GF became a different scary person!

[61IMPALA]

My girlfriend of 4 years woke up one day hating the world. She is beautiful, smart, and an artist. She is 20 and I am 21. One evening she called me up to meet her to "talk". She said she felt i was over bearing and jealous and wanted a break. I dont think i was out of line honestly, she had been hanging out with only guys, and they all have a thing for her...they have openly admitted it to her.

 

I was crushed. I gave her space...but then made the mistake of being her friend. She started to use me...i am a PhD candidate and working furiously in school. I started doing her homework, buying her gifts, taking her out...and i was oblivious to the fact that she used me. I felt that there was a new man in her life, and i asked her about it....there was. A 17 year old high school kid who looks like he is 14. I lost it emotionally though i didnt show it...returned all of her stuff and went no contact.

 

Before this break she was a straight a clean cut person...now she is drinking heavily, doing alot of drugs, and selling them with her new boyfriend. She is hanging around younger high school kids, who are all stoned out and jaded.

She is getting piercings and tattoos (which i dont have anything against for people that have them) but it is very unlike her.

 

I was so worried for her, but now i am getting over it. On top of all this she has been so mean and rude to me...posting deep secrets about me online, calling me names. I dont understand how someone changes so fast. She dropped out of school as well.

When i met her she had an eating disorder and self harm issues that i helped her with...but told her to get professional help as well...she never did. Her mother is bi polar, and has an abusive boyfriend who has beaten her and my gf and my gf's sister and niece. She is also a recovering alcoholic.

Her father is still married to her mother, and he is a well established artist so he gets a large income which the mother uses. My gf comes from a rich family, but has many problems.

 

i guess i am wondering if this was part of the problem? i dont understand how someone changes so fast and gets a new relationship within a day of the breakup. we had a great relationship and i sensed none of this. I have read about GIGS and maybe this applies...but as a PhD candidate, i dont have many friends haha and am busy alot so i came here for support....

 

to clarify...her mother is the recovering alcoholic. Also, she thinks i am trying to ruin her life by trying to help her off the drugs..but i have not contacted her for a while now. And whats the deal hanging out with high schoolers!! i mean 17 and 16 year olds...and going on campus to hang with them. Its weird. She is also posting all of her pictures of her drug habits and alcohol use on her social media...my connection to her had lost me my job on a political campaign i was working for...she has pictures of me still on her social media, not doing anything illegal, but i was let go for being associated with her. She also has alot of my belongings, and will not return them. I have returned everything to her, and she does not return my stuff. She is also wearing my clothes (which are way too big for her) which is another thing i find strange....any advice?

 

her new best friend (a 17 year old druggie) is being overtly annoying and threatening during all of this. I dont even know her and she is texting me angry hate texts. Her social media is all "we are so strong! we will shoot for da stars! We dont care what anyone thinks!" you know stupid high school ****...but it perturbs me to think that they believe i am stalking their social media...i looked maybe twice in the initial stages of the break up, but now have blocked all of it.

 

also in regard to me losing my internship..i told her for weeks after the break up to please take down the photos...and it feels like she didnt just to spite me. I honestly dont know where her anger is coming from, i treated her so well and never lost temper, cheated on her, or was negative in any way. To give light on who she was before this break, we were both yoga practitioners and she was a deeply involved buddhist. So that adds alot to the surpirse of all of this

aloha

Edited July 6, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[todreaminblue]

i really don't agree or understand the association rule......to lose your internship i mean if you are clean then they should treat you in kind......if you don't have a criminal record....i associate with drug addicts they have issues i am clean i don't use drugs and i don't have any form of criminal record...the opposite actually...i advocate in police involvement and sit in court with them....have spoken out against drug dealers.....I have never been denied involvement with any organisation. in fact a police officer sat and talked to me about becoming a police prosecutor and how they have scholarships....that was when i was advocating for my sister who was pulled into a drug circle, i then set out to take away her supply......by beign an informer...that's how i help drug addicts.....take away their supply.....by informing....

as far as your ex goes it is hard not to slip and peer pressure is unbelievable but the more you say no the less they ask, some people just give in and it starts them on a cycle of confusion because they go against what they truly believe in......

 

your ex sounds lost and you can t help her to find the right way she has to want to.....or you could inform of known drug activity...makes em sad when its teens...my teen came home early last night because of drugs.....my girls and i arent fans we know what it causes, this ripple of abuse stemming out from one drug dealer is phenomenal.....touches many......ever widening circle of desperation and hurt......pawn shops see it first hand......broken engagements and windows full of broken promise rings......

