Trust Issues with girlfriend...

[SamsonA]

First off I just want to say I've looked through a few threads before making an account and I am really pleased with not only the maturity but the insight of the responses. Anyways I hope this isn't too long:

 

I've been dating a girl for about 4years(both 23). She grew up in the same town as me and we met during summer break after our first year of college, so she lives near me but goes to school about 5hours away. She's a very sweet and funny girl. About a year ago we broke up for 6weeks or so. I ended it because I was going through some problems(I have anxiety/depression and was overworking myself). It was stupid on my part, but I got help and told her it was a mistake ending things. While we were broken up she hooked up a few times with a guy at her school, but ended it when I came back into the picture. Though they stopped getting together she stayed friends with him which I said was okay seeing as I had ended it and she said they were just friends.

 

Fast forward to six months ago and things were going well for the most part. She invited me to go somewhere with her college friends one weekend so I did. She asked me to set something up on her phone at some point and while I did so a text popped up from the guy that read "Sorry I couldnt make it this weekend." (I wasn't snooping, I hate that stuff). When i asked her about it she cried and said she invited me after he said he couldn't go but only cause her friends knew him more. I told her it was okay, but to be honest with me next time. I also told her to let me know if he makes a move cause he seems to still have feeling for her.

 

All was well and then a recently she did something else. She told me she went with friends to the city and that he tagged along. Her friend who supposedly went had told me she didn't go(during a conversation about our weekends). When I asked my girlfriend about it she cried again saying she went with the guy and his cousin/cousins wife. She didn't tell me cause she knew I'd get mad. During our talk I found out a few things. They message daily and he does have feelings for her but my gf said she didnt think much of it till now. She says I mean more to her than he does but I dont get why you would hurt someone you love by lying and being close with someone who makes them uncomfortable/hooked up with. Also they did get together one more time while we were fixing things in our breakup but she said that was it. So here are my Qs:

 

-Am I overreacting? Is it fair that I lost trust in her?

-Anyone else have a similar incident?

-Part of me wants to just end it now but does that seem premature?

 

I thank you all for your insight as I know it's a long read. I appreciate any advice given and if anyone is confused about something I'd gladly explain it.

 

Think I may have put this in the wrong section. Is it okay to leave it here or should I repost it in the general relationship section?

Edited June 12, 2014 by SamsonA

[todreaminblue]

honestly , i think you have to trust her for what else can you really do,she seems to care how you feel and it upsets her to lie by omission but honestly if i told everything that happens to me to a partner, he would be a wreck......soprt of defeats a purpose of having a partner who feels relaxed around you.I dotn want a guy to stand up and feel obliged to defend me or my standing, which is probably wrong but if a guy were to get involved in any sort of argument on my behalf i feel a tremendous amount of guilt.....

 

i have ways of dealing with guys, i can actually look after myself, that come on to me if i am their friends if i am in a relationship i give them one chance to cease.....before that chance exists i introduce my partner to them as my partner if they disrespect me in any way when that partner isnt around me and they are, then they are disrespecting my relationship me and my partner which is a triple threat and i give them one chance....

 

most if the guys i have been out with have remained friends with me, if i am off the market in relationship wise or interested in some they dont have a chance other than friendship, my male friends know this.......I have pretyt supportive male friends though and exes who want to see me happy doubt they would jepordize my happiness, because they know when i am happy i am at peace.....if they do as i said....i deal with it i dotn need a boyfriend or partner to worry adn incite feelings of jealousy because he need not be......he can trust me, if he doesnt, he doesnt know me at all......if a guy were to touch me up in frotn of him i would expect him to be a bit pissed and say something that would be some strange guy not my friends, they wouldnt have the guts to do it to me in front of my partner whoever he may be, not because of my partner but because of me and i wouldnt be violent but they woudnt feel too tall, nor would they remain my friend...i abhor any from of violence however and would step in if my partner were about to attempt anything where he might end up with bruises...i prefer honestly to walk away arm in arm with him smiling calm and confident seeing he has no worries with me....but thats me......

