Jump to content

Why do people play games? I'm feeling so jaded


Recommended Posts

I wrote about this guy I was seeing over the past couple of weeks. We had emailed for 2 months and were seeing each other actively for almost 2 months. Honestly, everything was great. We had a scary amount in common, were compatible, open with each other, met his friends, always had a great time together and for the past month we'd been having 24 hour dates once a week. I told my friends about this guy and they are all honest with me about red flags and all seemed to be checking out. After emailing for 2 months, I was concerned about the chemistry in person, but if anything, it was even more amazing in person. He had asked me to be his girlfriend, told me we were exclusive, we did everything but have full on sex several times (we both have the same morals on this and agreed it was best to wait on sex until love was in the equation), he treated me wonderfully on our dates and whenever I was upset about something he would send me comforting messages. Yet things got strange a couple of weeks ago when I found out he was updating his OLD profile and asked for some space (even though in person he was acting like he was so happy with me).

 

I followed the advice of LS and asked where me and him stood last Wednesday. Not only did he end things with me, BUT he did so after having a great conversation with me which implied we were doing awesomely. I had no idea where the conversation was heading and it ended with him saying "yes, I have romantic feelings for you but not enough for me to want you to be my girlfriend." He could give no other explanation other than it's just how he feels. To make matters worse, after he ended things with me, he ended up becoming very emotional (tears and everything) and begged me to not leave his life, told me how amazing things were between us, how right and natural everything was, how he's never felt this way around anyone before and how we have AMAZING FRIENDSHIP POTENTIAL! Who says such a thing after ending things?! Anyway, I told him I can't be his friend right now and it would be too painful which led to this extremely tearful goodbye on his end.

 

I don't know what to think of this. I feel like this was a cruel mind game thing? Why do people do this? I felt like we had developed such a good friendship, I thought that he would have cared enough to at least end things in a civil manner and not give me mixed signals with that tearful goodbye. I even saw him last night (we have a mutual friend) briefly and we only said "hello" to each other but he was laughing and smiling around me for an hour, looking happy like nothing had happened, yet I'd catch him staring. It just felt like he was playing this ego thing to try and look overly happy or something. Are these normal dating games for people? Now that I'm back on the dating scene again, I'm feeling unmotivated about the whole thing if people can be so misleading! i wouldn't be upset if he told me he didn't feel that chemistry after several dates, but almost 2 months!

Edited by mbee
Link to post
Share on other sites
HeartbrokenNewbie

You need to read the post I just wrote titled "why mislead people" seems we bot tried to do things the right way and yet on the actual date things were different, better for you but worse for me... your story is basically what i have done before and was trying to avoid, yet it the way your date went after all that time talking was exactly how I would have loved my date to go but I was mislead... tell u what we just cannot win!! xx

Link to post
Share on other sites
soccerrprp

I followed the advice of LS and asked where me and him stood last Wednesday. Not only did he end things with me, BUT he did so after having a great conversation with me which implied we were doing awesomely. I had no idea where the conversation was heading and it ended with him saying "yes, I have romantic feelings for you but not enough for me to want you to be my girlfriend." He could give no other explanation other than it's just how he feels. To make matters worse, after he ended things with me, he ended up becoming very emotional (tears and everything) and begged me to not leave his life, told me how amazing things were between us, how right and natural everything was, how he's never felt this way around anyone before and how we have AMAZING FRIENDSHIP POTENTIAL! Who says such a thing after ending things?! Anyway, I told him I can't be his friend right now and it would be too painful which led to this extremely tearful goodbye on his end.

 

Are these normal dating games for people? Now that I'm back on the dating scene again, I'm feeling unmotivated about the whole thing if people can be so misleading! i wouldn't be upset if he told me he didn't feel that chemistry after several dates, but almost 2 months!

 

This guy sounds like a classic, extreme emotional manipulator. There are people who will use tears, their addictions, other excuses to force the turnkeys of emotions onto you to make or provoke a response from you. They manipulate you to get a response that involves sympathy, uncertainty, etc. This is not NORMAL per se, but many people use such tactics to some level to manipulate your emotions.

