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Broken nc broken heart [update: need some answers!]


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Griesfootball

We dated for a year. Overall it was a good relationship, the problems were small things that added up. She left me in April.I texted my ex on Sunday. I didn't get a reply. It was 20 days on no contact. Today I messaged her, I said can I ask you something? She said what? I asked will I ever see you again? I expected a yes,no, or I don't know. I got a harsh honestly just give up. I asked why and she said because I've told you 100 times I have no intentions of a future with you. I said that fair, I don't get why you are so against me. She said I'm taking things too far and that she doesn't want to be with me and that she's happy and to let it go. I said its great that you are happy and that I just wanted to see where you were and you told so. It's like the breakup was happening all over again, very hard to handle the reality when she totally doesn't care and I do. So I'm telling you all stick to no contact because contact only sets you back. I feel worse today than it did during the no contact period. 3 months apart I thought something would change but I'm too stubborn to see that it won't. I'm not asking a question here but on,y telling you what I experienced today breaking no contact. I don't know anyone who broke no contact as a dumped and was successful

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PLease don't be so hard on yourself.

 

If it helps, today I drop a box of cakes and a letter on his doorstep. I too broke up with him in April. Been contacting him on and off. It was hard for me to accept that he was really such an ass. To have paint this beautiful picture with me and my kids.. a future that he threw away over one argument. I am on NC for 16 days.. so I completely understand how you feel.

 

I wasn't expecting anything.. but I wanted to let him know that whatever happened has happened.. that I don't hate him and I am not angry. Alot of my hurt was mainly due to guilt.. because as much as he dumped me, I was the one who basically pulled away a long time ago.. he just finished it off for me.

 

It woke me up.. and yes I still love him. But the love I feel... it's not as painful.. not as deep.. so I"m not hurting anymore. I stop holding any hope since a month ago.. I wanted to work on myself, and to know that I expected nothing out of the contact is good.

 

in the end, you were true to yourself, I told myself that anyway. I don't want to play the NC game, I was never a cruel person and I can't continue to pretend he doesn't exist like the way he did with me. I think, ultimately, we are too sensetive and romantic.. to believe that love was once true.

 

That's okay, Griesfootball. Now we know they lost someone who did love them once.. and perhaps they will find someone else, but not never the same as us. And we will find love one day and learn from this lesson, as something to watch out for in our next relationship.

 

Some people are just not meant to be in our lives.. it's a blessing. Because they hurt us when they were in our lives, and continue to hurt us when they left. If they return, I can only imagine the same hurt again. What's the point of a life like this?

 

We can do it. Keep moving on! You'll be better soon. :)

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Griesfootball

I'm like you I don't like to mess around with feelings and I broke nc because that's what I felt in my heart. I took the risk and failed. I didn't say anything wrong though so I don't regret it.

 

And the past is the past like you said, I just wish people would work on things instead of running away so easily

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Well, we can't keep people if they want to run away. I remembered this quote:

 

In the end we only regret chances we didnt take.The relationships we were scared to have and the decisions we waited to long to make there comes a time in your life when you realise who matters, who doesnt, who never did and who always will.

 

So we took the chance, we tried out best and we made the decision. Not waiting for regret to set in. I think there's something admirable in having te courage to reach out, despite knowing you'll still grasp at nothing.

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Griesfootball
Well, we can't keep people if they want to run away. I remembered this quote:

 

In the end we only regret chances we didnt take.The relationships we were scared to have and the decisions we waited to long to make there comes a time in your life when you realise who matters, who doesnt, who never did and who always will.

 

So we took the chance, we tried out best and we made the decision. Not waiting for regret to set in. I think there's something admirable in having te courage to reach out, despite knowing you'll still grasp at nothing.

 

And it's like we put ourselves out there for them and once they have nobody chasing them some of them come back and expect everything to be normal or that we have moved on by then

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Yes that's true. Most of my exes did come back, but my radar is quite sensitive to games.. most of them came back when they couldn't find anyone better.

