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Very Depressed Over Breakup


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depressedman87

Hello everyone,

 

I'm running out of people to talk to. I'll try to keep this short but it won't be easy. Thank you in advance for anyone who takes time to read this.

 

About two months ago my gf who's 22 broke up with me. (I'm in my early 30's) The age was never an issue and I always considered her very mature. We argued a lot and have had some issues for a couple of months until it finally culminated. She was very adamant about seeing other people but maybe in the future we could ''try again''. A week after we broke up she needed someone so I went over because she was having some family issues. We went out for dinner and the next day she asked me to sleep over because she didn't want to be alone. I did. we fooled around but in the morning she gave me the ''what are we doing, we can't do this'' spiel.

 

Over the past two months she's become a party animal. Always getting wasted with her new friends which she all of a sudden has. She never used to go out this much or get drunk or dress as provocatively as she is now. The worse part is for 4 weeks straight she'd drunk dial or drunk text me telling me how much she loves me and misses me and I'm the one for her. Even called me sober one night to say she misses cuddling and all the fun stuff but not the fighting. Every time this happenned, the next morning I'd get an apology text saying she was wasted and she meant it but she knows it can't work. Anyway, I've had the feeling that throughout this whole process she's been seeing someone else. Last night I saw them. He was driving her home at 3am. Not much to do on a tuesday that late except you know what. They didn't see me luckily but still it killed me. I haven't been able to get out of bed, eat or anything for 2 months. I don't know what to do anymore. How can you tell someone you love them and miss them and want things to work one day in a perfect world just 2 weeks ago?? but then blatantly be seeing or probably sleeping with someone else. It hurts a lot. Any help is appreciated.

 

Thanks.

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loversquarrel

Having a similar experience years ago I learned the hard way, just as you are now, that she ISN'T MATURE enough for an adult relationship. Age may not make a difference to you, but it certainly does as far as her behavior goes. She lied to you, she is not who you think she is, and she more than likely cheated on you. Be the adult, confront her and tell her its over.

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supportlove

It sounds like she is not mature enough yet. Obviously, she depended on you and attached to you emotionally. But, this is not love. You should go NC. If she decided to end the relationship, why do you still be there for her?

 

As a woman point of view, you will be more attractive to her if you man up and show her some boundaries.

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It's gonna be tough if you try to hang in there. As others have noted, she is not mature. She is at the age where she needs to go out and have her fun. you went through your early 20's already. I remember mine and they were a blast, but no long term relationships during that time for me.

 

Let her go do what she feels she needs to. You need to maybe find someone close to your age that's hopefully been through this stage. If your 39 and she's 30, then it's not a big difference. Heck even if you were 48 and she was 34 you'd stand a better chance.

 

I met a woman that is in her middle 40's and married young and never experienced the fun of going out in her 20's and now she is trying to go through that phase which is tough at her age. she's trying to act like her daughter who is in college and just turned 20. Mid-life crisis.

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hoping2heal

OP,

 

Are you working or a student right now? You mentioned not being able to eat or get out of bed the past 2 months. I wasn't sure if you meant outside of work, etc. or...

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depressedman87

I work. That's pretty much all i get up to do. And i sit in front of a laptop all day or night so obviously the social networks don't help. I know I should erase her as everyone says but I just can't do it. Even though I dread seeing that future pic of her and someone else. It's so bad now I dread the rest of the summer, I'm already not looking forward to the winter and being alone since she lived with me for 4 months while she was in school.

 

It's not even the partying that bothers me. Maybe a bit, considering right before we broke up I couldn't get her out of bed for a movie at night, so it's kind of weird how now she's ALWAYS OUT. It's the sleeping with a new guy thing. So quickly. When supposedly we can't hang out ''like buddies'' because we'd just end up getting back together. IF she's so sure we'd get back together then why not try? and how can you just be with someone new if you supposedly still have feelings for me? Just messing with my head so much. It's hard to let go of any hope for the future.

