You before the break-up VS You AFTER the break-up

[music_and_poetry]

I thought this might be a cool little activity to put things into perspective for some people. Basically it's a growth comparison. We are comparing who you were before or shortly after your break-up VS the person you have become through NC, coping, etc.

 

Here's mine -

 

BEFORE: Attractive, fit, part-time music teacher, singer, flute player, friendly, outgoing, and kind.

 

AFTER: Still attractive! Getting fitter, part-time (soon to be full-time!) music teacher, lead singer of a local NJ rock band, beginner belly dance student, flute player, language learner, outgoing, friendly, kind, a champion of myself, a warrior who becomes a little stronger and more resilient each day.

 

Not too much is changed, but I still think the after person is looking way cooler than the before person!!!

[erklat]

Before : depressed, unemployed, difficult family situatio, panicked a lot,

a lot of negative energy around me, no path or vision of future.

 

After: mmuch more attractive, 20kg heavier, more tolerant, not spiteful toward my

parents any longer (even I don't communicate with father's side nor him any longer),

employed, I have a clear vision of future and perspective, I have hobbies, I travel a lot

and I even manage to inspire some people. Plus I adopted my beautiful Oskar the Alaskan Mal.

 

I lost her, but gained a lot of other good things. We will never speak with each other ever again,

but through the pain she caused me, she forced me to find my place under the sun. I am grateful for that.

[Tbisb74]

Before: Bullied, browbeaten, demoralised and insignificant.

After: Don't ask. Even perfect people can get snappy.

[JimmyWeezy]

Before: in love, full of hope and fear about the relationship and the future, in love and hate.

After: same. A bit lost and miserable in addition to the rest. Resentful. Astonished. Still can't believe he let me go. Still can't believe the things he said. Still hoping for a come back, which I can't picture what my reaction about it would be like. Blah blah blah

[guest569]

Interesting question. Let's see.. For me I wont say "before" as I didn't see the breakup coming. In he relationship I was happy, content, warm, healthy and complete. I should also add that the breakup was 6 months ago but I still vividly recall those awful feelings which followed.

 

Shortly after the breakup: dread, shocked, cold, empty, devastated, distraught, anxious, shaky, weak, sad, negative, lonely, depressed, suicidal, starved, self conscious, fragile, dead.

 

Now: depressed, sad, lonely, still missing him, getting fitter, gaining weight, building confidence, had 2 promotions, new job, don't think about ex every moment, still think of him daily, dating others to fill the void.

 

I think this was a great exercise, thanks! At times I feel the same as I did shortly after the breakup and as though I am not making any progress but this has made me realise that I am healing. Just very slowly.

[NoLeafClover]

Before- GSX-R 600

 

 

After- Yamaha R1

 

 

Either way.. she won't be enjoying any of my toys HAH

[LostConfused123]

Before:

in LOVE!!! giddy, hopeful, confident, energetic, enthusiastic, felt beautiful and so desired, hard working, peaceful, felt loved and protected, cherished, appreciated, all around AMAZING!

 

Right after breakup:

shaken to the core, devastated, no confidence, terrified, pathetic, foolish, lonely, absolutely crushed.

 

Now: feeling beautiful again (outside and in) sad at times but hopeful, a little lonely (but that's okay) confident again, happy at times, more at peace, and even have my moments of feeling all around AMAZING! I think I'm coming back

only this time a little stronger and a little wiser but I've found I still have my "softness; I think I'm gonna be okay <3

[Justaguy30]

Before: More in love than I had ever been in my life

After: Beat down, I don't feel like myself anymore. I gave everything I had to her and she just used it to hurt me and I am left feeling like my life has stopped. Ill get over this but it has been the most trying time in my life for sure.

[Allumere]

depends on which before.

 

After each after: Deep depression, anxiety attacks, loneliness...

 

Now: same as above but depression isn't as bad. Only difference is taking longer to heal (each time has added months) and I no longer have any interest in finding someone. As much as I really wanted to find someone and be married it isn't worth the risk. If it happens, fine, but I will no longer actively pursue.

[smuggy95]

Before: Nice. Made decisions by asking everyone else what they thought. Was happy and well loved, as long as I wanted what everyone else wanted.

 

 

During: Confused. Couldn't keep everyone happy, much less myself.

 

 

Now: More assertive, self-reliant, have true friends around me, have a motorcycle license, Hip hop dancing classes, waaay better dresser better taste in music ...

