Forgiving yourself after hurting someone that loves you.

[Biscous]

I've seen threads on here about moving on after someone has wronged you and eventually forgiving them. Those aren't uncommon. What about a situation where YOU wronged the person?

 

I've posted a bit about a girl I was dating for seven months. She was enamored by me...enough to the point to end her relationship with her current boyfriend and pursue me.

 

Fast forward I have come to terms with many things that I did wrong:

 

1) I harshly judged her. Her flaws. Her perceived neediness, the fact that I didn't believe she did much outside of her life besides work and going out and drinking. Criticized her for cheating. I may have been OK in making judgements in my observations, but tearing someone to shreds, making them cry, etc. that is something I hate doing to anyone.

 

2) I did not set a proper expectation of our relationship. She clearly wanted more and wanted to be with me. I had reservations so I delayed things. If these were not met I should have ended it instead of dragging it out so long.

 

3) I gave mixed signals which hurt her. This goes back to #2. I pretty much turned her into a FWB, but TREATED her like a GF in terms of taking her out, cooking for her, doing things she wanted, but I did not want everyone to know about us, nor did I have interest in publicizing us dating one another. This of course frustrated her because it gave the illusion that I was 'available' to other girls, but I did not actually pursue anyone else during this time.

 

4) Not being decisive in my decision. Sure of course she may have hated me, but dragging it out like I did for seven months instead of maybe 3-4 would have been more emotionally healthy for her.

 

She brought out an ugly side of me sometimes. When she would get upset with me I would get hyper defensive. She said I love to argue, which I have before, but this is a relationship in which I retaliated with criticism harshly and deeply hurt someone. Someone that revealed things about her and I perhaps used them against her. This is not the type of person I intended to be nor do I want to for anyone else.

 

Right now she doesn't want much to do with me now. She says she loves me. I DO care about her, but I do feel that I would be settling with her, despite the fact that in my heart I did want things to work out and I wish I didn't have reservations. The truth of the matter is that I cannot force how I feel and this is almost unrequited love.

 

I made an error and want to be a better person for the next relationship. Right now though I know I hurt someone that deeply cares about me and would do anything for me. That hurts the most because I pride myself in being such a great person and I hurt someone close to me. Any advice appreciated!

[somedude81]

The feeling of guilt is there for a reason.

[loversquarrel]

I've done the same thing to someone I care about. She was no angel to me in the beginning, but she became a better person along the way. I treated her carelessly, never quite forgiving her earlier transgressions towards me. I broke her heart and feel horrible for doing so, but I also know that as much as I love her I just wouldn't have been able to get over our past.

[Biscous]

The feeling of guilt is there for a reason.

 

Guilt to learn from I take it.

 

I've done the same thing to someone I care about. She was no angel to me in the beginning, but she became a better person along the way. I treated her carelessly, never quite forgiving her earlier transgressions towards me. I broke her heart and feel horrible for doing so, but I also know that as much as I love her I just wouldn't have been able to get over our past.

 

Sounds similar.

[loversquarrel]

It's very similar. It sucks because in a sense she has my heart, but my head says no. I know I feel more than just guilt, because I do care for and have feelings for her. It's also sorrow.

[emotionalMess]

I'm the same way with my long term ex. but she treated me like sh*t so it was hard to be civil. Someday I will apologize for the same reason you should do it.

 

 

For you, how about a simple apology?

You will feel much better if you say something like this:

 

First, I am still unsure of my feelings at this point and this is not fair to you however I did want to say this:

I apologize for treating you so poorly.

I regret some of the things I have said and I cant believe I used such hurtful language.

That person is not who I want to be. Nobody should be treated this way, please forgive me.

 

A real man would do it!

[David87]

I'm the same way with my long term ex. but she treated me like sh*t so it was hard to be civil. Someday I will apologize for the same reason you should do it.

 

 

For you, how about a simple apology?

You will feel much better if you say something like this:

 

First, I am still unsure of my feelings at this point and this is not fair to you however I did want to say this:

I apologize for treating you so poorly.

I regret some of the things I have said and I cant believe I used such hurtful language.

That person is not who I want to be. Nobody should be treated this way, please forgive me.

 

A real man would do it!

 

How about leaving that person alone, enough is enough, no need to apologise because that won't change the past.

[Tbisb74]

 

She brought out an ugly side of me sometimes.

This stood out for me. The only person responsible for your behaviour, is you. Do not criticise someone for doing something you should have, and could have controlled. She brought nothing out. You released it, and let it out. Poor self-control. Don't give us a long list of everything you did wrong, then top it off by saying it was she who brought out your ugly side. That's something like someone saying "I had an affair but I couldn't help it. It's nonsense.