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loversquarrel

Look, the whole "Maybe in the future we can be together, I have soooo much feeling for you, blah blah blah...." - mere words to shut you up and make herself feel less guilty.

 

In reading your first post, I couldn't help but notice you mentioned she has "family issues" - red flag here, especially depending on the severity of these issues. You may want to see a therapist and look into why you feel the way you do about her, maybe you are in some way playing the role of a savior?

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depressedman87

Another horrid day. All day I'm just picturing her with him, doing all the things we used to do together. Just getting incredibly intimate and loving it while not even thinking about me. How the hell do I stop these terrible thoughts? I feel like I'll be like this a year from now!!

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hoping2heal
I work. That's pretty much all i get up to do. And i sit in front of a laptop all day or night so obviously the social networks don't help. I know I should erase her as everyone says but I just can't do it. Even though I dread seeing that future pic of her and someone else. It's so bad now I dread the rest of the summer, I'm already not looking forward to the winter and being alone since she lived with me for 4 months while she was in school.

 

It's not even the partying that bothers me. Maybe a bit, considering right before we broke up I couldn't get her out of bed for a movie at night, so it's kind of weird how now she's ALWAYS OUT. It's the sleeping with a new guy thing. So quickly. When supposedly we can't hang out ''like buddies'' because we'd just end up getting back together. IF she's so sure we'd get back together then why not try? and how can you just be with someone new if you supposedly still have feelings for me? Just messing with my head so much. It's hard to let go of any hope for the future.

 

How do you feel about your work OP? Is it your career or a job?

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loversquarrel

You can't stop the thoughts but you can control them by keeping busy. There are a ton of things you can do such as work out, make an appointment with a therapist, hang out with friends, etc..

 

I know right now its difficult, but you have to force yourself to do things and go complete no contact with her. You also have to really think long and hard that if she were to come back to you, would you really want a woman who has treated you this way??

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depressedman87
How do you feel about your work OP? Is it your career or a job?

 

It's a career. I work at a TV station. Union job. Good pay. Just night shifts, day shifts, weekends, Kind of all over the place. And late evenings when I'm by myself it just drives me crazy.

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depressedman87
You can't stop the thoughts but you can control them by keeping busy. There are a ton of things you can do such as work out, make an appointment with a therapist, hang out with friends, etc..

 

I know right now its difficult, but you have to force yourself to do things and go complete no contact with her. You also have to really think long and hard that if she were to come back to you, would you really want a woman who has treated you this way??

 

I try. I go to the gym and I leave half an hour later because we used to go together. I got the pass because of her and she always asked me to go with her. I tried the therapist. Didn't help, just cost a lot of money. And I force myself to hang out with friends but I'm such a downer I just don't feel like being there. And Every girl i see now I just compare to her and think I'll never get one as gorgeous or one that was so caring and sweet when we were together. She used to say stuff like ''I can't wait to spend the rest of my life with you'' I was in heaven to have found a 21 year old like that. I really thought she was ''the one''

 

And I know what you mean. Could I really take someone back that has done this stuff to me post breakup. Four times to call me drunk and profess her love then backtrack the next day while already seeing/sleeping with someone. It's horrible. But to me she's still a sweetheart and unfortunately at this point I feel like I would take her back. I hope that goes away, I just can't kick the hope right now that maybe one day she'll return, but I know I need to let go, I just don't know how.

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hoping2heal

There has to be something in life, besides this girl that brings you a sense of joy, inspiration, and pride

 

Isn't there?

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depressedman87
There has to be something in life, besides this girl that brings you a sense of joy, inspiration, and pride

 

Isn't there?

