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Should dumper ever apologize to the dumpee?


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SoThatHappened

I broke it off with a girl I'd been with for a long time. This was about a year ago. She's not the ex that sent me here. That girl is a whole other story :o

 

Question is, should a dumper send an apology to the dumpee after enough time has passed? I feel really bad about the way I ended it. Don't want to get back together, just want things to be civil if we ever run into each other.

 

The story of the prior ex:

 

We were living together for 3 years after starting the relationship 3 years before. She moved into my house from an apartment.

 

We were just fundamentally different. She was an only child and didn't know what "no" meant. I had my issues too. Wasn't the most loveable person, but mainly because it felt like I was being her "dad" more than I was being her partner. We were close, though. High school sweethearts, on an off in our 20's as we moved away to college, etc. We've known each other half of our lives. We're both in our early 30's now.

 

She wouldn't help out with the mortgage or other bills, and when she wanted a new vehicle, I wanted to help her find a good used one instead. That wasn't good enough for her. So, I told her if she can afford a brand new vehicle, she can start helping out with the mortgage and other bills. Nope, she bought the new vehicle and still didn't help out (other than buy groceries and cook and clean, for which I was very appreciative). She had/has a decent-paying job.

 

Everything that I was against her buying, she bought anyway. She's not a bad person AT ALL, I just felt like she'd never grow up. I felt like I was the only source of her happiness, she was not optimistic or strong. I had to provide happiness and be strong for both of us... it was draining me.

 

I wasn't trying to be controlling, I just wanted a partner and wanted her to meet me halfway instead of always getting what she wants. Again, she deserved more from me on the emotional side of things for sure.

 

For over a year, probably a year and a half, I tried breaking it off half a dozen times. Tried talking to her rationally, broke down in front of her one time, begged her to let me go another time. I tried over and over. She just wouldn't leave, even after I told her how unhappy I was. I was miserable. Dreaded going home. I just wanted out. Even thought of moving out of my own house. I know it sounds crazy but she literally would not accept that I was trying to break up nor would she leave. I was at the end of my rope. Health and job were suffering.

 

So, I left a letter asking her to leave when I was going to be out of town for a few days. I thought, maybe if I wasn't physically there, she would get it. I didn't know if it would work, but it did. She finally left. Not how I wanted it to go down, but I tried so many times before to break it off and nothing else worked. The letter wasn't mean, but it did explain my feelings and I begged her to leave me alone at the end of the letter so we could move on and be healthier.

 

We haven't spoken or contacted each other in any way since. I know she was devastated, I know her family and friends were very mad at what I did.

 

Do I send a letter or email apologizing for what I did? I really want to let go of this guilt. I tried to do things the right way... I tried. I just hate that it went down to her coming home to a letter asking her to leave and to do it over a weekend. I can't imagine how much that probably devastated her. I don't want her to live with thinking I hate her, and I want us to be civil when/if we do run into each other.

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I honestly don't see what you have to apologize for.

You sounded very incompatible and so you ended it. You tried in person and she would not leave.

I don't blame you for being upset about the car and things like that, when you are a team you make big decisions together, she wasn't a team player and wanted to do what she wanted.

 

I would just leave it be to be honest. You don't sound bad at all.

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I don't think you should reach out to her unless you know for sure that you will be around each other again in the near future. It's important to move on, not get dragged back into the past. Let her go even if she was mad at you.

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I don't see a point in contacting her either.

 

You are exes. No one expects you to be civil to her or judges you

for not being that way.

 

I may be too extrem, bbut I don't communicate with none of my ex partners.

 

I say hello to only one, with whom I had an amicable breakup.

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I find it a bit sad that you couldn't just put your foot down and break things off. Instead of "trying" for a year and a half. Of course she cant accept it, most dumpees cant accept that they are being dumped. In the future be more firm and stand your ground.

 

contacting her is going to cause her more pain. Dont do it.

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Ordinaryday

if you have no intention of getting back with them then any apology will just come across as condescending and breadcrumbs and you easing your conscience, regardless of how genuine it actually is.

 

I have had a few dumpers 'apologise' to me, while making it clear they DON'T want me back, and it always annoyed me, I thought "why contact me with a halfassed apology, especially when you dont even want me back?"

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The short answer is "No".

 

If you feel guilty about what you did that is your problem, and you'll need to learn to live with it. Don't expect her to assuage your guilt.

 

However, from what you say you tried your best and it didn't work. Mainly, it seems, because she wasn't listening.

 

I think you should stop beating yourself up over this and move on to something better.

 

Good Luck.

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I think that most dumpees don't care at a certain point, especially if it's been this long since the breakup. The apology is for you to ease your guilt, not to help her. You may think it would help her, but I am sure she doesn't care and might even upset her at this point to hear from you again.

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haribogumsnickers

No need to apologize if your letter already did that. During your R, you weren't completely there emotionally for her as you said and she wasn't contributing financially with the bills. Things didn't work itself out. Leaving things as it is now will be the civil thing to do. Don't feel guilty for not staying in an unhappy R.

