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After rebound relationship; how can I get her back?


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Hi everyone,

 

I hope you can help me figure out what's going on and what I should be doing now. I'll try my best to keep this short.

 

I'm 33 and she's 37. This was my second relationship, I've been extremely shy most of my life, so I don't have much experience. I met her a year and a half ago. About 6 months after I met her, she left her ex, with whom she had been with for 11 years. She moved to a friend's apartment, very close to where I live, and we started seeing each other more often.

 

Shortly after, we started having a pretty intense romantic relationship, although she would sometimes say that she wasn't sure if she was ready for this. She would feel really good when she was with me, but bad when she was alone. She would feel guilty, because her ex was suffering, and because she felt this wasn't fair to me either.

 

Despite that, our romantic relationship lasted 7 months (ended at the beginning of this year), although we were never really publicly committed, like boyfriend and girlfriend. But she would talk about me as if I were perfect, especially sexually, she seemed very satisfied.

 

For the last month we were together, she was living in my house, because she wasn't getting along well with her friend. But she had been looking for an apartment to rent this whole time, and thought she would only be staying at my house a few days, but things took longer than expected for her to get a place.

 

Things were looking great though, until the last 2-3 weeks she was at my place. I felt her gradually getting more distant. We had 2 or 3 arguments, nothing really major I think, but they seemed to have affected her a lot. One had to do with her being out late with some friends, she came home after 4 in the morning, a bit drunk and I said I wasn't very comfortable with that; but I was willing to work something out. The other had to do with sex, sometimes I'd have difficulty reaching orgasm and I kind of freaked out once or twice about that.

 

Anyway, these problems seemed to have given her even more motivation to leave my place, and when she did, it was almost as if she didn't know me the next time we met. I felt her more distant, more cold. But we had never said that we were going to end our relationship. A few days after we talked, and she said that after leaving, she realized how much she really needed to be alone. We agreed to stay as friends.

 

She would always say that she needs to be alone, that she isn't ready for a relationship, and that this has nothing to do with me, that I'm a wonderful person, it's just that she can't see herself in a serious relationship now, maybe never. She told me at some point that she doesn't want to build any expectations on me that we'll be together in the future, because all she knows now is that she needs to be alone. That she needs to find herself.

 

She maintains contact with her ex, more so since she has been living alone. She distanced herself a lot from him in the beginning, but lately she feels that it makes sense for them to be friends, and that she sometimes feels better when she talks to him, since she feels she has a lot to say to him. She has almost always said that she would never go back to him again. "Almost", because there was one time, recently, where she seemed to have a bit of a doubt, because it seems that he was finally really listening to her.

 

Anyway, it's been 4 months now since she left. We have been seeing each other as friends ever since, on average about once a week. Sometimes I feel her getting closer, we get a little more intimate, but the next days she's distant again.

 

I have been trying to be her friend, trying not to pressure her for more, but sometimes it's really hard. I have been hoping that, since she seems to like me, if I'm patient, she'll come around once she's been through this phase.

 

She's been going out with friends more than usual lately, and for the last few days I've been feeling extremely jealous of a guy friend we both have in common, since it seems to me they are getting closer, and if they get together that would devastate me.

 

Anyway... Sorry I wasn't able to keep this short. What should I do? Should I patiently wait, and act purely as a friend? Should I be careful to not initiate contact with her too often? Or should I try to get more intimate with her when I see the chance, to see if that sparks something? What would be the best thing I could do to increase my chances of getting her back? Do my chances seem reasonable?

 

Thank you very much for reading. Any insight is very much appreciated.

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Strength in Healing

If you aren't interested in being friends, but rather you want to be together, then you have only one option. Say something along these lines:

 

[Name], I care about you so much. It hurts to be just friends after all we've been through. Therefor, I have to ask that we not talk until you are ready to be together again. I think what we have is very special. I look forward to that day.

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ConfusedHumanBeing
If you aren't interested in being friends, but rather you want to be together, then you have only one option. Say something along these lines:

 

[Name], I care about you so much. It hurts to be just friends after all we've been through. Therefor, I have to ask that we not talk until you are ready to be together again. I think what we have is very special. I look forward to that day.