 

To be honest, right now. No. I started meds two weeks ago. They don't seem to be working yet. It just hurts cause I was so patient for 8 months when she was in school. She Had anxiety attacks cause of homework. Busy all the time. I'd drive to her house just to see her do homework while I watched TV. We didn't even go out for about 3 months cause she was so worried about school and work. And I was counting down till summer, we had so many plans. And now that she's finally free she has no time for me. I'm not even an option when she has a day off. 2 months ago, It was ''I have no time anyway, I need to grocery shop, go to the gym, you're not pressuring me but I feel pressured to see you''

 

And now she has all the time in the world to get wasted 3 nights a week and see this new guy till 3am on a random weekday. It should be me. I was so goddamn patient and now that she has all this time and she finally has friends (she didnt when we were together) I'm completely disregarded and thrown away. She bought me a 300 dollar ring 3 weeks before dumping me saying it's a ring for ''hope'' that we can stay together. Even asked me to isncribe it with our names! 3 weeks later we break up and she says it was a mistake to buy it and she was trying to force it. That's kind of hurtful.

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loversquarrel

It hurts terribly now, but try reading some of what you are posting to let it sink in. She was using you and leading you on, she isn't sweet she's treated you horribly, she was only 21 when you met, she parties irresponsibly, she is already screwing someone else.

 

BTW - I'm not so sure I'm convinced your little sweetheart wasn't screwing around on you pre-breakup, all the indicators are there. It's time to get angry.

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hoping2heal
To be honest, right now. No. I started meds two weeks ago. They don't seem to be working yet. It just hurts cause I was so patient for 8 months when she was in school. She Had anxiety attacks cause of homework. Busy all the time. I'd drive to her house just to see her do homework while I watched TV. We didn't even go out for about 3 months cause she was so worried about school and work. And I was counting down till summer, we had so many plans. And now that she's finally free she has no time for me. I'm not even an option when she has a day off. 2 months ago, It was ''I have no time anyway, I need to grocery shop, go to the gym, you're not pressuring me but I feel pressured to see you''

 

And now she has all the time in the world to get wasted 3 nights a week and see this new guy till 3am on a random weekday. It should be me. I was so goddamn patient and now that she has all this time and she finally has friends (she didnt when we were together) I'm completely disregarded and thrown away. She bought me a 300 dollar ring 3 weeks before dumping me saying it's a ring for ''hope'' that we can stay together. Even asked me to isncribe it with our names! 3 weeks later we break up and she says it was a mistake to buy it and she was trying to force it. That's kind of hurtful.

 

On the note of your girlfriend and her free time and dumping : It's not kind of hurtful, it's very hurtful. Your girlfriend is too naive to understand the value of what you did for her. That will be her hurtful lesson to learn. You were a good partner, and her not valuing you in the way you deserved doesn't change that. I hope you see that about yourself.

 

Now, back to the track I was on in the first place...

 

It's great that you were so patient for her and available to her needs but now she's gone and you feel hopeless. Why shouldn't you feel that way? You just told me you have nothing in your life that gives you joy, inspiration, and pride. This is where you're doing it wrong.

 

You need something for you so that you can be reminded of your passion and vigor and confidence. I'm not even talking about ladies or relationships either.

 

There's more to you than guy who works at T.V. station and (Insert girl's name)'s boyfriend.

 

Except, you don't seem to know/think that. So, now Girl is gone and you're left with "guy works at T.V. station".

 

It's not to say that having other things you care about will take away the pain of losing her. This isn't about replacing the loss or filling the void - it's about uncovering that in the midst of the loss and in spite of the void there are good things to look forward to in your life and there's a reason to get out of bed beyond going to work. Having that won't take the pain away but I do believe it will soften the blow in the sense that the only good, true thing is no longer gone.

 

You need more for yourself. I hope that makes sense.

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depressedman87
It hurts terribly now, but try reading some of what you are posting to let it sink in. She was using you and leading you on, she isn't sweet she's treated you horribly, she was only 21 when you met, she parties irresponsibly, she is already screwing someone else.

 

BTW - I'm not so sure I'm convinced your little sweetheart wasn't screwing around on you pre-breakup, all the indicators are there. It's time to get angry.

