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I can't give you what you need


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I met this guy I thought could have been the one.

 

Everything moved so seamlessly and the more I spent time with him, the more I was falling in love with him, and the best part was that he was feeling the same. I kept a lot of how I felt to myself as I am weary of people falling too quickly but he just went on about how he saw a future with me, said he didn't take saying that lightly and that he was in love with me. We both told each other we loved each other. We're not kids, we're like 30 lol.

 

He always said he lucky he was to have found me, how I am so amazing, and perfect, and this and that and so sweet to him and so many women are not... and I say the same things back to him, because he was someone of my dreams.

 

He broke up with me. He said he couldn't give me what I needed and that he is certain I can find someone who can give me what I need. He said it was better than us breaking up in 6 months and he can't give me the time to grow this relationship.. I was very upset, but I didn't really fight him because, my needs were not being met but I still care about him and hoped we could work something out... we hadn't seen each other for 3 weeks when he called me to break it off, he was swamped at work so I tried to be understanding, every day would text me... I said that he lead me on by saying all these things to me and building me up, my expectations. He said he meant it, and I asked him if he changed his mind. And he said, yes. Yes I made my decision. He said he needed space. He suffers from crippling anxiety, and from what I gather, extremely emotional, and sometimes makes comments stemming from low self esteem (i'm not a shrink, just my observations).

 

I sent him some emails, in my confusion, and he maintains that I am many wonderful things and that he knows I will find someone to suit my needs. That he was always honest with his feelings.

 

I really care for this man, and really was in love with him, is it possible that he thinks he can not make me happy and has preemptively broken it off? I found that "better than breaking up in 6 months" comment haunting. I wouldn't have ended it. He told me he really connected with me. Is it that easy to throw something away?

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I was very upset, but I didn't really fight him because, my needs were not being met but I still care about him and hoped we could work something out...

 

If your needs were already not being met in such a short relationship, how do you think things could have progressed?

 

I truly believe when someone tells you what you don't want to hear, especially when he says you should find someone that is more compatible to you, the fact that he is even willing to let you go and be with someone else is very telling.

 

I don't think it was easy to throw away. You're projecting your value of the relationship on him. I think that if someone isn't feeling the relationship anymore, it's not so much throwing it away but accepting that they can't quite invest in it anymore because it doesn't fulfill them anymore. It happens. Just because you see it's value, it doesn't mean he sees it the same way.

 

Yes, everyone connects when the relationship is new and is being driven on feel-good emotions. And when those feelings pass and the reality of commitment and effort is required to now drive it forward, it then becomes a different ballgame.

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I guess because the last conversation we had was about how he was committed to us being happy, that he was very happy with me and loves being with him. And i was growing with my frustrations with his inability to make, what I perceive to be, effort, in dating. I didn't start with crazy expectations, but he kept making suggestions of what he wanted to do, his great plans, and not following through, and it was upsetting.

 

He never said compatible. He just said needs.

He came on very strong.

I am upset because I believed him.

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I guess because the last conversation we had was about how he was committed to us being happy, that he was very happy with me and loves being with him. And i was growing with my frustrations with his inability to make, what I perceive to be, effort, in dating. I didn't start with crazy expectations, but he kept making suggestions of what he wanted to do, his great plans, and not following through, and it was upsetting.

 

He never said compatible. He just said needs.

He came on very strong.

I am upset because I believed him.

 

From my own experience, sometimes people say things in the moment. And sometimes people say things that they believe you want to hear. I know with my ex, he went from saying he wants to grow old with me and a week later it was over. I had to wonder if he wasn't actually feeling it but was in his own way saying those things to sort of brainwash himself into believing that maybe it could work.

 

If he can't fulfill your needs, then there is no compatibility. If he can only give ABC and you want ABCDEF, you both are not compatible in a relationship. You need to be with someone that can fulfill your wants and needs.

 

You believed him. He may have believed him too. But, it's good that he cut it off versus dragging you through the mud. Most either use you or dump you and keep you on a string.

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he probably likes u... but he likes the other woman more.... shes more of his style and that's why he cant give you what you need.

 

 

Hes a Douch'e

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wow lucky me.

lol.

 

he is a genuine man with a genuine heart.

 

I guess it is because after, I looked into his neurological disorder and it made sense to me why he acts so strange, and why it frustrated me to no end. I care about him a great deal, and he always maintained that he cared about me, and was sorry he is not showing me in the way I needed. Which is why I started talking to him about the 5 love languages, and from there he realized we are not compatible?

 

I could have changed my expectations after learning about his symptoms. I really thought he just didn't care. But now it is too late.