 

 

i think you have to meet the guy in a controlled environment, i am good at control...so if your gf wants male friends she has to learn to be seen as strong asa male in personality as well....we all need to step up to men as women soemtimes who put us down .....its not easy but necessary..i am a feminine woman.....but that can change........ and he needs to know she is taken and back off..i wish you all the best do not let a guy disrespect your relationship or let yourgf allow it.....but be civil and calm confident is key.....trust is key to be confident..deb

[SamsonA]

Thank you for your reply and insight! The problem is after her lying I have a hard time trusting her. I agree its possible to be friends with an ex, but I feel they both have broken my boundary of comfort. I have met him in person at parties but he avoids making eye contact with me and talking to me. Also he knows we're dating which makes me think he doesnt respect the relationship and I feel its her job to not allow him to do that. Thanks again for the reply. You seem like a very strong person when it comes to relationships

[H245]

I will try my best to give some decent advice here. I am usually terrible at this

 

-Am I overreacting? Is it fair that I lost trust in her?

 

I would like to think that it's normal to have your trust shaken up. She hooked up with a guy while you were broken up. You guys are now giving it a second chance and she has this guy around still. If she wanted this to work, you would think she would get rid of this guy and focus on you.

 

She invited this guy first to a weekend away over you after you got back together...something doesn't seem right there.

 

Then she lied to you about who she was out with. After you asked her to be honest with you. That's another red flag. Why did she have to lie about her whereabouts?

 

This guy has feelings for her and she is probably enjoying the attention from both you and him. This is probably why she is keeping him around.

 

-Anyone else have a similar incident?

 

I had a similar issue with my ex when we tried a FOURTH time (long story). She had slept with another man right after we broke up and was consistently hanging out with one of her ex's. We decided to get back together after a month apart. She was upfront about what she did while we weren't together. I asked her to please stop contact with them while we worked on us. She was reluctant for about a month until she finally decided to do it and blocked them on FB and their numbers. Why was she so reluctant to do so? It really shook my faith in her even after the other shady things she did to me. I was a fool and we still ended up breaking up a month ago sadly, but I digress....

 

-Part of me wants to just end it now but does that seem premature?

 

If you feel you can't trust her, it's all downhill from here. That's just my opinion. This is a second chance at it and she's acting kinda shady. I dealt with this 4 times in one year with the same girl and let her walk all over me. Please don't let it happen to you too. If you really love her and she loves you, sit down and talk with her and let her know how you feel about this other man being in the picture. If you guys cannot compromise, you may need to walk away.

 

I hope everything works out for you.

 

I'm sure others on here will have better advice. I hope I did a decent job at this advice giving and that it made sense.

Edited June 12, 2014 by H245

[2sunny]

She keeps going away with him without your knowledge? Yes, she's being sneaky and lying to you - and only discloses after you discover her actions - that's a gal that's dating two men.

 

The fact that she didn't tell you she's also working him over isn't one bit nice.

 

Is that the kind of gal you want? It's who she is.

[SamsonA]

I will try my best to give some decent advice here. I am usually terrible at this

 

 

 

I would like to think that it's normal to have your trust shaken up. She hooked up with a guy while you were broken up. You guys are now giving it a second chance and she has this guy around still. If she wanted this to work, you would think she would get rid of this guy and focus on you.

 

She invited this guy first to a weekend away over you after you got back together...something doesn't seem right there.

 

Then she lied to you about who she was out with. After you asked her to be honest with you. That's another red flag. Why did she have to lie about her whereabouts?

 

This guy has feelings for her and she is probably enjoying the attention from both you and him. This is probably why she is keeping him around.

 

 

 

I had a similar issue with my ex when we tried a FOURTH time (long story). She had slept with another man right after we broke up and was consistently hanging out with one of her ex's. We decided to get back together after a month apart. She was upfront about what she did while we weren't together. I asked her to please stop contact with them while we worked on us. She was reluctant for about a month until she finally decided to do it and blocked them on FB and their numbers. Why was she so reluctant to do so? It really shook my faith in her even after the other shady things she did to me. I was a fool and we still ended up breaking up a month ago sadly, but I digress....