 

I feell all she would do with this is say the same "I dont want a relationship right now. Youre a good guy...." whatever whatever. Plus, it makes him look like he is waiting around for her to be done, which is HIGHLY unattractive to women. No one wants someone to just play house while she goes out and does whatever.

 

She keeps around her ex...a LOT. That is an AWFUL red flag. Probably the worst. Why in the world would you want to deal with that all the time?

 

Look, I dont want to sugar coat it: She is using you. A LOT. You are the emotional soundboard. The fact she had a "relationship" with you and never announced it is a very strong indication that she doesnt see you anywhere in the same light. Mixed with the ex that she always seems to talk to and run back to....

 

You are ALWAYS going to be around, and she knows that. You are always the last option. She is distant because she doesnt want what you want. You are always attainable.

 

If I were you, I'd let it go. Fully. No friends either (unless you are 100% cool with being in the friendzone all the time, which I doubt you are). I feel its the only choice. I honestly wouldnt even let her know you are going to stop talking to her "until you are ready for a relationship again"

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If you aren't interested in being friends, but rather you want to be together, then you have only one option. Say something along these lines:

 

[Name], I care about you so much. It hurts to be just friends after all we've been through. Therefor, I have to ask that we not talk until you are ready to be together again. I think what we have is very special. I look forward to that day.

 

Thanks for the suggestion, I did think of doing something along those lines. It's hard for me to tell if I'm interested in being friends, because many times I do have fun with her as friends, but sometimes it hurts a lot. My fear is that, if I lose contact with her completely, the odds that she finds somebody else and forgets me may increase.

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Thanks for the suggestion, I did think of doing something along those lines. It's hard for me to tell if I'm interested in being friends, because many times I do have fun with her as friends, but sometimes it hurts a lot. My fear is that, if I lose contact with her completely, the odds that she finds somebody else and forgets me may increase.

 

That's everyone's fear. But if she forgets about you then she never really loved you to begin with.

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ConfusedHumanBeing
Thanks for the suggestion, I did think of doing something along those lines. It's hard for me to tell if I'm interested in being friends, because many times I do have fun with her as friends, but sometimes it hurts a lot. My fear is that, if I lose contact with her completely, the odds that she finds somebody else and forgets me may increase.

 

Its MUCH better than being around all the time. You are option F if things keep going the way they are.

 

If she goes away if you dont talk to her, then it wasnt ever going to work anyways.

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[/b]

 

I feell all she would do with this is say the same "I dont want a relationship right now. Youre a good guy...." whatever whatever. Plus, it makes him look like he is waiting around for her to be done, which is HIGHLY unattractive to women. No one wants someone to just play house while she goes out and does whatever.

 

She keeps around her ex...a LOT. That is an AWFUL red flag. Probably the worst. Why in the world would you want to deal with that all the time?

 

Look, I dont want to sugar coat it: She is using you. A LOT. You are the emotional soundboard. The fact she had a "relationship" with you and never announced it is a very strong indication that she doesnt see you anywhere in the same light. Mixed with the ex that she always seems to talk to and run back to....

 

You are ALWAYS going to be around, and she knows that. You are always the last option. She is distant because she doesnt want what you want. You are always attainable.

 

If I were you, I'd let it go. Fully. No friends either (unless you are 100% cool with being in the friendzone all the time, which I doubt you are). I feel its the only choice. I honestly wouldnt even let her know you are going to stop talking to her "until you are ready for a relationship again"

 

I may be wrong, but I really don't get the feeling that she "runs back to her ex", it feels more like her ex keeps nagging her. Although, yeah, she does allow it. She says she feels bad for him, and a strong friendship with him, given what they've been through. She does admit that she still feels connected to him, but on the other hand she insists that she can't imagine getting back to him, and that she doesn't feel attracted to him. But yeah, this is not good, and it seems to be getting worse.

