Why I don't check up on my ex

[somecamel]

I've gone from one extreme to another

 

I spied, I stalked and in general I became someone that I was not proud of.

 

I was in a 7 year relationship that ended when she had an emotional affair with her boyfriend of 7 years previous.

 

I come on here regularly to read peoples stories and it does give me some solace but I want to implore to people how checking up on an ex is just going to prolong your pain.

 

I blocked my ex and all of her family and friends off Facebook and done the same with Twitter, any emails from her are automatically diverted into another folder so I don't see them when they come in.

 

Why did I do this?

 

I don't need to know what she is doing in her life anymore, sometimes ignorance is bliss, I ask myself why I would want to self flagellate by opening up wounds that have taken me months to get over. She's probably with the guy she cheated on me with but I don't know for sure and I don't want to know.

 

In my quest to make myself a better person I accept that I made mistakes in our relationship but she was the one that went that one step further, when someone betrays you, the trust is gone and can never come back regardless of how much you cloud your feelings and think you can work things out.

 

To all LS's here, NC really is the way to go, in the first few months it's real hard especially when you get the inevitable breadcrumbs but listen, it's true what the peeps on here say, they are just an ego boost for the ex, they don't want you to hate them but you need to to get over them.

 

All of this let's be friends bollocks is just that, bollocks, don't be taken in, be strong.

 

When you win, they will make you out to be the bad person which is fine because then they will leave you alone to get on with your own life.

[Nimbus4dt]

The same here, blocked, e-mails auto delete, FB blocked, Linkedin blocked, even the dating sites she is now using I block, that way even if I wish to snoop I can't without unblocking her, which would not take much effort but for some reason it's effort and I can't be bothered. So far it has worked, 2 weeks now although did have a blip and mailed her (to face more rejection!!) just this week to go then am off on holiday for 10 days, so after that, I should be in a much better place.

It is so easy to snoop these days, she is on Tinder, that I do know and was while we were in the latter stages of break up. But I have not bothered to snoop or join, what's the point, it'd only bring up emotions and frankly she just isn't worth it, despite how I felt about her.

I hope she does have a couple of flings, hell, she maybe already has, it'll shower what a fool she was and what she's missing!!!

Roll on a month's time, then a couple more and I shall be rid of the thoughts/emotions and she'll fade into history!!

Only way she can contact me is face to face or house phone or via a 3rd party phone/text/e-mail. But have thought to forward without reading to a friend to read and then delete.

That way if anything super important then friend can tell me, if breadcrumb then friend can just say nonsense!

[somecamel]

The same here, blocked, e-mails auto delete, FB blocked, Linkedin blocked, even the dating sites she is now using I block, that way even if I wish to snoop I can't without unblocking her, which would not take much effort but for some reason it's effort and I can't be bothered. So far it has worked, 2 weeks now although did have a blip and mailed her (to face more rejection!!) just this week to go then am off on holiday for 10 days, so after that, I should be in a much better place.

It is so easy to snoop these days, she is on Tinder, that I do know and was while we were in the latter stages of break up. But I have not bothered to snoop or join, what's the point, it'd only bring up emotions and frankly she just isn't worth it, despite how I felt about her.

I hope she does have a couple of flings, hell, she maybe already has, it'll shower what a fool she was and what she's missing!!!

Roll on a month's time, then a couple more and I shall be rid of the thoughts/emotions and she'll fade into history!!

Only way she can contact me is face to face or house phone or via a 3rd party phone/text/e-mail. But have thought to forward without reading to a friend to read and then delete.

That way if anything super important then friend can tell me, if breadcrumb then friend can just say nonsense!

 

 

Agreed completely, the actual act of blocking really does help, it's so easy when they're not blocked to have a quick peek but having a peek equals pain.

 

Sure you can unblock but it is a hassle and you can quickly tell yourself whats the point.

 

Have a great holiday and come back refreshed and ready to take on the world:)

 

I'm off to Portugal next week:) Cant wait:)

[Nimbus4dt]

Yes, a peek is easy, having to unblock is easy too but for some reason it is something I have to do and I don't, some phycological barrier protecting me, small but effective and long may it continue!!!! And each day it gets easier!!!

[greenbee81]

I've done the same. Blocked her number, spammed her email.

 

I won't answer any private or unlisted numbers either.

 

Your life gets easier when your wounds don't re open.

[reddragon588]

Needed this right now, had considered checking up on social media before reading this thread and being inspired by your strength

[jbelle6]

I'm so on the same page as you somecamel.

I would be gutted to find something and I know my feelings would be the same or worse than the day he broke it off.

