Trane Posted July 24, 2014 Share Posted July 24, 2014 Broke up with a girl because I couldn't take hanging out with her exes and doing my best to make friends with them at her request. She says some of her exes became close friends that relied on each other more after they broke up. Part of the package was accepting these relationships as part of her present situation. I couldn't deal with it and she said I was jealous and immature. I just said I don't need weekly and monthly introductions to the guys you were with. I have no desire to buddyup to them nor do I feel like drinking or partying with them. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
No Limit Posted July 24, 2014 Share Posted July 24, 2014 You'd think that these guys would sooner or later tire of that as well... What is that girl thinking? In what scenario would you ever feel comfortable with each other? This isn't like a TV show where they just ask each other "Soo, are you, you or you the guy that made her hate oral? Be honest!" That girl is so naive it's worth a facewall. Too bad this forum doesn't have that smiley. 7 Link to post Share on other sites
flitzanu Posted July 24, 2014 Share Posted July 24, 2014 it's not entirely uncommon. i'm friends with exes and have no feelings for them, and have made friends with their current/past boyfriends they've dated. Link to post Share on other sites
marcjb Posted July 24, 2014 Share Posted July 24, 2014 (edited) Broke up with a girl because I couldn't take hanging out with her exes and doing my best to make friends with them at her request. She says some of her exes became close friends that relied on each other more after they broke up. Part of the package was accepting these relationships as part of her present situation. I couldn't deal with it and she said I was jealous and immature. I just said I don't need weekly and monthly introductions to the guys you were with. I have no desire to buddyup to them nor do I feel like drinking or partying with them. You absolutely did the right thing. What is it with this type of person? Are they really that clueless? No one should have to put up with this behavior. They like to project blame to justify their own actions. This is how they view whichever relationship they're in:http://hvceremonies.files.wordpress.com/2011/03/133256.jpg No doubt at all it's wrong and I would not put up with it either, but I'll tell you one thing though, at least she was honest with you that they were ex's which did not hide the fact that there was history. It was easier for you to make the decision to end it in this case. I did not have that luxury. My ex introduced me to her "friends" and it wasn't until we were about 6 or 7 months into the relationship and a few times of me asking that she admitted she was with two of these "friends". Both of them apparently one time each a week before I met her. Why the **** would anyone want to meet a person that their partner has been intimate with before? To make it extremely easy to picture them having sex? To think I actually shook those guy's hands and hung out with one of them multiple times... It's like there was a huge inside joke between them and I was mr. oblivious. Not a good feeling! Edited July 24, 2014 by marcjb 5 Link to post Share on other sites
NoLeafClover Posted July 24, 2014 Share Posted July 24, 2014 people here amaze me with their responses... "hey hunny, let me introduce you to the guys I was banning before you. You better be friends cuz nothing matters more than my friendship with those that were inside me and screwed me as they pleased" There is no reason for her being friends with their exs... let alone you having to be friends with her exe... just the thought would make me punch them in the face.. Don't confuse being in good terms with an ex the same as being friends with an ex. They are exs for a reason... they belong in the past. End of that chapter... that's how I roll and if you don't like it then get the f out. Props to you..don't let her do this to you. She is immature to put you in that situation and not understanding. If you did it to her she would not like it either. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
sumathi Posted July 24, 2014 Share Posted July 24, 2014 Thank god you broke up with your girl friend. You should not be forced to be friends with her ex. How can she love you and still be friendly with her ex. Very strange and unacceptable. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Sugarkane Posted July 24, 2014 Share Posted July 24, 2014 Sounds like she has a harem of exes to feed her ego. How does she manage to do this? What do they do when they get new girlfriends? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Trane Posted July 24, 2014 Author Share Posted July 24, 2014 Sounds like she has a harem of exes to feed her ego. How does she manage to do this? What do they do when they get new girlfriends? One of the absolute worst experiences was being told to go back to her house and hang out with her female roommate. I didn't have a problem with this because they were good friends who respected each others relationships and personal space. I got along with her as well, so there was no harm or any fears of stuff happening that shouldn't. What irked me the most was when I walked outside to the backyard and two of her ex boyfriends who I didn't know were actual exes, were there drinking the beer I put in the fridge. Both of them introduced themselves to me as just friends of my girlfriend and one of them said he knew her roommate. It's when my girlfriend came home later and told me that she dated both of the guys and kept one of them for a while as an FWB. So politely, I told her that I didn't want to see guys in her apartment or entertain them while waiting for her to get home. I didn't want them drinking my beer either. Of course a mini-fight results and I seemed like the bad guy who had issues with these so-called "close male friends." 5 Link to post Share on other sites
marcjb Posted July 24, 2014 Share Posted July 24, 2014 (edited) She has problems, lots of them. She must be so detached emotionally to not understand that would hurt you. It's obvious just considering she is ok with a FWB situation, nevermind the fact that she keeps her past around like she's collecting action figures and invites everyone over for a playdate. Edited July 24, 2014 by marcjb 2 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted July 24, 2014 Share Posted July 24, 2014 If you were unhappy & uncomfortable, better you should get out. I'm a big proponent of accepting pre-existing same sex friends, provided they are not EX-lovers / BF-GF. Those people gotta go & new romantic partners should not be repeatedly subjected to them nor should the other person have a great deal of on-going contact with them. From the title of your post, I thought you were going to complain about the sheer # of people she dated & that they were everywhere. That too can be hard to have thrown in your face. At my 25 HS reunion DH was introduced to the boy I dated for something really meaningful like a month. Shortly after we got together we bumped into the family of my EX who had died. That was awkward but it wasn't like I could run away from a mother who had lost her son within the last year. Everybody has EXs after a certain point. To have to say hello & past 3-5 minutes when the person is one thing. No more than polite pleasantries are required. Especially if you expressed discomfort your now-EX was wrong to force these guys on you. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
life-is-short Posted July 24, 2014 Share Posted July 24, 2014 (edited) Thanks for this post. My ex-gf had a similar issue. I tried to be cool about it, but it was a bit strange at times: * One of her ex's got her a job at a company where he worked. She works with him on a small team of only the two of them and one other person (there are other people in the company, but just three people on that team). (My ex-gf and her ex-bf didn't mention to their manager that they used to date). * She texted frequently with the ex-bf she had just before me. * She e-mailed frequently with her ex-fiance (who she told me she missed a lot and he wrote her letters/sent her things). * She texted a lot with a male friend she said loved her and she said that he wishes he could be with her, but she said she wasn't interested in him (but they texted all the time)...she would also usually invite him over to her place when I wasn't there or sometimes we'd all meet up together and she'd ride with him to an event. * She texted frequently with a co-worker who she said she wasn't interested in, but who I could tell was interested in her and she said it was innocent. Yes, yes, I know...schmuck I am:) I tried to be cool with all of this, but sometimes it bothered me and when I brought it up, she said I was being unreasonable. I told her that I wasn't trying to be jealous, but that I didn't think she had appropriate boundaries with her exs. In working with a therapist, I'm fairly certain at the very least that she was very immature, but more likely BPD or NPD. I was terrible at my boundaries for disrespecting myself (doormat) and not being clearer about what was/wasn't acceptable to me. In retrospect, there were so many signals that were clear that we weren't compatible, but in the thick of things, I didn't pay attention (or didn't want to). It's her right to associate with whomever she would like to be with. It's my right to decide if such woman is worth being with in a relationship. I finally came to the conclusion, much belatedly, that she wasn't. If nothing else, the relationship was an important lesson for me in not being a doormat and the importance of respecting myself and importance of seeing red flags (and being willing to walk, early) and importance of setting clear boundaries! Hard, but important lesson to learn! Edited July 24, 2014 by life-is-short 1 Link to post Share on other sites
flitzanu Posted July 25, 2014 Share Posted July 25, 2014 everyone is that crazily insecure that you can't even MEET someone your girlfriend banged before you? did you never think, "she chose to be banging ME now and NOT them"? people...have sex...before you meet them. and nothing you ever, ever, do to them will be the first time it's happened. at some point in life you are going to meet a guy that your gf has slept with. Link to post Share on other sites