 

 

 

If you feel you can't trust her, it's all downhill from here. That's just my opinion. This is a second chance at it and she's acting kinda shady. I dealt with this 4 times in one year with the same girl and let her walk all over me. Please don't let it happen to you too. If you really love her and she loves you, sit down and talk with her and let her know how you feel about this other man being in the picture. If you guys cannot compromise, you may need to walk away.

 

I hope everything works out for you.

 

I'm sure others on here will have better advice. I hope I did a decent job at this advice giving and that it made sense.

 

H245-Your message was very helpful. I was thinking similar stuff. Part of me felt that she enjoys the attention from this guy, but it just seems so out of character I didnt want to believe it. Sorry to hear you went through some rough stuff yourself. I definitely need to take your advice about everything seeing how you've been through it before. If you dont mind me asking did things between your ex and the guy stop after you talked?

 

You need to break things off with her, now. Your story is typical. Girlfriend has male ex she is now just "friends" with. You catch her lying about her whereabouts, but you are supposed to believe her when she says nothing is going on between the two of them? You allowed this sort of thing to happen when you said you were cool with her keeping this guy in her life. if I were you, I would break things off with her, and as a reason, I would say that I don't date liars, and I definitely don't date cheaters. Since she is obviously both, she needs to get lost.

 

I'm sorry this happened to you. It's a shame, because you did trust her, and this is what she did to you as a result. You're young, you'll find someone better, someone honest, and someone faithful.

 

I appreciate your honesty. It's hard for me to call her a cheater because I don't see her as being the type and no proof she actually has cheated, but I understand that maybe I'm being a bit naive about the whole situation. I'm really struggling right now. I don't have much confidence to begin with and here is someone who seemed to genuinely love me for 4years and all this happens the past 6months. That last part of your message also means a lot. It's hard to tell myself that when most relationships(both friendly and romantic) are hard to hold onto these past few years.

 

She keeps going away with him without your knowledge? Yes, she's being sneaky and lying to you - and only discloses after you discover her actions - that's a gal that's dating two men.

 

The fact that she didn't tell you she's also working him over isn't one bit nice.

 

Is that the kind of gal you want? It's who she is.

 

I completely agree with all of you and it means a lot you took the time to reply to me. One last request. I tend to melt whenever she's crying and though I know I shouldn't feel bad I still do. Does anyone have advice on how to go through with it anyway? I mean to see someone you've really loved crying like that is hard and it makes me feel bad, but when it needs to get done how do you prepare yourself to end it?

[SamsonA]

I know it's easy to get sucked back into things when you care about the person, I've been there. You spent years doing your best to make sure she never had a reason to cry, and now you're the reason she's crying. In reality, you're not the reason she's crying, her actions are.

 

When she started seeing that other guy behind your back, and that's what she's doing, seeing another guy, do you think she had your feelings in mind? No. If she did, she never would have done so. Even though she did this to you, you still care about her feelings. This is because you love her, right? Yet, when it was time for her to consider your feelings, she only considered her own, over and over each time she met with that other guy. What does this say about her?

 

My theory on making relationships work is this; always put the feelings of your significant other before you own. There is but one fault in this theory, and that is for it to work, the person you're with has to feel the same way. Your girlfriend only has her own feelings in mind.

 

The lying is what has killed your relationship. Once you start catching on to the lies, you start to question everything else they say. Now that you start to question what they say, you are going to find even more lies. Trust me, I know. I was married to a pathological liar. If there is one thing I know, it's how to deal with liars.

 

I've always felt like she was the only person for me because I was able to be myself around her and she seemed to genuinely care for me. It's hard to think that maybe that wasn't the case. Thank you for your insight and I'm sorry to hear about the hard times you've been through. I'm going to see her sometime in the next few days and I'll be sure to talk to her about everything. Thanks for the help everyone.

[umirano]

She's not the only person for you. That's normal to think when you're in love, which you probably are. But objectively you know really well that she isn't the only one. You were fine without her before you even knew her. And if she broke up with you, you'd be still alive and fine in five years, you know that.

 

She isn't loyal and honest with you. It doesn't look like she's crazy about you. And I don't know why someone who isn't bat **** crazy about you is worth all your energy and dedication. Don't settle. You deserve better. You deserve someone who's head over heels into you.

