Mehhhx Posted July 21, 2014 Share Posted July 21, 2014 I am 5 days NC and have a bit of a problem, and feel I might have to break it... [or I don't and I am just worrying for nothing.] I never actually told him I was going NC. I just did it after talking to him and saying I was fed up with his indecisiveness and he'll realise sooner or later what he wants. [He said if so he would "definitely come back, no matter what". I said we'd see if he kept his word but I certainly wouldn't be waiting until then and logged off. Also, he wants me to still be in his life as friends. He messaged me Saturday asking how I was on FB. [i deactivated chat for him so it came up in my inbox, but I didn't click it so it hasn't been noted as 'seen'.] Then sunday morning he messages again asking if I'd had a good night out. Left it... Then midnight [odd, he's never up that late when he has work], I notice 2 new messages, with the last being "ffs". I can't click to see the message before as then it'll show I've read them so I've no idea what it says. I take it he's annoyed I'm ignoring him. Should I message saying I'm giving us both space to let the dust settle and give us the opportunity to clear our minds? I'm treating it as it being over - yet I realise letting us have space to reflect is also for the best if there's a chance for reconciliation in the future so it's a plus.] He has also asked numerous times for the time to think [meaning friendly chatter is okay but don't bring up the relationship as he "needs to arrive at his own conclusion", and said bringing it up pushes him further away. Understandable. Do I send one small message saying I'm giving us both space, or just leave it as regardless of whether it shows I've seen it or not he must know by now I'm ignoring it. I've seen posts here of people saying to reaffirm NC when they're doing it to stop unwanted messages. Link to post Share on other sites
erklat Posted July 21, 2014 Share Posted July 21, 2014 Just dissappear from the radar. I'm not a big fan of those dramatic NC messages. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Jason808 Posted July 21, 2014 Share Posted July 21, 2014 No, I personally think it's better if you don't tell them, because if you make an agreement not to talk they will know thats the reason you are not contacting them. Just don't tell them and let them make up their own reason, maybe they start to think that you are done with them and maybe they'll start to initiate contact and if they do, don't talk to them, not unless they want make it clear that they know they've made a mistake and they want you back. Only if they start talking every day and you have to ignore them every day (wich some people might find rude) then you can tell them you don't want contact (for a while). I broke NC twice and it backfired twice, so only if you are completely done with them I recommend telling them not to contact you ever again. NC literally drives people insane, I know I don't need to contact them but I find my strength from people on forums like this, they tell me I need to keep up the good work and that is exactly what you need to do now, keep up the good work! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mehhhx Posted July 21, 2014 Author Share Posted July 21, 2014 Thanks so much for the input. I've had conflicting advice with some saying to just let him know that's what I'm doing. Yes I am treating it like it's over - it's the best way. I will be brutally honest though that I would like to reconcile if there is a chance. Only time can answer that as he preached about space, so I decided to take it for my sanity as well. Surely he should realise it benefits him, too. Even after I told him A small part of me can't help but feel that he chose this, he doesn't need to know what I'm up to, and if I am honest, I feel rather than letting him know what's going on it gives him more food for thought. As said, he's more likely to think without being told what's going on as I honestly believe he could do with some reflecting of his own. I am curious to look at the other message but it seems to actually have seen it and not reply.. will just cause more of a fuss. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted July 21, 2014 Share Posted July 21, 2014 In your situation announcing NC will backfire. It's better to maintain radio silence & let them get the hint when you stop responding. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr.Pine Posted July 21, 2014 Share Posted July 21, 2014 Do I send one small message saying I'm giving us both space, or just leave it as regardless of whether it shows I've seen it or not he must know by now I'm ignoring it. Imagine this scenario... [RING! RING!] Him: "Hello?" You: "Hi. I'm calling you to let you know I will never call you again. Or text you again. Or email you again. Or smoke signal you again. Or anything again." Him: "Um, uh, ok." You: "Bye now!" Him: (As he is hanging up, muttering under his breath) "What a psycho!" 3 Link to post Share on other sites
irresolute Posted July 21, 2014 Share Posted July 21, 2014 I disagree with everyone who has advised you not to tell him. I believe a person deserves to know. Going no contact with someone who has had a relationship with you at least deserves an explanation. Put yourself on the other sjde. What would you think? Tell him not to contact you anymore. Tell him you both want different things and you're needing this time to clarify. But please explain to him why are you going this if you want him to respect you d value what you two have had. Link to post Share on other sites
