I need someone to talk to... <same sex breakup> [update- ex talking ****]

[JimmyWeezy]

Hello everyone.

I've just joined this beautiful community after searching for "ex-related issues" on google.

I'm a 26 yo boy, italian, and he dumped me less than a week ago after almost 2 years. I'm not eating, or sleeping well. I moved to my dad's house because I couldn't stay in mine anymore due to all the memories and material stuff we bought together.

 

It's gonna be quite long, but PLEASE bear with me. I'm in the deepest darkness, please bear with me. I'll try to make it as short as I can.

 

I met him in Sept 2012 through a chat application on my phone. I was 24, he was 19. He fell for me instantly, ad I was the handsome, older, experienced and careless guy. I wasn't counting on it at first as I got burnt in the past, but he was so cute, innocent, handsome as well, that I couldn't resist for long.

Everything was perfect. Except for the fact that he hasn't come out to his family, so I was just a FRIEND to them. Then, after the 1st year, the fairytale ends when I find out that he was looking at guys in facebook, liking their pics, talking to his ex and another guy so I was about to break up with him. He ran at my house, crying, we talked for a bit then he went to work. The day after, he came to a friend's house I was at with roses and a ring. The next day he asked if he could come over, I accepted, and we laid on the bed when he started crying like crazy, telling me all those things I've been waiting to hear for a long time. He explained that joining chats for him is just like watching porn for me, as he doesn't get in touch but he likes the idea of being around real people instead of watching "characters" having sex. I understood, he gave me his FB and e-mail passwords to prove he wouldn't doing anything anymore.

 

Since then, I got obsessed with checking his fb and email, as I knew he was indeed inexperienced, immature, and curious. I couldn't be cool and calm about him anymore as I felt like I never knew what was on his mind. I wouldn't even be cool with us going to gay bars, or going clubbing, or going out separately. I hated it, but I wanted to keep him with me. After 4-5 months, he said that he was starting to miss his privacy (password-wise) and his own space. I couldn't let him change his passwords but I told him he could have his own nights out - which he never did, anyways).

We kept going out on our own and with our group of friends (HIS friends, amongst with I became real friends with one of them).

In May, we went on a great trip to London. It was MAGICAL. I got proved that far from the all the bulls**t, it's perfect just the of us. I was so glad and almost shocked.

 

Then, last month we had this HUGE fight (he never complains, in order to avoid arguing or discussing, but doing so you obviously explode sooner or later and that's what happened). I asked him about a weird google search he made, and he got so mad at me for still checking his stuff. It was ridiculous since he gave me that power back in November. We made peace after a dreadful weekend, and slowly got back to a normal situation. Fact is, we never did anything real to change out problems. We would talk, clear the air, but he would search for weird stuff and I would keep on checking him. So we were always halfway between happiness and sadness. None of us was completely happy.

I was missing his tenderness and attention for a long time, I would ask "do you?" When he said "I love you", because it was clear that I wasn't a priority to him since he would always be out and about with his family (even though they dont know, they are very attached).

 

He was on holiday from work last week and this week, with this one being at the beach house with the family. He invited me but I couldn't go, so last weekend he slept over to spend the Saturday together before his departure but in the morning he ran away. The morning after he text me: "I need to understand who I am, what I want, where I wanna go. I know I hurt even though I don't want to, but I have to do this, for me and for you. I need to understand".

 

Then, I found out that the same day he already downloaded gay chats and looked for gay pride prices in our city (one of the "forbidden things" that he TOTALLY UNDERSTOOD why I wasn't comfortable with going to). I deleted him from my friends. Nothing happened. Two days later (this Tuesday) he said "I know I'm the last person u wanna hear from, but I would like to end what we have been on good terms, explaining myself. I apologize for my behavior last Saturday, but I was running away from a suffocating relationship. I want my independence, I want to take control of my life, I realized I'm not the person you want and deserve, and for doing it so late I apologize. Your love deserves to go to someone worth it. I will always love you as a friend, u've been the most important person in my life and I don't want you to disappear. I wanna stay friends. I was seeing you as a friend for a while, my feelings for you kept diminishing after every discussion and I think this is the best thing to do because we wouldn't be happy. It's a shame to throw 2 years out of the window, it's gonna hurt, I'm gonna regret it, but it's the only thing to do."

 

After a couple hours I replied "are you sure you wanna do this? Hurt me and yourself like this? What if we actually try to do something instead of destroying everything?" But he was firm with his decision, and that's when he said I was a friend to his eyes for a while now.

