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Complicated Situation. Help!


HopelessRomanticGuy

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HopelessRomanticGuy

Hi Everyone,

 

The title was supposed to say

Complicated Situation. Please give me Advice!!

 

 

I was recently dumped by a girl I dated for about 4 months. She was getting over an engagement that went south when I met her. We were a LDR (about 3hrs apart) and met online. We became amazing friends at first and after spending several weekends together, I fell hard for her. At first she remained guarded and thought we should continue dating locally. I was single for quite a while before I met her and wasn't having any luck meeting local woman I cared to date. I'm very picky, and I don't give my heart away unless I'm sure there is something really special. She eventually fell in love. She told me at the beginning of our relationship "I didn't realize how much I was missing in my last relationship until I met you". I treated her really well. I kept things fresh and loved surprising her with little things. The sex was off the charts and the passion/romance was amazing. We never once fought. However, there were two big problems. 1. Our lives were heading down different paths that could have made it hard to be in the same place. 2. She has a lot of men in her life including several ex's.

 

To make a long story short, she put me in a situation that no one would be comfortable with and I lost it. I never yelled at her, but my insecurity caused me to question her (it wasn't the first time, but it was definitely the worst) and she decided it was to much pressure for her right now. Before we broke up she was considering moving to my city. She had planned to move away from her city after the summer regardless.

 

I'm very torn on this. On one hand I love her very much (she is very dear to me) and would love to give it another go, but on the other, I think she was right from the beginning, we should not have moved past FWB. We both still care for each other and talk occasionally via text, but I think she is moving on faster than I am. After all, beautiful women always have someone waiting to swoop in don't they?

 

I am so lost about what to do. Any advice is much appreciated!! I know I need to take time to heal but I am scared of losing her. We were best friends and amazing lovers. This really sucks.

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Philosoraptor

Well she was getting over an engagement that went south... sadly that normally equals a rebound. Hopefully she heals up before she brings anyone else into her life.

 

You need to focus on yourself right now and fill your life with other things that make you happy.

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You were her rebound.

 

Also mention that your lives were headed down different paths. That obstacle alone may have kept you apart even if this untenable situation she put you in did not arise. Out of curiosity, what did she do?

 

Having men in her life including EXs seems to be a deal breaker for you. If they have been in her life for a while it is unlikely that she would have chosen you over them if it meant abandoning long time friends.

 

Overall it seems to me that this was one of those things that should be chalked up to fun while it lasted but then put behind you.

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Yeah, sounds like you were a rebound. If you don't mind me asking, what situation did she put you in to make you lose it in the first place?

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HopelessRomanticGuy

Thanks for the replies. I don't want to get into the situation because it is too specific for public viewing. I know I need to let go but it's hard because I care for her deeply as a person, not just a lover. We were great friends and I don't have a ton of friends these days which makes it harder. I just don't have the time or patience for acquaintances anymore. I'm in my late thirties and I don't care to waste time with relationships that are superficial.

 

Dating, and finding someone truly special gets harder and harder with age. I won't settle for someone who isn't my best friend. Relationships are hard enough, and feeling comfortable talking about anything is important to me in a significant other. This girl and I had that. I know I made her feel very special and although I started as the rebound guy, I truly believe (without trying to deceive myself) that it turned into more than that. I guess time will tell. In the meantime I need to focus on myself.

 

What is it about us humans that we can't seem to live with or without an intimate relationship? It's very frustrating. And the older we get the more we want it. :(

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It sounds like a rebound situation which is an incredibly unfair situation to put you in. I am so sorry she put you through this. You have for to try and focus on you right now. Do not contact her if that is possible. You sound like a really good guy and someone amazing will come to when the time is right. You also really never know, she might realize her mistake and come crawling back. If not you would have become an even better person by working on yourself and what makes you fantastic. If it's meant to be, it will.

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HopelessRomanticGuy

 

Thank you for the very kind words! I really did treat her with so much kindness, love, and respect, and we had a ton of fun together! I'm trying to be patient and work on myself but it's so hard when you're in love with someone. I hope and pray you are right about her possibly realizing her mistake and coming back to me but, I know I can't sit around waiting. She has reached out to me a few times since we BU. I can tell that she is fighting to not give in or lead me on which is nice, but I hope someday she sends me those three words everyone wants to hear from an ex they love "I miss you".

 

Her and I have so much potential to be amazing. She has issues and I have issues. The problem is, I don't think she is aware of her's, or if she is, she doesn't want to face them. She is in her late twenties and I am in my late 30's so I'm trying to cut her some slack. She is going through the awkward phase of life that everyone goes through in their late twenties. Trying to figure everything out. Thank you again for the kind words. When you are in the dumps over someone it's always nice to get a compliment!