 

Also, you are 23, broaden your experience. There are plenty of girls around, and you should learn more about them. Don't project your whole future and dreams onto one person. Esp. if you have all the signs that she may not be around for a very long time.

 

That girl isn't evil, but she's really not crazy about you. Cut your losses, and go meet some more girls. The right one will come.

Edited June 12, 2014 by umirano

[todreaminblue]

Thank you for your reply and insight! The problem is after her lying I have a hard time trusting her. I agree its possible to be friends with an ex, but I feel they both have broken my boundary of comfort. I have met him in person at parties but he avoids making eye contact with me and talking to me. Also he knows we're dating which makes me think he doesnt respect the relationship and I feel its her job to not allow him to do that. Thanks again for the reply. You seem like a very strong person when it comes to relationships

 

 

Just got off the phone to my recent ex as i write this an i have head some wonderful news ......he has a beach date this weekend with a really blonde hot chick with an american accent who would look great in a bikini and looks great in bike pants.......so he negged me good,said everythign i am not.....or would really want to be i am just me...... he did make me feel like dirt though........ i really do hope the date is true...... and i smile in hope....i have organised to help with his car tomorrow and will be with my sister when i do.......

 

 

i already told him that i had interest in another which is true i am single but i told him that we couldnt spend time together alone or him at my house for i wouldnt have any interest in pursuing anything with him my interest is elsewhere........if i am to enter a relationship in the future, because we had sexual contact i would not meet up with him at all i would allow him to call me when he needed to but there would be no face to face time......only emergencies i would consider taking a family member with me if i had a partner i would take him if he wanted to come would understand if he didnt....

 

 

when i am in a relationship my partner takes precedence ......over exes....and they know it.....so does normally ...the guy i am dating or seeing know that i can be trusted

 

 

 

you do have a problem here and i think that your gf to make you happy would choose to place you above her exes and definitely cease to have alone time or face to face contact with them if there was the possibility of a flame reigniting either one sided or mutually..... according to what you are comfortable with....it doesnt mean she cant be a friend it just means you have to take precautions.....and measures to ensure something doesnt happen that shouldnt...if you put yourself in a situation where you know the other partner would not be happy.....who is to blame?..you have to take responsibility and accept what you really want.....you have to choose....and i always choose the guy i am with.....

 

 

if you dont want to fan flames you dont play with fire...and its easy to fan flames.....with some exes....you just dont if you are in arelationship or the exes are.....i am not a fan of walking backwards............deb

[d0nnivain]

If you don't trust her, you don't have a relationship.

 

At this point the only facts you have are that she dated this guy when you were broken up & they are still friends. She continues to spend time with him & doesn't tell you about it. While that's not great, it's also not proof that she's cheating.

 

Have you met him? Have you met her college friends? Do they act wierd around you? If so it may be because she is cheating with this guy. On the other hand it may be that she doesn't tell you when she hangs out with him because she's afraid you will get upset.

 

You can dump her based on suspicion alone if you like but you could also get to the bottom of things. Spend time with her and him. If there's something going on, the won't want to do that. If there's nothing going on, only you know if you two have outgrown your relationship, which does happen.

[H245]

H245-Your message was very helpful. I was thinking similar stuff. Part of me felt that she enjoys the attention from this guy, but it just seems so out of character I didnt want to believe it. Sorry to hear you went through some rough stuff yourself. I definitely need to take your advice about everything seeing how you've been through it before. If you dont mind me asking did things between your ex and the guy stop after you talked?

 

Not at first. It took about a month because she was enjoying the attention. I told her she wanted her cake and eat it too and she admitted that was the case. I told her if we were take make this work one last time we needed to compromise and make certain sacrifices. Again, this was a FOURTH attempt so it was do or die for us. It wasn't until I almost lost it on her one night out when the guy texted her what she was up to that night that she finally blocked the person. Sadly because of that, my trust in her never came back. Feel free to read my other threads. Disclaimer: They are really long lol.