 

I'm pretty sure she wasn't but I'm guessing she knew this guy because he was a regular at the bar she works at. I'm not sure how she was using me but if you say so. She just started partying now. That's why it's weird. It's like she's a brand new person who all of a sudden has lost all of her depression and anxiety about going out to clubs with other girls. I do get angry sometimes, but it's quickly overshadowed by utter depression and wanting her back. I have the incredible urge to call her right now. I'm on day 13 of NC. And it's tough as hell. Someone stop me!!!

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depressedman87
On the note of your girlfriend and her free time and dumping : It's not kind of hurtful, it's very hurtful. Your girlfriend is too naive to understand the value of what you did for her. That will be her hurtful lesson to learn. You were a good partner, and her not valuing you in the way you deserved doesn't change that. I hope you see that about yourself.

 

Thanks. I did start a lot of arguments so I wasn't such a great guy, but I feel like with some of her issues I was very patient and wanted to work on things while in the end she just gave up on me. And I've made a lot of positive changes in my life because of her, so i was still a work in progress.

 

I wish she realized how hurtful she was with these drunk calls and love BS but then saying ''I meant it but we can't do it, we need to see other people to see how that works. Oh, but I would love if one day we could work out''

 

When she finally apologized and said she won't do the drunk calls anymore I called her to say how it hurt me and she got mad as hell and told me to **** off three times! ''what do you want to hear?!, what can I say, I know you're a nice guy but did being a nice guy cause us to breakup? NO!, I know I hurt you, I'm not some heartless bitch, I guess you don't know me. Everyone tells me I'm hurting you that's why I'm telling you I'm not gonna do it anymore'' Just got so pissed at me just for me telling her how that **** made me feel.

 

On one side I'm happy she won't do it anymore, but on the other, I secretly wish she still did because it always gave me some kind of hope and that she still thought about me and missed me even if she was with this new guy. Ugh..I hate my brain.

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depressedman87

Sitting at work right now by the way. Having a mini attack, and already checked her facebook and instagram bout 20 times. I know she's not working tonight so obviously my mind is running rampant that she's with him again. Banging him silly for 6 hours straight and loving every minute of it.

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hoping2heal

Duuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuude,

 

Okay, I wrote a post focusing on the importance of you getting some focus around things that will make you feel good.

 

Your response was to go on, and on, and on about your ex.

 

Don't get me wrong - it's okay to vent, but you're making my point for me. Everything is about her and when you're confronted with the possibility of having something outside of her you can't help to revert back to this girl.

 

I don't know you, I don't know what makes you tick. What you care about, etc. But, it's really not just a bunch of "live laugh love" bull**** what I was posting to you earlier.

 

You're somebody other than the guy this girl f'd over. Maybe you're not gym guy, fine! Maybe you're not go to therapy guy, that's fine too! But you're someone other than this girl's pissing rug aren't you??!

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depressedman87
Duuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuude,

 

Okay, I wrote a post focusing on the importance of you getting some focus around things that will make you feel good.

 

Your response was to go on, and on, and on about your ex.

 

Don't get me wrong - it's okay to vent, but you're making my point for me. Everything is about her and when you're confronted with the possibility of having something outside of her you can't help to revert back to this girl.

 

I don't know you, I don't know what makes you tick. What you care about, etc. But, it's really not just a bunch of "live laugh love" bull**** what I was posting to you earlier.

 

You're somebody other than the guy this girl f'd over. Maybe you're not gym guy, fine! Maybe you're not go to therapy guy, that's fine too! But you're someone other than this girl's pissing rug aren't you??!

 

 

I guess I've always had an issue of being happy when I have someone and then nothing else matters. I've always been a relationship guy and when I'm in a great one everything else is great in my life. When I don't have a gf, i get lonely and depressed and just sit at home wondering if I'll ever meet anyone. When I thought I finally did and I lost her it kills me that's all. I know what everyone is saying. It's just incredibly hard to grasp at this point. How the hell do I finally let go and not focus on this false hope that maybe one day she'll return and everything will be rosy. My own mother and friends say if she ever comes back in the future don't you dare take her back after all this immature **** she's done to you. I need to get rid of this stupid future hope!