 

 

you cant help her until she wants your help....you will know when that is until then maintain distance, block her from social and or any form of media.....and stay strong...its not you ....its her life she has to make the change then she will understand who she has hurt....you can request organisations drug test you if they doubt your non involvement, i feel you have that right to say no dont color me with the same brush ...stand up and be noted as such..............good luck....deb

[61IMPALA]

UPDATE:She fell off of her roof yesterday in a drunken stupor...she is mostly ok but hopefully that will make her realize how dangerous her life choices have become.

[bubbaganoosh]

If you want your stuff back, call a cop and tell them that we need their help getting it because she won't give your stuff back. Either that or take her to court.

 

If the worse thing that happens is you lose some of your possessions, consider yourself lucky. Just be glad she's out of your life and get as far away from her as possible.

 

You studying for a PHD and so you have a good heard on your shoulders. That should be your number one priority.

 

My advice is go NC on her and keep it that way. She's a loser and there is nothing you can do about it. She needs help and the kind of help she needs, you can't provide and until she decides to get it, she's going to keep going down the same path of destruction.

[FitnessRN]

UPDATE:She fell off of her roof yesterday in a drunken stupor...she is mostly ok but hopefully that will make her realize how dangerous her life choices have become.

 

First off, if she's a trainwreck, that's bad. If her family is a trainwreck, do you want to marry into that? Two major dealbreakers.

[Downtown]

When i met her she had an eating disorder and self harm issues that i helped her with...but told her to get professional help as well...she never did. Her mother is bi polar....

Impala, what type of self harming did she do? Was it arm cutting? As to her mother's bipolar disorder, your exGF is at risk of inheriting it because it can be passed from one generation to the other. If so, the bipolar would not show itself until age 18 to 30, with the average age of onset being 25. The manic phase of bipolar-1 might explain the bizarre behavior you've seen lately. Alternatively, it could simply be the drug abuse -- which by itself can cause people to behave very strangely and have mood swings. Edited July 5, 2014 by Downtown

[61IMPALA]

Yes her self harm was cutting. She wasnt an abuser of anything, but literally it was one day she woke up and was pissed off at everything...starting drugs, drinking to excess. The latest i have heard now is that she is broken up with her current high schooler boyfriend, and on her way to oakland to live with another boyfriend she had during this break. This guys is worse than the teenager. This guy is i think 20 and a big time drug dealer...living in a crack house. its almost a relief that she is out of town...i live in LA. As her presence was too much.

[61IMPALA]

Also i believe she sold most of my things to get the money to fly up to oakland...

[61IMPALA]

I guess whats most confusing and hard, is how it all happened in a matter of a month and a half. She found her new guy a few days later...she started using drugs the day we broke up, she got the piercings and tattoos a week after, she hung around high school kids a few days after, she dropped out of school a month after, and she is now moving away a month after....i considered her extremely smart and levelheaded, easily could be doing a phd program right along side me...but i feel it is mental illness. I dont have a feeling of blame, because i know what mental illness can do to a person...but i am more shocked and hurt than anything. Anger came at first, because i thought she was doing this consciously, but perhaps she is not to an extent. The drugs have me down though...never thought shed be using.

[Eagle755]

Does she have a mental illness?

[61IMPALA]

i imagine she does. I have been trying to get her to go to therapy the whole relationship. She was always depressed, low self esteem, no family support, angry at simple things, highly unorganized...and suffered from anorexia, bulimia, and self harm.

[Downtown]

Yes her self harm was cutting.

I asked about the cutting because self harm like cutting is strongly associated with BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder), which my exW has. A 2004 hospital study, for example, concludes that "self-mutilating behavior is a symptom seen in both men and women with various psychiatric disorders, but the majority of those who self-mutilate are women with borderline personality disorder." See 50% cutting.

 

Moreover, if she has bipolar-1 disorder like her mother, there is a 36% chance she also has co-occurring BPD. See Table 3 at 2008 Study in JCP. If you are interested, I describe the main differences between the behavior of BPDers (e.g., my exW) and that of bipolar-1 sufferers (e.g., my foster son) at my post in 12 BPD/Bipolar Differences. If the BPD symptoms sound very familiar, you will find a much more detailed description of BPD warning signs at my posts in Rebel's Thread. If that description rings some bells, I would be glad to discuss them with you. Take care, Impala.

