emptyruins Posted April 24, 2014 Share Posted April 24, 2014 Hello, I would appreciate some advice as I'm very emotionally distressed right now. My girlfriend and I Broke Up yesterday (She said she needs space.) However I broke up with her and then tried to retract. We argue a lot, however I love her beyond belief and she says she loves me. The reason I ended it was that she recently posted a facebook status saying "I will now be working night shifts for 2 days, so I need a gym buddy for late night. Any Takers?" Just to give some background she acquired a new job and she's trying to adapt to the night shift and needs to workout later at night. Two guys responded, and one was an ex-fling that she had a crush on and had sex with. She still talks to him from time to time saying that they share common interests but they see each other as friends. She replied to him on Facebook saying where she goes to the gym..and of course the same gym as him...etc.. We've talked about this in the past on how this bothers me, some of her posts and her communication with guys she dated in the past. She always defends herself even though it hurts me. And it makes me look like an insecure jack-ass too. I do not like it, but she says she just likes to talk to them because they're friends and share common interests. I try to understand, but we always get into arguments over things like this. So Monday right after I saw the post I called her furiously and she responded as if she was burnt-out from arguing. She felt there was nothing wrong with going to the gym with a guy she had sex with in the past or any guy late at night. I said it was totally wrong and said she needs to understand this or We're done. She did not understand. She said if I trusted her than there should be no problem. She needs someone to workout with and because none of her close friends are available to workout late at night including me. I told her to go to the gym herself but she doesn't feel safe and wants to workout with someone. Her angle is that I hold her back from her freedom and having friends/Mine is that I believe it's not right to workout with another guy and most definitely not an ex-fling. The next morning I called and rehashed some other things on my mind and then broke up with her, and when I tried to reason and take her back she said no, and needs a few days space. She changed her facebook status to single and blocked me from seeing her friends list. We were kind of at a standpoint. She says she's not happy because she has to ask me for approval before she can do something, and feels she has no space to live her life. Whereas I don't want her hanging out with other guys (facebook friends) and an ex-fling. Am I taking things way out of proportion, or if I trust her, I should give her her freedom? Any advice would be much appreciated. Thanks! Link to post Share on other sites
Jiivy Posted April 24, 2014 Share Posted April 24, 2014 I think the both of you simply have two different views on the situation and you cannot reconcile them. She doesn't see a problem connecting and spending time with people she used to sleep with whilst she's in a relationship. Is that a sign of maturity in her part? Maybe. You don't feel it's respectful of your feelings for her to be connecting up with the guys she used to sleep with, particularly whilst the two of you are in a relationship. Is that a sign of some moral fibre on your part? Maybe. The point I'm trying to make is that both of you probably have points for and against this behaviour. I don't honestly know if there's a right or wrong, I simply know where I personally stand and wouldn't think it would work if my partner was adamant of the opposite. I'd do my very best to empathise the other party's feelings...but if she's not willing to do anything to at least show some compassion for your feelings, than perhaps she's showing you just how uncommitted she is to this. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author emptyruins Posted April 24, 2014 Author Share Posted April 24, 2014 Thanks so much Jivvy. That was some really good advice. She's 25, and I'm 40. She said she loves me, but what your saying seems to be that if she really loved me , then she would put the past behind her? She only does things with me. She doesn't have many friends and before she met me she slept with many guys. We were committed for 2 years. However she got a new job and seems that she has been wanting to do things with friends, but she has very few. So what she does is look for old friends on facebook to fill that void. Link to post Share on other sites
Author emptyruins Posted April 24, 2014 Author Share Posted April 24, 2014 Please does anyone else have advice on this situation? Thanks again. Link to post Share on other sites
Jiivy Posted April 24, 2014 Share Posted April 24, 2014 ... but what your saying seems to be that if she really loved me , then she would put the past behind her? ... I'm saying it's a problem you both need to talk about and reach an adult compromise on. She doesn't want to do that. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Leashy55 Posted April 24, 2014 Share Posted April 24, 2014 I have had the same issues in the past. It bothered me when my ex would talk to his ex-flings. I didn't want any communication there because I wasn't in contact with any of my ex-flings. No matter what, he tried saying that I was overreacting and it wasn't a big deal. This sounds the same as to what she is saying. Move on. She definitely isn't worth it. No matter what they say, they will never change it. They will just say they did something and hide it behind your back. Forget her and move on. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author emptyruins Posted April 24, 2014 Author Share Posted April 24, 2014 Yeah I'm not too sure how we'd compromise that situation. I would let her go out with her girlfriends but she doesn't have too many of those. I'm at such a dead end. I'm really hurt. And I can't stop thinking that she now may be at the gym and doins a lot more with this guy since we're presently broken up. Link to post Share on other sites
