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Moving on but keeping the door open?


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Cerulean Blue

Hey guys, first time poster, 2 months post BU (or 5.5 months, I'll explain). Would really appreciate some perspectives!

 

Basically I have gone through the most painful part of the break up (I believe). I am wondering what to do, when you know our ex-bf might take a while, IF and when he turns around, and want to keep the door open.

 

It is more or less the run-of-the-mill GIGS break-up, with some complicated bits.

 

  • Dated for around 1 year and 3 months. He is 26 and I am 27, we met at grad school. We were a same-sex couple (relevant as you will see later).
     
  • The relationship was a very good one - great compatibility, lots of adventures, chemistry, common interests, enthralling conversations and lots of laughs. We were friends for 2 months before dating so it was also a relationship based on friendship; over time I fell in love with him.
    We had no major issues/arguments, bar the occasional squabble over minor things.
     
  • He wasn't, and isn't secure about his sexuality - he believes he is bisexual but has never dated women. This has been high on his mind and caused A LOT of anxiety and self-hate. Yet, I have been introduced to his parents, his brothers, and his best friends.
     
  • He was often stressed with uni and other commitments, and I have been a very supportive and loving partner and tried to help him the best I could. ( I am in med school and have some training in helping people with anxiety).
     
  • During the Dec 13 - Feb 14 break I travelled overseas for an exchange trip, and he on a six-week volunteer trip and five-week army reserve training. The night before I left he (out of the blue) said he considered our time apart as a 'break' - and that we should re-evaluate our relationship and even encouraged me to see other people and have some fun overseas.
     
  • Throughout the three months I left him alone - I did not beg, plead, or act needy. We were in touch around once every two weeks and he initiated most of the contacts. I gave him plenty of space to reflect.
     
  • When I came back in Feb (and he finished up a few days before) it took up to weeks to discuss the future. Essentially his insecurity about his sexuality reached a level where he really felt he had to try dating women to know whether he would be just as happy ( flawed logic but I digress). He believed that if he could date women and be happy, his life and career would be a lot easier. He was very career-driven and it often took priority. He was also insecure about not dating enough people (of either gender) and wanted to experience more. I was his first serious partner and second person he's slept with.
     
  • He believed that he couldn't 'invest' in the relationship as much as I do, couldn't commit to it in the long-term and he shouldn't keep me waiting. We couldn't agree on the terms of an open relationship ( he couldn't guarantee commitment if we opened the relationship up) so broke up. Clearly this was more what he wanted, but it was also somewhat mutual.
     
  • The break-up didn't involve fights and was very mature and dignified - although we both cried and there were lots of hugs, kisses, and cuddles. We loved each other (although he never used the L word because he hadn't a precedent to compare to, he said). There was no begging, pleading, bargaining, etc. I said I respected his wishes and understand why he felt that way.
     
  • He wanted us to be friends, even FWB because he generally wasn't very good with picking up/dating game and he'd be single for a while. I agreed to the friendship. (Possible mistake!?!)

 

Since the BU in Feb 14

  • We didn't really have a NC period - we were in touch intermittently and the longest period is around 4-5 days.
     
  • He initiated just about 1/3 of all the contacts (texts, calls), and I was more proactive than he. I obviously was still quite attached at the initial stages! He had always been very prompt with responses. I have since scaled back realising that it was too much and it risked drawing me in again.
     
  • We met regularly for meals or coffees, and conversations are usually very good and sometimes involved flirting. I am thinking of scaling this back.
  • We had initially slept together several times. I have since told him we couldn't do that anymore because it was simply inappropriate and would keep me attached.
     
  • I still think of him a lot, sad sometimes, and wish to be back with him one day. But I do not feel it is based on fear or insecurity.
     
  • Unlike my previous break-ups I sustained very little damage to self-confidence. By sheer (luck? chance?) I met some good-looking, intelligent potentials and even went on a few dates! I enjoy the company but I don't feel ready to start a new relationship yet.
     
  • I usually go to the gym 3-4 times a week but stepped it up to 5-6 times a week to give myself an extra boost - and I feel like I am in excellent shape. I spend a lot of time with friends, family, and studies.
     