Griesfootball Posted July 21, 2014 Share Posted July 21, 2014 It's better to have them be curious to why you stopped contacting instead of telling them and giving them a reason. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
irresolute Posted July 21, 2014 Share Posted July 21, 2014 It's better to have them be curious to why you stopped contacting instead of telling them and giving them a reason. Be curious? What for? Well yes, if you want to play games... Link to post Share on other sites
Griesfootball Posted July 21, 2014 Share Posted July 21, 2014 Be curious? What for? Well yes, if you want to play games... It's more challenging I think if you tell them because that's like a game in itself trying not contact them. It's easier to just do it unannounced. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mehhhx Posted July 21, 2014 Author Share Posted July 21, 2014 I disagree with everyone who has advised you not to tell him. I believe a person deserves to know. Going no contact with someone who has had a relationship with you at least deserves an explanation. Put yourself on the other sjde. What would you think? Tell him not to contact you anymore. Tell him you both want different things and you're needing this time to clarify. But please explain to him why are you going this if you want him to respect you d value what you two have had. I just worry this will lower any chance of a possible reconciliation if there is one. Even on the last day we spoke and I said all I mentioned in my first post, he still said "well all this talking about it constantly isn't persuading me." Like he doesn't know what he wants. Fair enough. He can go and decide what he wants now, experience life without me, reflect, etc. This NC is the best thing I can possibly do for both me, and the relationship. Maybe I just over-think, but I worry that by letting him know this he doesn't get that shock of experiencing life without me, which otherwise would have been the case if he hadn't said about staying friends. If I was to say anything should it be the same as others have said on this site such along the lines of 'no contact unless you decide you want to work on things?' Link to post Share on other sites
irresolute Posted July 21, 2014 Share Posted July 21, 2014 It's more challenging I think if you tell them because that's like a game in itself trying not contact them. It's easier to just do it unannounced. I don't agree. We are adults, mature people here. Everyone deserves to know, unless they are jerks or players. If you've had a meaningful relationship with someone, you deserve to know why the other person is not replying anymore. Put yourself on the other person shoes. What would you think? Wouldn't you believe you deserve a closure or an explanation? It's just rude not to explain. Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted July 21, 2014 Share Posted July 21, 2014 I personally say tell them that you're done with them, and that you'll accept no further contact from them. Pretty much that point blank, and with that much interaction required on your part. End it, make sure they know it's ended and a waste of time to try to reach out to you further, and then take measures to ensure that they can't contact you further. Then there's no questions on their side...they know that you're done...and then they see that you're done by not being able to reach you. If you just go NC without them knowing/understanding that...it gives them more reason to keep trying to reach out to you. Break it quick, clean, and clearly. Link to post Share on other sites
BC1980 Posted July 21, 2014 Share Posted July 21, 2014 In your situation, I wouldn't announce it. It sounds like you have had some back and forth with him being indecisive about a possible reconciliation in the future. This breakup didn't just happen yesterday, and, unless he's a complete moron, I'm sure he can figure out why you aren't contacting him. I don't feel like it's ever your job to announce why you won't be speaking to an ex again. I think it's pretty self explanatory and how these things usually work. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Jason808 Posted July 21, 2014 Share Posted July 21, 2014 I don't agree. We are adults, mature people here. Everyone deserves to know, unless they are jerks or players. If you've had a meaningful relationship with someone, you deserve to know why the other person is not replying anymore. Put yourself on the other person shoes. What would you think? Wouldn't you believe you deserve a closure or an explanation? It's just rude not to explain. If they want an explanation they can ask why. As long as they don't ask you, why should you bother to let them know? Link to post Share on other sites
