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In a strange situation with my ex... friends with benefits...


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Short background on our relationship...

 

We dated four years, half was in college and half after graduation. After graduation our relationship became rather toxic, it was off and on with lots of highs and lows. Most of it was my fault - I was immature and thought the grass would be greener without her. Now I realize she was a great fit for me long term, but I fear the damage has been done to our trust from our repeated breakups.

 

After our last breakup, we went no contact for 2-3 months, which was the longest we had ever gone without speaking to one another. One day I just decided to message her, and I was happy she actually responded. I wished her well and we did not speak again for a week or two.

 

And now the current situation...

 

Then this past weekend, I came back to my hometown to visit my parents, and my ex still lives near there. So I got in touch with her just on the slight chance she might want to see me. Long story short, she asked me to come up and see her at her new apartment. It was strange, we treated each other as friends and caught up with one another since we hadn't been speaking, then ended up having sex and cuddling some through the night. In the morning I hugged her goodbye and kissed her on the cheek. She smiled and everything was cool.

 

When we were catching up she told me about a guy she met that she has feelings for, but she couldn't be with him because he travels all the time for work. This makes me think she just used me spontaneously to help cope with his absence (since they aren't exclusively dating). Throughout the night she made it clear to me she just wanted to be friends and did not want to end up hurting me. I told her that's what I wanted too (even though it's mostly a lie, I would love a chance to reconcile with her). Right before we had sex she stopped me again just to ask if I was sure (this made me wonder whether she was really trying to be cool and protect me, or part of her was telling her to protect herself).

 

But what makes me think it might have been something more was how much she stressed us not involving feelings in what we were doing. In the past she was always the one that came back to me when I broke up with her, so I think she was protecting herself from potentially being hurt again.

 

On top of that, since that night she hasn't been very open to talking to me. And that's the real kicker - I can't figure out if that's because she is protecting herself (maybe the feelings came back and it upset her) or she is truly over me and really has no desire to talk to me (despite the great time we just had together haha). That's what's so strange about the situation.

 

I am respecting her space, and I'm not jealous of anyone she's dating. She 100% deserves a chance to find someone else, as poorly as I treated our relationship in the end. But part of me wants to win her back badly, and I admittedly just do not know how I can.

 

It's only been a few days since that night, and there is a sporting event coming up this weekend that we both enjoy. I tried to see if she wanted to watch it together, asking in a humorous way and keeping the conversation light and carefree. She indicated that we shouldn't, and I acted like it wasn't a big deal and brushed it off, but it did hurt me in a sense. I want to show to her that I am pursuing her and break out of just a "friends with benefits" relationship, but in doing so I could potentially come off as needy if I continually ask to see her, and completely lose any relationship we have left. So either I try too much, and scare her off. Or I don't try at all and risk losing her since I never took any action to win her back (and never proved to her that I changed).

 

I'm sorry for not keeping this more brief, but you sort of have to know all of the story to have an idea of what's going on. I wish I knew what was going on in her head - but she definitely has a huge guard up with me.

 

If anyone has any insight or advice, it would be very much appreciated. I feel like it's a delicate situation that could either put her in or out of my life for good.

Edited by Colors
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I think you need to be honest with her and let her know your feelings. She was probably being honest with you and you should take it that way. You should have been honest with her before you hooked up because you ended up lying to her. Don't go any further with the sex until you tell her. You sound like you can't really do the friends with benefits, so tell her like it is and just don't go over board and come off like you're begging and pleading. Just tell her how you feel and if she wants to try again, great, but don't pressure her or you will lose her for sure. If she says no or she's not sure, you'll need to back away. You cannot just be friends with her. You still have emotional attachment and want to be with her again romantically.

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NoLeafClover

I'm like ur ex... my ex broke up with me..I took it real hard n moved on after a year and a bad relationship of 6 months after. I contacted my ex cuz I had moved on but was kinda curious to see where I stood... long story short we end up sleeping together... then some more... now she can't wait to do it again and I can tell she has feelings for me and probe secretly wants to try again..here is the thing I don't care bout her like that. I enjoy sex to the fullesssst but that's that. I took a beating from the break up with her and I will never go back to that again.

From personals experience , let sex be sex and close that book. Sorry to tell you but she has moved on. Learn from this mistake and make better deccisions

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Honestly it doesn't really hurt me to be friends with benefits. I definitely prefer it to just being her friend or not even being in her life lol. I've just never really been FWB with someone and it's just interesting to me to think about what's going on in her head.

 

 

Like...

 

What made her spontaneously want to see me and have sex with me? Does she regret it, or can I expect her to want it again?

Is she truly over it? And if so, will sex bring back her feelings for me?

 

 

It's so weird because I used to be in her position at times in our relationship. I saw the relationship as dead, but we continued to have sex. It was clear she wanted me back and was using sex as a tool to accomplish that. Now I'm in her position, but hiding my feelings because I don't want what's left of our relationship to end. I honestly think if I come clean and tell her I'd like to get back with her she would reject the idea because of all the pain I've put her through, and I'd lose the sexual relationship with her as well since she would know about my feelings.

 

I guess I'm coming to realize there is no scenario that ends with us together.

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It sounds like she doesn't want anything more than just friendship. Otherwise she would have spoken about it after having sex with you.

 

 

She said she has feelings for this other guy so I suggest you move on. If she wants you she will chase you.

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