  • One month since B/U (late march) he gave me some very thoughtful presents for my birthday (in person) and wrote a heart-felt card to apologise for not being able to be the person "I deserve". He hinted that he wanted to travel to a place with me in the future, but it could just be platitude.
     
  • He sometimes quizzed me about whether I was seeing people and insisted that he wanted to see me happy and out in the 'field' again. I am not sure what his true intentions were. I have since set some boundaries since and made clear that I didn't want to know about his dating ( I presume he is looking to see people, although perhaps hasn't found one yet), nor did I wish to discuss mine. I don't want to be a buddy or friend-zoned!
     
  • I also don't think NC is the way to go because it wasn't a hostile break-up, we have kept in contact so far, and I feel like if I go NC now it'd build up resentment because it will hurt him too.

 

 

 

Summary

Fairly mutual break-up after a three-month break with LC and another two-months of more intense communication/activities. Some sleeping together and still a lot of contacts since BU, but I am scaling back. I feel good at the moment but still a little attached, and occasionally feel sad about the break-up.

 

 

So, as it stands, I believe we are still attached to each other. His heart clearly still has feelings for me but his head is leading him the other way (to find an 'easier' life?) - and also simply dating more people. I realise that even if he turns around and wants a reconciliation it might be a while away and I can't wait. Even with obvious alternatives, I still feel a sense of attachment and longing - not for what we had but for the person that he is. I really believe I made genuine connections with him.

 

I want to keep the door to reconciliation open, but I also realise I need to move on as well. Is it possible to do both? Is keeping some level of contact and meeting up occasionally (without sleeping together, of course!) the way to go? Or am I fooling myself and playing doormat?

 

Thanks so much guys!

Edited by Cerulean Blue
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PhillyConnection23

First of all, let me say that I believe in love. I believe in two people working out their issues and ending up spending the rest of their lives together. However, as a straight male, I think almost every male can be reduced to one of these:

 

1. Player. Looking to get laid as much as possible by anyone as often or whenever possible.

 

2. Bachelor. Completely ok with smoking a bowl while playing call of duty and finishing themselves off every morning/evening.

 

3. Adult. Ready for a committed relationship and eager to grow with their partner.

 

In my opinion, this guy is still a #1. He knows he can get the milk for free so isn't ready to invest himself in the relationship.

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mtnbiker3000
First of all, let me say that I believe in love. I believe in two people working out their issues and ending up spending the rest of their lives together. However, as a straight male, I think almost every male can be reduced to one of these:

 

1. Player. Looking to get laid as much as possible by anyone as often or whenever possible.

 

2. Bachelor. Completely ok with smoking a bowl while playing call of duty and finishing themselves off every morning/evening.

 

3. Adult. Ready for a committed relationship and eager to grow with their partner.

 

In my opinion, this guy is still a #1. He knows he can get the milk for free so isn't ready to invest himself in the relationship.

 

Hahahahaha... #3 might be the worst one of all for a guy. I was here. And got run over by a freight train. Destroyed. Decimated. Ruined. Game over!!!

 

#2 ain't so bad!!!!

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Whilst a bit of an over generalisation, I think it's fair to say the majority of men on LS are "#3"'s, hence their need to visit and heal!

 

I don't think you're by far alone in the camp of "partner left me to try new things" camp. I sure as hell am there as boy, it SUCKS.

 

The vets on LS will likely echo the same words - and as counter intuitive as this sounds, the door is best kept open by closing it. You deserve to be with someone who reciprocates the love you give them without such conditions. You have to accept that first.

 

You deserve to be with someone who genuinely gives a ****.

 

This guy clearly doesn't - or at least isn't sure. You've got 4 outcomes to your scenario:

 

1) you hang around and he eventually gets bored, finds another partner and you sit back watching him fall in love with someone else.

 

2) you hang around and eventually he picks himself up, decides to take you back - and you have to deal with the crushing doubt and pain of knowing that this man gave up on you once...you'll never for the rest of your life see him as an equal partner in love. He'll forever be the doubter.

 

3) you maintain NC and break the habit. Over time, with great pain, you learn to find joy outside of the relationship. Maybe you even find someone new without these doubts and he never comes back.

 

4) you do the same as in 3...only this time he comes back. But you've learned to be OK without him, you can take an objective view on the relationship and decide with a level head if you're both truly ready for the commitment each of you expect.