BC1980 Posted July 21, 2014 Share Posted July 21, 2014 I don't agree. We are adults, mature people here. Everyone deserves to know, unless they are jerks or players. If you've had a meaningful relationship with someone, you deserve to know why the other person is not replying anymore. Put yourself on the other person shoes. What would you think? Wouldn't you believe you deserve a closure or an explanation? It's just rude not to explain. If I had dumped someone, I think it would be pretty evident why the person wasn't talking to me anymore. I don't think someone who has been dumped owes any explanation to the dumper because it's obvious why they wouldn't want to speak anymore. I also don't think I'm supposed to be giving the other person closure. In general, people who announce NC are playing games and trying to evoke a certain response from the other party. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Simon Phoenix Posted July 21, 2014 Share Posted July 21, 2014 I'd say no to telling him unless it gets to the point where they are harassing you to try to make you talk. It makes No Contact look like a plot, a hustle, a manipulative tactic instead of what it is -- a way to start recovering from the pain and getting you back. But no, a "I'm talking to you to tell you I'm not going to talk to you" message just looks like a ruse. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
mightycpa Posted July 21, 2014 Share Posted July 21, 2014 I don't think someone who has been dumped owes any explanation to the dumper True, but I didn't read that in the original post. It sounded like she wanted more, he was hesitating and she walked away without comment, and I get the sense that she wants him to come to his senses and realize what a catch she is. He may not even realize that she's not just mad at him, because it has only been 5 days. I'm with Irresolute. That's no good, and in fact, it can be very cruel. You owe this guy a clean breakup and your reasons. And tell the truth, don't try to let him down easy. I'm also going to throw in that unless your relationship was online, then you should tell him in person. End it with a lot of class. He'll remember you forever in a good way. Link to post Share on other sites
BC1980 Posted July 21, 2014 Share Posted July 21, 2014 True, but I didn't read that in the original post. It sounded like she wanted more, he was hesitating and she walked away without comment, and I get the sense that she wants him to come to his senses and realize what a catch she is. He may not even realize that she's not just mad at him, because it has only been 5 days. I'm with Irresolute. That's no good, and in fact, it can be very cruel. You owe this guy a clean breakup and your reasons. And tell the truth, don't try to let him down easy. I'm also going to throw in that unless your relationship was online, then you should tell him in person. End it with a lot of class. He'll remember you forever in a good way. I could be wrong, but I read it as she got dumped, but he was throwing breadcrumbs her way, acting like it might happen in the future. I thought he was trying to keep her around by offering friendship, but she wanted him back. If there was never a true breakup, then I agree that she should officially break up with him and not just cut him off with no explanation. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Social_Collision Posted July 21, 2014 Share Posted July 21, 2014 Yeah, keep the NC up. They'll make it known that they made a mistake if they truly want you to know they made a mistake and want you back. If you tell them you're going through NC with them, they'll look at it as, "oh, NC is for winning someone back, so they're intentionally trying to ignore me to win me back." So, that person will then turn the tables on you more than likely. and if you want to see your FB message without showing it was read; just pull your facebook email up and look for the email that has that message, majority of emails pull up the message in a discreet box only for that email site, so, it won't actually be read on facebook. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mehhhx Posted July 22, 2014 Author Share Posted July 22, 2014 Well guys, I ended up posting a quick message letting him know that he cannot expect to be friends with me when one party still has feelings, and that with the space we've already had, and with further time apart we can have reflection and see where [if anything] we can go from there. Whether as friends some point down the line, etc, or maybe more again I don't know. He decided to reply to that... saying that he appreciated my level-headedness and that with space he was already thinking more positively about us. I decided to just leave it there, as I have nothing more to say and what will be, will be. Thanks for all your input, though. Link to post Share on other sites
irresolute Posted July 23, 2014 Share Posted July 23, 2014 I'm glad you told him and everything is clear. Now you won't feel guilty for going no contact without telling him, that could probably had leaded to him trying to obtain some kind of answer from you. Now, stick to that and try to move on. for what I've read so far, he's not that into you, and that must hurt a lot. I'm really sorry you're hurting. Link to post Share on other sites
music_and_poetry Posted July 23, 2014 Share Posted July 23, 2014 I'm glad you told him and everything is clear. Now you won't feel guilty for going no contact without telling him, that could probably had leaded to him trying to obtain some kind of answer from you. Now, stick to that and try to move on. for what I've read so far, he's not that into you, and that must hurt a lot. I'm really sorry you're hurting. This is totally irrelevant but @irresolute you look exactly like one of my friends! You could be twins! Link to post Share on other sites
irresolute Posted July 23, 2014 Share Posted July 23, 2014 This is totally irrelevant but @irresolute you look exactly like one of my friends! You could be twins! Sorry it sounded irrelevant to you It's irrelevant to me your comment as well. Link to post Share on other sites
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