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6 Months NC - The Painful Truth


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http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/453606-nasty-email-ex-nc-2-months-8.html

 

Please follow the above link to get some context into the WHOLE story.

 

So guys, Its been 3 months since my last post. So much has happened since then. Its been a long, sometimes dark road.

 

2 Months Ago:

 

I broke NC. I had to retrieve my furniture back, and the engagement ring. The ring is important to me as I felt i just wanted it back. I got the ring back, in an envelope and have not opened it in 2 months. I can't bear to see it. I know it was all an excuse to see her. I just felt i needed to see her again. I have not seen her for 4 months prior. Anyways this is how it went down:

 

I needed to look good. I do look good. I had been training 5 days a week for 4 months. I lost all my body fat, and have a six pack now. My body is in the best shape it has ever been. I wore light tight fitting jeans with a well fitted navy T. Brown belt and a good pair of brown leather boots. I looked good. I just had too, its a natural thing to do. I wanted to see her but i didnt. I was dreading it because i know whatever i do, she just doesnt love me and there is too much water under that bridge. Anyways, I also felt that if i got the ring back and the rest of my furniture, i would be able to let go. I honestly believed that.

 

I arrived, i was terrified but she would never see that. I drove in, and was confident. I walked up to her, chin high and a smile on my face. We greeted each other and hugged. It was not as awkward as i thought it would be because i had played the scenario over and over in my mind prior to the meeting. She proceeded to say, "its so good to see you again". I asked how the family was, bla bla bla, small talk for 2 mins. Got my things and left. She cried.

 

I felt detached. I was a little upset but didn't cry. She didn't look that good, and somewhat different from what i remember her. There was a moment when I looked her up and down and she noticed and asked what? I then replied with a stutter, Ahhh, those shoes are.........cute. Nervous laugh both sides. I was surprised that i didn't cry.

 

The email before before the meeting:

 

She emailed me saying that she is going through a very dark time, and she feels so lost. I responded with, Jamie, I do not want to be that guy that you seek emotional stability from. Im not that person anymore. All i can say is speak to your family. We organised a meeting date and that was that.

 

The emails after the meeting:

 

After I had just left she called me on my mobile. She asked if i had anything of hers. I feel she wanted to talk, but i'm not sure. I said no and hung the phone up. The emails that followed the next day were a mistake. She emailed first and said that it was very difficult for her. She asked how i felt after seeing her. I replied it was something that needed to be done and now we can move on. She replied with, all to often, " i don't want us to end badly". I got upset and said, well we never had a chance to end badly. Our 11 year relationship ended one day, suddenly without warning. There was no chance of it ending badly. It just ended.

 

I then said sometimes the grass is greener on the other side and sometimes it isn't. There are memories i will cherish and ones i need to forget, Good bye.

 

She responded with, " i assure you the grass is not greener and you will always be the biggest part of my life".

 

I did not respond and its been NC for 2 months solid now.

 

What I did tonight. SIGH:

 

Im only human and I have insecurities and make mistakes. I know my head is not right and i miss Jamie everyday because I am in love with her. We are totally different and she is not good for me, nonetheless, the love i feel for the human is deep. She was my first, in every way, and I was going to marry her. She broke my heart in so many ways.

 

My friend that helped me collect and move my things had been talking to her. I suspected nothing much. Some colleagues of mine had warned me to be careful, and this poisoned my mind. Over this last week, i have been thinking that they have been seeing each other. I dont care who Jamie sleeps with, but not my BEST FRIEND. It would kill me.

 

I found out she was a t a Bar close to where my friend lives so, I got in my car at 22h00 and drove there. The idea was to check if my friends car was in the parking lot outside the bar, and leave. It wasn't to my relief. I then had to go into the bar and make sure. Excuse to see her, i know. Anyways, within 30 seconds my eyes navigated her. She was with another guy at the bar. He was not my Best Friend, and i was relieved. He was nothing special either, so naturally i was relieved. Now, she had to atleast see me before i left, so i walked right past her, went to the bathroom and returned. She saw me because she was facing the opposite direction when i returned. I left.

 

I feel better that i know its not my friend, but it was hard to see my 11 year partner and fiance with another guy. She smokes now. sad face. I Have never pursued her, or acted needy. I have tried to move on with my life as healthy as possible. what am i missing?