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SoThatHappened
I don't think you should reach out to her unless you know for sure that you will be around each other again in the near future. It's important to move on, not get dragged back into the past. Let her go even if she was mad at you.

 

Her and I live in the same city. Mid-sized city, maybe 600k people. Our parents both live in a small city, less than 10k, and they live a mile away. Her parents stopped waving and saying 'hi' to my parents, even though they had nothing to do with what I did. Just don't want others to suffer...

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SoThatHappened
I find it a bit sad that you couldn't just put your foot down and break things off. Instead of "trying" for a year and a half. Of course she cant accept it, most dumpees cant accept that they are being dumped. In the future be more firm and stand your ground.

 

contacting her is going to cause her more pain. Dont do it.

 

I absolutely will NOT contact her if I knew it would cause more pain.

 

I know it sounds insane... I did everything I could to breakup sans putting my foot down, maybe. Don't have it in me to hurt people. I'm a people pleaser and put others' feelings before mine. Gets me in more trouble than I care to admit.

 

You're absolutely right. Did NOT want to hurt her, but just wanted out so we could heal and find happiness. She loved me, and I loved and love her. Spent half of our lives together.

 

I will definitely be more firm in the future, although I hope that never happens again. Just want to live and let live, and not hold grudges.

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SoThatHappened
The short answer is "No".

 

If you feel guilty about what you did that is your problem, and you'll need to learn to live with it. Don't expect her to assuage your guilt.

 

However, from what you say you tried your best and it didn't work. Mainly, it seems, because she wasn't listening.

 

I think you should stop beating yourself up over this and move on to something better.

 

Good Luck.

 

I do feel guilty.... I'll just learn to live with it. I don't want to hurt her just to release my guilt. I did try my best, just wasn't good enough. Can't stop beating myself up over it... ugh.

 

Thank you for the kind words and advice, really.

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SoThatHappened
Stop looking for reasons to send her breadcrumbs. Leave her be.

 

10-4. Seems to be the right thing to do.

 

Just don't want to hold onto pain/guilt/regret and "hate" each other because we weren't compatible as a couple. Would rather move on and be able to see each other without the pain/guilt/anger/feelings.

 

The odds of us bumping into each other or at least seeing each other at a wedding/funeral/whatever are pretty good. Plus, as I said earlier, our parents live a mile away from each other in a small town. A town we both return to probably once every couple months.

 

I just want to move on. I'm sorry for how I ended it, I don't want to hurt her, and I don't want other bystanders (our family/friends) to have to feel uncomfortable around each other.

 

I will also try to not be the person who ignores everyone's good advice. As much as I want to apologize and clear the air, I do not want to hurt her.

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I do feel guilty.... I'll just learn to live with it. I don't want to hurt her just to release my guilt. I did try my best, just wasn't good enough. Can't stop beating myself up over it... ugh.

 

Thank you for the kind words and advice, really.

 

For what it's worth, I don't think apologizing will relieve your guilt. If she even answered you and accepted the apology, you might feel a high for a few days, but you really have to forgive yourself over time. Everyone is going through their own experience, and you have to work through forgiving yourself over time.

 

I think forgiveness is personal for the dumper and the dumpee and doesn't have much bearing on the other person. It's for you in the end. After being dumped, I blamed myself almost entirely for months, so I had to learn how to forgive myself. I've had moments where I forgave my ex for certain things, but it's really a decision you have to keep making. Mostly, I don't want to forgive him just yet. I haven't made it there.

 

I'm saying all this to let you know that forgiveness is a complicated process that takes time and self-reflection. Forgiving yourself and the other person isn't accomplished by you saying sorry and her accepting an apology.

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10-4. Seems to be the right thing to do.

 

Just don't want to hold onto pain/guilt/regret and "hate" each other because we weren't compatible as a couple. Would rather move on and be able to see each other without the pain/guilt/anger/feelings.

 

The odds of us bumping into each other or at least seeing each other at a wedding/funeral/whatever are pretty good. Plus, as I said earlier, our parents live a mile away from each other in a small town. A town we both return to probably once every couple months.

 

I just want to move on. I'm sorry for how I ended it, I don't want to hurt her, and I don't want other bystanders (our family/friends) to have to feel uncomfortable around each other.

 

I will also try to not be the person who ignores everyone's good advice. As much as I want to apologize and clear the air, I do not want to hurt her.

 

Like I said in my previous post, you have this false idea that by saying you are sorry, you can fix all of the perceived wrongs of the past and steer clear of any awkward situations in the future. You mentioned it not being awkward if you see her, your parents seeing her parents, you want to move on, clear the air. Honestly, You apologizing isn't going to magically fix all of this. I think you've created a scenario in your head of how you would like things to look, but the reality is that people and circumstances change over time.