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"better than breaking up in 6 months"

 

"Better than in 6 months" to me means he was stringing you along. Some people, men or women, come up so strong that they swept you off your feet. Truth is, it doesn't last. After a while, they realize how attached you've grown of them, and decide to break it off "now, rather than in 6 months".

 

He might have commitment issues, who knows. Usually men with commitment issues come up strong that way in the beginning. However, no amount of love will make them change. They go from a relationship to another, breaking hearts, when they really have no business dating anybody.

 

When I say he was stringing you along, I am not saying he lied from day one. He probably thought this time would be different.

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"Better than in 6 months" to me means he was stringing you along. Some people, men or women, come up so strong that they swept you off your feet. Truth is, it doesn't last. After a while, they realize how attached you've grown of them, and decide to break it off "now, rather than in 6 months".

 

He might have commitment issues, who knows. Usually men with commitment issues come up strong that way in the beginning. However, no amount of love will make them change. They go from a relationship to another, breaking hearts, when they really have no business dating anybody.

 

When I say he was stringing you along, I am not saying he lied from day one. He probably thought this time would be different.

 

I have actually dated a commitment phobic man :laugh: it was so intense and crazy we moved in after 3 months of dating and fell apart like textbook. (well from the books I've read) and I needed therapy after! Because he was so crazy about me and then snapped! So I know to be weary.

 

This guy has Adult ADD. So, not a commitment problem, lol, but I am not shiny enough to maintain his interest I guess. Actually it was very interesting to read about it, and to experience 2 types of guys who tell me they love me pretty much right away, and both have brain issues. What's wrong with ME!?

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Which is why I started talking to him about the 5 love languages, and from there he realized we are not compatible?

 

If he could not deliver in any fashion, he cannot be in a relationship with you. A relationship requires effort, commitment and compromise and if he knows he cannot give that to you, then he just can't. You need to be with someone that can at least compromise on your needs and wants. He wasn't willing to do that and that should be a sign to you.

 

I could have changed my expectations after learning about his symptoms. I really thought he just didn't care. But now it is too late.

 

Really? You spoke to him about the 5 languages of love and he failed to comprehend. What else were you going to compromise in order for the relationship to work for HIM -- what about YOU? Even if it's a mental/emotional disorder, and you were going to be understanding and accept him for who he is and what he could offer, in the long run you would have been drained from the lack of him being able to fulfill your needs. In time, resentment would have set in.

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I have actually dated a commitment phobic man :laugh: it was so intense and crazy we moved in after 3 months of dating and fell apart like textbook. (well from the books I've read) and I needed therapy after! Because he was so crazy about me and then snapped! So I know to be weary.

 

This guy has Adult ADD. So, not a commitment problem, lol, but I am not shiny enough to maintain his interest I guess. Actually it was very interesting to read about it, and to experience 2 types of guys who tell me they love me pretty much right away, and both have brain issues. What's wrong with ME!?

 

I don't know about that.. I read a lot of posts blaming the break up on different kind of mental issues. Truth is, we all need a rational explanation as to why a relationship ended, so we blame the <insert mental health issue>.

 

People with mental health problems are capable of loving too. However, I rarely see it as the main reason for the break up. It's often just the cherry on the cake.

 

It might simply be that he got to know you better, and his feelings changed.

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you are absolutely correct!

 

I am just in this pool of self pity right now.

 

It is so hard to find someone with chemistry and compatibility of such a high percentage. Everything else, he was what I wanted... it is hard to let it go without seeing how it would play out. I think what I am dwelling on is the lack of time we spent together to see if we could be in a true relationship.

 

Thank you for your insight. :cool:

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loversquarrel

I would like to chime in with a possibility.... You hadn't seen him in three weeks, texted every day.... Any phone calls?? I smell a possible cheater. Such a whirlwind romance, telling you what you want to hear, then poof he's gone?? Something ain't right.

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Lol.

 

do a lot of people say their relationships fail because of mental health issues. I really think I have a legit claim.

 

The first guy was textbook. He ran away from an engagement, he moved countries. I fell for it because he said she wasn't the right on, I was. And he did say he couldn't commit, and he thought this time it would be different, and it wasn't his fault he fell in love with me. He said he should probably see a shrink but I don't know if he did.

 

Now this recent guy. I will preface this by saying, I am a really great, caring, sweet, loving person. I am genuine, honest, and considerate, and he knew that, he knows that. He actually did say he was diagnosed as a child and it went away, but I didn't look into it because, I didn't think I needed to. He is capable of loving, but in his way. He is also not capable of many things which I didn't understand, such as planning a date, he has terrible anxiety of doing the wrong thing, remembering things, following through on things he has promised, showing up late all the time is also a symptom, dreaming aloud, being distracted and looking disinterested, these all added to my feelings of his uncaring, even though he insisted he cared a lot.