 

I made an error and want to be a better person for the next relationship. Right now though I know I hurt someone that deeply cares about me and would do anything for me. That hurts the most because I pride myself in being such a great person and I hurt someone close to me. Any advice appreciated!

Then apologise, and take responsibility for the total jerk you state you were. David87 offers the opinion that you should leave well alone, but I have found that sometimes, all people want, is for someone to say "I'm sorry, I was wrong" That goes an awfully long way towards at least laying the foundation for building a bridge. I know if I were she, a 'sorry' would be welcome.

If you hurt people, you need to do whatever it takes to help their pain go away. You owe her that.

Don't over-do it; don't fawn, creep or be excessive. Admit what you did, acknowledge its effect, and express your sincere regret.

[David87]

This stood out for me. The only person responsible for your behaviour, is you. Do not criticise someone for doing something you should have, and could have controlled. She brought nothing out. You released it, and let it out. Poor self-control. Don't give us a long list of everything you did wrong, then top it off by saying it was she who brought out your ugly side. That's something like someone saying "I had an affair but I couldn't help it. It's nonsense.

 

 

Then apologise, and take responsibility for the total jerk you state you were. David87 offers the opinion that you should leave well alone, but I have found that sometimes, all people want, is for someone to say "I'm sorry, I was wrong" That goes an awfully long way towards at least laying the foundation for building a bridge. I know if I were she, a 'sorry' would be welcome.

If you hurt people, you need to do whatever it takes to help their pain go away. You owe her that.

Don't over-do it; don't fawn, creep or be excessive. Admit what you did, acknowledge its effect, and express your sincere regret.

 

I did that once, I said I was sorry for the way I treated that girl and for the way I dumped her, guess what, she said she accepts my apology and afterwards she told me she stil cares for me and would like to give it another try(this happened after 1.5 - 2 years of NC ) The reason you should leave things as they are is because it doesnt matter and you dont want to slow the other persons process of healing........there's no point imo..

[Biscous]

This stood out for me. The only person responsible for your behaviour, is you. Do not criticise someone for doing something you should have, and could have controlled. She brought nothing out. You released it, and let it out. Poor self-control. Don't give us a long list of everything you did wrong, then top it off by saying it was she who brought out your ugly side. That's something like someone saying "I had an affair but I couldn't help it. It's nonsense.

 

 

Then apologise, and take responsibility for the total jerk you state you were. David87 offers the opinion that you should leave well alone, but I have found that sometimes, all people want, is for someone to say "I'm sorry, I was wrong" That goes an awfully long way towards at least laying the foundation for building a bridge. I know if I were she, a 'sorry' would be welcome.

If you hurt people, you need to do whatever it takes to help their pain go away. You owe her that.

Don't over-do it; don't fawn, creep or be excessive. Admit what you did, acknowledge its effect, and express your sincere regret.

 

Funny thing is you mentioned the affair part and she actually did commit infidelity which made me have reservations against her.

 

Even more when a former friend of hers slandered her saying she was a cheater, etc. It did make me think about who I was with.

 

I didn't mean to say it was HER that brought that side of me out. It was something that was there before but I know how hyper defensive I get. I know that I've never had a woman name call me as much as she did or swear at me. Being an already defensive person amplified it.

 

The situations I've described many people's advice for me was to run for her or that I have dodged a bullet with her, but I know I was ugly to her also and was not the best of character.

[Tbisb74]

I did that once, I said I was sorry for the way I treated that girl and for the way I dumped her, guess what, she said she accepts my apology and afterwards she told me she stil cares for me and would like to give it another try(this happened after 1.5 - 2 years of NC ) The reason you should leave things as they are is because it doesnt matter and you dont want to slow the other persons process of healing........there's no point imo..

 

so if anyone "pizzes on you from a great height", you don't expect, want or appreciate an apology?

Your example is a single one among thousands. I would bet a pound to a pinch of pepper that most people would appreciate an apology, when someone does something to upset them.

[Biscous]

so if anyone "pizzes on you from a great height", you don't expect, want or appreciate an apology?

Your example is a single one among thousands. I would bet a pound to a pinch of pepper that most people would appreciate an apology, when someone does something to upset them.

 

Ah you are referring to David.

 

Hey, I've had an ex apologize to me and I forgave her. This was a few years back and she was much younger. I told her that she was only human. I ignored her for MONTHS and when I finally responded to her phone call she just wanted to say two things:

 

-How are you doing?

