do you care WHY you were dumped??

[Ordinaryday]

I have had a few dumpers over the years offer to tell me WHY they chose to dump me and the first time I said yes and she gave me a bunch of meaningless cliches like "it's not you, it's me" "I love you Im just not in love with you" "lets stay friends" (needless to say I never heard from her again) and so on.

 

after that I decided it is irrelevant. whenever a dumper starts telling me WHY she is dumping me I just say "I dont want to hear it" and terminate the conversation by leaving or hanging up or whatever....

 

My reasoning is that the WHY is irrelevant, because it doesnt change the outcome.

 

some people say "but it might give you tips for your next relationship" and my response is "Im not going to be getting tips on relationships from a woman who is dumping me thank you" but I see it on this board a little bit -

 

people writing things like "I want to know WHY she did it. can I ring her to find out why" and so on...

 

that is your choice, you are allowed to do it. but to me it is irrelevant and any dumper who tried to tell me why has just been shushed.

 

so do you care WHY they are dumping you? provided that THEY WONT CHANGE THEIR MIND is the 'why' relevant to you?

[elseaacych]

Even if they offer an excuse, it's probably not the real reason.

[mightycpa]

I'll take that question.

 

I was dumped by somebody who didn't tell me why. Because I didn't know, I spent all my time wondering what had happened. I got stuck there, going around and around, and questioning everything I ever did or she ever did. Maybe "WHY" would have allowed me to get angry or to have some other emotion than sadness and bewilderment. I still wouldn't have liked it, but I think I would have had something to focus on. I think it would have helped me.

 

In end, you're right. WHY doesn't really matter. But "I'm not in love with you" is a pretty powerful reason and you can't escape it. And if the answer is "Sally said you cheated on me with Suzie", well then, you have something you can discuss, regardless of whether you did or not.

 

Of course the next question is WHY aren't you in love with me? But pretty soon you realize that you don't know WHY you love somebody. You know why you like them, but not why you love them. There are no good reasons for falling in love, but there are usually good reasons for falling out of love.

 

I always wanted to know. If I ever need to know again, I'm going to get her to put it on a video on my phone so that I can listen to it over and over again until I get it through my thick heart. :-D

[Ordinaryday]

Even if they offer an excuse, it's probably not the real reason.

 

once a dumper was being nasty and started telling me why they were dumping me - "lack of ambition, inability to improve yourself, etc" (which I dont agree with, we just had different ideas about what 'ambition' and 'improving' was) and I just walked out on her in the conversation.

 

I didnt need to hear that.

 

and another dumper gave me all the cliches in the book "Im just not ready for a relationship right now" (I found out she was lying, she hooked up with another guy straight after she dumped me) so I dont need to hear that either.

[Ordinaryday]

I'll take that question.

 

I was dumped by somebody who didn't tell me why. Because I didn't know, I spent all my time wondering what had happened. I got stuck there, going around and around, and questioning everything I ever did or she ever did. Maybe "WHY" would have allowed me to get angry or to have some other emotion than sadness and bewilderment. I still wouldn't have liked it, but I think I would have had something to focus on. I think it would have helped me.

 

In end, you're right. WHY doesn't really matter. But "I'm not in love with you" is a pretty powerful reason and you can't escape it. And if the answer is "Sally said you cheated on me with Suzie", well then, you have something you can discuss, regardless of whether you did or not.

 

Of course the next question is WHY aren't you in love with me? But pretty soon you realize that you don't know WHY you love somebody. You know why you like them, but not why you love them. There are no good reasons for falling in love, but there are usually good reasons for falling out of love.

 

I always wanted to know. If I ever need to know again, I'm going to get her to put it on a video on my phone so that I can listen to it over and over again until I get it through my thick heart. :-D

 

if the WHY is something they are prepared to discuss with you and talk with you and see if you can come up with a solution so they will stay with you then by all means I would want to hear them out.

 

if the WHY is something they refuse to budge on and are firm on then hearing them out is just wasting my time.

[Simon Phoenix]

Nope, don't care. For the most part I can figure it out on my own if I so choose.

[mightycpa]

I'd have definitely wanted to hear those nasty things. I might have agreed, and sucked it up, or I might have disagreed, and it would pi$$ me off. I can't imagine that hearing that didn't help you get over the girl more quickly!

 

As to the other "lame" excuses, you're right, but that's not hearing WHY. That's just hearing BS. I actually have a pre-prepared speech for that. I've only had to use it once, but when I got through it, we got down to brass tacks. She wanted to date another guy. I understood that completely, and it hurt in the short term, and helped in the long term.

 

Maybe you need to write a short, persuasive speech should you ever encounter that nonsense again. Worked for me!

 

Good question though! I like the topic. Not so "Ordinary" after all!

[sugarlove]

Yes, but now WHY. I just want to know how long he's been feeling this way, if there's a way we can work it out, if we will still be friends.