[True Gent]

Before: co dependant, anxious, un motivated, put her first, emotionally a little weak.

 

After: independent, more sociable, more energy and motivation, emotionally much stronger as an individual, more stylish, more money, anxiety is gone, put myself first for a change, physically fitter, occasional loneliness but not much.

 

 

 

Making this list has made me realise just how unhappy I was with her yet I was the dumpee...

 

I was frustrated and a shadow of myself with her. It wasn't always like that, but towards the end she was having a negative effect on me. Making that list is actually a bit of a shock!

[Natsu21]

New here. So let me start my list.

 

Me before the break-up: clingy, trapped, overly concerned about image, fun-sucking, close-minded, and did I mention CLINGY

 

Me after being dumped and cheated on: Still going through financial crisis but it doesn't bother me as much as it used to. But I'm more open, free-minded, funnier, adventurous, and likeable.

 

I'm more attractive to women than I was with my first girlfriend.

 

It's about attitude.

 

But the transition is painful. It's been a year since it all went down.

[elseaacych]

Before: Confused, frustrated, stressed

 

After: a little relieved at first, and then very depressed. Lost lots of weight. Couldn't focus on school. Lots of anxiety. Panic attacks. Didn't think much of myself.

 

Now: Better. Still stressed, (school mostly), but I've taken up a musical instrument. (UKULELE!) I like where I am working, and I wrote onto my school's law review. I have a plan for the next semester.

 

I was fairly comfortable in my own skin before the breakup, and I went through a period where I wasn't afterward. I am working on being a bit happier with my life and regaining control. I still have awhile to go, but I think I will be okay.

[music_and_poetry]

Now: Better. Still stressed, (school mostly), but I've taken up a musical instrument. (UKULELE!) I like where I am working, and I wrote onto my school's law review. I have a plan for the next semester.

 

I am also teaching myself ukulele! Hoping to be proficient by September! It's a fun little instrument!

[Eternal Sunshine]

Before: blonde, anxious, stressed, confused, neglecting my career, friends and family, constantly exhausted

 

After: brunette, thinner, fitter, calmer, better job, have a cat, more solid sense of self

 

I never want to become the before version of myself again

[music_and_poetry]

I find it interesting (and exciting!) that some of you guys decided to compare another stage which is a major part of this transition in our lives. Your place/feelings after the break-up. I think it's a great idea so I will add mine.

 

Shortly after the end- not really surprised since I was thinking of the same thing myself, sad, a bit hurt but more angry than anything. I did something during this stage that I never did in previous break-ups. I took several hours to respond to him. I waited until I had a clear understanding of my thoughts and feelings and I spoke honestly and didn't sugar coat anything. I told him I agreed that he wasn't ready but that I didn't appreciate him taking his sweet time to figure himself out and wasting my time in the process. I told him I lost some respect for him as a result of that. I also made it clear he didn't have to pretend to be my friend (we have a large group of mutual friends) and told him to take care. No going back from that! Ha! He sent me a fairly generic apology that didn't seem sincere. He even went as far as blaming me for getting too serious about things. I wasn't having it. I told him I was clear with him from the beginning about what I was looking for and that I didn't want to deal with bull****. It's funny I don't remember the rest of what I said but I closed the message saying that I really did care about him and wanted reciprocation and that didn't seem like a lot to ask. I also said I didn't know what but reciprocation seemed like a lot to him and it wasn't really my problem and that I could be treated better than how he was treating me. He never responded to that message and its been almost 1 month of NC since then. Some days I like to think my words were a punch to his ego (good!) and other days I think he just didn't give a crap. The beautiful part is I have no real information because I am in NC and am blissfully unaware of what is going through his head. Even though I was harsh, I don't regret speaking my mind. I really do feel in my gut that those were words he needed to hear one way or another. Selfish bastard

[Transplant]

Pre-breakup: I was in love, plain and simple. I had traveled around the world and had written my own story, breaking the mold of the small-town life I was born into.

 

Post-breakup (initially): I was a complete mess. I changed my life for this person and for our future. I wallowed and grieved.

 

Post-breakup (long-term): I moved to a new country and began work in international legality and business acquisition. I built a new life so independent of her, a life that perhaps she could never truly be a part of.