[Chi townD]

Sorry dude, but she's supposed to be in a relationship with you and yet, she continues to lie to you. I mean, she lied about a weekend away with friends, instead she goes on a weekend away ALONE with him to visit family. Umm....sorry? But, isn't she in a relationship with you? I guess the next thing you're going to tell me is that she told you NOTHING HAPPENED that weekend. Uh huh....right. If you believe that, then I got some oceanfront property to sell you in the middle of the desert.

 

 

Big red flag for me was when you said that she told you that you meant more to her than he does. Yet, that tells me he DOES mean something to her in one way or another.

 

 

Dude, there are more than one way to cheat on someone. They're broken down into PA (Physical Affair) and EA (Emotional Affair). She's definitely having an EA with this guy. She's emotionally invested. And she's probably having a PA with him due to her weekend away with him, alone! No prying eyes to get word back to you.

 

 

Dude, you need to walk away from this one. But, here's the rub, if you do, I guarantee you that they're going to become an item (so much for just being friends). So, it's going to be important for you to start NC (NO CONTACT) with her. Stay NC and start to make positive changes in your life.

[2sunny]

H245-Your message was very helpful. I was thinking similar stuff. Part of me felt that she enjoys the attention from this guy, but it just seems so out of character I didnt want to believe it. Sorry to hear you went through some rough stuff yourself. I definitely need to take your advice about everything seeing how you've been through it before. If you dont mind me asking did things between your ex and the guy stop after you talked?

 

 

 

I appreciate your honesty. It's hard for me to call her a cheater because I don't see her as being the type and no proof she actually has cheated, but I understand that maybe I'm being a bit naive about the whole situation. I'm really struggling right now. I don't have much confidence to begin with and here is someone who seemed to genuinely love me for 4years and all this happens the past 6months. That last part of your message also means a lot. It's hard to tell myself that when most relationships(both friendly and romantic) are hard to hold onto these past few years.

 

 

 

I completely agree with all of you and it means a lot you took the time to reply to me. One last request. I tend to melt whenever she's crying and though I know I shouldn't feel bad I still do. Does anyone have advice on how to go through with it anyway? I mean to see someone you've really loved crying like that is hard and it makes me feel bad, but when it needs to get done how do you prepare yourself to end it?

 

You could tell yourself you deserve someone who treats you better and considers your feelings.

 

You can also remember that sometimes tears are another form of manipulation.

 

Keep in mind she didn't make your life accomplishment (graduation) her priority!

 

She should have been there with you - IF she loved you!

 

You deserve better than a gal that's sneaky and turning things around on you when it looks like she may be up to no good.

 

You can tell her this isn't working anymore for you.

[SamsonA]

Not at first. It took about a month because she was enjoying the attention. I told her she wanted her cake and eat it too and she admitted that was the case. I told her if we were take make this work one last time we needed to compromise and make certain sacrifices. Again, this was a FOURTH attempt so it was do or die for us. It wasn't until I almost lost it on her one night out when the guy texted her what she was up to that night that she finally blocked the person. Sadly because of that, my trust in her never came back. Feel free to read my other threads. Disclaimer: They are really long lol.

 

That last part you mentioned about almost losing it when he had texted her sorta hits close to home. Though I didn't explode on her I definitely felt that anger/hurt about her not considering how uncomfortable it made me that she was texting an old hookup. I see the aftermath is pretty rough. Hopefully things get better for you. If it means anything you posts have really helped me out(both the advice and seeing someone go through something similar).

 

Also so many people have posted on here and I feel bad if I continue to bump this thread without an update. So until that happens I just want to thank everyone who has replied and I definitely am taking all your words to mind. I'll be seeing her sometime this weekend and I'll have a long talk about things then. I'll probably be feeling a bit in the dumps after all this, but once I feel ready for it I'll do my best to give advice to others on this forum like you all did for me.

[loversquarrel]

Hey, figured I'd chime in here as I have experience with these issues and I also have experience with someone who feels the same for me that I do them. It didn't take me long to figure this girl is not trustworthy, while you may not have physical proof she is cheating on you, you still have proof in other more subtle ways. For example -

 

1. She has been caught lying about a few things, important things mind you that involve this guy - your most powerful indicator. One of them was inviting you to something because he couldn't make it???? - are you @#$%ing me? This alone speaks volumes....and then going away with him and another couple??? - Come on man, please don't tell me these two things are small beans - they are proof. She cried because she got caught, not because she felt bad.