 

My Psychological Dilemma:

 

My mind isnt right. I hurt everyday and feel grief for her. Somedays its better but its always there. I still love her and cant seem to let go, even though I desperately want to. I am seeing a Beautiful dentist. We are alike in almost every way. She is a perfect match for me but i still love the wrong woman.

 

 

Its been 6 months. I have seen her twice, and the second time was tonight. I did not see her face though. I didnt want to. I miss her. She has changed into something i cant describe. Like a monster, a evil spirit. Im still inlove with someone i hate. Its so messed up. I am broken. She broke me.

 

I am surviving though. The pain is always there but manageable. I cry twice a week. But i just want the pain to go away. If I could erase her memory from my mind i would. Music reminds me of her, Every blonde I see reminds me of her. I look for her wherever i go and i want it to stop.

 

how much longer do i have to wait.

 

Julian

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lil hoodlum

Ya'll were together for 11 years, engaged, and you obviously really loved this woman. It really will take awhile to work through/out all of the emotions surrounding the relationship and the break up.

 

I was with my ex for 4.5 years, bad break up, and it took me close to 1.5 years just for the pain and heartache to go away. I also loved my ex dearly and wanted to marry her. I am coming up on 2 years since the break up. I still struggle at times becuase of the betrayal during/after the break up.

 

I could imagine in your case it will simply just take time to heal your heart and move on. Sounds like you are making some good progress! Good job!

 

Everyone heals at their own pace.

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You will have your good and bad days. Weeks, even. I read through your last thread, and it sounds like you are having a minor set back after weeks of progress.

 

Just believe that in time that it will get better. Act on that belief. Take up a hobby, get immersed in work. Go to talk therapy if it helps. Plug any and all gaps through which you could learn a thing about her, or she about you.

 

Just keep going, and try to work on your life, and enjoy the things you have in your life now.

 

It'll all be better.

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Cerulean Blue

Hang in there Julian.

I couldn't imagine the level of connection you guys shared when mine was 1/10 the length and I find it a struggle.

One thing my counselor tell me. We we have a bad day or moment, always remember to acknowledge it, and let it pass like water under the bridge. "Here's some _____ (sadness, longing, reminiscing)" Don't suppress it, don't encourage it, just acknowledge it and let it pass.

 

Then, remind yourself that you are making progress, and you are coping. You are clearly doing both splendidly!

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Your post is utterly heartbreaking. So much of myself, my fiancée and our relationship there...it kills me to read this and you've moved me to tears.

 

I usually have some advice for people - so borrowed wisdom from the veterans on here or from some book I've read along the way. Your story leaves me coming up short. Julian...

I have no words to give you that could comfort or explain this, I have no answers for you as I have no answers for myself. All I can tell you is that you are not alone.

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Your post is utterly heartbreaking. So much of myself, my fiancée and our relationship there...it kills me to read this and you've moved me to tears.

 

I usually have some advice for people - so borrowed wisdom from the veterans on here or from some book I've read along the way. Your story leaves me coming up short. Julian...

I have no words to give you that could comfort or explain this, I have no answers for you as I have no answers for myself. All I can tell you is that you are not alone.

 

Thank you for the response. I do not want to make the people of this amazing community sad, or feel as there is no hope. I love Jamie yes, but I also know im better without her. I have so much in my life to be thankful for and I have an amazing woman that loves me right now.

 

I do have bad weeks as said before, and some better weeks. I am completely functional and am living a healthy life. I have a group of amazing friends that support and help me.

 

I still love Jamie and it hurts when i think of her. If i could let go, i would be GREAT. I know it takes time but I want to make a concerted effort to forget her.

 

I have taken a step back but I am going to push through and really go NC including trying to control my thoughts. Thanks Guys. Your advice is the best.

 

Julian

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Julian my man.... glad to see that you're ok and got a girlfriend now.

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Sorry to hear you are still struggling with this. Allthough 11 years is a very long time to have been together and six months is not a lot of time for healing.

 

How does your new woman feel about you still being in love with Jamie? Do you discuss it with her?

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Six months is not that long for healing, considering the depth of your feelings for her and how long you were together. I know the pain sucks, and I'm going through it also, but allow yourself the time to grieve and to really feel and acknowledge everything.

 

 

Set backs will happen. Healing is not linear, and as you well know, some days you will be happy and will feel a whole lot better, and other days you'll feel like it's day one.