Author emptyruins Posted April 24, 2014 Author Share Posted April 24, 2014 Thanks Leashy55..It really hurts. I know it's probably for the best. She said her parents said there's nothing wrong with that. She's young and she should live her life. She told me this guy invited her to a 5k marathon and she was not going to tell me and just do it, but she decided not to. Did your ex take you for granted? Meaning everything in your relationship. I mean why talk to past relationships if you're happy with your partner? She said she wouldn't care a bit if I did that to her. And compares it to me hanging out with my guy friends. There's no comparison. Why would anyone post a status top have someone hang out with them? Is that for attention? Link to post Share on other sites
Poppyolive Posted April 24, 2014 Share Posted April 24, 2014 My 2 cents. I get where you are coming from. You are scared she will leave you or cheat. Yet you have dumped her.... I really think these are your issues and insecurities. Not hers, so why should she suffer, be watched , told who she can and who she cannot hangout with. She has little friends, spends all her time with you. She simply wants a gym buddy. If she was going to cheat on you should would do so with it without your permission yo see this boy. Your insecurities are wearing her down and pushing her away. You've dumped her. Has she ever caused you to doubt her before? Does she understand it makes you uncomfortable? How would she feel if you hung out with your ex? You both need to have an adult conversation, lay out how you feel, welcome her feelings...quite threatening break ups and if you don't do this...we're done. Dude you're 40.you can't control her. I'm sure with proper conversation skills no loosing it at her she will understand where you are coming from. Support each other. Watching her every move, saying who she can hangout with is not healthy traits in a relationship you wish to have succeed. Think about this view, give her the space needed. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author emptyruins Posted April 24, 2014 Author Share Posted April 24, 2014 Thanks Poppyolive..I see where you are coming from when I step back and look from the outside. However is this a lot for me to ask? I've been doing throughout are relationship. Every time she posts something I do not approve of, I tell her about it. I just feel she needs to be more repsectful. You see it as I'm controlling? Whereas I see it as a respect thing. However I guess you can look at it two ways. Unfortuantely she's been unhappy in the relationship for awhile, because of all the arguments. Most of them stemming from hanging out with guys which never happened cause I didn't feel that was appropriate. Link to post Share on other sites
Author emptyruins Posted April 24, 2014 Author Share Posted April 24, 2014 Poppyolive She does understand that it makes me uncomfortable, yet she continues to do it, I think out of spite. No she hasn't given me any reason not to believe her, but she has a history in her past that she like to sleep around, so that's in the back of my mind. She also slept with a guy within the first two weeks we were dating but not "legit." She basically tells me everythng, but I feel it has become less and less. Link to post Share on other sites
Poppyolive Posted April 24, 2014 Share Posted April 24, 2014 Thanks Poppyolive..I see where you are coming from when I step back and look from the outside. However is this a lot for me to ask? I've been doing throughout are relationship. Every time she posts something I do not approve of, I tell her about it. I just feel she needs to be more repsectful. You see it as I'm controlling? Whereas I see it as a respect thing. However I guess you can look at it two ways. Unfortuantely she's been unhappy in the relationship for awhile, because of all the arguments. Most of them stemming from hanging out with guys which never happened cause I didn't feel that was approve. ] Its good you see things from all angles. To answer your questions and if this was me...because I do not know your ex girlfriend. "However is this a lot to ask?" if you asked me to not hang out with so and so....I think that is a lot to ask, you could share your views, concerns & insecurities with me but telling me what to do, I would not be happy, because basically you are telling me what I can and can't do. It would make me feel like walking on egg shells and most importantly tell me straight up YOU DO NOT TRUST ME. I would not tell a partner who he can and cannot hang out with. What I'm trying to say here is this your issue, you fix how you feel about it, if its something you can't handle then let her go. If I felt concerned about a partners doings, I would share my concern i would not tell him what go do, if it crossed boundaries for me, I would choose to