I figure I know all I need to know, he doesn't want me, and he either wants or will want someone that is not me soon.

Edited May 13, 2014 by jbelle6

[HeartbrokenNewbie]

The thing is its near impossible to do this in the early days as you are desperate for any 'hope' and u think u might get that from checking but more often than not all u see is something that hurts. For me personally I dont think I could have blocked straight off, I would have only unblocked as the desire for 'hope' seems more important than the thought of seeing something u might not like! I did eventually block after I saw so much heartbreaking stuff that it pushed me to the point of "Im not doing this anymore" and life has been much better since.

 

I dont always think its a bad thing to check, yes its going to hurt but human beings have limits and it can very quickly kill any feelings and push u to the point of letting go x

[me85]

The thing is its near impossible to do this in the early days as you are desperate for any 'hope' and u think u might get that from checking but more often than not all u see is something that hurts. For me personally I dont think I could have blocked straight off, I would have only unblocked as the desire for 'hope' seems more important than the thought of seeing something u might not like! I did eventually block after I saw so much heartbreaking stuff that it pushed me to the point of "Im not doing this anymore" and life has been much better since.

 

I dont always think its a bad thing to check, yes its going to hurt but human beings have limits and it can very quickly kill any feelings and push u to the point of letting go x

 

I second this. I'm glad I saw his new profile pic of him and his gf and that they are officially "in a RS" on Fb. That hammered the final nail in the coffin for me.

Edited May 13, 2014 by me85

[anemptycup]

I agree completely - all it will do is prolong it - but, hey after a long term relationship (mine was 3 years) - I spied so much in the first 2 weeks - and to this day (4 months later) stuff that i found out from snooping on her still causes me pain and suffering. can't imagine where i would be had i continued to spy as intensively as i was.

 

i blocked her after two weeks - haven't checked her FB, Twitter, instagram or anything else since then. Where i have been weak is with checking "likes" she has done on mutual friends' posts and also snooping on the guys she's been dating occasionally on their OKcupid profiles and on FB.

 

but, that' VERY rare when i'm having really bad days - and of course - it only makes it worse doing that - but somehow... i have personally found, that pain, has helped me - the next day i let go more... when i see what she's doing - dating, getting on with her life...

 

I also feel deep inside I might snoop when i feel i have healed up - i do it almost to check where i am with my healing - to see how hurt or affected i get by seeing something...

 

but yeah - NC is for sure the way to go to heal up - it's all about giving your mind less fuel for thoughts... so that you won't keep assuming things you have no evidence for. and we usually assume the worst.

 

our bodies and minds will adapt and survive and let go in time - our job as the conscious mind is to simply get out of the way of that natural healing - and not hold ourselves down by hurting ourselves...

 

much love and good luck to OP and everyone else going through this!

[Elle1975]

I have never checked on what he's been up to. I never will either. Of all of my break ups, this has been the hardest.

 

Indeed, ignorance is bliss.

[somecamel]

The thing is its near impossible to do this in the early days as you are desperate for any 'hope' and u think u might get that from checking but more often than not all u see is something that hurts. For me personally I dont think I could have blocked straight off, I would have only unblocked as the desire for 'hope' seems more important than the thought of seeing something u might not like! I did eventually block after I saw so much heartbreaking stuff that it pushed me to the point of "Im not doing this anymore" and life has been much better since.

 

I dont always think its a bad thing to check, yes its going to hurt but human beings have limits and it can very quickly kill any feelings and push u to the point of letting go x

 

I do agree to a certain extent with what you've said and in the early days/months after a break up it's real hard to think sensibly and sometimes seeing the stuff you really didn't need to see can push you over that limit.

 

I was hacking her email, Work and Personal, her Skype, Her facebook, Twitter and Snapchat, my final straw I suppose was seeing that she had been snap chatting 'him' and as we always do we think the worst and in my mind it would have been risqué pictures etc that they were sending each other, it made me physically sick.

 

I'm not over her but I'm I've put myself on a journey now to be the best I can be, I've lost 2 stone (28 pounds to my American Friends), started an outside Gym once a week and thrown myself into my work.

 

My only issue I have left now is the loss of the companionship which I suppose I miss the most, I've tried some dating but it was never going to work that early on.

 

I need to stop looking and get over the 'Co-dependant' side of myself, we all need to truly love ourselves before we can expect someone else to love us as much as we loved them.

 

Peace out:)

 

 

Quick Edit:- This song has really helped me in my healing process and I hope it can help you too

 

[Michael 93]

@somecamel

 

Your last paragraph is absolutely paramount. That is the thing that is totally staring at me in the face atm. You have to love yourself before anyone else can love you.