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hoping2heal
I guess I've always had an issue of being happy when I have someone and then nothing else matters. I've always been a relationship guy and when I'm in a great one everything else is great in my life. When I don't have a gf, i get lonely and depressed and just sit at home wondering if I'll ever meet anyone. When I thought I finally did and I lost her it kills me that's all. I know what everyone is saying. It's just incredibly hard to grasp at this point. How the hell do I finally let go and not focus on this false hope that maybe one day she'll return and everything will be rosy. My own mother and friends say if she ever comes back in the future don't you dare take her back after all this immature **** she's done to you. I need to get rid of this stupid future hope!

 

It's okay to go through the motions, in spite of what happens to us we still love the people we care about. You're still going to miss her and think fond things about her because your Mother has a perspective of the girl that you don't and vice versa. Your Mother only sees the hurt she has caused you and her selfish, childish ways. You see that too, but you also see the love you have for her. You're going to miss her and you're going to have hope. It's normal and it's par for the course. Don't try so hard to not think and feel the things you're going to and just ride them out while being smart about it e.g. not giving into every whim and feeling just because it's there.

 

I do hope though, that you'll give some serious thought to what I said and find some things that are a part of you and that make you feel good about yourself; that help to restore some pride and confidence as well as give you focus and drive.

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depressedman87
It's okay to go through the motions, in spite of what happens to us we still love the people we care about. You're still going to miss her and think fond things about her because your Mother has a perspective of the girl that you don't and vice versa. Your Mother only sees the hurt she has caused you and her selfish, childish ways. You see that too, but you also see the love you have for her. You're going to miss her and you're going to have hope. It's normal and it's par for the course. Don't try so hard to not think and feel the things you're going to and just ride them out while being smart about it e.g. not giving into every whim and feeling just because it's there.

 

I do hope though, that you'll give some serious thought to what I said and find some things that are a part of you and that make you feel good about yourself; that help to restore some pride and confidence as well as give you focus and drive.

 

I've been trying to ride them out. But it's been 9 weeks since we broke up and nothing is changing. Mind you I saw her about once a week and went to her bday party like an idiot just to have her ignore me all damn night and see her flirt with guys in front of my face (Only to call me wasted 2 hours later that she misses me and loves me of course lol). So now is day 13 of NC and 15 days since I've seen her. So I guess it truly began two weeks ago. But just stuff like seeing her with this dude brought me back to square one and filled my head with intimate visions that's all. It was guessing games before whether she was with someone and now I know for sure so I guess it's the nail in the coffin I should finally accept.

 

I appreciate everything you wrote and I'll do my best and try not to dread the future. It's just tough. Already don't want to wake up tomorrow lol and I want to freaking call her!! UGHHHHH!!!

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bubbaganoosh
Sitting at work right now by the way. Having a mini attack, and already checked her facebook and instagram bout 20 times.

 

Dude, there's your problem right there. You refuse to let go and until you do, you'll continue to to be in that permanent funk and never get out of it.

 

Delete her from all those sites on your computer. If by chance she calls, either block the call or tell her to use her ass and butt dial someone else and be done with it.

 

There comes a point in time that you have to realize that all the brooding and wishing isn't going to do anything for you.

 

Out of sight, out of mind. Remember that

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depressedman87
Dude, there's your problem right there. You refuse to let go and until you do, you'll continue to to be in that permanent funk and never get out of it.

 

Delete her from all those sites on your computer. If by chance she calls, either block the call or tell her to use her ass and butt dial someone else and be done with it.

 

There comes a point in time that you have to realize that all the brooding and wishing isn't going to do anything for you.

 

Out of sight, out of mind. Remember that

 

I know that's the smart thing to do but for some reason I can't do it. She still has pictures of me everywhere and I feel like when she erases them is when I do it or when I finally see a dreaded picture of her and him. I don't know why I can't get myself to do it. It's like I know it's going to bring me pain and torture me yet I keep doing it and checking it obssessively. I definitely have issues. lol

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