[61IMPALA]

It does seem as if she has BPD. her mood swings were varied and within hours. She could be happy on minute, and then super depressed over nothing the next. The bipolar issues definitely sound like her mother...long term change over weeks and days. My ex didnt have a maturity issue...however she is very stubborn and towards the end (also with the introduction to cannabis) became extremely gullible and unrealistic in opinion. I would say initially she swung from depression to normality, and now it seems depression to mania. To clarify my PhD is in Economic History, haha so i have no backing of experience in Psychology or Mental health issues.

[61IMPALA]

It also is similar in her way of the handling of the break up..she sort of expected me to be cool with everything. And got mad at me when i was upset she was with someone else, though we were on a "break". The self harm may be permeating again in the form of tattoos and piercings.

[61IMPALA]

after reading a wikipedia article (i know as a PhD candidate i should not be reading wikipedia) and your own entries, it seems to describe my ex to the core. It also seems to describe her father...an odd fellow, has brain tumors and definite mental illness but doesnt want to go to the doctor for fear it will change his perception of art. she also has hashimotos syndrome, a thyroid disorder, which she used to take medication for but has since stopped for a year. I dont understand how these people can openly use all kinds of drugs, but wont go to the doctor to get a simple prescription

[Downtown]

To clarify my PhD is in Economic History, haha so i have no backing of experience in Psychology or Mental health issues.

This means that, like me, you are unable to diagnose your exGF's issues. That is, you're unable to determine if her BPD/bipolar symptoms are so severe and persistent that they satisfy 100% of the criteria for having full-blown BPD or bipolar.

 

This does not imply, however, that you are unable to spot the warning signs for these two disorders. There is nothing subtle or nuanced about symptoms such as mania, lack of impulse control, and rapid flips between adoring you and devaluing you. Indeed, you would have to be blind, deaf, and dumb to not see such warning signs when dating a young woman for four years.

 

Before you graduated high school, you already could identify the selfish and very grandiose classmates -- without knowing how to diagnose Narcissistic PD. You could identify the class drama queen -- without being able to determine whether the behavior was strong enough to constitute full-blown Histrionic PD. Likewise, you could spot the kids having no respect for laws or other peoples' property or feelings -- without diagnosing Antisocial PD. And you could recognize the very shy and over-sensitive classmates -- without knowing how to diagnose Avoidant PD. Similarly, you will be able to spot strong BPD traits when they occur.

 

As to your being an economist, keep in mind that econ and psych are sister fields in the science of human behavior. One major difference, however, is that psychology lags 80 to 100 years behind economics and further still behind the hard sciences (e.g., the medical field). With regard to personality disorders, psychology is still in the rudimentary stage of doing regression analysis to find "associations" between variables. Yet, because these associated variables both may be caused by a third unknown factor, psychologists are unable to say anything definitive about causation. This is why their papers on PDs invariably conclude that the results "strongly suggest" or "indicate" something.

 

In contrast, economic research starts out with a testable hypothesis (i.e., theory that logically explains causation) and then empirically determines whether it is consistent with observed reality (or experimental results in the case of experimental economics). Indeed, the reputable economic journals will not publish a study that finds correlation results without first offering a plausible explanation for those results. It may be many more decades before psychology attains this level of scientific analysis with regard to personality disorders. Hence, in this sense, you are stepping back in time when momentarily putting your econ aside to read about psychology.

 

It does seem as if she has BPD.

Perhaps so. But you have mentioned several behaviors that are contra-indications of a person having strong BPD traits. One is your statement that you had a wonderful four years with her and then she suddenly changed. As you said, "My girlfriend of 4 years woke up one day hating the world." Although some authorities claim late-onset is a possibility, it is extremely rare (if it ever happens at all).

 

Typically, BPD arises from damage to the emotional core before a child is five years old -- and the symptoms start showing very strongly during the early teens when hormones are raging and the teen is trying to establish lasting relationships outside the family. These symptoms then typically get a little milder in the late teens, at which point the severity of symptoms levels out until the mid-forties (when they start to diminish a little more).

 

It therefore is extremely unlikely, IMO, that a young woman who suffered such emotional damage in early childhood would show no signs of it for four years in her late teens -- the very time of her life when such traits should be at their very worst. With bipolar, however, this onset of dysfunctional behavior at 20 is very common. As to her mood swings being "varied and within hours," this might be explained by "hyper rapid cycling" attributable to bipolar-1. Although it is rare (an incidence of 1% or less in the general population), it is possible. My foster son does hyper rapid cycling -- exhibiting wild mood swings every 15 minutes -- but this occurs only when he is transitioning from severe mania into psychosis.

 

My ex didn't have a maturity issue....