 

I know that one of the last things I told my ex was that I forgave him, but, after months of NC, I realized that wasn't really true. So I'm sure it would be really awkward to see him today, and I still have some anger for him. It's just part of life. If she hates you, so be it. You'll never know, and it honestly doesn't need to concern you. You can only control yourself, and I think wanting to apologize is symptomatic of some false sense of closure you seek for whatever reason.

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  • 1 month later...
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SoThatHappened

It's really been on my mind again lately. I read a few of your threads, BC, and we seem to have a very similar story, although I was the dumper in this case.

 

I do have a scenario in my head where she accepts the apology, we move on like adults, and everyone is civil (us, our parents, etc.)

 

I also feel that it may not be the case. It may hurt her and/or hurt me.

 

Ugh, it just bugs me so much that I had to end it the way I did. I did it for both of us. We weren't compatible, and we were wasting each other's time. Although, she didn't see it that way. I just couldn't go on being the only strong one and feeling like more of a father than a partner.

 

Instead, I had to be the bad guy...

 

I'll just live with it until hopefully something changes.

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It's really been on my mind again lately. I read a few of your threads, BC, and we seem to have a very similar story, although I was the dumper in this case.

 

I do have a scenario in my head where she accepts the apology, we move on like adults, and everyone is civil (us, our parents, etc.)

 

I also feel that it may not be the case. It may hurt her and/or hurt me.

 

Ugh, it just bugs me so much that I had to end it the way I did. I did it for both of us. We weren't compatible, and we were wasting each other's time. Although, she didn't see it that way. I just couldn't go on being the only strong one and feeling like more of a father than a partner.

 

Instead, I had to be the bad guy...

 

I'll just live with it until hopefully something changes.

 

I bolded the part about your ex not seeing the breakup in the same way you do because that is the core of the problem when wanting to apologize for breaking up with someone. Neither party sees it the same way, and neither party can force their version on the other. My ex said he was doing me a favor and something to the effect of me being able to find a better match. I didn't see it that way at all, and I still don't. That's not to say his point is valid, but it's valid for him. At the risk of getting too woo woo, is there really a universal truth after a breakup? I'm talking about a breakup where there was no cheating or abuse involved. There was no clear cut, black and white reason to breakup up.

 

So many people want to apologize (dumper and dumpee), and I've even felt the need myself. People also want to set the record straight to the other party. We each want the other person to accept our version of events, but the fact is that you have your own version of how things went down and the reasons behind them. You mention that you want everyone to move on and be civil, but what if her version of that is different? Maybe continued NC, on her part, is what she desires and how she has made peace with it? You can't dictate how she should move on from this or what is right for her.

 

I still think there's been far too much time elapsed to issues any sort of apology. I think most of the reasons for you wanting to apologize have to do with how you think it will make you feel. There's nothing wrong with that, but the fact remains that we usually choose to do what is in our own self interests without even realizing it. She is possibly staying away from you because she feels that is what is in her best interest. I doubt she would welcome any contact, especially in the form of an apology so much later.

 

Anyway, these are just suggestions from someone who was dumped, so I can only give my take on it. I can only tell you what I would feel like if my ex apologized to me. I would likely ignore the email and not even read it, and, if I did read it, I would feel some resentment that he had the nerve to show up in my life again in any capacity.

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I just read your initial post, and I want to ask you what exactly do you feel the need to be sorry for?

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I'm having some trouble envisioning the apology being something other than a version of:

 

"Sorry to have dumped you the way I did, but you wouldn't listen."

 

This is, of course, a justification, not an apology.

 

Maybe you could run it by us, and we could chime with something more helpful than

 

"No, don't do it."

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I'm having some trouble envisioning the apology being something other than a version of:

 

"Sorry to have dumped you the way I did, but you wouldn't listen."

 

This is, of course, a justification, not an apology.

 

Maybe you could run it by us, and we could chime with something more helpful than

 

"No, don't do it."

 

Maybe he could write it out but don't send it?

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SoThatHappened
I just read your initial post, and I want to ask you what exactly do you feel the need to be sorry for?

For kicking her out with a letter. I tried every which way I thought of, but nothing worked. I was losing my mind. Feel like such a coward for kicking her out and making her do it so quickly.

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SoThatHappened

mightycpa,

 

In my mind the apology would be for treating her like crap when I was trying to break up (tried about 3 times in the last month, after 3 prior tries). I realize I wasn't being the best boyfriend and I wasn't very understanding. It was hard because, as I said, I felt like I was trying to raise her and teach her more than I wanted to with my partner.

 

It would be along the lines of:

 

"You didn't deserve what I did to you. You have every right to hate me. We were having troubles and you admitted that I was trying to break up with you for a while, but what I did was cowardly and uncalled for.

 

I'm sorry for being an unemotional boyfriend. I'm sorry for the way I handled just about everything. Took me long enough to realize, but things finally hit me. I was wrong in how I treated you and how I ended it... and I know it."

 

That would be the gist I guess...

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SoThatHappened

A lot of stuff I'd like to get to in your post #19, BC, once I can process it...

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