 

Anyway - it was really interesting to read into it and speak with others in the same situation. We had dates at the same place, he would buy me the same flowers, text me the same time every day, I learned this is common, patterns are common.

 

Anyway. What he could not give me was time. Which is what I told him I needed. There are just things I want, as a normal couple, like waking up on the weekend and spending the day with him, but he just heads back to his office to work. Running a law firm, and starting your own business is a lot of work, during the busiest time of the year, we didn't see each other for 3 weeks because his law partner was out of the country. Advice from the ADD forums said that, he is successful in this area of his life, which is why he focuses on it so much...

 

Anyway, it's all very interesting.

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supportlove

i can totally feel your pain. At the same time, i agree with him. if he cannot give you what you want it's better to break up sooner than later.

 

i've just been through the similar situation as yours. everything went perfectly in the beginning. He is cute, has a lot of great characters, and successful. He dropped love word after 3 month. I thought he could be the one. after 7 months, during a random conversation, he said he cannot go anywhere more serious than what we have right now. He was not happy lately because he cannot give what i want - marriage, child, moving in. We broke up after this conversation. He said he loved me and he would regret this later. At the same time, he felt relief and it was a right thing for him to do to tell me the truth.

 

I understand the struggle you've been through. It is hard to let all the feeling just go like that. However, I guess what we should do is stick on our ground and not settle with a man who cannot give what we want. no matter how wonderful he is. The pain will pass. and we will find the right person eventually.

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i can totally feel your pain. At the same time, i agree with him. if he cannot give you what you want it's better to break up sooner than later.

 

i've just been through the similar situation as yours. everything went perfectly in the beginning. He is cute, has a lot of great characters, and successful. He dropped love word after 3 month. I thought he could be the one. after 7 months, during a random conversation, he said he cannot go anywhere more serious than what we have right now. He was not happy lately because he cannot give what i want - marriage, child, moving in. We broke up after this conversation. He said he loved me and he would regret this later. At the same time, he felt relief and it was a right thing for him to do to tell me the truth.

 

I understand the struggle you've been through. It is hard to let all the feeling just go like that. However, I guess what we should do is stick on our ground and not settle with a man who cannot give what we want. no matter how wonderful he is. The pain will pass. and we will find the right person eventually.

 

I am so happy that you can empathize.

I thought that if two people do like or love or have deep feelings for each other, there could at least be a compromise, or an effort to try. I think the feelings are hurt because, he came to the decision on his own. I guess you would not have negotiated, because what you want, is what you want, a partner and a family.

 

It is really hard when there is genuine care for each other, but, it will not go further, or the current circumstance does not allow for it to go further, lest one person sacrifices their wants. It is hard to accept. But I agree it is better to find someone to give me everything I need, than to settle. I suppose we are lucky to not have more time wasted. My guy kept saying, I will find someone to give me what I need... I really wanted him to be able to try, but it is not in him to give me that.

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supportlove

i agree and i'm glad to read your response.

 

it was actually my inner thought as well. can the guy just make a compromise? or can we discuss it and let me change his mind. well, i guess one thing is the connections/ love is not that deep for a guy like that to make such a big compromise (full time and energy for work in your guy's case i assume). The same thing as i won't make a compromise on waiting for a guy that is not ready for marriage and kids. Moreover, I believe guys are sensitive in a way. They know what their partner want. They know what they can offer at this stage of their life. Guys are just stubborn as hell.

 

i still prefer staying positive on this. those guys didn't mean to hurt us at the first place and love is true. if your guy needs space, give him space. he might come back one day. trust his decision for now. that is a part of love too.

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travelbug1996

He has a psych disorder, was not meeting your needs, broke up with you and you still want him?? You may want to look at why you're so moved by words and no ACTIONS.

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I broke up with a lovely woman 3 months ago. I cared about her a lot, was attracted to her but after six months didnt feel as strongly as I felt I should at that stage. We didnt argue, there. werent really any issues, just for whatever reason I couldnt give her 100%. I had persisted thinking things would change and I knew she was a great girl and good catch.

 

Truth is I was conning myself and her and wasting both our time. The break up wasnt easy at all, it was one of the hardest things I have done as I cared about her a lot. But I had doubts and I had to stay true to myself and also her (in terms of not wasting her time and allowing us both to move on to people we are more conpatible with).

 

From what you have written this guy has been as straight as he can be and also decent about it. It probably wasnt easy breaking up with you.

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Many dumpers will say they can't give you what you need because it alleviates guilt in a way. Bottom line, he does not want to continue the relationship. Zahara is right about people saying things in the moment. My ex said I was the best thing that ever happened to him and broke it off within a week. I can give you countless examples of things he said that later meant nothing. The fact is that feelings change. People get divorced, and most of them started the marriage thinking it would be forever.