This statement is your second contra-indication of BPD. If she is a BPDer (i.e., has strong BPD traits), she likely experienced a trauma in early childhood that froze her emotional development at the level of a 4 year old. Granted, this may be hard to believe when you meet a BPDer having the intelligence, knowledge, cunning, and body strength of a full grown woman. Indeed, many high functioning BPDers excel in very demanding fields such as psychology, medicine, teaching, and the performing arts. Yet, as soon as someone tries to draw close to them in a LTR, their emotional immaturity will become apparent. Like any four year old, a BPDer will exhibit temper tantrums (or icy sulking), abandonment fears, and emotional instability.

 

Now she is drinking heavily, doing alot of drugs, and selling them with her new boyfriend.

The two most common causes of mood instability are not bipolar and BPD but, rather, drug abuse and hormone changes (e.g., puberty, pregnancy, or perimenopause). Generally, professionals are loath to diagnose a personality disorder or bipolar disorder until the client has first managed to stop abusing drugs. The reason is that it is difficult, if not impossible, to determine causality. Because female BPD/bipolar suffers lack impulse control, a large share of them (66%) also have a substance use disorder. Moreover, most drug abusers exhibit the instability that is characteristic of BPD and bipolar. It therefore is extremely difficult to determine whether the drug abuse is causing the BPD/bipolar symptoms or vice versa.

 

On top of all this she has been so mean and rude to me...posting deep secrets about me online, calling me names. I dont understand how someone changes so fast.

If she actually does have strong BPD traits, this rapid flip from Jekyll (adoring you) to Hyde (hating you) would be easy to explain. As I discuss at one of the posts cited above, this black-white thinking is one of the hallmarks of BPD behavior. Yet, as I just discussed above, such BPD symptoms also are commonly exhibited by drug abusers. The main difference is that, with drug abusers, those symptoms will end when they get off drugs. With BPDers, however, it will take years of intensive therapy -- from a professional trained in treating them -- to learn how to control their own emotions.

 

What's the deal hanging out with high schoolers!! i mean 17 and 16 year olds...and going on campus to hang with them. Its weird.

No, not weird for a drug abuser. Nor is it weird for a woman having the emotional development of a four year old. (I nonetheless remain very skeptical you are describing persistent BPDer behavior, for reasons expressed above.)

 

To give light on who she was before this break, we were both yoga practitioners and she was a deeply involved buddhist.

Again, this strange behavior would be easy to explain if she were a BPDer. It is common for BPDers to become intensely involved in religions, hobbies, or other pursuits for a while and then suddenly jump to another activity entirely. Similarly, it is common for a BPDer to perfectly comfortable around a wide variety of people (e.g., hanging out with drug users and young teenagers).

 

The reason is that a BPDer has such a weak sense of who she is that, in order to fit in and be accepted, she has spent a lifetime of emulating the personality characteristics of whatever person she wants to be with at that moment. BPDers seek out people with strong, stable personalities who will give them a sense of direction and help to ground them. Yet, this does not imply your Ex is a BPDer because, as I noted, it is common for drug abusers to exhibit this mirroring behavior (but for a different reason having to do with manipulation).

Edited July 6, 2014 by Downtown

[61IMPALA]

I dont feel as if (initially) i was allowing for her ill treatment to happen. I felt that we communicated well at first, and our issues were sorted out quickly. But yes, it soon became different...She would post her problems online for the world to see instead of just talking them out with me.

 

The more i research the more i understand BPD and perhaps it is what my ex suffers from. To reiterate i am hurt and confused...i feel as if i am now accepting of the fact that she is gone and most likely never coming back, and that my belongings are gone as well...I just found it interesting to communicate to people who may have a better knowledge of the situation than myself.

 

It turns out she did not move, and is still with her teenage boyfriend...so she is still in the area.

 

I imagine the drug usage only makes whatever issues she has far worse.

[61IMPALA]

and the wearing of my clothes still confuses me and alarms me

[FitnessRN]

and the wearing of my clothes still confuses me and alarms me

 

 

 

Contact the police and go in there with them to get your stuff!

[Keenly]

Stay the hell away from this toxic mess. Erase her from your mind.

 

 

Look the neurolizer dead in the face.

[61IMPALA]

Is it healthy to use anger as a way of relinquishing the yearning for her to come back? I mean....to meditate on the issues of the wrongdoings she has done and use that as a reasoning method as to why i am better off without her? or is it wiser to be completely refrained from any thought of her? which is extremely hard.