 

2. So you guys broke up and she hooked up with this guy. Mind you - he was just a hook up, right??? - I'm sorry but when a couple reconciles, what happened during the break up stays with the break up - there is no room for a friendship with a lingering past hook up, no reason for it. Her interest in this guy is more than just friends.

 

She is playing you because you are letting her. If she cared for the RELATIONSHIP you two have, she would have a clear understanding of boundaries, which she lacks. She has to choose - and you have to enforce that, otherwise you let her go.

 

If it were me- I'd let her go. I made the mistake of forcing a choice upon my ex wife before we got engaged and married - she chose me, but ended up being a cheater before and during our marriage. I am in a much better place now, but it took a few years for me to get to that place and I am wiser for it, so I will try to share that wisdom with you.

[bubbaganoosh]

Look. If your both together again, the that means you and her, not you, her and the other guy.

 

When she asked you to go with her and you found out that it was because the other guy couldn't go, that makes you "plan B". In other words if you want to be the back up guy then by all means your doing a good job.

 

It seems that she wants to burn the candle at both ends and when she gets caught, she cries, you fold up and she has it her way.

 

It's time you make some changes and start with yourself. Time for you and her to set up some rules and keep them. If not then move on but don't let yourself become her back up guy.

[Elle1975]

When I met my boyfriend, now ex, I was also hanging with another guy for fun. As soon as I started dating my bf, I ended things with the fun guy. I told him I was seeing someone, and couldn't "hang out" anymore.

 

My point is, if someone matters in your life, you don't hang out with the ex fck buddy.. or whatever this guy was.

 

You're not overreacting, no. It's a huge red flag. He's not just a friend. And worse, he has feelings for her.

[loversquarrel]

You are getting some pretty decent straight shooting responses OP. One other thing you have to realize - and it's difficult to do this - is understand that it is far easier for most of us to spot the deception than for you. You love her, and when you love someone you WANT to believe them, so it is easy to doubt yourself. All you have to do is read your first post as if it were written by someone else. Once you do that you will know that you aren't being unreasonable with your feelings.

Edited June 14, 2014 by loversquarrel

[SamsonA]

I have a quick update and can use some help again...

 

We talked today about things and I pretty much told her the fact that I didn't feel like I trusted her and I was upset about everything happening with the other guy. I allowed her to explain herself and this is where I start to feel a little confused. She told me the reasoning behind why things happened the way they did and that she would even go sit down and explain to him that he has to respect our relationship. She also said she kept telling lies to me, the other guy, and even her friends because she didn't want to hurt anyone's feeling and that she has to learn to be straightforward with people even if it means hurting them. She also said she really cares for me and if I decide to end it she understands.

 

So before I felt very confident that I should talk with her and break things off, but now I'm back to being confused. I suppose only I can tell if she's being honest, but now I don't even know if I can. We have two more years of LDR and it scares me a little that I wont be comfortable with the relationship. It's definitely made me go through a roller coaster of emotions and I can use some insight again:

Should I take into consideration what she's saying or do you think I'm being suckered in? I agreed with loversquarrel saying how it's easier for you all to see the deception because I really want to believe it. Maybe some of you have an opinion on this recent talk?

 

She was being very unselfish in this conversation and I find it all very sweet, but part of me feels unsure. Could be that I don't trust her right away and we've been having this up and down for awhile. I'm just struggling to really decide cause when these issues occur it becomes draining, but once things are over they're over. We already said we wouldn't be friends as it would be too difficult.

 

Thanks again everyone

[giblesp]

You'll notice that the more you dig into the subject of her and this man, the more stuff comes up.

 

There's too much other man stuff for you and her to be stable. Especially the lies. She doesn't seem trustworthy.

 

She may well be cheating. Not necessarily on a physical level but something is probably going on.

 

It could just be that she is paranoid of you dumping her, and is keeping this man as a back up. Either way, the man has to go for you both to continue.

