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Exbf wanted to catch up over FB, then a month later ignores my text. What's going on?


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thistooshalll

We dated 5 years ago; he ended it because his ex-gf came back in the picture and he still had unresolved feelings for her. He started dating her and I started dating my now-fiance (who's amazing).

 

His ex eventually dumped him, and we started to become buddies. Messaging on facebook, texting at least once a month, met for coffee, caught up over the phone. He started dating someone new and the contact slacked a bit, but it was still pretty friendly. This friendship lasted about a year.

 

One day I suggested that next time I'm in town (I live a few states away) that we grab a beer, he said it was a great idea, and then he disappeared. From texting me about once a month to absolutely nada. Not sure if I made him uncomfortable or his gf uncomfortable, but either way...

 

I unfriended him on FB a few months later. I was having a rough time of it in other parts of my life and didn't need any distractions. I didn't talk to him for over a year, until I added him back on facebook two months ago.

 

He accepted and immediately messaged me, asking how I was, saying my fiance was a lucky guy, and we caught up over several days. We're both engaged so we talked a lot about wedding planning, and I tried to stress how happy I was for him. He strangely seemed to bitch a lot about his life in the messages, from his job to wedding planning. His messages also seemed kind of stilted and careful, and I wondered if he had wanted to message me but also didn't want to upset his fiance when she read them (we're both very honest with our SO's.) But, even with that, it seemed like we were becoming buds again.

 

So a month later, I just shot him a friendly text of something I thought he would find amusing (I saw someone doing something my ex would do, and added that if he had been doing [inside joke] as well, I would have been sure it WAS my ex.) I finished the text with "hope everything's going well." I didn't think the text was creepy or flirty, but he didn't answer. He's NEVER ignored a message or text from me, even if he's responded with something quick and short.

 

I'm not going to contact him again, but I'm wondering what's going on here. Did I come across as creepy? why would he ignore me when less than a month earlier he wanted to catch up over facebook? Why would he bother catching up over facebook if he was going to ignore any other attempts to become friends again? Any feedback would be appreciated.

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You're with someone, who's 'amazing'. Who the *F* cares about the ex?

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Standard-Fare
He's NEVER ignored a message or text from me, even if he's responded with something quick and short.

 

This contradicts something you said earlier in your post -- when you described the time he disappeared on you ("absolutely nada") when you wanted to meet up.

 

It seems like you guys just go through a lot of cycles of hot and cold. That seems pretty normal for two exes who are now both engaged to other people. You can't be giving each other a hell of a lot of communication priority, but you seem to care enough to check in every so often, make sure the bond doesn't totally fade.

 

He's probably just in one of those "cold" cycles, and my guess is he'll reemerge at some point when it's convenient for him. If I were you, I would drop it and not stress much about it.

 

If a few more months pass and there's no contact, you could give it another try. If you hear nothing THAT time, it might be a signal that he's dropping out more permanently.

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FortunateSon

I saw your other thread. Let me get this straight...you have an "amazing" fiancé, yet you a concerned you "blew" a second chance to be friends with an ex? You might want to take a closer look at you priorities and boundaries, I would not be happy to hear this if I was your fiancé...

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thistooshalll

Oh, sorry, I wasn't super clear. After I suggested we meet up, he no longer INITIATED any contact. During that time I posted something on my facebook related to his interests and he liked it, and when his pet died I sent him a nice message and he responded. He went from initiating catch-up texts once a month to not initiating any texts at all. But he still responded if I reached out to him. That's why I'm confused this time, because I don't think he's ever outright ignored a message from me.

 

The rest makes perfect sense though. It does seem like he'll disappear for a while and then just pop up in my life. It's frustrating because I feel like I have good intentions; I'm not looking to have a weird game-filled relationship with someone, I just think he's a cool guy and I miss our friendship.

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thistooshalll

My fiance knows all about the text, he has full access to my phone and facebook if he wants it, and I hide nothing. I asked him before I sent the text if he was okay with me sending it, and I wouldn't have sent it if he said no. I've even asked him what he thought of this situation and he was fine with answering and giving advice. He's said he trusts me completely because I'm a 'compulsive truth-teller' and that I 'tell him things that I don't even have to tell him.' There is not a single part of this post that he would find surprising, because I've talked to him about all of it in person.

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thistooshalll

My fiancé is fine with this friendship. I even asked him about this situation and he gave me advice. He says he trusts me completely because I 'tell him things I don't even have to tell him'. I asked him before I sent the text to the ex if it was okay by him, and I wouldn't have sent it if he said no. He knows that I wouldn't go back to the ex even if I had the chance, and that some people are good as only friends and some are good as relationships, and that my ex is the former and my fiancé is the latter.

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My fiancé is fine with this friendship. I even asked him about this situation and he gave me advice. He says he trusts me completely because I 'tell him things I don't even have to tell him'. I asked him before I sent the text to the ex if it was okay by him, and I wouldn't have sent it if he said no. He knows that I wouldn't go back to the ex even if I had the chance, and that some people are good as only friends and some are good as relationships, and that my ex is the former and my fiancé is the latter.
Thank you so much for this little filler, but it absolutely avoids addressing the questions -

 

You're with someone, who's 'amazing'. Who the *F* cares about the ex?

 

Why are you even concerned or keeping this ex in your life if you have an "amazing" fiancé?