 

 

I hate this logic because I want to hold on, like you. I don't want to admit that NC and moving forwards is logically the best way to reconcile anything in the future if they change.

 

But it's true. I'm sorry.

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Summerrose2013

Ah my ex definitely a #2!!

 

What I object to here is the pain he will be causing to the women he is using to work out his sexuality. I read this that he is gay but is feeling a lot of pressure not to be. Possibly also wants kids - will mess up some girls life before finally becoming true to his real self.

 

If you are happy to give him PLENTY of time, then you may end up together, but good for you keeping confident and having your own life too.

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Simon Phoenix

I'm definitely a No. 2, though I did make a foray into No. 3-ville with the ex that brought me here, which scared the f--k out of me and ultimately helped lead to the break in that relationship. Though I don't really play video games anymore, No. 2 is me to a T.

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Cerulean Blue

@ Summerrose: Thank you so much for the support! It means more to me than you think :) I still have my good and bad days though, that awful feeling when you don't have a lot of hope for a good outcome and you're left with the sadness and longing for something that is gone.

 

Yes I agree. While I can't say whether he is gay or bisexual, it really shouldn't take someone to sleep with somebody to figure out the gender(s) that perosn is attracted to. My fear is if he represses his sexuality to marry someone and have children - the poor children and woman! And he would be suffering, too. But there is nothing I could (or should) do for now. I just don't want him to be one of those married men who sleeps with other men on the side you know?

 

@Jiivy - thank you for dissecting the situation so succinctly. I was hoping I could not go quite as drastically as NC, since we are in good terms. I was hoping I could scale it down to a level which a) does not make me a constant presence and hence not being taken granted, but b) also keeping things friendly. But I realise this is unrealistic. Where does one draw the line! I think I am still clutching straws. I know exactly what you mean!

 

 

I have found a lot of space and tranquility (despite the longing and sadness) over the last week because he is away on a family holiday and he has only communicated with me once ( I ended it fairly quickly). The concern is he mentioned we and two mutual friends should go to a comedy show in a fortnight's time. I was non-committal but there is certainly going to be further communications in the future. I think going to the show is out of the question but my emotional reactiveness to the communication will be a benchmark of whether I should cut things down even more drastically (or cut off altogether).

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Cerulean Blue
I'm definitely a No. 2, though I did make a foray into No. 3-ville with the ex that brought me here, which scared the f--k out of me and ultimately helped lead to the break in that relationship. Though I don't really play video games anymore, No. 2 is me to a T.

 

I'd like to get to #2 Simon! I enjoy having a partner with whom I connect emotionally (although space for myself is sacred). Unfortunately I feel most men are #1 until they are too far past their prime. #2 is a happy neutral ground - to be content in my own company all the time :p

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Hi Cerulean Blue,

 

Your relationship with your ex definitely contains elements of what I had with mine, only I'm more in the shoes of your ex:

 

1) not the lack of love, rather the uncertainty of sexuality playing a big part in your break-up. Maybe also a lack of maturity from his side, knowing who he is, knowing what he wants.

 

2) the doubt about which strategy to follow: NC or LC - very very recognizable... NC feels too bitter and too risky for losing all your emotional attachment, LC feels risky too because you'd like to keep in control and not let it get in the way of your own healing.

 

3) the sense that you two made genuine authentic contact

 

4) the feeling that you need to give him time, but not at cost of yourself

 

The guy sounds genuinely confused and he sounds like he genuinely cares for you. Still, you did well keeping him at a distance because he might slip into a comfort zone and 'friend zone' you, while he's trying to find out what he really wants. He sounds more gay than bi though if he's never had anything at all with a woman. But he definitely needs to find out and he needs to experience it before he can make his decision. The best for you would be to go NC during that period and create a safe, fun environment where you can grow yourself and be around people you love. Best for you would be to get your mind off him and - as much as I hate to say it... - maybe explore for yourself how dating a gay man feels like. Does it feel better? Do you need the safety from a gay man or can you live with a bisexual? Those might be issues that might come up later in your relationship anyway, and these might be answers you need for yourself to answer. Can I ask what makes you still long for him when you acknowledge there are other handsome, interesting potentials around? Was it your connection?