 

If I've learned anything, you need to look a lot more at actions to back up words. My ex talked so much about us being together forever that it's truly incredible when I think back on it. But his actions were only there about 50 percent of the time.

 

By the way, he also threw me the "I can't give you what you need" line. Also said I deserved more and was setting me free to find it. Most of that is about getting guilt off his chest, not me so much. Do you think he would have set me free if he had really wanted to be with me? I don't think so.

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supportlove
I broke up with a lovely woman 3 months ago. I cared about her a lot, was attracted to her but after six months didnt feel as strongly as I felt I should at that stage. We didnt argue, there. werent really any issues, just for whatever reason I couldnt give her 100%. I had persisted thinking things would change and I knew she was a great girl and good catch.

 

Truth is I was conning myself and her and wasting both our time. The break up wasnt easy at all, it was one of the hardest things I have done as I cared about her a lot. But I had doubts and I had to stay true to myself and also her (in terms of not wasting her time and allowing us both to move on to people we are more conpatible with).

 

From what you have written this guy has been as straight as he can be and also decent about it. It probably wasnt easy breaking up with you.

 

did you guys talk after your break up? did you guys move on?

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loversquarrel

So the guy has a psych disorder and that's the reason he can't commit??? I have never heard of such a crock. Maybe your ego is getting in the way and wanting to believe it was some other reason other than the simple fact he just didn't want to be with you.

 

I am diagnosed with ADHD and OCD. Neither of these disorders cause me to not want to be in a relationship nor do they effect my level of care for the one I love. Sure there are anxieties and patterns but barring EXTREME cases of OCD they can be dealt with. Both are very common disorders.

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We stayed civil didnt argue following it, its been 2 months no contact now, which is for the best for the time being, Im sure in time we can be civil and reconnect.

 

I felt terrible doing the breaking up, yes I did feel guilty for hurting someone I cared about and respected. Id thought about it for a month prior but wanted to give it some time until I was sure, until I realised I was hurting her more by staying as I wasnt 100% into it, not trying to defend dumpers at all, just that they often care a lot too.

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BrokenHeartAndWings
I met this guy I thought could have been the one.

 

Everything moved so seamlessly and the more I spent time with him, the more I was falling in love with him, and the best part was that he was feeling the same. I kept a lot of how I felt to myself as I am weary of people falling too quickly but he just went on about how he saw a future with me, said he didn't take saying that lightly and that he was in love with me. We both told each other we loved each other. We're not kids, we're like 30 lol.

 

He always said he lucky he was to have found me, how I am so amazing, and perfect, and this and that and so sweet to him and so many women are not... and I say the same things back to him, because he was someone of my dreams.

 

He broke up with me. He said he couldn't give me what I needed and that he is certain I can find someone who can give me what I need. He said it was better than us breaking up in 6 months and he can't give me the time to grow this relationship.. I was very upset, but I didn't really fight him because, my needs were not being met but I still care about him and hoped we could work something out... we hadn't seen each other for 3 weeks when he called me to break it off, he was swamped at work so I tried to be understanding, every day would text me... I said that he lead me on by saying all these things to me and building me up, my expectations. He said he meant it, and I asked him if he changed his mind. And he said, yes. Yes I made my decision. He said he needed space. He suffers from crippling anxiety, and from what I gather, extremely emotional, and sometimes makes comments stemming from low self esteem (i'm not a shrink, just my observations).

 

I sent him some emails, in my confusion, and he maintains that I am many wonderful things and that he knows I will find someone to suit my needs. That he was always honest with his feelings.

 

I really care for this man, and really was in love with him, is it possible that he thinks he can not make me happy and has preemptively broken it off? I found that "better than breaking up in 6 months" comment haunting. I wouldn't have ended it. He told me he really connected with me. Is it that easy to throw something away?

 

Oh please. It's not that he can't give you what you need, he DOESNT WANT TO give you what you need. I've heard so many men use this line on friends, then they turn around and BOOM meet some other girl and give her the world. That is the lamest excuse and it's so over used, as is needing space. Any guy who genuinely loved you would put your needs first, that is what a real man does, he would want to be with you, and find a way to make you happy. He's putting his needs first. Don't make excuses that he has mental issues. I've seen broke, homeless, sick people fall in love, get married, and find a way to make it work.

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todreaminblue

i do think and feel its better to be honest early with how you feel in a relationship as in far as keeping it going it si imperative that both parties are having their needs met and expectations are mutual for longevity...i am sorry you got hurt...it is better to get hurt early rather than later.....more investment equals more loss....deb

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