leave. But you are trying to mould her into what you want, which you can't. If its not within your boundaries move on. What other things is she posting that you do not approve of? "I just think she needs to be more respectful" she has to do this by herself not because you are telling her to. If you feel she disrespects you then move on. Control and respect thing... Control when you told her not to hang out with the gym buddy she found. If she doesn't its over...that's control. Saying if you don't do this we're over... Is control. You coming back saying if she can do this and that you'll take her back...that's control. You are entitled to feel whatever you feel, in this case you feel disrespected she's hanging out with her ex. She should respect you more and not hang out with him... But there is a better way to deal with this than demand/threaten break up, tell her who she can and can't see...simply state your concern Arguments most steming from hanging out with guys which never happened because you didn't approve. = Control No wonder, she's tired of arguing this is not the first time...dude you are trying to control her. Why don't you let her see how you feel, let her make her own judgments, let her see/hear yoyr concerns, LeT her make the changes necessary. Let her make her own choices, let her play her role in the relationship... By you controlling her is taking away WHO she is. If you don't like who she is then find someone you will like for who she is, Let her find someone who's not going yo watch her every move, berate her Facebook statuses... Link to post Share on other sites
Poppyolive Posted April 24, 2014 Share Posted April 24, 2014 Poppyolive She does understand that it makes me uncomfortable, yet she continues to do it, I think out of spite. No she hasn't given me any reason not to believe her, but she has a history in her past that she like to sleep around, so that's in the back of my mind. She also slept with a guy within the first two weeks we were dating but not "legit." She basically tells me everythng, but I feel it has become less and less. If she's upsetting you out of spite, spare yourself the pain and do not take her back. Whether she's "now" trustworthy or not I think she may be jaded and resentful of your ways. This relationship is over. She hasn't given you any reason not to believe her, but coming down on her and telling her what she can and can't do, is telling her you don't trust her. Her past is her past. If you don't like it then that's fine, but why did you date her for 2 years, did you think you'd suddenly be ok? What did she need to do to remove your insecurities? Because she could never remove them for you...2 years she's done nothing, yet you don't trust her.. It sounds like you've always not trusted her...no trust = massive relationship fail. I'm not disagreeing with you, if you can't trust her, I'm not going to tell you otherwise. But things are only going to get worse, this dynamic created between you will never work. Link to post Share on other sites
lil hoodlum Posted April 24, 2014 Share Posted April 24, 2014 @ emptyruins. I think many people would be uncomfortable with their significant-other being "work out buddies" with a former fling that they had a crush on and slept with. I'm sure this old "crush" would have been a complete gentleman and never make an advancement on your sweety. Oh yeah, never mind, they are just "friends", right? Link to post Share on other sites
Author emptyruins Posted April 24, 2014 Author Share Posted April 24, 2014 Poppyolive, You make a valid point. I guess are values seem to differ at this point in our lives. I really do Love her. She asked me to not contact her for awhile, but I so badly do. I want to make this work. And for me to be with her, if she takes me back (which I'm not sure it's going to happen,) I must accept her current values, otherwise move on. Can you have a healthy relationship if values are different? Link to post Share on other sites
Author emptyruins Posted April 24, 2014 Author Share Posted April 24, 2014 @ emptyruins. I think many people would be uncomfortable with their significant-other being "work out buddies" with a former fling that they had a crush on and slept with. I'm sure this old "crush" would have been a complete gentleman and never make an advancement on your sweety. Oh yeah, never mind, they are just "friends", right? Lilhood, I value your view. This is the way I feel, but I really do love her, but at the same time can't let her live her life if she chooses to do something I'm not a fan of. I guess you left? It seems such a hard/impossible thing to do. The pain of a broken heart is unbearable. Link to post Share on other sites
Poppyolive Posted April 24, 2014 Share Posted April 24, 2014 Poppyolive, You make a valid point. I guess are values seem to differ at this point in our lives. I really do Love her. She asked me to not contact her for awhile, but I so badly do. I want to make this work. And for me to be with her, if she takes me back (which I'm not sure it's going to happen,) I must accept her current values, otherwise move on. Can you have a healthy relationship if values are different? I'm not sure different values usually dooms a relationship. My advice give her space, if she takes you back and you want her back I'd discuss values and how you both could understand each others and still have a healthy relationship. 2 years she's done nothing to cause you concern, yet you still feel she'll cheat because of her past before you. I'd advise som counselling for you individually and in time both of you go to help with conflict resolve. Can I ask why did you dump her If you didn't want to finish your relationship? I believe it was anger and control to make her see your way or the highway. Ya. Don't do that, talk about things, don't go throwing away.... I think the fact that she's tired and doesn't want you back is the last straw, from here its either make for reals this time or break move on....no middle ground. Take this time to get some help. Instead if wondering and worrying what's she's doing. À Link to post Share on other sites