 

I think you need to go NC for at least a full 4-5 weeks to get more detachment from him. Maybe let him know beforehand. You'll be able to see things more objectively. I can tell you though it feels very scary choosing that option. I did, and I'm still doubtful, but I know I need to work on myself or I can't give myself nor him an opportunity for happiness.

 

I don't know if my advice helped you a lot. I wish you well. Good luck mate.

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Cerulean Blue

Thank you Manu, the advice is really useful and more importantly, I gained some insight that I wouldn't otherwise get.

 

It is definitely very scary and difficult to grapple with going full NC. We were first and foremost good friends. If a typical relationship starts by explosions of passion, ours was a series of slow burning and sparks becoming brighter and brighter as we built the emotional connection. Obviously it wasn't sufficient to hold the relationship together in the end... I am rambling, but the point is, it is extraordinarily difficult to go NC because it implies the dismantling of the friendship we've had as well.

 

@Jiivy hit the nail on the head:

"I hate this logic because I want to hold on, like you. I don't want to admit that NC and moving forwards is logically the best way to reconcile anything in the future if they change."

 

As to why I miss him, I guess it is just him as a person, but it is inexplicable. I have people I could see now who are at least objectively comparable, I don't have the fear of losing him forever (although I clearly would like to date him again) and my mood isn't dependent on whether he communicates or not. Yet I don't want to let go???? In the end, I'd be happy to be able to see him truly happy regardless of whether we end up dating each other again. But in order for me to do that, I will need to neatly package what we had in a box and tuck it somewhere.

 

So maybe NC is the way to go - I have no idea how to phrase it. Our break-up was less unequal than the typical dumper-dumpee situation (I am still technically the dumpee), and he seemed to be under the impression that we could switch from partners to friends like *that*. The separation might only dawn on him when I go NC and I am not sure whether he would be hurt by that. He is actively trying to date girls now, but given his past history, it might take a while and he'll be quite lonely (although who knows, he could get lucky!). In a situation when he knows he has to figure out himself, I fear that my absence will create resentment rather than longing.

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Hi Cerulean Blue,

 

You are very considerate of his feelings. You want to support him while he is finding himself. You want to be there for him while he is trying to build his life. I get the impression that you haven't thought nearly as much about how the whole process would influence yourself.

 

What if he finds that someone/that life/that relationship while you were standing on the sideline and cheering him on? Will you think "Phew, what a relief, now I can finally build mine?" Won't that feel a lot tougher than separating now and focusing on yourself without going through months more of drama?

 

I think you're fighting with the same dilemma as I am. It looks like you are trying to keep some sort of grasp you feel you have on your connection with him, you want to remain a sense of control that you had because you were standing beside him and it feels safe to know what he's up to, what he's doing, while remaining close to him.

 

But I think you will benefit more from the same advice you gave to me ;) you don't have control of the situation anymore. He made his decision: he can't be with you. You could say that he might come back, but for now: he can't. And that won't change until he and only he knows. Only he can find out what he wants. Remaining close to him will not change that. Focus on what you do have control over: your own happiness, not his.

 

Might you be too afraid of losing him forever and is that why you are not applying the No Contact rule?

 

What if you just nicely and calmly explain him that you genuinely wish him the best, but that you fear you will get hurt if you watch his life from the sideline by being too close to him and you fear you won't be able to evolve yourself with him remaining in the picture too much? If he doesn't want the relationship, and you do, you are in the perfect right of telling him that's too much for you to handle and you wish to just kindly separate your roads to build something for yourself, at least for a few months. With no guarantees. He should and I think will understand that. And if he can't get past a feeling of resentment, would you even want to be with him? Would you like a partner who can't be considerate of your feelings too? If he's even remotely empathic, he should understand your point of view. That's really a basic. Damn, that sounds like such womanly gossipy advice, but I mean it.

 

Good luck.

Edited by Manu25
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Cerulean Blue

Thanks again Manu

 

I agree with what you said, but just to clarify, it was never my intention to 'cheer him on the sidelines'. It is merely my inability to grapple with cutting ties together, when we have been keeping in touch in the last two months. Was it constructive? No.