 

I admit, I do feel used at times. Sometimes it feels like she used me, and let go of me when I wasn't needed any more. But I'm not sure if that's fair. It's not like she lied to me or anything of the sort. I believe she really wanted to be with me in the beginning, and gradually got more unsure of what she wanted. She always tried to be honest, although she could have be more clear about some things, perhaps. I think she was/is pretty emotionally confused.

 

Maybe that's what I say to myself to feel better, I don't know. This is all very confusing to me.

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ConfusedHumanBeing
I may be wrong, but I really don't get the feeling that she "runs back to her ex", it feels more like her ex keeps nagging her. Although, yeah, she does allow it. She says she feels bad for him, and a strong friendship with him, given what they've been through. She does admit that she still feels connected to him, but on the other hand she insists that she can't imagine getting back to him, and that she doesn't feel attracted to him. But yeah, this is not good, and it seems to be getting worse.

 

I admit, I do feel used at times. Sometimes it feels like she used me, and let go of me when I wasn't needed any more. But I'm not sure if that's fair. It's not like she lied to me or anything of the sort. I believe she really wanted to be with me in the beginning, and gradually got more unsure of what she wanted. She always tried to be honest, although she could have be more clear about some things, perhaps. I think she was/is pretty emotionally confused.

 

Maybe that's what I say to myself to feel better, I don't know. This is all very confusing to me.

 

Honestly, she can complain about the ex all she wants to you, but she always goes to him. It's like a wife complaining to her bff about how her husband doesnt do this or this, but yet stays with him still.

 

I'm not doubting there wasnt a time that she wanted to be with you. I think that's a pretty accurate statement. With that said, I dont think she'll ever get to that point (with you or anyone else) without detaching from the ex. She keeps him at bay while she goes out and gets to sample anything and everything out there. I feel she will ALWAYS have that lingering ex situation over everything. 11 years is a long time, and they will linger until its cut off.

 

In terms of how you feel, it's usually pretty merited. If you feel you were being used, you probably were/are. That's not fair to you. I feel you deserve WAY better than someone who is just going to keep screwing around because she doesnt know what she wants. Whether she actually does know what she wants or doesnt, it sadly doesnt matter at this point.

 

It feels confusing because I think you make it so. I would let it ride right now. If its truly meant to have another chance, then it will happen. Talking to her as friends all the time and being around a bunch wont really solve anything.

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Honestly, she can complain about the ex all she wants to you, but she always goes to him. It's like a wife complaining to her bff about how her husband doesnt do this or this, but yet stays with him still.

 

I'm not doubting there wasnt a time that she wanted to be with you. I think that's a pretty accurate statement. With that said, I dont think she'll ever get to that point (with you or anyone else) without detaching from the ex. She keeps him at bay while she goes out and gets to sample anything and everything out there. I feel she will ALWAYS have that lingering ex situation over everything. 11 years is a long time, and they will linger until its cut off.

 

In terms of how you feel, it's usually pretty merited. If you feel you were being used, you probably were/are. That's not fair to you. I feel you deserve WAY better than someone who is just going to keep screwing around because she doesnt know what she wants. Whether she actually does know what she wants or doesnt, it sadly doesnt matter at this point.

 

It feels confusing because I think you make it so. I would let it ride right now. If its truly meant to have another chance, then it will happen. Talking to her as friends all the time and being around a bunch wont really solve anything.

 

She doesn't complain about the ex a lot, she says she doesn't want to bother me with that. While we were "together", she wouldn't "always go to him" at all, they would talk occasionally to deal with practical issues (their house, etc.) and from what I could tell that was it. Sometimes he would call while we were together, she wouldn't answer most of the time, and since we were together, she would at worst call him back in 1 or 2 days.

 

But since she's living alone, yeah, I've known of a few times he's been to her house for dinner and such. About a month ago she went out with him and a couple friends of theirs (she hadn't done that since they broke up), she felt really bad for me and told me the day before.

 

And it really doesn't make sense to me that she would go back to him... from what she tells me, although there wasn't anything terribly wrong with their relationship, she was very unhappy, and they hadn't even had sex in years.