 

Sometimes, there's no WHY. And if there is, I am not interested, their feelings change so it's nothing to do with me as mine didn't.

[elseaacych]

I'd have definitely wanted to hear those nasty things. I might have agreed, and sucked it up, or I might have disagreed, and it would pi$$ me off. I can't imagine that hearing that didn't help you get over the girl more quickly!

 

As to the other "lame" excuses, you're right, but that's not hearing WHY. That's just hearing BS. I actually have a pre-prepared speech for that. I've only had to use it once, but when I got through it, we got down to brass tacks. She wanted to date another guy. I understood that completely, and it hurt in the short term, and helped in the long term.

 

Maybe you need to write a short, persuasive speech should you ever encounter that nonsense again. Worked for me!

 

Good question though! I like the topic. Not so "Ordinary" after all!

 

What was your speech?

[mightycpa]

[Pet Name], I'm trying to wrap my head around this. I really do want to understand. By telling me stuff like [insert lame excuse here], you are being cruel to me. I don't think you mean to be cruel. I think you're trying not to hurt my feelings. It's too late. My feelings are hurt. There's no way around it. But don't make it worse.

 

You and I loved each other. Maybe that's not the case anymore. If you want to see somebody new, I deserve to know. If you cheated on me, I deserve to know. Maybe you just fell out of love with me, and you don't even know why. I still deserve to know. It will help me if you just tell me what's really going on with you. If you don't, I'll go crazy trying to figure it out, and I'll probably bother you about it until you tell me, or until I find out from your friends. So let's just get it out in the open. You must have been thinking about this for a while. I'm not your enemy now, you don't need to lie to me, or hide things from me. I want to look back on our time and smile and be glad that I spent it with you. I don't want to think badly of you. I know this is hard. It is hard for me too. Don't make it harder.

 

So, what's really going on with you? Why do you really want to break up?

 

 

It's been a while, but it was pretty close to that, not exactly, but that was the general outline. I designed that speech after the one who didn't give me a reason dumped me, and I figured out why it took so long to get over her. Appeal to their better nature and make them comfortable. Get the truth, because it is important to hear it.

 

the answer went something like this:

 

Ok. I met this guy and he asked me out, and I want to go out with him. I said yes, but I haven't gone out with him yet. I'm really sorry, but that's how I feel... etc. etc.

 

Maybe this approach works on women better than men. I don't know, I don't date men. But if I heard that speech, I'd answer honestly.

[WhiskeyJack]

I've always needed to know the why. Not just the why, but every detail that goes with it. I'm not sure exactly why I felt I needed all these answers cause I never got proper reasons anyways. Just lame excuse after lame excuse.

 

So now my mind set is if they want to leave then I know their heart wasn't in it, and I don't want to be with someone like that. The why is completely irrelevant now.

[freebird31]

I don't really care about the why. I could probably figure it out on my own. I definitely care mote about the HOW and how they handle the breakup after though. Respect is a biggie for me. Just be respectful of my feelings and my space, and I'll do the same. Breadcrumbs are totally rude and def disrespectful I feel.

[H245]

I absolutely cared why I was dumped when she left me 2 months ago. But the reasons I got led to more questions in my head which, in turn, led to me making up potential scenarios as to what the REAL reasons were. Eventually I got so far down the rabbit hole, I literally lost myself.

 

Now 2 months later, I really don't care for her reasons why. And I hope the experience I had with her will lead me to never care why I get dumped again. Why wouldn't I care? Because I finally realize that I will always do everything I can to be the best boyfriend out there and no one can ever take that away from me.

 

~H

[David87]

It doesnt matter if i know why. First time I found out why, the second time i didnt( I could if I wanted to but it didn't matter anymore)

[todreaminblue]

i always give a reason and have always been given a reason......and i move on regardless of the reason why i was dumped.....it doesnt really make a difference ......knowing or not knowing its the same outcome....deb

[David87]

i always give a reason and have always been given a reason......and i move on regardless of the reason why i was dumped.....it doesnt really make a difference ......knowing or not knowing its the same outcome....deb

 

Well its not always possible. For example: I hate your character and you annoy me....

[Ordinaryday]

Well its not always possible. For example: I hate your character and you annoy me....

 

lol, well that pretty much gets covered in a lot of the cliched breakup lines like "Im just not ready for a relationship right now" "Its not you it's me" and "I love you Im just not in love with you" which I suspect are often just code for saying what you said!

[guest569]

I wish I could NOT care about WHY. I really do! In short relationships or dating, i usually dont care.

 

But being madly in love with someone and in a great long term relationship that suddenly ends.. I HAVE to know. But also I am probably only interested in the WHY if it follows with a HOW are we going to fix things? I dont just want to be attacked and criticised. This has happened, i was crticised 6 months ago about not being ambitious enough or passionate enough, being too shy, and his words have really damaged me. Even if the dumper does not tell me WHY, I will agonize over it and give myself answers. I have enough insecurities that I can come up with many reasons why I have been dumped or why he doesn't love me. And i think this is probably just as damaging if not more, as pressing for feedback from the dumper.