 

However, my current strategy is down-titration: reducing the amount of contact by trial and error to the point where it doesn't damage me too much emotionally. (I think most people on LS will give a collective HELL NO at that statement and think the only way to do no damage is NC). This is done by very low level contact. Listing of clear barriers - no discussion about our own personal lives unless there is a reason we must know, for example. My ex has been respectful of the barriers we have agreed on (so far).

 

But why do I persist knowing that it will cause pain? To keep the communications channel open. Why? False hope, attachment, but also the unwillingness to demolish the last vestige of connection.

 

I don't think I ever intended to stay close to him and 'cheer him on the sideline' however - as you said, I have no control over what he will do or what he wants. The ultimate goal is, back to the title of this thread, to keep the door open - perhaps tantamount to keeping the lid to Pandora's Box open. I am not hoping to reconcile - but I believe less damage is done if the lines of communication isn't closed for significant amounts of time ( I am talking about months).

 

I will get to the point where I am either trudging along my moving-on process while keeping the communication channel open, or, to a point of frustration where I will cut off all contacts. I will keep LS updated and people could learn from my (likely) mistakes :)

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Hey Cerulean Blue,

 

How have you been the last few days?

 

Sorry if my words might not have been a good description of what was actually happening. Maybe calling it 'cheering on' was a bit too strong, but I did get a sense in general that you are still putting his needs a bit on a pedestal. I could be wrong though.

 

I must say generally my persistence in not contacting my ex has done me good. I am still convinced that a (albeit short) period of NC would do you good, for let's say 6 to 8 weeks. (I know, it seems long, right) If you guys are a truely good match and you truely care about each other, I think you'll be able to reconnect after that period. If not, then the short pain of going NC is a better deal if it gives you an honest view of your past relationship with him and a better feeling about yourself. It will give you room to breathe, you'll see him more objectively and you'll be able to tell better if the relationship is really what you want.

 

Anyway, I'll finish my rant ;-). Take care. And keep us posted!

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Cerulean Blue

Hey Manu

Thanks so much for checking in.

No no, I really appreciate the candour. I am evidently still actively considering his needs (your instincts are correct) - even today I came across an excellent blog about using time effectively that I wanted to share with him. But I did hold back, and it felt empowering.

 

I have come to appreciate the benefits of NC - We have basically gone NC in for about 10 days in the last two weeks and it helped me to become more detached. I don't know why I am so reluctant and finding ways to justify not doing that. Perhaps I just don't have the courage? I don't understand what it is I am holding on!

 

Some updates:

 

Two weeks ago I met him out out for a quick drink (yes, I am gasping to think that I did that too) while he had some out-of-state friends visiting (who don't know he is bi, nor we dated). At the end of the night he exploded at me because I patted him on the back and took a his beer for a taste - because 'normal friends do not do that". The outburst took me by surprise (our interactions had been cordial and light) and made me appreciate the extent to which he was tormented by his sexuality.

 

Needless to say I was upset. The outburst was disproportionate. He rang two days later to apologise, and we had a short conversation. I cut it short because I realised our level of interaction (at that stage) was way too high. I hadn't initiated contact since then, and we didn't contact one another for over ten days. It was peaceful, even though he was on my mind a lot and I missed him. It was healing.

 

A few days ago coming back from uni break, he texted me to ask me whether I would be studying at the uni library, and that I should let him know when I do. He had run into me a few times there before - we both study there almost every night. I avoided the library for two nights.

 

Today in a moment of weakness(and partially due to the fact that I didn't want to appear like I was ignoring him or playing games), I texted him to let him know I was indeed going to be there - the first time I initiated contact over two weeks.

 

We only had a brief encounter. It was really surprising to me that I didn't react strongly when I saw him - bar the small tang of excitement just before meeting him. We sat next to each other and studied independently most of the time. We did exchange quick updates at the coffee queue and I did placate him on some study anxieties (I know, I was being a door mat!). Although surprisingly, it didn't provoke an emotional reaction in me to do that either. He left abruptly about half an hour after we saw each other to meet his parents. (his parents were visiting from from a different state and are staying at his place, I presume). THAT made me feel saddened. Perhaps in the back of my mind I was expecting a more lengthy time together, maybe even a quick dinner? BAD BAD BAD!

 

So, my point is, I am beginning to appreciate the point that you're emphatically making: I need to go NC. I am just procrastinating!!