 

She did tell me a lot of times that this was unfair to me, but I told her not to worry, and I honestly didn't see what the problem was at the time. Now I see...

 

Yeah, I get what you're saying. The ex is still definitely in the picture, and that's not good. I do agree that while the ex is in the picture, we can never have a real relationship. She says to herself that they can be just friends... I've told her sometimes why that probably won't work, she kind of understands but clearly has a difficult time with that idea.

 

I know this isn't the best for me, but I guess I question whether it's better than nothing. I get pretty lonely sometimes :(

 

You said earlier that I should stop talking to her without even telling her? Isn't that kind of rude? She will call me eventually, and would get very worried if I didn't answer. Maybe I just tell her I don't want to talk to her until she's "ready"?

 

EDIT: After reading what you said again, I think I get better what you're saying. She does complain about the ex, but then maintains contact with him. She says it's because she has things to say to him, and feels better when she says them, but yeah, there's more to it then that.

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FredJones80

I agree with ConfusedHumanBeing tbh.

 

Let her go, you'll soon see how much she wants or cares about you if she comes back properly or not.

 

Don't worry about losing her or her finding someone else, you can't make some want or love you.

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Ok, I'm going to stop contact with her. But I would just like to know what you think of the following, which is advice I got a few months ago:

 

"Yes, this began as a rebound and a way to escape pain. Don't take her actions personally. She seems to like you if she is asking you over for dinner and maintaining contact. She needs a friend more than a lover right now. If you push her for more she may cut you off completely. If you give her space and support her emotionally with nothing asked, she may in time think of you as someone she can see herself with when she is ready to re-enter into a relationship."

 

I was kind of following this advice. But it is very hard to follow, and now I'm not sure if it was the best advice.

 

Now I just need to think of what to say to her when she calls me. I'm thinking of saying something like "Look, this thing we're doing isn't working for me. I think we should stop contacting each other, until you've resolved your issues, and are no longer attached to your ex. You may contact me then, if you wish, and if I'm available then we'll see."

 

How does that sound?

 

And thank you for all the input guys, I really appreciate it a lot.

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FredJones80

"Yes, this began as a rebound and a way to escape pain. Don't take her

 

I took the relationship as a rebound too, 11 years is a long time to move on to someone else so quickly - even if she was the dumper. Sad but true.

 

Now I just need to think of what to say to her when she calls me. I'm thinking of saying something like "Look, this thing we're doing isn't working for me. I think we should stop contacting each other, until you've resolved your issues, and are no longer attached to your ex. You may contact me then, if you wish, and if I'm available then we'll see."

 

Personally I quite like that... if SHE contacts YOU. Others might not like it. I like it because it implies you're not interested in being friends, she needs to sort herself out and when she does, you might not be available because you've moved on, but if you are then you may consider something.

 

If you go with this, you have to stick to it and go NC after.

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I think I have accepted that it was a rebound... Although I do feel there was a connection; it's not like she left forever without showing any sign of interest, as if she made some horrible mistake.

 

So having that in mind, my idea was that if I sticked around, without pressuring her, whenever she was really done with her ex and ready for a relationship, she could see me as a viable option. But if I'm not around, when the time comes for her to have a relationship, she might have met someone else she's already closer to. Does this make sense?

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FredJones80
So having that in mind, my idea was that if I sticked around, without pressuring her, whenever she was really done with her ex and ready for a relationship, she could see me as a viable option. But if I'm not around, when the time comes for her to have a relationship, she might have met someone else she's already closer to. Does this make sense?

 

I wouldn't stick around, next time she gets in contact give her your message and then leave her be.

 

Most people will advise moving on, you might meet someone else.

 

Forget what she might do, YOU might of met someone else, that's the way to look at it. If you have then its her bad luck. If you haven't and she is truly over he ex and truly wants to try with you then she will reach out and the ball is in your court to decide if you want to risk it.

 

If she never reaches out then unfortunately you have to chalk it up to experience and move on regardless.

 

Can't keep hanging on for someone who might never come.