 

Get past this guy and do not let him back in. He's shown you clearly what kind of person he is and that won't change.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites

Wow, I am so not sleeping with my new guy anytime soon after reading this. It's sort of scary how people will lead you on. I'm really sorry this happened to you.

Link to post
Share on other sites
soccerrprp

I truly feel for you ladies. You've got it especially tough. There are some really great guys out there who are looking for a LTR, but it's SO difficult to separate the wheat from the chaff.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
I truly feel for you ladies. You've got it especially tough. There are some really great guys out there who are looking for a LTR, but it's SO difficult to separate the wheat from the chaff.

 

It's too tough. Like I said, I'm just feeling so jaded. It's like I can be hitting it off with someone and things can be going well for almost 2 months until someone just conveniently changes their mind and blames it on not having enough feelings. Makes me sick. I'm naturally an optimistic person but this has been getting me down.

Link to post
Share on other sites
You need to read the post I just wrote titled "why mislead people" seems we bot tried to do things the right way and yet on the actual date things were different, better for you but worse for me... your story is basically what i have done before and was trying to avoid, yet it the way your date went after all that time talking was exactly how I would have loved my date to go but I was mislead... tell u what we just cannot win!! xx

 

And what is the common denominator here? OLDing! The sooner people realize how awful it is the better off you'll be! It works for very FEW people! Too many manipulative wack jobs doing OLDing and they all have GIGS. Consider yourself lucky OP this guy is looney tunes.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
learning_slowly
Wow, I am so not sleeping with my new guy anytime soon after reading this. It's sort of scary how people will lead you on. I'm really sorry this happened to you.

 

I think there are things you need to consider. 1) dating seems far different in America with people dating multiple people at once and then picking their favourite. 2) you should only be sleeping with somebody because you want to, not because you'll be with them forever, as chances are you won't.

 

There are good people out there, otherwise there wouldn't be people on here accepting they had parts to play in the downfall of the relationship, when it would be far easier to fool ourselves in to thinking we are perfect.

Link to post
Share on other sites
PegNosePete

Sorry this happened to you. But at least you found out sooner rather than later. It does seem you dodged a bullet by handling it well and having the mature conversation.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I just went through something very similar and it is puzzling and intimidating.

 

I understand if people don't feel the connection after few dates and call it off - it's all good because you don't owe each other anything yet. But I find it very hard to understand how people can develop a relationship for months when they could have walked away a hundred times and then suddenly realize that they don't want it.

 

I don't think they are necessarily coldblooded manipulators but rather just don't know what they want. For some it can about the chase and when they "have" you, they maybe realize that they haven't even thought further from there.

 

Maybe they just want companionship or like having a woman around and they might like you in some level but not just be that into you.

 

Walk away and keep dating. It hurts but if the person doesn't want to be with you then he can't be the right person for you.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
I just went through something very similar and it is puzzling and intimidating.

 

I understand if people don't feel the connection after few dates and call it off - it's all good because you don't owe each other anything yet. But I find it very hard to understand how people can develop a relationship for months when they could have walked away a hundred times and then suddenly realize that they don't want it.

 

I don't think they are necessarily coldblooded manipulators but rather just don't know what they want. For some it can about the chase and when they "have" you, they maybe realize that they haven't even thought further from there.

 

Maybe they just want companionship or like having a woman around and they might like you in some level but not just be that into you.

 

Walk away and keep dating. It hurts but if the person doesn't want to be with you then he can't be the right person for you.

 

I think most times these people have GIGS. They think, oh if I got her I know I can do better. They go with someone they think would be better than you. These guys always come back sniffing around later on after their "better" deal didn't work out. Don't fall for it.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
And what is the common denominator here? OLDing! The sooner people realize how awful it is the better off you'll be! It works for very FEW people! Too many manipulative wack jobs doing OLDing and they all have GIGS. Consider yourself lucky OP this guy is looney tunes.