 

My thing is, everything in this city is a place we went to together, everything. I was there when he graduated, got his license (it comes at 18 in italy, but he got it at 19 after graduating). I was at his sister wedding, his parents took me to te cinema on my birthday... Even if I was just the friend, u know.

So it shocks me to think that he would simply be light about it, maybe relieved, and never come back. What will he do once gay pride is over at the end of the summer? And after maybe hooking up with s**ts or being treated like e don't count that much?

Do u think he's just blinded by "OMG it's summertime, gotta have fun and do what I couldn't do" or is he really over me?

 

I realize we have different ages and experience, and I hated what I've turned into but we were perfect at one point so I think that we really are. IF we work out things. Idk. Help me

[sugarlove]

Hi Jimmy,

You can probably post this qns under http://www.loveshack.org/forums/mind-body-soul/gender-sexual-identity/ and perhaps you'll be able to find more help there with posters with the same experience with gay pride and gay relationships?

 

I myself have several gay friends but I do believe they view relationships slightly different as each partner takes on a feminine/masculine role so I can't advise you as helpful as I can.

 

To do so, you can click ALERT and state to move this thread and one of the moderators will move it for you.

 

I hope that helps! Matters of the hearts are so confusing but you'll get the advise you need on LS if you know where to look.

 

many hugs

[SteakandSalad]

Hi Jimmy Weezy.

 

I'm sorry that you are hurting.

 

However, this relationship is not healthy. There is no trust! You should be able to live freely without constantly thinking where he will be, what he is doing, checking his online activity etc.

 

In my opinion, let him go. He might see what he is missing but it will also give you the peace of mind you have been craving. You won't have to worry what he is up. Let yourself rest for a while. I can imagine this has been a huge brain strain.

[JimmyWeezy]

Hi Jimmy Weezy.

 

I'm sorry that you are hurting.

 

However, this relationship is not healthy. There is no trust! You should be able to live freely without constantly thinking where he will be, what he is doing, checking his online activity etc.

 

In my opinion, let him go. He might see what he is missing but it will also give you the peace of mind you have been craving. You won't have to worry what he is up. Let yourself rest for a while. I can imagine this has been a huge brain strain.

Absolutely true. It's been hell, because I was waiting for him to realize how precious I am without having to tell him or whatever. Fact is, I was always there for him. On a daily basis. I hope he gets lost and realize how shallow his fantasies are...

[JimmyWeezy]

Hi Jimmy,

You can probably post this qns under http://www.loveshack.org/forums/mind-body-soul/gender-sexual-identity/ and perhaps you'll be able to find more help there with posters with the same experience with gay pride and gay relationships?

 

I myself have several gay friends but I do believe they view relationships slightly different as each partner takes on a feminine/masculine role so I can't advise you as helpful as I can.

 

To do so, you can click ALERT and state to move this thread and one of the moderators will move it for you.

 

I hope that helps! Matters of the hearts are so confusing but you'll get the advise you need on LS if you know where to look.

 

many hugs

I just did what you've suggested, thank you

[JimmyWeezy]

I'm on my 10th NC day as well.

My bf broke up with me because 'we weren't happy' (half true), because the relationship felt suffocating (because I was blocking him from doing things due to my broken trust) and because he was seeing me as a friend for a while since his feelings decreased with every discussion/argument (translation: he was always the reason and he got tired of me fathering him, since I'm the older and the mature).

HOWEVER when he broke up with me, he said I've been 'the most important person in his life' that I deserve someone better as he realized he's not the right person for me to give my love to, that he needs to figure out who he is, what he wants etc (he's 21) and that he doesn't want me to disappear.

 

Obviously my heart got shattered and I was like 'I was never a friend and I have no interest in becoming one'. Then, he goes 'I know we can't be friends but I want to end what we've been in a pacific way, on good terms'.

 

He said the same thing to a mutual friend a couple days ago, and she told him that I don't hate him but I can't be his friend as long as I love him. She told him that I'm hurting very bad and that I broke down when he said I was just a friend to him for a while. She suggested him to text me and he told her that now it's too late to come back... ?????? And that he will always love me as a friend but that's it, that he can't go back to a relationship because he couldn't make it. WHAT DOES THIS MEAN? Makes no sense. He wants to be on good terms yet it's too late to "come back"? As in getting in touch? What. The. Flying. Eff.

 

I never replied when he suggested a pacific end and a meeting, I refused for him to come over and get his stuff, so I gave it to a mutual friend and went NC. I kinda regret it now. I don't know what to do. I would text him to let him know that I'm here if he really needs me for whatever reason, and that I would love for him to text me here and there.