 

Sadly, as much connection as you might of felt you can't say for certain how much of that was emotional pass on from her previous relationship. As I said 11 years is a massive amount of time, unless she was in an abusive relationship or something and had emotionally checked out years before splitting up then it would take an immense amount of time to get over 11 years (i should know, I'm at the start of trying to get over 10 years)

 

Sadly, I know this isn't what you want to hear but people (on here) can see things from an outside point of view.

 

The only way you'll know if she has any real interest is to follow your plan and see if she comes in the future, this could be months or years down the line, you shouldn't hang on as you could miss out on opportunities yourself.

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Yeah, I suppose you're right. It's hard to imagine myself with someone else now, I just feel so attracted to her and I can't really imagine feeling that attracted to anybody else.

 

But I suppose that's not true, and I would need to let go of her to give other people a chance.

 

Thanks for giving your honest outside point of view, that's what I came here for. I am not interested at all in deluding myself, I'm just trying to find the "truth"...

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FredJones80
Yeah, I suppose you're right. It's hard to imagine myself with someone else now, I just feel so attracted to her and I can't really imagine feeling that attracted to anybody else.

 

Don't worry, a lot of us are in the same boat.

 

I'm trying to come to terms with my 10 year relationship ending and I never see a point in the future where I'll find someone else attractive. I keep looking around wondering who I might like... blah blah... even the most attractive women who are 100x more attractive than my ex don't even peak my interest, just a faint "meh" ... I guess when you have eyes for one person in particular all the rest don't compare.

 

I guess time will change this for both of us.

 

Either way, you move on, you may not find someone else and she may come back in the end, my only advice is don't hold on for her because it may never happen.

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I agree... it really doesn't seem like it at the time, but people do move on eventually.

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What you're feeling is the withdrawal of the addiction to her. It's your brain chemistry. You stopped being a challenge to her by letter her move in. It's over, the sooner you move on and forget about her, the better off you will be.

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What you're feeling is the withdrawal of the addiction to her. It's your brain chemistry. You stopped being a challenge to her by letter her move in. It's over, the sooner you move on and forget about her, the better off you will be.

 

So you think I have no more chance with her?

 

 

Does anybody else have some input on what I should say when she calls?

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I am going through the same rebound thing but ours only lasted for 3 months and she kept contact with her ex and usually says she loved him more than anything. Well my advice would be to stay away from even friendship because the rebound is loveless it is just a relationship happening because they want to get over the feeling of being alone and heart broken. Once they figure out the new relationship is more a peripheral one and nothing deep they would move on fast. Well i am not comparing anything but maybe it is time for you to focus on yourself and move on keep no contact or less contact and make your life better. If she really wants you in her life she will come back but don't keep your hopes high and get on with your life. I am trying to move on so it is a hard thing but you have to do it there is no other choice. Best of luck with that :))

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Thanks for the input. Yeah, I agree with you.

 

And I've been thinking, and I think I'm not going to restrict contact completely, but just have much less contact. I don't like to put arbitrary restrictions on people unless it's absolutely necessary, I feel that's not very nice/fair to the other person.

 

But I will tell her that this friendship thing isn't working, and that we should see each other less often. I think I could handle the situation well enough that way and get on with my life, without completely excluding her from my life; she's an important person to me in other ways.

 

Maybe I'm being a bit too optimistic now, but if I talk to her saying that this isn't working, and we contact less often, I think I'll be able to get on with things and eventually find someone else. This is hard for me to say, but I've been thinking lately that she might not be the right person for me...

 

Or course, this is easy for me to say now, but if she calls me tomorrow saying "hey! we should go to this new cool restaurant that opened in town", I'm not completely sure if I'll be able to say no :/ But this is part of the problem, sometimes she distances herself, and sometimes she gets closer and initiates contact. When she gets closer I get hopeful, only to feel worse when she distances herself again...

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FredJones80
But this is part of the problem, sometimes she distances herself, and sometimes she gets closer and initiates contact. When she gets closer I get hopeful, only to feel worse when she distances herself again...

 

So you've basically answered your own question.

 

Imagine yourself on elastic. You get close and she pings you away, only to draw you back to do the same ping away action.