 

This is what my last thread was about...Depending your happiness on your partner is absolute suicide and that was my downfall.

 

The thing is managing to regain your happiness after a break up is proving to be extremely difficult.

How long has it been since the split? Do you feel much better?

 

I did the occasional FB search whatsapp check etc...Seeing her look so beautiful was really hard for me to take..The burning sickening feeling was horrible. Haven't really done it since although the urge is humoungous.

 

Lets keep going and see where this takes us...We never know what is round the corner I guess. Chin up

[somecamel]

@somecamel

 

Your last paragraph is absolutely paramount. That is the thing that is totally staring at me in the face atm. You have to love yourself before anyone else can love you.

 

This is what my last thread was about...Depending your happiness on your partner is absolute suicide and that was my downfall.

 

The thing is managing to regain your happiness after a break up is proving to be extremely difficult.

How long has it been since the split? Do you feel much better?

 

I did the occasional FB search whatsapp check etc...Seeing her look so beautiful was really hard for me to take..The burning sickening feeling was horrible. Haven't really done it since although the urge is humoungous.

 

Lets keep going and see where this takes us...We never know what is round the corner I guess. Chin up

 

Hi Michael,

 

I've followed your story as well and know it hit you hard, in some respects I've been through this before albeit some 10 years ago so this has been somewhat easier for me.

 

We split properly at the beginning of February this year but it had been on the cards for a while before that.

 

I think back and I was in a bad way myself, my son had been really ill and I had lost my business because I was spending all my time in Hospital with him, when she left me it showed how selfish she was but because I still had my rose tinted glasses on I couldn't see it then.

 

The break up had actually been good for me, it's helped me to understand who I am and what I want from life, I'd never go back to her now, my feelings of passion which I used to interpret as Love have now turned to hate and for me that's more healthy than being in love with someone that obviously never really loved me.

 

I still hurt and she still enters my thoughts every day but I appreciate that i still need time, you can't just get over a relationship like that, if you can there's something wrong:)

[Michael 93]

Hi Michael,

 

I've followed your story as well and know it hit you hard, in some respects I've been through this before albeit some 10 years ago so this has been somewhat easier for me.

 

We split properly at the beginning of February this year but it had been on the cards for a while before that.

 

I think back and I was in a bad way myself, my son had been really ill and I had lost my business because I was spending all my time in Hospital with him, when she left me it showed how selfish she was but because I still had my rose tinted glasses on I couldn't see it then.

 

The break up had actually been good for me, it's helped me to understand who I am and what I want from life, I'd never go back to her now, my feelings of passion which I used to interpret as Love have now turned to hate and for me that's more healthy than being in love with someone that obviously never really loved me.

 

I still hurt and she still enters my thoughts every day but I appreciate that i still need time, you can't just get over a relationship like that, if you can there's something wrong:)

 

 

 

Exactly man. You know how stupid I have been in some instances. I'm still finding it difficult but your right, this shows we are human and these things cannot just be erased. I put this pain at the top of my list man, I haven't experienced mental/physical trauma as bad as this ever.

 

I totally understand the hate thing. I still am struggling to hate. I still get the sinking feeling in my chest when I think of her. And If i hear her on phone to colleagues I get hot and agitated the nervous effect. What we had was special believe me, just know you are not alone in dealing with things and I totally understand where you are coming from.

 

Have you been in strict NC since split?

[Nimbus4dt]

Lost 1 and a half stone in a month, very little sleep, max 1-2hr a night. Did the email hacking thing also. It was very unhealthy and looking back on it did very little for ME. I also have to drive past her house whenever i go into town, I can even see if she's in or not, that still troubles me, it did this morning, it sets my mind racing but now I feel less agitated by it. Although the morning has been spent thinking about who's she with etc what's she doing? But I put this down to a blip, easier to vent here than to face yet more rejection and to be honest I know by this afternoon I will be busy and fine!!!!

Now nearing 3 weeks NC bar some emails last week, it gets easier but just have to resist the urge to scratch!!!

I do wonder what she thinks though, how she is etc when I have a blip.

[somecamel]

Exactly man. You know how stupid I have been in some instances. I'm still finding it difficult but your right, this shows we are human and these things cannot just be erased. I put this pain at the top of my list man, I haven't experienced mental/physical trauma as bad as this ever.

 

I totally understand the hate thing. I still am struggling to hate. I still get the sinking feeling in my chest when I think of her. And If i hear her on phone to colleagues I get hot and agitated the nervous effect. What we had was special believe me, just know you are not alone in dealing with things and I totally understand where you are coming from.