-I'm sorry for all of this Biscous

 

So simple but meant the world. We make mistakes.

 

I apologized to this girl also for my indecision, my judging, and not setting expectations. I wasted her time, but I do care about her enough to tell her that I was not the best person to her and hope she understands that I'm sorry.

[David87]

so if anyone "pizzes on you from a great height", you don't expect, want or appreciate an apology?

Your example is a single one among thousands. I would bet a pound to a pinch of pepper that most people would appreciate an apology, when someone does something to upset them.

 

Of Course I expect an apology but right away not after one or more years.

[Tbisb74]

Of Course I expect an apology but right away not after one or more years.

 

Right, so we shouldn't apologise for the way black people have been treated in the past, the Japanese apologising for the way they behaved in WWII or the way Americans behaved towards the Indigenous Indians all way-back-when?

It is immaterial when the apology arrives. That it arrives at all, is both welcome and gratifying; it is an acknowledgement of someone admitting they messed up.

My uncle apologised on his death-bed, to my aunt, for having been a poor husband - 14 years earlier. It's not the time elapsed that counts. it's the spirit in which the words are conveyed.

[todreaminblue]

I feel a simple heart felt apology is respectful courteous and polite.....its doesnt have to be many words or flowery in design but a simple sorry as another poster said acknowledging the hurt and being sincere in not feeling good about causing hurt to another.....i feel really this is the only way to alleviate guilty consciences.....i accept all apologies.....always....i know what its like to be the one saying sorry.....and the feelings of remorse involved...but i have to feel apologies come from the heart and they arent verbose apologies they are always simple....because sorrow gets in the way of the words......i make it easy to apologise to me people dont know it till they try to apologise though....i feel most peopel are like this....because normally i have not been perfect and who is......and i always feel apologies( and more of them are needed in the world), if they were true apologies it would stop world wars adn hurt feelings on a global scale woudl eb cool...........let alone that but save friendships......friendships are worth saving.....regret hate and stubborness are not worth holding on to ...at any time with or without apologies...because the person holding onto those becomes the bitter one....apologise and mean it ...make it simple.....dont do complex details and rehash what hurt........deb

Edited July 24, 2014 by todreaminblue

[David87]

Right, so we shouldn't apologise for the way black people have been treated in the past, the Japanese apologising for the way they behaved in WWII or the way Americans behaved towards the Indigenous Indians all way-back-when?

It is immaterial when the apology arrives. That it arrives at all, is both welcome and gratifying; it is an acknowledgement of someone admitting they messed up.

My uncle apologised on his death-bed, to my aunt, for having been a poor husband - 14 years earlier. It's not the time elapsed that counts. it's the spirit in which the words are conveyed.

 

It seems we can't understand each other, it's ok we are two different people and I respect your oppinion. I'm only referring to the OP when I talk about apology, not in general...It doesnt matter if you are the dumper, what good can your apology make? My ex dumped me and crushed my heart, my confidence...everything do you think i'd give a damn if she sais im sorry now? Of course not because I'm a different person because of her, i don't trust people anymore, I don't love anymore.........anyway...

[guest569]

I am with David on this one. Anyway, it is clear that it would be a selfish act to apologise just to alleviate your own guilt whilst potentially stirring up a lot of really painful emotions on your ex. Personally, if my ex randomly apologised out of nowhere when I said I want nothing to do with him, I would be really upset and it would set me back in the grieving process. I would assume he is apologizing due to regret and wants to get back together with me.

 

Sure this is just me, but consider this as a potential outcome of a simple "sorry". It is not always as simple as you might think. Especially when you already gave her mixed signals.

 

You cant depend on your ex to make you feel better, it is something you have to do on your own and with help of friends and family. Maybe your confidence has taken a hit and you are doubting yourself and thinking you are a bad person.. Which is not really the case.

Edited July 24, 2014 by smiley1

[David87]

I am with David on this one. Anyway, it is clear that it would be a selfish act to apologise just to alleviate your own guilt whilst potentially stirring up a lot of really painful emotions on your ex. Personally, if my ex randomly apologised out of nowhere when I said I want nothing to do with him, I would be really upset and it would set me back in the grieving process. I would assume he is apologizing due to regret and wants to get back together with me.

 

Sure this is just me, but consider this as a potential outcome of a simple "sorry". It is not always as simple as you might think.

 

Of course it's not that simple '''Oh sorry for dumping your sorry @ss'' I don't need anyone's pity.