 

Also another complicating factor: in mid July I will be placed in a different hospital 1200 km away for 4 weeks, and I think it is a natural NC period. If I go NC now, might it be too long (over three months!)

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If I go NC now, might it be too long (over three months!)

 

Do you mean might it be too long and he's going to forget about me? Nop. It's not too long. You need to get to the point where you think "who cares what/if he thinks about me".

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Cerulean Blue
Do you mean might it be too long and he's going to forget about me? Nop. It's not too long. You need to get to the point where you think "who cares what/if he thinks about me".

Hey Elle

 

No, I don't think I fear that he will forget me. I guess it's (still) hard to burn all the bridges, so to speak. While painful, he really had tried to make it the least painful possible - and have been respectful of my boundaries. It just feels so... vindictive and almost unnecessary? Our communication is but a trickle compared to what it had been in the last 8 weeks post BU.

 

Plus, it'll be a lot more to rebuild if we are in each other's lives in one form or another. (If he wants to reconcile now it would have been an emphatically a no. But if he comes back later, having figured himself out, it's an emphatic yes.)

 

Maybe I am bargaining again...

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Hey Elle

 

No, I don't think I fear that he will forget me. I guess it's (still) hard to burn all the bridges, so to speak. While painful, he really had tried to make it the least painful possible - and have been respectful of my boundaries. It just feels so... vindictive and almost unnecessary? Our communication is but a trickle compared to what it had been in the last 8 weeks post BU.

 

Plus, it'll be a lot more to rebuild if we are in each other's lives in one form or another. (If he wants to reconcile now it would have been an emphatically a no. But if he comes back later, having figured himself out, it's an emphatic yes.)

 

Maybe I am bargaining again...

 

Ok then.. go NC for good.

 

I do believe that we need to kick ourselves in the butt and move forward. It hurts, it's painful as hell, we get set backs, rainy days suck even more when we're alone, etc.. been there, done that. Still there actually, but I find that moving on is the only way to get better and be better.

 

And beside, a man will sniff it out real fast if I am still hung up on my ex when I meet someone I like. :)

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Cerulean Blue

Oops, I realised how poorly phrased the last bit was.

I meant that if I burn all the bridges I'd be a lot harder to rebuild with my ex later- be it friendship, a second chance, or even just acquaintance.

But maybe that logic is demonstrative of why I need to go NC- it'd be hard to date others if I am not completely over my ex!

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Let me put it this way...most of my exes came back once I started going hard NC. My recent ex dumped me 2 1/2 months ago and came crawling back 3-4 days later.

 

She dumper me again 2 weeks ago and I only had a txt conversation with her that turned into a fight again.

 

I know you must have a thousand questions in your head about what your ex is doing or dating or whatever but do your thing and carry on with your life. I'm not saying the ex won't comeback but try and let that hope fade away. I'm not expecting mine to come back...but yes I still got a little bit of hope but going NC will help

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Oops, I realised how poorly phrased the last bit was.

I meant that if I burn all the bridges I'd be a lot harder to rebuild with my ex later- be it friendship, a second chance, or even just acquaintance.

But maybe that logic is demonstrative of why I need to go NC- it'd be hard to date others if I am not completely over my ex!

 

That's where you are wrong. You will be building on new solid ground. If you keep being on contact with the ex, you're not allowing the ex to forget the bad and miss you. You keep the relationship on the same bad foundations.

 

I believe the second chance will only work if changes have occurred. If we really want a second shot the behavior of both parties need to have made some adjustments. And I mean both really.

 

I recognize my part in my break up, just as he has made mistakes too.

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Hey Cerulean Blue,

 

I've got to agree with Elle here. But you know my view already ;).

 

I understand your fear more than anything. But it gets a LOT better. Personnally, I've been feeling quite good again. And I still think complete NC with my ex now (after 7 weeks almost now) is the best thing I could have done for myself, but maybe also for our relationship if we ever were to reconcile. Okay, admittedly, I don't know what he thinks. Does he feel bitter? Angry? Does he feel resentment towards me? Has he made up his mind that he never ever wants to date a bisexual man again? Possibly. Is he dating someone else now? I could try and find out, but I choose not too, and it's totally fine. I still have him on my facebook, but I consciously don't go and check his profile anymore, it's been more than a week now (when I felt bad), because I know it's no use. It would only set me back to find out he's having a great time without me, or maybe even dating someone else. And besides, unless i have found some answers for myself, there's no use anyway for me to try and get back with him. And there's even less use for me to hurt myself trying to think about him while inside I still feel a void that is caused by my own insecurities that only I can resolve and no one else. I feel more relaxed, I feel happier, I'm investing time in myself and I'm beginning to find stability in myself again. I feel like I can also see his flaws now, and if we were to get back together, I know what we'd have to discuss and work on better, and if not, I know that I could try to find someone who has better qualities in the few departments I see us not matching that well.