 

I made the mistake of letting her back in, as posted in my recent thread, and haven't heard from her since. She up and left without word and left me and my family in a tailspin, and her actions indirectly brought up issues in my parent's marriage that they have been quietly avoiding for a long time. I recently heard from my mum that, 'I don't know what to do with your father anymore' and 'he was never meant to get married'. It's been a bloody mess. There was a reason I left all this behind, and though I'm on vacation for the next month back home, it feels as though this is a sharp imprisonment. Back to square one with more baggage than existed before.

[JustSomeGuyHere]

Pre-Discovering (that she was on a dating site looking at lesbians) - Pretty happy and content in the relationship. Things weren't perfect, but I thought they would work themselves out. Perhaps getting a bit bored. Not much to talk about. No sex. But overall felt whole and complete. Still enjoyed her company and was happy to be together.

 

Post Discovery (that she was on a dating site looking at lesbians) - Crushed. In disbelief. It all made sense. Still crushed. Sad. In shock. Depressed. Scared.

 

Post Confrontation (that I knew she was on a dating site looking at lesbians) - Relieved to have confronted her. Happy that she still wanted to be together and work through things. Happy that she sort of had good explanations. Still sad realizing that there were going to be issues that never were going to go away. Confused. Optimistic/pessimistic.

 

Breakup - (her dumping me) In total disbelief and completely expecting it at the same time. Sad. Angry. Shocked. Shattered. Totally calm yet feeling like I was losing my mind. Uncertain how to act. SAD. Relieved in a weird way.

 

Post Breakup (last 6 weeks) All over the place. Slowly getting better. Trying new things. Think about her all the time. Want nothing more than to hear from here her. The LAST thing I want is to hear from her. Confused. Conflicted. Alternating happy/sad/indifferent. Worried about future. Feeling old. Worried I'll never find someone as good as her. Knowing I'll find someone better than her.

 

Taking care of myself in some ways (gym, trying new things, getting out more) but also drinking more, porn more, and spending too much time online.

 

Just basically all over the place. Emotions everywhere.

[sooshi]

Before: depressed, confused, disillusioned, feeling really alone, lethargic

After: at peace, content, optimistic, "me" again

[Haydn]

Before. (With my ex) Brow beaten. Made Guilt ridden. Worried. Weight loss. Blonde, blondish. Trainer-less. Sense of humour gone. All the mirrors were hidden.

 

 

Now. Vain. Pompous, charming, trainer-clad, mirror on ceiling. (Mousy brunette) Delightful Father, nice to my mum. Got taller and better at sex.

[nerdlingZA]

BEFORE - Didn't exercise, mindless, shy, cared a lot. AFTER - exercise a lot, treat women like crap.

[edgygirl]

Before (while with him): in the end he started to make me feel crappy, unloved, not cared for, insecure, paranoid, disconnected, "alone together", disillusioned. The opposite of our beginning when I felt great, cared for and hopeful.

 

After (2 months post breakup): Not there yet but on the way. I also really think that the way he started treating me is not related to me/who I am, it's related to his own issues, whatever they are. I wish I had broken up with him for real earlier in one of the times I tried but couldn't or he wouldn't let me. Why do we only believe in the huge red flags we saw AFTER?

Edited July 26, 2014 by edgygirl

[redbaron005]

After: at peace

 

Yay! How'd you manage this one?

[shoegal4]

BEFORE: working at a job that made me unhappy, 50 lbs overweight, no confidence, felt lost, only cared about my relationship and where it was going, constantly talked about my relationship and why it wasn't going anywhere, did not know how to talk to men or flirt, low self-esteem, outgoing, friendly but guarded.

 

DURING: miserable, feared being alone forever, not motivated, sad.

 

AFTER: quit the job that made me unhappy, enrolled in grad school, dropped over 30 lbs, attempted to get back into the dating scene (and did successfully twice), no longer talk about my ex or why it didn't go anywhere because I now know why, building my self-confidence and self-esteem, still outgoing and friendly but less guarded - I'll talk to anyone. The world is my oyster.

 

I guess the only thing I can say to my ex is THANKS! lol

 

@music, I love this post. Really puts it all in perspective! I will never be the before ever again

[music_and_poetry]

I guess the only thing I can say to my ex is THANKS! lol

 

@music, I love this post. Really puts it all in perspective! I will never be the before ever again

 

Awww I'm glad you like it. Perspective. That was my goal - sometimes it's what you need when you're going through a tough time!