 

I feel like if I don't make this clear I might lose him forever, but at the same time I feel like NC is the right thing since he broke my heart. I really don't know what to do. I don't wanna lose him but I can't be his friend now. I'm ok with texting sometimes, not sure if a) it's a good idea and b) what he would say.

 

Thoughts/advice?

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[Elle1975]

Very bad idea to stay in contact with the ex. It's just going to be torture and prolong your grief, since you still love him.

 

Yes, NC is hard, but yes it's also the best solution because it's a win win kind of deal.

 

Talking about him with your friend isn't such a great idea, since she talks to him as well. At least require she doesn't report the conversations to you. Especially if it's to say things like "you broke her heart. She's mopping around the house."

[JimmyWeezy]

Very bad idea to stay in contact with the ex. It's just going to be torture and prolong your grief, since you still love him.

 

Yes, NC is hard, but yes it's also the best solution because it's a win win kind of deal.

 

Talking about him with your friend isn't such a great idea, since she talks to him as well. At least require she doesn't report the conversations to you. Especially if it's to say things like "you broke her heart. She's mopping around the house."

 

I don't want to actually stay in contact, but make sure he knows I have no hostility IF he wants to text me or needs me for anything. I feel like he thinks I despise him since I refused to meet or stay friends when he dumped me. I feel terrible

[JimmyWeezy]

He is telling a mutual friends things that annoyed him about me, as if he was trying to find as many reasons as he can to justify why he dumped me.

 

Is it normal? Have your dumpers done the same?

 

It kinda hurts because i did have issues of my own (no car, no job) but I was a hella great partner. He might have had things i didn't, but he was not a good partner at all. So what's the point? It doesn't make sense

[JimmyWeezy]

And if these things really bothered him, he could have brought them up instead of talking them once and then pretending as if everything was cool.

 

I honestly am HURT.

[mightycpa]

See? Immature, I was right. He doesn't really understand that they can see through him, and he doesn't look good doing this.

 

You don't have to respond in kind. If anybody talks to you about it, have some class. Just say, you know, he dumped me, and was probably shocked because I walked. I don't know what his real problem is.

 

Then hold up your hand, with your index finger about 1 inch away from your thumb, and the rest of your fingers curled toward the palm. And smile.

[JimmyWeezy]

See? Immature, I was right. He doesn't really understand that they can see through him, and he doesn't look good doing this.

 

You don't have to respond in kind. If anybody talks to you about it, have some class. Just say, you know, he dumped me, and was probably shocked because I walked. I don't know what his real problem is.

 

Then hold up your hand, with your index finger about 1 inch away from your thumb, and the rest of your fingers curled toward the palm. And smile.

 

I love you

[JimmyWeezy]

See? Immature, I was right. He doesn't really understand that they can see through him, and he doesn't look good doing this.

 

You don't have to respond in kind. If anybody talks to you about it, have some class. Just say, you know, he dumped me, and was probably shocked because I walked. I don't know what his real problem is.

 

Then hold up your hand, with your index finger about 1 inch away from your thumb, and the rest of your fingers curled toward the palm. And smile.

 

I think he said those things to this mutual friend BECAUSE she's more MY friend than his. I mean, he knows he dumped brutally so he must feel like she thinks he is a bad person about that, so he was trying to tell her things to like... Justify/validate what he did and look less bad to her eyes.

 

Too bad we all know he dumped me for other reasons, like he didn't love me anymore but stayed and played for a while.

[Discover]

Keep fighting my friend, it will get better!

 

My exgirlfriend acted like this towards me in the relationship..2 months later she came back and ever since then I keep messing things up by not knowing whether I want her or not..

 

The moral of my story is... if you are looking for getting back with him, after realizing for yourself what a person he is..things might end up really painful for you and confusing...

 

Move on, head held high and make sure that you search for that person who will treat you the same as you will treat him!

[JimmyWeezy]

Keep fighting my friend, it will get better!

 

My exgirlfriend acted like this towards me in the relationship..2 months later she came back and ever since then I keep messing things up by not knowing whether I want her or not..

 

The moral of my story is... if you are looking for getting back with him, after realizing for yourself what a person he is..things might end up really painful for you and confusing...

 

Move on, head held high and make sure that you search for that person who will treat you the same as you will treat him!