 

 

You seem like a kind, intelligent and sensitive man. I am truly sorry for your loss, and I thank you for sharing your experience. Just know you are not alone.

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Sorry to hear you are still struggling with this. Although 11 years is a very long time to have been together and six months is not a lot of time for healing.

 

How does your new woman feel about you still being in love with Jamie? Do you discuss it with her?

 

I have told her the truth about everything, saving the gory details but she does not know I still love her. I really like the woman. She is smart, kind, intelligent, Beautiful and we are a good match.

 

I dont feel i need to tell her. I know this shall pass and if i feel as if i am been unfair, or treating her badly i will let her know. We are both happy. If i ever feel like she is unhappy, I will have to tell her that I still love Jamie. I love Jamie, but i will never go back to her. Even if she begged me which will never happen. I have to let this course take its time.

 

In short. I dont want to loose this new girl. She is amazing.

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Six months is not that long for healing, considering the depth of your feelings for her and how long you were together. I know the pain sucks, and I'm going through it also, but allow yourself the time to grieve and to really feel and acknowledge everything.

 

 

Set backs will happen. Healing is not linear, and as you well know, some days you will be happy and will feel a whole lot better, and other days you'll feel like it's day one.

 

 

You seem like a kind, intelligent and sensitive man. I am truly sorry for your loss, and I thank you for sharing your experience. Just know you are not alone.

 

Thank you Zen. I appreciate it.

 

Linear or predictable it certainly is not. Today I feel like calling her and arranging for a luncheon. I will not do it, but I have been feeling like this allot. Its just a fantasy, and i will never go ahead with it. I try keep it out of my mind. Its nice to rant on in this medium sometimes.

 

Love is a hard thing. Sometimes you fall in love with the wrong person. Its true, it happens and it hurts. I do not regret loving though because it made me more of a lovable person. She just wasn't good enough to receive that love i could give forever.

 

I wonder if she will regret it? She has said the grass isn't greener, but i suspect it was a ploy to relieve some of her guilt. Regardless of its importance or relevance, i still ponder on such things from time to time.

 

Can someone please show me where the, "detroy Ex Life", button is?

 

:)

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Sorry to hear you're going through this, buddy.

 

 

The pain has to be tough, and sometimes feels unbearable I'm sure.

 

 

Sometimes people we think we know act in ways which we cannot ever understand. I'm suffering from a situation as well, not nearly as tough as yours and I can't imagine how much worse the pain can get.

 

 

Good luck man it sounds like you've got your head in the right place.

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Sorry to hear you're going through this, buddy.

 

 

The pain has to be tough, and sometimes feels unbearable I'm sure.

 

 

Sometimes people we think we know act in ways which we cannot ever understand. I'm suffering from a situation as well, not nearly as tough as yours and I can't imagine how much worse the pain can get.

 

 

Good luck man it sounds like you've got your head in the right place.

 

Thank you

 

Heads in the right place. Heart is broken. But i shall survive this. I met a old friend today. Have not seen him in years. The first thing he asked was how Jamie was. Sometimes I feel like lying and just saying fine, but I dont think I should deny what happened anymore. I simply just told him we were not together anymore and I really dont know how she is. He then asked for the entire story....blah.

 

Well it helped to rant a bit to him. He did say that there things sometimes happen for the better. I do believe this.

 

Imaginary Destroy ex's life button here --------> o

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Hey All

 

I'm going through the motions. I found out she is living with someone else already. Hurts!

 

Nothing I can do or say can explain it. Im not in a desperate whole of doom, but i'm feeling the pain, and it scares me to think that we are over indefinitely.

 

Not a easy day. I miss her

 

Julian

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movingonnow1
Hey All

 

I'm going through the motions. I found out she is living with someone else already. Hurts!

 

Nothing I can do or say can explain it. Im not in a desperate whole of doom, but i'm feeling the pain, and it scares me to think that we are over indefinitely.

 

Not a easy day. I miss her

 

Julian

 

Hang in there.

 

You don't need to say anything or do anything to explain it. You may be over indefinitely for now - but you never know the future. The key is to keep moving forward and better yourself, improve your strength and have a clear mind to make the right decisions if she ever does come back.

 

You've done great and I promise you that in the end, no matter the outcome of this, you'll be a significantly better person and thankful for all of these experiences.

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