 

Have you been in strict NC since split?

 

I wish I had lol but we were together for 7 years and our life's were intertwined so we had some issues that needed to be dealt with, Call it low contact I suppose.

 

All those bits minus our dog have been sorted, I'm currently trying to rehome him and when that's done I can close this chapter in my life and start my next:)

 

NC I suppose now for around a month, I lose track now, it was all over email which I delete as soon as I dealt with them, that why I don't go back and read, re-read, analyse it etc:)

[somecamel]

Lost 1 and a half stone in a month, very little sleep, max 1-2hr a night. Did the email hacking thing also. It was very unhealthy and looking back on it did very little for ME. I also have to drive past her house whenever i go into town, I can even see if she's in or not, that still troubles me, it did this morning, it sets my mind racing but now I feel less agitated by it. Although the morning has been spent thinking about who's she with etc what's she doing? But I put this down to a blip, easier to vent here than to face yet more rejection and to be honest I know by this afternoon I will be busy and fine!!!!

Now nearing 3 weeks NC bar some emails last week, it gets easier but just have to resist the urge to scratch!!!

I do wonder what she thinks though, how she is etc when I have a blip.

 

Can you not drive a different way into town? Even just for a couple of months?

 

How are you going to feel if you drive past and see her with someone else?

[mtnbiker3000]

Haven't seen or heard from the ex in over 14 months. Don't even want to know what she might be up to or who she might be with. Ignorance is bliss!!!

[Rig88]

Thank you for sharing your experience and words of wisdom! You're absolutely right in what you say! Although it's natural to check up on someone who was once a bit part of your life , it's so damaging in the long run and stalls the recovery process no end. It's important to remind yourself that they're no longer a part of your life for a reason!

[Nimbus4dt]

Can you not drive a different way into town? Even just for a couple of months?

 

How are you going to feel if you drive past and see her with someone else?

 

Yes, This is what I try to do now, her house is by separated from the road by a field so I do have to look, if I feel the need!

I would very much doubt I will see her with someone else as just too far away but we both live in a small town so I will one day see her for sure, just make sure she's at work when I go in and don't go there socially any more.

Hopefully when and if I do see her, I hope to be much stronger and in a position to deal with it.

But for sure it will hurt although who knows how I will feel/think 2-4 months down the road.

I suspect she already has someone which does hurt thinking about it but I am happy that she has, also concerned that she has a tremendous amount of baggage to deal with and it would only be a rebound car crash, who knows!

[nerdlingZA]

We all know that at one point one needs to go NC and Stop Stalking. But for most of us, Stalking has helped us go Complely NC. I for one, since I know my Ex FB facebook password I went through her inbox and saw that she was 'babe' texting each and every guy on her inbox. Which made me stop stalking and Go complete NC coz by those inbox I saw that she's a joke. But that isn't what made me move on, time and distance (I haven't seen her for 6months) is what made me move on.

[somecamel]

Ok So maybe I was lying to myself a bit when i said I don't check on my ex, I'm not talking Facebook, Twitter or the like.

 

I have any emails from her automatically diverted into a catch all folder which I checked this morning and she emailed me 2 days ago.

 

It was nothing innocuous, she was just asking about a legal problem we had that is being resolved and to see if I had an update and she asked how the dog was.

 

I automatically deleted the email so I can't go back and keep on reading it but it's really pissed me off receiving it.

 

I want to reply but then I know if I do she will then reply again, might sound petty but I have the upper hand now not replying, (maybe a tad childish)

 

If I did reply what would I say, I want to be angry and tell her to go and do one but I also want to just be professional and say something like 'the lawyer will email you as they email me when they have an update, Gizmo is fine.'

 

I don't think I will reply but it's kinda mucked up my day now because she will be on it:(

[Nimbus4dt]

The lawyer will send a letter regardless, so I wouldn't stress (I know easier said than done!!!) I know exactly how you feel re mucking up your day, I was the same yesterday (my own fault for driving past her house got me thinking) today am much better, just like you will be tomorrow.

Stay strong and resist temptation and just send the spam to permanently delete, its easier!!!

[somecamel]

The lawyer will send a letter regardless, so I wouldn't stress (I know easier said than done!!!) I know exactly how you feel re mucking up your day, I was the same yesterday (my own fault for driving past her house got me thinking) today am much better, just like you will be tomorrow.

Stay strong and resist temptation and just send the spam to permanently delete, its easier!!!

 

This was my thinking and it's a breadcrumb, as for how the dog is, hardly any of her business anymore:)