[Tbisb74]

It seems we can't understand each other, it's ok we are two different people and I respect your oppinion. I'm only referring to the OP when I talk about apology, not in general...It doesnt matter if you are the dumper, what good can your apology make? My ex dumped me and crushed my heart, my confidence...everything do you think i'd give a damn if she sais im sorry now? Of course not because I'm a different person because of her, i don't trust people anymore, I don't love anymore.........anyway...

 

I probably take things far too broadly.... No offence meant. As you say, different people do different things and have different approaches....And after all is said and done, it's the OP's call and he can probably read the situation far better than we can.

[guest569]

Oh and my ex DID apologise during the breakup many times, and it meant absolutely nothing to me.

[martaldn]

I've seen threads on here about moving on after someone has wronged you and eventually forgiving them. Those aren't uncommon. What about a situation where YOU wronged the person?

 

I've posted a bit about a girl I was dating for seven months. She was enamored by me...enough to the point to end her relationship with her current boyfriend and pursue me.

 

Fast forward I have come to terms with many things that I did wrong:

 

1) I harshly judged her. Her flaws. Her perceived neediness, the fact that I didn't believe she did much outside of her life besides work and going out and drinking. Criticized her for cheating. I may have been OK in making judgements in my observations, but tearing someone to shreds, making them cry, etc. that is something I hate doing to anyone.

 

2) I did not set a proper expectation of our relationship. She clearly wanted more and wanted to be with me. I had reservations so I delayed things. If these were not met I should have ended it instead of dragging it out so long.

 

3) I gave mixed signals which hurt her. This goes back to #2. I pretty much turned her into a FWB, but TREATED her like a GF in terms of taking her out, cooking for her, doing things she wanted, but I did not want everyone to know about us, nor did I have interest in publicizing us dating one another. This of course frustrated her because it gave the illusion that I was 'available' to other girls, but I did not actually pursue anyone else during this time.

 

4) Not being decisive in my decision. Sure of course she may have hated me, but dragging it out like I did for seven months instead of maybe 3-4 would have been more emotionally healthy for her.

 

She brought out an ugly side of me sometimes. When she would get upset with me I would get hyper defensive. She said I love to argue, which I have before, but this is a relationship in which I retaliated with criticism harshly and deeply hurt someone. Someone that revealed things about her and I perhaps used them against her. This is not the type of person I intended to be nor do I want to for anyone else.

 

Right now she doesn't want much to do with me now. She says she loves me. I DO care about her, but I do feel that I would be settling with her, despite the fact that in my heart I did want things to work out and I wish I didn't have reservations. The truth of the matter is that I cannot force how I feel and this is almost unrequited love.

 

I made an error and want to be a better person for the next relationship. Right now though I know I hurt someone that deeply cares about me and would do anything for me. That hurts the most because I pride myself in being such a great person and I hurt someone close to me. Any advice appreciated!

 

I have been in that girl situation and when the guy -that treated me like crap for 5 years - told me he was sorry I didnt give a damn. The only thing I wished in that moment was to never had invested so much time and feelings into a "relationship" that only gave me heartaches and left me completely devastated.

[avelonia2013]

I am with martaldn, OP. Don't insult her with an apology because that is all it will be. Treating her the way you did speaks more about you than her. Leave her alone and chalk it up to a learning experience. Then figure out why you got off on beating someone down and she needs to figure out why she let you do that to her.

 

Good luck!

[BC1980]

I wouldn't apologize at this point in the game. I feel that most apologies are done to relieve guilt because apologizing doesn't help the other person all that much. The damage has already been done, and it's usually more detrimental to stir up emotions again. The OP's post is mainly centered on how he can move on from doing this, which is fine. It's just human nature.

[Biscous]

My OP was more about moving on and forgiveness, not necessarily apologizing. I did apologize simply because I did a few things by accident. It seems this topic went into a different direction.

[BC1980]

My OP was more about moving on and forgiveness, not necessarily apologizing. I did apologize simply because I did a few things by accident. It seems this topic went into a different direction.

 

I think the best thing we can do is work to forgive ourselves. I think that's what you are getting at. I think the best way to do that is to figure out why you did what you did. We all make mistakes. No one is all good or all bad. I think that moving on and forgiveness take a good bit of time and come when you are possibly in another situation and make a different decision.

 

For me, I have slowly forgiven myself for mistakes in my past relationship, and it happened when unexpected situations arose that allowed me to make better choices than I ones had. It's a process and a complicated one. Don't take all of the blame on yourself an realize that what's done is done.