 

Overall, it's been a positive experience and it's given me fresh air and inspiration about myself and my issues. It's made me relax. I don't NEED a relationship to be happy. It's not the end all be all. I think it could be the same for you. There WILL be resentment if you go NC. Temporarily. On both sides. But not any more - in fact, I think way less - than a prolonged longing for each other, trying not to let the other slip away and trying not to be dishonest to them while in the mean time, his priorities ly with himself (as yours are/will be/should be too).

 

Anyway, I understand your fear... I've felt horrible not letting my ex know anything. But it's a beautiful thing to get past it. I think if you'd acknowledge that you're acting out of fear, you'd be more capable of letting go and be confident that it'll work out.

 

Take care mate.

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Hey Cerulean Blue,

 

I've got to agree with Elle here. But you know my view already ;).

 

I understand your fear more than anything. But it gets a LOT better. Personnally, I've been feeling quite good again. And I still think complete NC with my ex now (after 7 weeks almost now) is the best thing I could have done for myself, but maybe also for our relationship if we ever were to reconcile. Okay, admittedly, I don't know what he thinks. Does he feel bitter? Angry? Does he feel resentment towards me? Has he made up his mind that he never ever wants to date a bisexual man again? Possibly. Is he dating someone else now? I could try and find out, but I choose not too, and it's totally fine. I still have him on my facebook, but I consciously don't go and check his profile anymore, it's been more than a week now (when I felt bad), because I know it's no use. It would only set me back to find out he's having a great time without me, or maybe even dating someone else. And besides, unless i have found some answers for myself, there's no use anyway for me to try and get back with him. And there's even less use for me to hurt myself trying to think about him while inside I still feel a void that is caused by my own insecurities that only I can resolve and no one else. I feel more relaxed, I feel happier, I'm investing time in myself and I'm beginning to find stability in myself again. I feel like I can also see his flaws now, and if we were to get back together, I know what we'd have to discuss and work on better, and if not, I know that I could try to find someone who has better qualities in the few departments I see us not matching that well.

 

Overall, it's been a positive experience and it's given me fresh air and inspiration about myself and my issues. It's made me relax. I don't NEED a relationship to be happy. It's not the end all be all. I think it could be the same for you. There WILL be resentment if you go NC. Temporarily. On both sides. But not any more - in fact, I think way less - than a prolonged longing for each other, trying not to let the other slip away and trying not to be dishonest to them while in the mean time, his priorities ly with himself (as yours are/will be/should be too).

 

Anyway, I understand your fear... I've felt horrible not letting my ex know anything. But it's a beautiful thing to get past it. I think if you'd acknowledge that you're acting out of fear, you'd be more capable of letting go and be confident that it'll work out.

 

Take care mate.

 

I agree; it's a painful process. In a lot of posts I read "I just can't". Can't imagine life without him, can't see how anynody else will make me happy, can't get over her, etc.. I say "sure, you can". I am not all and mighty; I am in the same boat. However, I realise that what I can't do is live in hopelessness. I am strong. I will beat this.

 

If he crawled back to me tomorrow, I would give it another shot. I would behave differently for sure, but I would try again. And the poor guy would work for it. So my goal is to get to the point where I don't want to try again. To get to the point where i couldnt give a rats @ss about a second chance.

 

For the past couple days I have improved a lot. A nice day feels good again. I have my new gym membership and I'm dropping 15 pounds. Point is, I am happy with myself again. Sounds dumb, but I missed me. :-)

 

I am on my tablet, painfull typing... sorry if the spellin is off.

 

Anyway.. go nc, rebuild the relationshipwith yourself, and then add someone to a life that you already enjoy by yourself.

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