LondonLou Posted April 28, 2014 Share Posted April 28, 2014 Hi all, Would love to know your thoughts on this one. Me and my ex were in same sex relationship. We were together for 3.5 years. Her parents knew about me, but her friends and rest of the family didn't. (she was very scared of telling anyone the truth as she felt people would ditch her and not want to know) anyway, towards the end of the relationship I become needy and jealous due to the secret and doubted the relationship, as in why she wants to be with me and why it still a secret 3.5 years on. This caused rows then she ended it at the end of Feb. I did all the wrong things of begging, pleading, sending girfts and harrassing for the last 9 weeks, she got her mum to contact me to stay away and her mum said she go police if I carry on with contact. She admitted when we were together I was her best friend and loved me so much. Do I have anychance do you think in time? What are your views? Link to post Share on other sites
David87 Posted April 28, 2014 Share Posted April 28, 2014 It's over, move on. Don't contact her and respect her wish. The fact that she keep the relationship secret for so long was a huge red flag. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LondonLou Posted April 28, 2014 Author Share Posted April 28, 2014 It didn't matter to me as such was a secret, she was just really scared. Do you think I have any hope to getting back? Why do you think she got her mum involved? Link to post Share on other sites
Jiivy Posted April 28, 2014 Share Posted April 28, 2014 I kept my relationship with my ex-fiancée secret for 5 1/2 years from all but my closest friends - we were from two different backgrounds and I was scared that I'd be thrown out for having such a relationship. I agree with David that it's a huge red flag - I also disagree that it can be a problem. I overcame it, I had perfectly good reasons for keeping things under the radar. I'm proud of the effort I made for me and for her, despite how she left. Guess what? When I was old enough to make my own way in life, I spoke to my family. I really was thrown out and was jobless, abandoned...but I got through it. We moved in together and lived with each other for a year, got engaged and would have been married later this year if she didn't leave me for someone else. It takes something VERY powerful to move someone to come out and fight for your relationship when it means conflict at this level. It took me a year of councelling and a lot of internal fighting to overcome my fear. Don't blame yourself for loving someone who had to face such difficulties to make it work. Understand that it wasn't your lack of faith or neccesarily theirs either. It was a hard relationship to fight, be proud that you have such a story to tell. And look at mine - even if she did come out and face the music, it doesn't always end well. I wish I could say the magic words...that she'd be back, that it might work but I can't. I still hold a hope that she'll come back to me too, but every day that ticks on I can feel my hope fading. Give this time and it will settle with you too. I'd recommend detatching yourself from the pain - go NC. Stay around on LS if you wish, know that there are other people in similar situations going through all that you're going through. You aren't alone anymore because you have us. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LondonLou Posted April 28, 2014 Author Share Posted April 28, 2014 Thank you for your kind replies. I don't blame her at all for not wanting people to know I understand her fear, it made me feel when I was with her that she didn't love me enough, and now I am out the relationship, now none of that matter to me. I've tried to make contact and the only thing that is done is push her away as she said I am harrassing her, and she got her mum to contact me. Why would she get her mum, does anyone feel I have chance? Link to post Share on other sites
KaliLove Posted April 28, 2014 Share Posted April 28, 2014 I don't understand why it was a secret. Why would people stop talking to her if she was with you? Is it a religious thing? Link to post Share on other sites
darkmoon Posted April 28, 2014 Share Posted April 28, 2014 I think her Mum wanted you two to split up. She might come back once she gets older and would be less likely to be bossed around by a parent. She already knew that being gay would be an issue to others. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LondonLou Posted April 28, 2014 Author Share Posted April 28, 2014 Not a reliogious thing, and her mum knew about us, I actually spent xmas with her parents, she has got her mum involved as I made all the msitakes of harrassing and texting etc.. So her mum contacted me yesterday being very angry telling me to stay away. The ex is 29, same age as me, and she had such a bad fear of anyone finding out, she was so scared. Its been 2 months since we split, I just want to know if anyone can see her coming back? Link to post Share on other sites
Survivor12 Posted April 28, 2014 Share Posted April 28, 2014 I am sorry that you are hurting so badly, but the truth is that no one--not even your ex--can say what will happen in the future. As difficult as it is, you need to learn to accept what you do know. First, your ex broke up with you. There is nothing you can do to change that. In fact, the efforts you have made have only pushed her further away so the best thing you can do now is stop trying to get her back. It takes time to heal, but it also takes acceptance that the relationship is over and a commitment to oneself to move forward one step at a time. As long as you're looking back, you're facing the wrong direction. Also--and I know that right now it doesn't seem like it, but it's true--eventually, you will find someone who isn't afraid and who can give you the kind of relationship you want. Sadly, your ex has issues that will take years to overcome even after she decides to live her life in the open. In the meantime, learn to let go and give yourself some time to heal. Decide what it is you really want and need in a relationship and when you're ready, you will be able to avoid getting involved with people who can't meet your needs. Things will get better, but first you need to accept that it's over and let go. I wish you the best. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LondonLou Posted April 28, 2014 Author Share Posted April 28, 2014 Thanks for your reply, why do you think it will taker her years to overcome this, even if now she does decide to be her true self? Link to post Share on other sites
Survivor12 Posted April 28, 2014 Share Posted April 28, 2014 Honestly, yes. I know people like her who, even after making the decision to come out, struggled for years with identity issues and overcoming the fear of rejection. The issue is much deeper than what it appears on the surface. It involves self-esteem, loving themselves for who they are and the ability to withstand the risk of being judged and rejection. Your ex has a long path ahead. Even IF she were to bolt out of the closet, the issues won't magically disappear. In fact, one guy I know used promiscuity to prove to himself that he was "accepted" for who he was. Since you don't seem to have those same issues, being with her through the process would only hold you back from living your own authentic life. Honestly, letting you go is more loving than keeping you in the shadows with her. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LondonLou Posted April 28, 2014 Author Share Posted April 28, 2014 How is she ever going to move on then? Or will she just settle with a guy, or will she not realise what we had was amazing and come back to me? Link to post Share on other sites
KaliLove Posted April 28, 2014 Share Posted April 28, 2014 How is she ever going to move on then? Or will she just settle with a guy, or will she not realise what we had was amazing and come back to me? Nobody here can know the answer to those questions. The best thing for you to do is to assume she's not coming back and just try to move on. Link to post Share on other sites
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