 

To be honest, the past is past and that's where it should stay. Forget him, close the book, move on and ignore. Dealt with.

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I have to wonder if you still have unresolved feelings for your ex. You seem to be so consumed with this "friendship" with him. If I had an amazing fiance, the last thing I would be thinking about is why I can't manage a friendship with an ex. Check your motives.

 

I have friends that I don't talk to for months and we somehow just pick up where we left off, even on FB -- I don't go unfriending/friending because I have expectations for contact. Seems like you are affected by his actions towards you and that in itself is a sign that you still care about his validation.

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http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/second-chances/486759-got-2nd-chance-friends-again-ex-but-i-think-i-blew

 

And the fact that you posted another thread about this in Second Chances is indicative that you are really not detached from your past.

 

You're consumed and too affected.

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My fiance knows all about the text, he has full access to my phone and facebook if he wants it, and I hide nothing. I asked him before I sent the text if he was okay with me sending it, and I wouldn't have sent it if he said no. I've even asked him what he thought of this situation and he was fine with answering and giving advice. He's said he trusts me completely because I'm a 'compulsive truth-teller' and that I 'tell him things that I don't even have to tell him.' There is not a single part of this post that he would find surprising, because I've talked to him about all of it in person.

 

That's not the issue. The issue is that you are still seeking validation and acceptance from an ex. Just because your partner accepts your behavior it doesn't mean that it is healthy and condusive to your current relationship.

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thistooshalll

I did answer the question. I said some people are good as only friends, and my ex fits into that category. I like him as a friend. If I'm completely honest with my fiance and he has no problem with it, then why is this even a discussion? Some relationships are polyamorous, some relationships are BDSM, some relationships allow "ex" friendships--as long as those couples are honest with each other and frequently check in each other (which I do, all the time) then I don't see a problem with it.

 

As for being consumed with the friendship, I understand the concern. I have moderate to severe social anxiety. I recently had a female friend ignore me and I had a very similar reaction/worry to what you see above, out of fear of losing the relationship. It's why I post a question about what most would deem a mild blip in a friendship--I've had friendships that just end for no reason, and I'm always worried that it can happen again, no matter who it is.

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I did answer the question. I said some people are good as only friends, and my ex fits into that category. I like him as a friend. If I'm completely honest with my fiance and he has no problem with it

 

Just because you're honest with your fiance and he accepts your behavior it doesn't mean it's healthy and condusive to your relationship. Friends is one thing but you're too consumed with receiving validation and acceptance from an ex.

 

As for being consumed with the friendship, I understand the concern. I have moderate to severe social anxiety. I recently had a female friend ignore me and I had a very similar reaction/worry to what you see above, out of fear of losing the relationship.

 

If you have social anxiety which makes you react this way, then work on the issue. You don't keep feeding the issue by chasing people for acceptance and validation. You don't keep using it as a reason to keep repeating your behavior.

 

He is an ex. Focus on your current relationship versus analyzing your "friendship" with an ex.

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thistooshalll

And the fact that you posted another thread about this in Second Chances is indicative that you are really not detached from your past.

 

 

I am sorry for cross posting Zahara. I didn't think anyone would respond. I'm new to this forum; I chose second chances because I thought this constituted a second chance at friendship, but looking over the posts I realized it is more of a romantic forum. I get anxious over friendships in general because of my SA and I just want to get one piece of advice that isn't "your motives are mixed up and you still have feelings for your ex." I love my fiance so much and I don't have feelings for my ex.

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I am sorry for cross posting Zahara. I didn't think anyone would respond. I'm new to this forum; I chose second chances because I thought this constituted a second chance at friendship, but looking over the posts I realized it is more of a romantic forum. I get anxious over friendships in general because of my SA and I just want to get one piece of advice that isn't "your motives are mixed up and you still have feelings for your ex." I love my fiance so much and I don't have feelings for my ex.

 

The posting on another forum is not the issue, the issue is you over-analyzing and being so affected by him. Saying you blew a second chance with your ex for a friendship?

 

If you react this way because of your SA, then work on managing and curbing your SA. You don't keep enabling and feeding your SA and using it as a reason to do what you do.

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Ex's are ex's for a very good reason. I personally don't believe they belong in the phone book, email on FB or any other form of communication. I'd not tolerate a partner let alone a fiancée having the levels of contact you've had with another guy more so another guy that's been intimate with you in the past. All of this to me at least the average man on the street, reeks of still having feelings for the ex. Why else keep him around? Ex's never make good "friends". Once beyond the friend boundary it's difficult if not near impossible to go back.

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You shouldn't be so worried. After all you're engaged.

What would your boyfriend think if he knows you're making a big deal over a guy who doesn't reply to your texts?

And what do you expect, honestly? He is engaged.

 

I find your post very weird. Try to concentrate on your own life and let the poor guy alone.

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This situation seems to be a good example of why you really should leave the past in the past. You have too much history to be friends with this guy. You clearly have some unresolved feelings.

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I would say that just because your fiance' is fine with the relationship doesn't mean that the ex's fiance' is. The way you describe the friendship sounds like a lot of relationships I have with female friends. We pop in and out with contact, catch up, and go back to our busy lives. There are no issues because that's all we expect. Your anxiety over the issue may be traced back to the social disorder for sure, but if that's the case, then you already have your answer. Have you just been honest and asked him what the deal is?

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