 

I have to respectfully disagree. I've dated two guys that I would call absolutely crazy. The one that was the worst, I mean so bad that I was concerned about my safety, was my neighbor and seemed completely normal. My ex was also crazy towards the end, and we met online. However, he seemed great for a year until all the craziness came out. He's dated many women and has only met two of those women (including me) online. The next girl he screwed over, he met at a bar, and the woman after that through mutual friends. I think bad people can show up anywhere. My friends are also dating some jerks and have met them in more traditional ways.

 

Also I am American but am not living in the USA, actually Australia at the moment. The guy I am posting about is an Aussie and I am very confident he was not dating other people so I'm not sure about the whole cultural thing you brought up.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

You are both probably right, especially about the GIGS thing, which I've never experienced before sigh. He's 25 and only dated 2 girls, that's it. He's very inexperienced. And during the last few weeks he would make small comments comparing me to his exes. I asked him to stop and he did, but stuff like when he kisses me he doesn't feel this electric pull. Yet, when he kisses me it feels so natural and right and he wants more, but it's lacking this electric pull thing? Or I moved to this country where the use of sarcasm is more deadpan and I'm learning it, and getting better, but I think he wished I would understand it better... and even updated his profile to include that in his wish list of what he's looking for in a woman, and it obviously came from us.

 

Plus this all started when we had an uncomfortable but necessary conversation about exes. Perhaps it was too early for him, and he seemed to feel that that discomfort of being vulnerable shouldn't happen this early (at the time it had been a month of dating). But yes, it could easily be GIGs and him having ridiculous expectations. After only dating 2 women, perhaps he thinks this connection we experienced is far more frequent than it really is.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Scorpio Chick

So y'all DIDN'T sleep together? You say y'all had 24 hour round the clock dates, so I don't know what that means, exactly.

 

It sounds nonsensical. In the short span of 2 months, HE says y'all are exclusive, then says he has romantic feelings for you but not enough to qualify you as his girlfriend. While you and your friends hadn't seen any red flags, there's your red flag. That just doesn't make sense because you didn't say anything 'happened' to cause any sudden change. However, if you didn't know him well, then, well, you don't know him well. He could just be a game player.

 

DO NOT let one person make you suddenly jaded. If you weren't jaded before you dated this guy, you certainly shouldn't be after you dated him just because he's a flake. He could just be a flake. So don't let a flake make you jaded.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Wow, I am so not sleeping with my new guy anytime soon after reading this. It's sort of scary how people will lead you on. I'm really sorry this happened to you.

 

Not sure what your guy has to do with the OP's guy...unless your guy is showing the same symptoms.

 

Why generalize and lump guys together? Not all of us are manipulative troglodytes.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
So y'all DIDN'T sleep together? You say y'all had 24 hour round the clock dates, so I don't know what that means, exactly.

 

It sounds nonsensical. In the short span of 2 months, HE says y'all are exclusive, then says he has romantic feelings for you but not enough to qualify you as his girlfriend. While you and your friends hadn't seen any red flags, there's your red flag. That just doesn't make sense because you didn't say anything 'happened' to cause any sudden change. However, if you didn't know him well, then, well, you don't know him well. He could just be a game player.

 

DO NOT let one person make you suddenly jaded. If you weren't jaded before you dated this guy, you certainly shouldn't be after you dated him just because he's a flake. He could just be a flake. So don't let a flake make you jaded.

 

We slept together (like sleeping) but we didn't have sex. I feel jaded because of my last several experiences with dating. My ex-boyfriend takes the cake for my jaded feelings but that relationship ended over a year ago. I did date this jerk for several months awhile ago but it was more out of boredom and didn't hurt me. I guess this was just the first person I really, really liked in a long time so how this played out was extremely disappointing.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I think sometimes people have no guts to say the truth that you aren't hitting it off or he isn't as into you as you are into him.

 

People can also be very selfish and just do whatever suits them.

 

He could also be putting feelers out for other women because even though he agreed to YOU no sex, he didn't really mean it.

 

One time I was on a forum and guys were talking about getting sex off sites, and they mentioned the dating ones were better than sex ones to get women to sleep with them, and they put that they want a relationship but they don't. I will never online date because of what I saw. EVER.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...