 

If you're happy not ever knowing where you stand then continue.

 

My opinion is you want to hold on because you have false hope of something more for someone who might not value you like you value her.

 

Its hard to hear and you will ultimately do what you want or you feel is best. I just hope for your sake she doesn't keep on stringing you along (because you let her) for the next few months/years and then ends up back with her ex where she drops you lot a hot stone never to be seen again.

 

Good luck.

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ConfusedHumanBeing
Thanks for the input. Yeah, I agrtwith you.

 

And I've been thinking, and I think I'm not going to restrict contact completely, but just have much less contact. I don't like to put arbitrary restrictions on people unless it's absolutely necessary, I feel that's not very nice/fair to the other person.

 

But I will tell her that this friendship thing isn't working, and that we should see each other less often. I think I could handle the situation well enough that way and get on with my life, without completely excluding her from my life; she's an important person to me in other ways.

 

Maybe I'm being a bit too optimistic now, but if I talk to her saying that this isn't working, and we contact less often, I think I'll be able to get on with things and eventually find someone else. This is hard for me to say, but I've been thinking lately that she might not be the right person for me...

 

Or course, this is easy for me to say now, but if she calls me tomorrow saying "hey! we should go to this new cool restaurant that opened in town", I'm not completely sure if I'll be able to say no :/ But this is part of the problem, sometimes she distances herself, and sometimes she gets closer and initiates contact. When she gets closer I get hopeful, only to feel worse when she distances herself again...

 

You're going down an awful road. Keep circling around and go no where.

 

Don't listen to the advice and it will backfire on you. Won't be the first and won't be the last.

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:( Thanks for the help guys.

 

So I should just tell her "let's never talk again", like all we've been through, and our current friendship, means nothing? There's something about that that doesn't feel right.

 

But this: "I just hope for your sake she doesn't keep on stringing you along (because you let her) for the next few months/years and then ends up back with her ex where she drops you lot a hot stone never to be seen again." did strike a chord with me. I definitely don't want that to happen...

 

But I also do value her friendship. And I also think she values me a lot, she tells me that all the time. It's just that she still hasn't moved on from her ex.

 

I know what this sounds like... From your point of view I imagine you facepalming when I say these things. I bet this pattern has happened to a lot of guys.

 

Ok, I think I need to focus on the idea that, I'll feel terrible if she goes back to her ex or finds someone else down the road, while I'm waiting for her to be with me. And that I'm always going to feel bad after being with her while she's undecided about me. Got it. I hope.

 

Thanks again.

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FredJones80

The good thing I've found about this site is people tell you what they feel (or experience) is best for you and usually it isn't what people want to hear.

 

But I also do value her friendship. And I also think she values me a lot, she tells me that all the time. It's just that she still hasn't moved on from her ex.

 

I'll feel terrible if she goes back to her ex or finds someone else down the road, while I'm waiting for her to be with me. And that I'm always going to feel bad after being with her while she's undecided about me. Got it. I hope.

 

I think the issue is you're undecided if you can just be friends with her or want more. I feel you want more, so being friends just isn't realistic. Let me turn it around to my situation, my GF decided to end it after 10 years, I really don't want to never see her again, yet I don't want to be just friends with her because I will always want more than that - the solution - I never see her again, hear from her again and she is gone from my life.

 

It is really odd to think that but the other way won't work.

 

You're in a tough place, you want something but may never get it. The simple fact is she isn't over her ex and until that day arrives there will never been 100% room for you. You shouldn't be happy with 50%, nor 60%, nor even 95%, its all you or nothing.

 

I just don't see what good it will do you being friends with her when you want it to be more, no matter how little you see of her.. once a week... once a month... you'll always be waiting for her to give you the nod to say "lets have a relationship"

 

I'm just rehashing the same thing, as I've said before, you'll do what's best for you and in reality that's all anyone does. No matter how many people tell you different if you feel something else then you will do that. Just be careful which path you take because if it blows up in your face you'll have a lot more pain to deal with and we'll probably see you back here in the future. I wish you luck!

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