marcjb Posted July 25, 2014 Share Posted July 25, 2014 (edited) everyone is that crazily insecure that you can't even MEET someone your girlfriend banged before you? did you never think, "she chose to be banging ME now and NOT them"? people...have sex...before you meet them. and nothing you ever, ever, do to them will be the first time it's happened. at some point in life you are going to meet a guy that your gf has slept with. If you are in a location with your partner, and their ex walks up to both of you that is one thing, but for anyone to keep their past around voluntarily is another. I don't think anyone here is saying that someone shouldn't have a past, but it's a problem when people keep it around. It's no longer the past if it's kept around in the present. Actual insecurity - someone complaining about their looks or being over weight. Projection - calling someone "insecure" or "jealous" for not putting up with your behavoir as a way to justify your own actions. In most cases the one projecting would not be ok with the other person doing the same thing. Edited July 25, 2014 by marcjb 6 Link to post Share on other sites
organizedchaos Posted July 25, 2014 Share Posted July 25, 2014 everyone is that crazily insecure that you can't even MEET someone your girlfriend banged before you? did you never think, "she chose to be banging ME now and NOT them"? people...have sex...before you meet them. and nothing you ever, ever, do to them will be the first time it's happened. at some point in life you are going to meet a guy that your gf has slept with. I don't think that's the point of this thread. Running in to your partners ex is one thing. I randomly met two of my ex gf's ex bf's at different points when we were together. It was one time no big deal. But having to hang out with your gf's ex's because she hangs out with them is something else and I think what we're talking about here. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Sweet108 Posted July 25, 2014 Share Posted July 25, 2014 Don't confuse being in good terms with an ex the same as being friends with an ex. My thoughts exactly. There's a difference between accidentally seeing them in public & being cordial and being friends and hanging out. Um, no thanks. She sounds really self absorbed. You did the right thing. Do you think she enjoys all of this male attention? I know some people really like it when they have more than one person who thinks they're all that. Or more than one person vying for them is their huge ego boost, especially if they don't have enough self worth. People like that need a lot of external validation to feel good. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
marcjb Posted July 25, 2014 Share Posted July 25, 2014 My thoughts exactly. There's a difference between accidentally seeing them in public & being cordial and being friends and hanging out. Um, no thanks. She sounds really self absorbed. You did the right thing. Do you think she enjoys all of this male attention? I know some people really like it when they have more than one person who thinks they're all that. Or more than one person vying for them is their huge ego boost, especially if they don't have enough self worth. People like that need a lot of external validation to feel good. Yup, exactly what my ex is like. No thanks! She can have all of the male attention she wants now, but none of it will be from me. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Trane Posted July 25, 2014 Author Share Posted July 25, 2014 I don't think that's the point of this thread. Running in to your partners ex is one thing. I randomly met two of my ex gf's ex bf's at different points when we were together. It was one time no big deal. But having to hang out with your gf's ex's because she hangs out with them is something else and I think what we're talking about here. Exactly. It got tiresome to see the guys she's dated hang around her place and wanting to chill out with the both of us. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
organizedchaos Posted July 25, 2014 Share Posted July 25, 2014 Exactly. It got tiresome to see the guys she's dated hang around her place and wanting to chill out with the both of us. That's not being insecure. You're entirely right to not be cool with this. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
dannytheman Posted July 25, 2014 Share Posted July 25, 2014 It's one thing to be friends with one ex that meant a lot. but not all. that sounds like she has issues letting go Link to post Share on other sites
marcjb Posted July 25, 2014 Share Posted July 25, 2014 It's one thing to be friends with one ex that meant a lot. but not all. that sounds like she has issues letting go I still disagree with there being even one still around in the present. If they meant so much, they wouldn't be an ex. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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