 26.

[Philosoraptor]

What you need to do to figure out what is the true issue is to change the only thing you can, your own actions. Start making decisions and if there isn't a natural give and take with him then it could be a control issue. If you develop a natural give and take in the relationship then he was just stepping up to compensate for your indecisiveness.

[Els]

What happens when you pick a movie or a dinner? Does he shoot you down? Or do you waffle on it yourself?

 

To be honest this sounds like a fairly small issue to me - the part that REALLY concerns me is how both of you managed to blow it up into such a huge argument that it affected your engagement. It suggests that something is amiss, either in your communication with each other or your conflict resolution skills, or something deeper that is wrong with the relationship.

[d0nnivain]

I make a lot of decisions in my marriage because my husband can't be bothered. If you are indecisive, you may have initially be drawn to him because he spared you from having to do something you don't like. For him always being the one who has to do everything gets exhausting.

 

Then you dropped a huge bombshell on him -- you said you didn't want to get engaged. WOW. For a woman who can't make a decision, you certainly picked a helluva time to grow a spine. You hurt him tremendously. He feels rejected.

 

This isn't you putting the kitchen together in a way that not his choice. It's not even you picking a movie that he doesn't like. You just turned his whole world upside down. Do you get that?

 

Sit down & talk to him. Tell him that you would like to become more confident & decisive but that you will need his encouragement. Take baby steps. Make arrangements to go on a date with him this weekend but you pick the activity. Explain it will help your confidence to make decisions if he just goes along with whatever you pick, no ramifications & no grumbling if he would have preferred to do something else.

 

Also explain that as much as you love him you are afraid that if you don't learn how to stick up for yourself that your marriage would be in trouble because he would have all this pressure & that you would lose yourself in him. Assure him that this new found desire to control your own destiny stems from a good place -- of wanting to make sure you two are strong as a couple.

 

Then continue to practice making decisions.