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Hey hopeless....

 

I just want to reach out to you because I just broke up with the guy I've been seeing for about 4 months and I'm heart broken. I just don't see how I can fix it and so I think I know how your feeling right now.

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todreaminblue

hey hopeless, if she put you in a situation that made you lose it if she truly cared she wouldn't have put you in that situation......with or without several exes in the picture you should have been a priority...number one

 

i am sorry it didnt work out for you...i dont know if there is actually much for you to do ....i just know that the situation you hinted at that broke you up will possibly just happen again..so maybe this is the way you can find someone who truly cares for you.i wish you the best ...deb

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HopelessRomanticGuy

Deb

 

 

Thank you for your comment. I agree with you. The truth is often a hard pill to swallow. She didn't go out of her way to make sure I was ok in a tough situation. She was being selfish, and possibly self sabotaging the relationship because she was unsure about being able to handle a LDR. I should not have pushed for a serious relationship. She has issues with being alone and I think she needs to figure that out, but instead of facing her issues I think it is easier for her to ignore them in the arms of other men. It breaks my heart because she is a good person who just doesn't know how to deal with her self-esteem and loneliness.

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HopelessRomanticGuy

Just to be clear, I do not know if she ever cheated on me. I only suspect she may have. She was open with me about her past at the beginning. It's not a pretty past, but I respected her for being honest and open with me about it. I figured, why would she tell me her past if she wasn't confident she had changed?

 

Her first boyfriend took her into the world of "open relationships" and I believe it destroyed her self-value and distorted her view of what real love is. That's heartbreaking.

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HopelessRomanticGuy

I really wish I would have been strong and just been her friend. She really needs someone in her life that is good and understands true love. Almost all of her friends are guys and most of them aren't good guys. She was the most beautiful woman I have ever met. She's not model material by any means, she is 5ft tall. But she is the cutest thing I've ever seen. Her smile melts my heart. I know I'm a fool for loving her, but I care about her deeply. I know she has the potential to be a great person, and that potential hooked me and I can't seem to unhook it. I was hopeful she had changed but I was wrong. She has so much growing to do before she truly realizes her mistakes and faces them like a woman, not a little girl who runs from her problems. I can relate to that. I was a boy not long ago who ran from my problems. It took me a long time to realize that running from my problems was only keeping me from becoming the person I want to be.

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I was in a very similar situation not long ago. I'm in my late 20's and every girl I have encountered, that was my age or younger, had the same types of issues going on as you described. Hanging out with men who really mean them no good, are bad influences on them, etc. I even tried maintaining contact and being there for this one girl in particular, but she has since done the slow fade. This is something you might need to expect given your situation. Don't wait for her, just let her know that you are there for her (as a friend- which is the hardest part, I know!) when she needs you-this doesn't mean be her doormat or weeping willow either.

 

I would maintain limited contact with her (when you are ready), with the thought that there would be no future romantic relationship. I definitely understand how you feel though...when there is a connection with someone and the carpet is pulled from under you. It stings a lot!

 

Much respect to you for being the man that you are! Some women may not believe it, but guys who actually care are still out there. Best of luck bro!

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HopelessRomanticGuy

LostOnes05

 

Thanks for the comment. It's good to know I'm not alone in caring for people even though they hurt us. I agree that I can't wait around or be a doormat for her, but I don't think throwing her out is the answer either. I believe wholeheartedly in "Do to others as you would have them do to you". I know I need to heal so I am keeping very minimum contact, but I'm not sure how I feel about a strict NC. While I know I may heal faster with strict NC in place, it feels so much like a game to me.

 

 

 

 

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Rebounds rarely work and its incredibly sad for the person who is ready for a relationship but is now in a relationship with someone who has baggage from their last relationship.The rule of thumb for me is never get involved with someone who has not been on their own or at least out of a serious relationship for a year minimum.Its a waste of time and especially as you get older.

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HopelessRomanticGuy

scobro

 

Thanks for the comment and advice. That is really good advice! It proves the person cares about healing before jumping into another relationship, which by the way is incredibly selfish. To my ex's credit she did warn me she was worried about me becoming a rebound and I ignored her warning. I believe she eventually did genuinely fall in love with me, but her past caught back up to her and she didn't want to face it. It's easier to just ignore it and move on to the next temporary distraction.

 

It's an incredibly unhealthy way to live life, but unfortunately, we have to learn that one the hard way.

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