 

Make sure that you know exactly what has been happening between him and her before making a decision on continuing with this girl.

Edited June 18, 2014 by giblesp

[Chi townD]

Yeah dude, she's telling you EXACTLY what you want to hear. But, I still feel like you're not getting the full story. It's nice to know that she CARES about you (personally, I would have rather hear LOVES, but....) but she would understand if you wanted to break it off.

 

 

Sounds like she could take it or leave it. Doesn't matter to her, because she's got someone waiting in the wings for her if you ended it. Personally, I would want to be with someone where I matter to them....

[Smarty Pants]

Healthy relationships don't normally have to deal with situations like this. What is her reasoning for staying friends with the other guy. You two are in a relationship.

 

Don't put up with this because it will only end badly for you.

 

Sorry for the generalization, but beware of girls who have a lot of guy "friends".

[H245]

She told me the reasoning behind why things happened the way they did and that she would even go sit down and explain to him that he has to respect our relationship.

 

This troubles me a ton. He needs to be out of the picture completely. Telling him to respect the relationship means nothing because he most likely will not do this. He has feelings for her and they already hooked up while you were broken up. I dealt with something similar with my ex. She isn't winning trust points here.

 

She also said she kept telling lies to me, the other guy, and even her friends because she didn't want to hurt anyone's feeling and that she has to learn to be straightforward with people even if it means hurting them.

 

She's lying to everyone. There is no chance I would trust her again. There will be more lies and she will never be completely upfront with you again. You will always be worried if she is telling you the truth or not. It isn't fair to you. Again, I dealt with a similar situation and I tried very hard to regain trust in my ex. I never fully did. You shouldn't have to worry when she is out and if she has been upfront about who she's with when out.

 

It's definitely made me go through a roller coaster of emotions and I can use some insight again:

 

From one person who's been through this to another, this isn't worth it. No healthy, stable relationship goes through this. Right now you have a relationship built on lies and deceit from her. Ask yourself if you want this person to be the mother of your children in the future. As hard as it is, it looks to be better to walk away now than to continue to deal with more lies from her. You deserve to be treated better, just like I should be in my own situation.

[loversquarrel]

After reading your post I have come to this conclusion based on the totality of the circumstances you have described. I firmly believe this woman is lying and avoiding hurting herself as well as everyone else involved.

 

My feeling is she is being indecisive in the hopes that you will break up with her, after all she stated she would understand if that's what you chose to do. It is clear she wants this other guy in her life as she hasn't taken any steps to get rid of him. This is the classic case of wanting her cake and eating it too, and if she loses you - oh well, she has something to fall back on.

 

I think you have two options:

 

1.) Break up with her - she is not trustworthy

 

2.) Man up - (Not saying this to be insulting) - You should give her the ultimatum - call me old fashioned, but I am not the type to leave room for sharing my girl with any other guys. There is absolutely NO ROOM for any other guys she has hooked up with while you are in a relationship with her, none whatsoever.

 

A mature person who truly cares for and loves you will leave all past relationships and hookups in the past - where they belong. Now, you wouldn't do that to her, so it should be reciprocated.

[lolablue17]

She was being very unselfish in this conversation and I find it all very sweet

 

What?!! She tells you that you are more important, but insists to continue seeing him and refuses to cut him off completely, and says that she "understands if you break up with her"??!!!! And you call it unselfish? It's pure clear selfishness.

 

she doesn't care for at all. She know how much you hate lies, and she she is still lying again and again and again... why? because she wants to come out fair with everybody. And you call it unselfish?

 

She hurts you with this guy. she knows it. but does she do anything about it? is she trying to make you happy and more secure? NO! And you call it unselfish? If she loves you she would be ready to do almost anything to hold you. but she says she will "understand if you leave".

 

You are blind!

 

Yes. girls in a relationship can hold male friends and even with EX's. But as long as it's very very innocent. If at least one of them has some feelings to the other - It's totaly wrong!

 

And here's the proof - If it was innocent she wouldn't lie to you all the time, especially when you were so liberal with her. You say you have 2 years of LDR?! i think there's only one option! sorry!

Edited June 18, 2014 by lolablue17