 

Oh and after a short term relationship where I couldn't care less, it bugs me when the dumper actually starts giving you dating advice. How insulting.. I did not want to know. That just makes me angry..

[Raena]

I've always been a "why, why, why" kind of person, so yeah I do want to know why.

 

My issue with this most recently wasn't "why are you breaking up with me"

 

It was more like... Why did you cheat instead of telling me you wanted out of the relationship? Why did you ask me to marry you while you were cheating on me? Why did you lie to me when I asked you countless times if you were happy and if there was anything we needed to do to make our relationship better? Why tell me that you were happy when you weren't?

 

Of course all of those "you's" above are directed at my most recent ex.

 

Past relationships... I've only had one guy tell me why he was breaking up with me and it was something I couldn't change so I couldn't understand why he felt the need to tell me about it. If it's something I can't do anything about then why make me feel bad about it? In that instance I would have much rather heard "it's not you, it's me" or "ILYBINILWY". It would have been easier to swallow than what he actually told me.

 

The reality is though.... it doesn't matter why. The answer to that is relative to that particular person in that particular time and more than likely will have no bearing on future relationships. Not in my experience anyway.

[dumbass2]

I'll hopefully never care again if it should happen to me. This is what my ex told me.

 

 

• I feel guilty I'm wasting your time. You should be taking someone else to the basketball games.
  

 

• I wish I could help you find someone.
  

 

• I wish I could pay you back for all the time.
  

 

• If you were more of a jerk, this might have worked.
  

 

Next time I see her to get my cloths.

 

She is holding my hands and reminiscing. Then asks if I'm seeing someone. Asks if I've seen this movie we were going to see. Asks if I've been to this sports bar lately that I go to with my best friend once in a while. This is 5 days after the break up. Then she goes on to text and stay in contact with me over the next month. Now I realize she was just doing it for herself and did not care about me.

[irresolute]

The reason doesn't matter. At all.

If you're leaving me I could not care less why.

[music_and_poetry]

once a dumper was being nasty and started telling me why they were dumping me - "lack of ambition, inability to improve yourself, etc" (which I dont agree with, we just had different ideas about what 'ambition' and 'improving' was) and I just walked out on her in the conversation.

 

I didnt need to hear that.

 

and another dumper gave me all the cliches in the book "Im just not ready for a relationship right now" (I found out she was lying, she hooked up with another guy straight after she dumped me) so I dont need to hear that either.

 

Lol this reminds me, my first love dumped me and told me that it was because I was the root of all evil and his inner demons were going to devour me.

 

Ummm yeah dude about those inner demons of yours...

[Dork Vader]

I'd like to know why for one reason..

 

 

I want to know if I made mistakes that I can change in the future. But depending on the break up that can be hard to determine.

 

 

Some of the time their reason for dumping you is not really accurate.

[Lostdreams]

Yes I'm with Smiley on this one for short relationships - not really bothered

 

For long meaningful relationships I absolutely need to know why or explain why - mainly to give/ receive an explanation to process what happened - avoid the same errors - when dumped it helped me to move on instead of pondering things over forever in my head

 

Understand the reasons, try and accept the reasons - but I don't necessarily have to agree with them and it doesn't mean I would change myself 180°

[imkeysersoze]

I'm on the fence. I want the general reason(s) that things ended, but not a huge fan of specifics. I also think the length of time is a huge factor in the details required.

 

My last gf left my house on a Saturday and things seemed great, and then basically cut off almost all communication with me over the next week. By the end of the week, I basically had the feeling that she was ending things, but that wasn't sufficient. I wanted to know at least a general reason as to what was going on, particularly because there wasn't much warning. It was like things went from great to over without any time in between.

 

She finally had the decency to tell me what was going on; turns out, she was still in love with her ex, and "didn't think it was fair" to me anymore. I had known she harbored feelings for him still, but thought she was moving on. In that sense, I got the closure of knowing things WERE over, and that it had to do with her going back to her ex...but I didn't want nor need the specifics. How long had it happened? What had they done together already? When was the final breaking point? This was all extra details I didn't need to know, that didn't matter, and if anything, they would probably just have hurt me worse.

 

In the end, it came down to one simple question to her, the last time we were in person. "So this is what you really want to do?" I knew what happened, I knew she was dead set on her decision, and that was all I needed to know it was time to walk away. Granted, part of the reason it was so short was that it was 4 months together. If it had just been a few weeks/few dates, I wouldn't have cared for any reason. If it had been a 2 year relationship, I would have expected a good bit more details on "what went wrong" between us. So yea, I guess it comes down to giving enough details to be in proportion with both what you can mentally handle, and in proportion to your time/emotion invested in the relationship.

Edited July 31, 2014 by imkeysersoze