 

But that's not why I want them to return to me... If I gave them so many chances in the past and they didn't want them, surely they can't expect the chance to still remain, after they've been with so many partners and return back as if everything will be fine.

 

It's not. The betrayal that they didn't cherish us when we were around is too deep. I don't expect my ex to reply to my box of cakes and letter, but at least, I've made peace with myself, know I've tried, and choose to forgive after the way he treated me. It's for the best. :)

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  • 2 weeks later...
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Griesfootball

I'm in college and my ex is starting college. We both go to the same college they are commute colleges only an hour apart, but anyway she broke up with me 3 1/2 months ago. Reasons were unclear but I know what I could improve on and what I could have done. I thought that being out of high school and all this was something that could last for a long time. We were together for 13 months so I feel anything over one year is substantial, at least going through all of each other's family functions and holidays together.

 

To be honest I thought we would be back together by now but she was serious about the breakup. I feel no better since it happened. I don't know who's she's been with or slept with and I know she hasn't dated but I don't care about that stuff. She said she wanted to explore and be on her own and I have the same choice she said if I wanted to.

 

So my question is what do I do? 3 months later we are both single. I still want to be with her as she enhanced my life in many ways. Do I reach out anytime soon? The times I did reach out she was mad because it was all emotional talks from me instead of something like hey how are you or do I have to suck it up and see if she contacts me. And do any of you wait on somebody? I know it can set you back but if you really want somebody is it an option?

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If I were you, I would refrain from reaching out. If she was mad the times you did reach out, that could possibly happen again, leaving you feeling crushed and you don't want that. I think you need to both go off to college this year and do your own separate things. Especially since this will be her first year.

 

Don't wait on anyone. Don't wait on anyone. Don't wait on anyone.

 

From what it sounds like, not talking to her and leaving her be is your best chance at ever getting her back. HAVE FUN this semester and do your best to live your life withour her, regardless of how much it hurts you. It will be for the best. I promise!

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Griesfootball

Thanks, the last time I did reach out crushed is how I felt exactly because I had expectations of what I thought she would say. Neither of us are drinkers and so we had our own way with fun. I did forget to mention she is very independent because she lives with her step mom, her mom was never there for her and when I asked about us she said she wanted no commitments with anyone and I don't know if that was a phase thing like it being summer and starting school maybe she wanted to focus on herself I was really surprised to hear that but I know she is looking to save money for the future so maybe this was bad timing.All I know is the uncertainty is killing me.

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Simon Phoenix

You really need to stop reaching out dude. I mean, it hasn't been even two weeks since you reached out the last time to disastrous results and she told you in no uncertain terms to leave her the hell alone. If she told you to leave her alone, then why the hell would you try to contact her again? That's just foolish man. She's made her feelings known and it's up to her to contact you if those feelings have changed. But stop trying to twist her words into meaning something they don't. Take them at face value, stay out of contact and get your crap together.

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All I know is the uncertainty is killing me.

 

WHAT UNCERTAINTY?

 

The woman is being very upfront and straighforward with you. She doesn't feel the same way anymore. It happens. It's happened to most of us.

 

1) I got a harsh honestly just give up

2) I've told you 100 times I have no intentions of a future with you.

3) She said I'm taking things too far and that she doesn't want to be with me

4) that she's happy and to let it go

 

I'm not sure what else it's going to take to make you understand it is over. It's time to NC and heal from this. It's done.

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WHAT UNCERTAINTY?
I'll tell you what uncertainty... he doesn't understand WHY.

 

Greisfootball: You'll never know why. The heart has no reasons. I'm sure you know of prettier girls, smarter girls, nicer girls, etc. It's not because of what she is, those are all the reasons you like her, but not WHY you love her. WHY? Who knows, she probably doesn't even know.

 

Can you just decide to fall out of love? Neither did she. It just happened, and once you understand that, it feels a lot less personal.

 

You have to learn how not to worry about WHY, don't worry about blame, or even what you might do better next time. Take some time to grieve and find a way to put a positive in it. Maybe that's something you've wanted to do, or to learn, or a chance to get back in touch with something you like to do. Treat yourself like your best friend now.

Edited by mightycpa
mixed audience f'up
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That's your interpretation. I believe his "uncertainty" pertains to him believing that this is all a phase she's going through and as he mentioned, the validity of him waiting for her, while he sits back feeling uncertain as to what his ex is currently going through.

 

That was my interpretation of his "uncertainty".

 

But you're right. That's a big part of why he just can't let it go.

Edited by Zahara
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Griesfootball

It's parts of both. I don't get why and probably will never know what's going on. It's just the no contact which is my problem because we were one of those couples that would text saying I'm here, or just got home. It's hard to get away from the curiosity of what she's doing. And it's been 3 months and she isn't dating anyone. I know it will hurt badly when she does date someone else but why hasn't she yet? If she did it would move me along faster knowing she is unavailable.

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It's parts of both. I don't get why and probably will never know what's going on. It's just the no contact which is my problem because we were one of those couples that would text saying I'm here, or just got home. It's hard to get away from the curiosity of what she's doing. And it's been 3 months and she isn't dating anyone. I know it will hurt badly when she does date someone else but why hasn't she yet? If she did it would move me along faster knowing she is unavailable.

 

Well, you can't put your life on hold until she moves on with hers, right? Why would you do that? Gries, you are crippling yourself into nothing. You have given her too much power over your life.

 

Stop stalking her and keeping track of her life. You're doing it at the expense of neglecting yours. You're creating a very unhealthy and damaging pattern for yourself.

 

Not dating anyone doesn't indicate that there is an opportunity for reconciliation. Not dating anyone just means that she's possibly enjoying her life being single and taking her time to meet someone.

 

She told you that she doesn't want to be with you. That doesn't seem to resonate at all with you. But her not dating, somehow you hone in on that and maginify it into some possible reason she may still be attached to you. Pay attention to REALITY. The reality is that she has been honest and upfront with you. That is the only thing you take with you and focus on.

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it would move me along faster knowing she is unavailable

No, it wouldn't. I hate to break it to you, but all women are available, regardless of their status. The only thing that's really required is their willingness to be available. It may be more obvious if she starts dating, but you need to recognize she's not available to you right now.

 

The no contact is difficult, yes, but you have to listen to her words, and what the deafening silence is telling you.

 

She was kind enough to tell you the truth. She could have lied, or offered lame excuses, or just gotten a new boyfriend. You want her back? Take her at her word. Allow her to explore. Chances are, she'll find somebody else, but you never know.

 

She'll never take you back the way you are, so you should take this time to change and grow. She'll like that about you. It's your only real hope, so if you truly love her, then you have to stop being selfish and work on yourself. That most likely includes being in other relationships so that you know how to conduct yourself well in one. I don't know you, but I'm thinking that's true, that you made a lot of mistakes. So work on it, work on all of it. Become the guy that no woman can resist.

 

Will it be hard? Yes. Suck it up and do it anyway. You'll thank yourself in the end.

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Griesfootball
Well, you can't put your life on hold until she moves on with hers, right? Why would you do that? Gries, you are crippling yourself into nothing. You have given her too much power over your life.

 

Stop stalking her and keeping track of her life. You're doing it at the expense of neglecting yours. You're creating a very unhealthy and damaging pattern for yourself.

 

Not dating anyone doesn't indicate that there is an opportunity for reconciliation. Not dating anyone just means that she's possibly enjoying her life being single and taking her time to meet someone.

 

She told you that she doesn't want to be with you. That doesn't seem to resonate at all with you. But her not dating, somehow you hone in on that and maginify it into some possible reason she may still be attached to you. Pay attention to REALITY. The reality is that she has been honest and upfront with you. That is the only thing you take with you and focus on.

 

You're right and I know your right. I can admit that I have a problem with being stubborn.

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You're right and I know your right. I can admit that I have a problem with being stubborn.

 

I don't think you're stubborn. I think you're in denial and finding it hard to accept the finality of it. And when you are in an emotional fog, it's hard to find logic and reality.

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Griesfootball
No, it wouldn't. I hate to break it to you, but all women are available, regardless of their status. The only thing that's really required is their willingness to be available. It may be more obvious if she starts dating, but you need to recognize she's not available to you right now.

 

The no contact is difficult, yes, but you have to listen to her words, and what the deafening silence is telling you.

 

She was kind enough to tell you the truth. She could have lied, or offered lame excuses, or just gotten a new boyfriend. You want her back? Take her at her word. Allow her to explore. Chances are, she'll find somebody else, but you never know.

 

She'll never take you back the way you are, so you should take this time to change and grow. She'll like that about you. It's your only real hope, so if you truly love her, then you have to stop being selfish and work on yourself. That most likely includes being in other relationships so that you know how to conduct yourself well in one. I don't know you, but I'm thinking that's true, that you made a lot of mistakes. So work on it, work on all of it. Become the guy that no woman can resist.

 

Will it be hard? Yes. Suck it up and do it anyway. You'll thank yourself in the end.

 

Yes not cheating,abuse, but those first relationship mistakes, like getting too comfortable and treating her average compared to the first 4-5 months of time. She had told me once it felt routine, kind of neglected it though. I know I've learned some stuff about my relationship and that's the hard part the fact that the next girl I date I will probably have a better experience with, but it's just that I want this girl that I can't have at the moment.

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  • 3 weeks later...
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Griesfootball

Hi all, this is my first post in a little while on here. Post 5 months of my breakup with my first serious ex girlfriend. After trying and breaking contact a few times I finally reached no contact for 30 days for the first time. How am I feeling? Well I feel better in some ways. Like when I'd contact my ex and create expectations in my head it was like a drug and I felt pain coming down.

 

I was able to delete her off snapchat and I unfollowed her on social media and was able to delete her phone number just to get away from things. Some days I sit on the couch and go through endless thinking though.

 

The bottom line is 5 months later I still feel the same about this person, maybe because I haven't had a girlfriend since then, but this person just enhanced my life. The crazy side of me wants to test the waters and reach out. Not knowing what's happening in her life is what makes the idea so thrilling as I'm curious. I also think it's early and maybe to wait 60 days and see where my life is. The biggest think I feel is that I want her to reach out if she really wants something but what if she's afraid too since she's the one who dumped me?

 

Well sorry for the length, any directions your opinions offer are greatly appreciated.

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BigGirlPantiesOn

Well done. You are doing very well and your feelings are normal.

Keep the faith, the pain and thinking will pass. I promise. Keep moving forward, keep NC. You are recovering.

 

:) :)

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I think doing another 30 days is actually a great idea. Doing another 30 days of improvement and healing won't hurt you. Majority of the time being around and not moving forward is the real reason why most people can never get back their ex's. You would just appear needy and weak if you go back at this point. You aren't in full control of your emotions and you need to be.

 

You're going through a pretty normal phase right now. Keep setting up milestones (like the next 30 days) and mini goals (hit the gym, etc). You're honestly showing a lot of strength already for hitting the 30 day mark.

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Dumpers are not afraid to check in on you. If they don't, it means that they aren't interested, or they are afraid you're not over them.

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keep going. 30 days NC is an awesome feat.

 

but you're not being accurate with your numbers here. you say it's been 5 months post-breakup, but if you're still contacting then you've really only gone 30 days. each time you break the NC it 'extends' that break-up date because you haven't allowed yourself to move on. so you're really at 1 month now and need to keep going. you will get over it if you maintain NC.

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