 

I don't think he will come back until he learns about life and gets a reality check. But at this point I don't care, I'm planning to move abroad in a month to start my life finally. Being 26 and unemployed is frustrating. I'm moving to London so hopefully I will get a job, then a house, and then a decent boyfriend maybe. He can say all he wants about me, that I am a failure jobless with no car person, but I was a supreme partner. So what is more important? Good luck dealing with that... And good luck on finding another me

[Zeurich]

Pain is a pain either Hetero or Gay that I can feel but my dear I am not sure how can I comfort you. But try to move on keep the sad past behind your back. If one door closed many more doors open. At least I hope that helps

[Smilecharmer]

I am so sorry for your pain and your exes immaturity. You are right to go

NC and move on IMO. He didn't deserve you because he couldn't treat you like you should have been treated. Life is too short to waste outer precious energy on people who keep hurting us and making drama. I like to think we get what we deserve in life but that just isn't true. Sometimes we draw people towards us who aren't right for us to teach us things about ourselves. He taught you to expect more from your lovers and not to accept less. Here are some cyber momma hugs if ok. You are going to be better than ever and find someone who appreciates you. You sound like a wonderful young man.

[JimmyWeezy]

I am so sorry for your pain and your exes immaturity. You are right to go

NC and move on IMO. He didn't deserve you because he couldn't treat you like you should have been treated. Life is too short to waste outer precious energy on people who keep hurting us and making drama. I like to think we get what we deserve in life but that just isn't true. Sometimes we draw people towards us who aren't right for us to teach us things about ourselves. He taught you to expect more from your lovers and not to accept less. Here are some cyber momma hugs if ok. You are going to be better than ever and find someone who appreciates you. You sound like a wonderful young man.

 

That is so sweet of you, thank you!!

[hoping2heal]

I'm sorry for what you are going through.

 

It sounds like the two of you were trying to fight off the inevitable for as long as you could, but eventually you reached the inevitable part.

 

Your partner wanted to explore his sexuality and part of that included other men. He tried to stop for you, but eventually came to realize that his desire to do so outweighed his desire to be in a relationship.

 

Having no privacy WOULD be suffocating, but that doesn't change the fact that the root issue was your bf not being cut out for monogamy at this point in his life. So, while I urge you to not repeat the privacy intrusion in the future (and I do understand why you did it) - even if you hadn't ever done that you two would still be where you are because the trump card was a personal issue between your partner and himself. Not between the two of you.

 

It can feel like the worst when things can't work out because of reasons like this but both of you are cut out for different things at this point in your lives. He shouldn't have to be committed to only one man if he isn't ready to be and likewise, you shouldn't have to forgo a loving and faithful partner.

 

You both have different needs and desires that neither one of you can fulfill for the other, despite emotional attachments. I would not engage in friendship though - I know its what HE wants but he made the decision to end the relationship so he could seek out what he wants - you don't need to give into what he wants. You need to do what will cause the least amount of pain and anguish for yourself.

 

Be good to yourself, there are other men out there who will be good to you and give you what you want and that will feel so much better than trying to shape your lover into what he is not.

[JimmyWeezy]

I'm sorry for what you are going through.

 

It sounds like the two of you were trying to fight off the inevitable for as long as you could, but eventually you reached the inevitable part.

 

Your partner wanted to explore his sexuality and part of that included other men. He tried to stop for you, but eventually came to realize that his desire to do so outweighed his desire to be in a relationship.

 

Having no privacy WOULD be suffocating, but that doesn't change the fact that the root issue was your bf not being cut out for monogamy at this point in his life. So, while I urge you to not repeat the privacy intrusion in the future (and I do understand why you did it) - even if you hadn't ever done that you two would still be where you are because the trump card was a personal issue between your partner and himself. Not between the two of you.

 

It can feel like the worst when things can't work out because of reasons like this but both of you are cut out for different things at this point in your lives. He shouldn't have to be committed to only one man if he isn't ready to be and likewise, you shouldn't have to forgo a loving and faithful partner.

 

You both have different needs and desires that neither one of you can fulfill for the other, despite emotional attachments. I would not engage in friendship though - I know its what HE wants but he made the decision to end the relationship so he could seek out what he wants - you don't need to give into what he wants. You need to do what will cause the least amount of pain and anguish for yourself.

 

Be good to yourself, there are other men out there who will be good to you and give you what you want and that will feel so much better than trying to shape your lover into what he is not.

 

Thank you so much, such a truthful and beautiful post.

 

I'm about to book a one way ticket to London, it was always my frema to move abroad and speak English 24/7.

This city only threw rocks at me, and now that I'm single there's nothing really holding me back. I need to go back to MY original dream and pursue that.

 

I would love to tell him that I'm leaving and say goodbye somehow, but I don't think it would do any good to my emotions.... I'm conflicted. Same goes to mutual friends who have nothing to do with the mess he did, but they didn't even took the time to text asking how I was. So I guess I will leave without saying goodbye, even if it hurts BIG TIME