 

Obviously i would not use my anger, but use the negative aspects she has now displayed as a way for me to cope with the loss

[Downtown]

Is it healthy to use anger as a way of relinquishing the yearning for her to come back?

My view is that, yes, it can be very helpful to use anger -- like a crutch -- to enable oneself to walk away from a toxic relationship and to heal. Then, a year or two later when we are safely removed from the situation, we can kick that crutch aside because it is no longer needed and will only be damaging if we continue to carry it. There is a reason why anger is one of the primitive ego defenses we all are born with. Used properly, it can quickly motivate us to take action to protect ourselves. Indeed, if you are an excessive caregiver like me, nursing your anger may be the only thing that will prevent you from eventually taking her back and reestablishing the toxic relationship.

 

I also agree that doing so is "healthy," as you say. Given your "caregiver" nature, you likely have difficulty establishing firm personal boundaries -- with the result that you have difficulty telling where "your problems" leave off and those of your Ex begin. That is, your empathy is so great that you will be so sensitive to her pain that you will take little notice of the pain and abuse she is inflicting on you.

 

Significantly, as long as you focus only on the good aspects of the relationship, your enmeshment with her feelings and her problems will only grow stronger. Yet, by keeping in touch with your righteous anger, you can more easily establish strong personal boundaries and enforce them. This, of course, is why righteous anger can be such a protective ego defense when used appropriately.

 

I mean....to meditate on the issues of the wrongdoings she has done and use that as a reasoning method as to why i am better off without her?

The human condition is that experiencing intense feelings distorts our perception of other peoples' intentions and motivations. This is why, by the time we start high school, we all realize that our judgment goes out the window whenever we get angry. And this is why -- even during our teens -- we try hard to keep our mouths shut, and our fingers off the keys, until we have time to cool down. I therefore am reluctant to advocate nursing one's own anger as a way of enhancing "reasoning."

 

Anger, however, is not the only intense feeling that impairs our ability to reason. As we all know too well, the intense feelings of love, loyalty, and infatuation can blind us to the truth just as much as anger. Of course, this is why we men try to wait a year or two before buying the ring.

 

What you really are asking, then, is NOT whether holding onto the anger will enhance your reasoning. By itself, clearly anger will distort your perceptions, not enhance them. Instead, you are asking whether nursing an intense negative feeling (anger) may serve to offset or dampen a powerful positive feeling (love and sentimentality), with the result of reducing your overall intensity of feelings -- thereby allowing you to reason more clearly. The answer to that question, in my experience, is "Yes." So, again, I encourage you to hold onto your righteous anger for a year or so -- until you are safely away and feel no temptation to reestablish the toxic relationship.

[Quiet Storm]

Again, this strange behavior would be easy to explain if she were a BPDer. It is common for BPDers to become intensely involved in religions, hobbies, or other pursuits for a while and then suddenly jump to another activity entirely. Similarly, it is common for a BPDer to perfectly comfortable around a wide variety of people (e.g., hanging out with drug users and young teenagers).

 

So true. Depending on who she was dating at the time, my BPD sister has been a born again Christian, a Buddhist, a soccer mom, a Rastafarian, bisexual, a Rave club kid, a Renaissance festival peasant, a stoner beach bum, etc.

[61IMPALA]

I guess the hard part for me now, is trying to vanquish 4 fruitful happy years out of my memory. It was a great relationship until a flip of the switch at the end.

Its hard to see why her new bf is a high schooler 5 years younger than us...and he is opposite of what she described she was attracted to. He is dropping out of HS, a drug user and seller, doesnt really bathe, has tattoos. I dont wanna rip on the guy, but it was a shot in the dark...even for her close friends and family.

 

Coping with that, and my "generous to a fault" demeanor make this hard, as i do become too empathetic and feel her problems are mine...but i guess with time this wears off.

 

almost feels like my gf died. Thats what i can relate it too. Because what she is now is a totally different person ive never seen before.

[Downtown]

....almost feels like my gf died.

Yes, that's how I felt too -- as though my exW had died and I was grieving a death. Except that it worse in that you feel like you're watching her die right in front of you and cannot do a thing about it.

 

In my case, I felt like I had been watching her struggling to stay afloat only five feet away from my position on a boat dock. I kept yelling for her to take my hand so I could pull her to safety. Tragically, almost all BPDers like my exW will refuse to grab your hand even while they are drowning. The problem is not that they can't see your outstretched hand or hear your voice. Rather, the problem is that they are incapable of trusting you to do what you are promising to do. For the same reason, nearly all BPDers fail miserably in therapy. They cannot trust the therapists.