MidwestUSA Posted April 24, 2014 Share Posted April 24, 2014 (edited) Lilhood, I value your view. This is the way I feel, but I really do love her, but at the same time can't let her live her life if she chooses to do something I'm not a fan of. I guess you left? It seems such a hard/impossible thing to do. The pain of a broken heart is unbearable. You CAN let her live her life. You're 40, she just hit the milestone of 25. You're on totally different pages. Your prefrontal cortex has been mature for 13-15 years; hers just got there. Let this one go. Edited April 24, 2014 by MidwestUSA 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Emilia Posted April 24, 2014 Share Posted April 24, 2014 I would let her go out with her girlfriends What do you mean 'let'? Did she need permission from you? I agree that she didn't come across particularly considerate, I completely understand why you weren't comfortable with her hanging out with some former fling. Most people would be on your side I think. However, that 'let' bothers me. Did you two have some kind of a power struggle? Link to post Share on other sites
Author emptyruins Posted April 24, 2014 Author Share Posted April 24, 2014 (edited) What do you mean 'let'? Did she need permission from you? I agree that she didn't come across particularly considerate, I completely understand why you weren't comfortable with her hanging out with some former fling. Most people would be on your side I think. However, that 'let' bothers me. Did you two have some kind of a power struggle? No she didn't but she said she felt like she did. I guess I gave her that impression. However most of the time her and her friends did not go out. If they did it was all of us. However trying to find facebook friends did not sit right with me. Especially how this ex-fling would still text her and post on her wall. It would bother me, and I told her about it,. But it seemed she liked the attention from others besides me. I guess you can say there was a power struggle. However she was the bossy one, and everything had to be here way. Unfortunately I just texted her and said that I believe we can work things out. I haven't heard any response yet. Edited April 24, 2014 by emptyruins Link to post Share on other sites
mtnbiker3000 Posted April 24, 2014 Share Posted April 24, 2014 But it seemed she liked the attention from others besides me. My ex was like this as well. Seems this is the FB way of life. I hate it!!! I won't date people who are hung up on FB. A new policy of mine 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author emptyruins Posted April 24, 2014 Author Share Posted April 24, 2014 I agree. She never posted pics of us. Only in the beginning of the relationship. She would always tell me facebook isn't real, yet she would live vicariously through it. Did that ruin your relationship? Link to post Share on other sites
Author emptyruins Posted April 24, 2014 Author Share Posted April 24, 2014 Are some people still that obsessed with keeping people from the past that they dated and shared chemistry with in their lives at the cost of hurting someone they care about's feelings? Link to post Share on other sites
Author emptyruins Posted April 24, 2014 Author Share Posted April 24, 2014 My ex was like this as well. Seems this is the FB way of life. I hate it!!! I won't date people who are hung up on FB. A new policy of mine I know it doesn't help, but WHY as soon as we breakup she changed her status to single and blocked me from seeing her friend's list on her page. It drives me nuts. You can't tell who they are talking to by their friend's list can you? Link to post Share on other sites
AlphaC Posted April 24, 2014 Share Posted April 24, 2014 You CAN let her live her life. You're 40, she just hit the milestone of 25. You're on totally different pages. Your prefrontal cortex has been mature for 13-15 years; hers just got there. Let this one go. I agree, OP let the little girl live, date someone closer to your age. She is not your daughter, sounds to me like you are suffocating this child and now you dump her and want advice on how to get her back? It might be too late my friend, she is 25 and in her peak, she might have moved on the day you dumped her. Let me give you a little advice. At 40, a man should be confident, experienced enough to not be going head over heals for a woman. He should have more important things to focus on than what his little young girlfriend posts on facebook. Last but not least, he should NOT be dating women 15 years his junior, this girl could be your daughter. I am sure you date young girls because a woman your age wouldn't put up with your controlling behavior. You are too insecure for this girl, work on yourself and then find a woman closer to your age and maturity level. Peace 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts