Did she have GIGs or was I crappy boyfriend?

[PhillyConnection23]

Hey guys, I would appreciate any feedback or insights you can provide. I'm not really sure if she had a case of the GIGS or if she had legitimate reasons to break up. Yes, I understand the implications of using "legitimate" in breakups, just take it with a grain of salt.

 

Its been a month since the break up and I've mostly been in the no contact thing (helps being long distance and her making 0 attempt to contact me). I've done a pretty good job recently of moving on, focusing on myself and getting my priorities in order. I'm not asking this to see if we have a chance to get back together but just to get some more outside insight about it. So without further ado..

 

We were dating for about 9 months. I'm 26, slightly more experienced and she is 23, I was her first real relationship and first for a lot of other things. Despite the relatively short time span, we grew very close very fast. The first 4 months we fell in love pretty hard with each other but unfortunately had to go long distance because of my job. Despite the 3 hour distance we still managed to speak every day/night and visit each other on weekends. We traveled, met family, friends and all the other things you would expect a couple to do together. Never fought and if we disagreed it was a civil discussion. She was my partner and when we were together I felt like we could take on the world together.

 

A month ago, seemingly out of the blue (and the day after my birthday) she drives up to visit me (I'm thinking its a surprise party or something) and says "we need to talk." She says that she hasn't been happy for a long time and that she needs someone in her corner who will "fight for her." The whole break up lasted about 5 minutes and then she drove home. I proceeded to "fight for her" and followed after her, trying to get her to reconsider but it was no use.

 

I ended up leaving her a voice-mail the next day and got a text back saying "I know you are hurt but we are done, there is nothing you can do to change my mind. You can't change and I shouldn't want you to. Please stop contacting me." Despite this I did call her a few days later and got the closure I was looking for:

 

She said in this last conversation that "she doesn't know who she is anymore" and that "I don't have friends anymore." She mentioned that she felt I wasn't listening to her when she spoke about her feelings and was unsure if I ever actually loved her and that because of these two things I hurt her and she can't try again. She also went into detail about how she needed to stand up for herself and if she didn't do this now she never would and would resent me in the future.

 

Another claim she made was that she felt like, and I'm paraphrasing: "There is no me in this relationship." She would sit around waiting for me to call or would over-analyze every conversation we had. I have a major issue with these claims because I never required or expected her to be around when I called and would encourage her to pick things for the both of us to do when together. Her response to this was "I was afraid to recommend things because of what you would say." Internet people, I never said no to any show/restaurant/activity she wanted to do. I may not have been overly enthusiastic to go to an art exhibit but I was still happy to be with her.

 

As much as all this was to me, she suggested that if I changed my behavior at the last time she brought her feelings up (about two weeks before the break up) that she would still be with me. My response was a little incredulous in that our 9 month relationship would have been salvaged if I was only two weeks faster. This kinda showed me a level of emotional/relationship immaturity.

 

Admittedly, we had some in depth conversations over the last three months about our feelings and I think this is where her idea that I wasn't listening came from. Instead of sitting down to thoughtfully address her concerns I kinda just looked at her and said "I love you, you don't need to dwell on these things. I'm not going to run away from you."

 

Clearly this hurt me pretty bad at first but I started to think about it. I know I loved her, I told her and showed her (admittedly, in a way different than she preferred) the best that I could. Two weeks before the break up (the last time we saw each other) we were talking about our future together (she brought it up), how I wanted to spend more time alone with her on weekends instead of just family events or meeting up with friends. I could tell during the last conversation she still had feelings for me and I'm almost 100% positive there isn't another guy in the picture.

 

Furthermore, I always gave her distance when needed (hell, we lived 3 hours apart). I always recommended her spending time with her friends and encouraged her to do it more because I knew how important they were to her.

 

I know the long distance thing was getting to her. We had spoke about it a few times and though it wasn't clear what the end game was, we told each other we would make it work. Unfortunately, the day she broke it off was the day I got approval to move back to her city in a few months.

 

One final note, I know she wanted me to avoid contacting her to protect herself from pain. She was always that type of person and frankly I would have been more surprised if she wanted to just "be friends."

 

So what do you think? Was the grass greener on the other side? Or was I just a bad boyfriend for not communicating better with her?

 

Edit: Sorry for the wall of text, longer than I expected...

Edited April 22, 2014 by PhillyConnection23

[johnson_j]

Its hard to say brother, something like this reeks of another guy or interest (maybe an ex?) in the picture.

 

 

I strongly believe that women don't just "lose" feelings overnight. She found an excuse to break up with you ("you didn't listen") and used it against you to relieve her guilt.

 

 

Hard as it is sounds like you should let this lost girl go.

[Chi townD]

Blah!....that's all a load of crap if what you're saying is true. That you did give her space and encouraged her to go with her friends.

 

 

She trying to put the demise of the relationship squarely on your shoulders and not take any of the blame herself. If you re-read what you just wrote, it was all about what YOU didn't do, or that YOU didn't listen to her, or that YOU didn't fight for her. Not once did she say, this is where I screwed up in the relationship.

 

 

She even tried to blame shift things on you stating that if you changed your behavior in the last two weeks, she would still be with you. REALLY?!?! *cough* *cough* BULLSH*T! *cough* *cough*

 

 

She wanted you to take all the blame and ease her own guilt for dumping you. Making everything entirely your fault. You don't deserve that, dude.

 

 

Block her on Facebook and move on with your life. Nothing to fight for here! I speculate you could have fought to the very gates of hell for her and she still would have found a reason to leave. Problem is, she expected you to put her on a pedestal and you refused to do that. So, good for you!!!

[PhillyConnection23]

Its hard to say brother, something like this reeks of another guy or interest (maybe an ex?) in the picture.

 

 

I strongly believe that women don't just "lose" feelings overnight. She found an excuse to break up with you ("you didn't listen") and used it against you to relieve her guilt.

 

 

Hard as it is sounds like you should let this lost girl go.

 

Thanks for the response. I really don't think it was another guy, she just never came off as that type of person. But then again, I didn't see the break up coming at all.

 

I also don't think she lost any feelings for me, at least recently. I, which in hindsight was a terrible idea, asked her if she still loved me and her response was "this is like torture, why are you doing this to me?" I really feel if she didn't she would have just said no.

 

But as you said, I'm letting it go. I have a really busy year ahead of me and despite how much it initially hurt, it will probably make the next couple of months a lot easier on my life. Who knows, maybe when I'm back in her city we'll run into each other.

[johnson_j]

I'm a little older than you and in 100% of the cases of "need space" or a sudden breakup it's always another love interest catching her eye. And 100% of the time, they've come crawling back at some later time explaining how they didn't realize how good it was, etc. Doesn't mean it will happen for you, and it's best if you don't plan on it. But this helps me understand that the problem wasn't me, and in this case it doesn't sound like the problem was you, either.

[PhillyConnection23]

Block her on Facebook and move on with your life. Nothing to fight for here! I speculate you could have fought to the very gates of hell for her and she still would have found a reason to leave. Problem is, she expected you to put her on a pedestal and you refused to do that. So, good for you!!!

 

Thanks for that.

 

She kinda alluded to her needing someone that was going to put his all into the relationship (which she felt I wasn't). Again, I had some career goals in mind and would get stuck doing things for work on the weekends but she knew this all in the beginning of our relationship. I was pretty clear with her about my goals.

 

Either way, she gave so many reasons that I'm just wondering if she was making excuses or if the relationship I thought was very strong was fundamentally flawed.

[johnson_j]

It sounds fundamentally flawed because she wasn't in it. A girl who wants to be in a relationship will be there for you, wants to work things out, and communicates issues and proposes solutions and doesn't just break up out of the blue using some excuses of issues you've never heard before. So even if you tell her that "we will work through it" that is an acknowledgement of an issue and a commitment to work through it (from you). In short, this is strictly from mine and observed experiences, but doesn't sound like you should beat yourself up over it.

[Chi townD]

Thanks for that.

 

She kinda alluded to her needing someone that was going to put his all into the relationship (which she felt I wasn't). Again, I had some career goals in mind and would get stuck doing things for work on the weekends but she knew this all in the beginning of our relationship. I was pretty clear with her about my goals.

 

Either way, she gave so many reasons that I'm just wondering if she was making excuses or if the relationship I thought was very strong was fundamentally flawed.

 

 

 

LOL! Seriously made me giggle. Dude, come on! Fundamentally flawed?

 

 

Yeah, I can see where girls would find a guy that has his sh*t together, has goals in life and is career orientated as unattractive qualities. That women dislikes a guy who looks to the future to better himself and would be a great provider to a family.

 

 

Nah, they would rather have the unemployed douche rocket that sits on the couch all day. Some dude that drinks beer and smokes pot while playing with the PlayStation all day long. THAT'S HOT!!!

 

 

 

 

Dude, she was making excuses.

 

 

And I agree with the other poster. There might be some other dude. Could explain why she was trying to point out all the bad qualities she perceived that you had. Ending things with you because of those reasons so she wouldn't feel so guilty about hooking with the new guy.

[Elle1975]

Hey guys, I would appreciate any feedback or insights you can provide. I'm not really sure if she had a case of the GIGS or if she had legitimate reasons to break up. Yes, I understand the implications of using "legitimate" in breakups, just take it with a grain of salt.

 

Its been a month since the break up and I've mostly been in the no contact thing (helps being long distance and her making 0 attempt to contact me). I've done a pretty good job recently of moving on, focusing on myself and getting my priorities in order. I'm not asking this to see if we have a chance to get back together but just to get some more outside insight about it. So without further ado..

 

We were dating for about 9 months. I'm 26, slightly more experienced and she is 23, I was her first real relationship and first for a lot of other things. Despite the relatively short time span, we grew very close very fast. The first 4 months we fell in love pretty hard with each other but unfortunately had to go long distance because of my job. Despite the 3 hour distance we still managed to speak every day/night and visit each other on weekends. We traveled, met family, friends and all the other things you would expect a couple to do together. Never fought and if we disagreed it was a civil discussion. She was my partner and when we were together I felt like we could take on the world together.

 

A month ago, seemingly out of the blue (and the day after my birthday) she drives up to visit me (I'm thinking its a surprise party or something) and says "we need to talk." She says that she hasn't been happy for a long time and that she needs someone in her corner who will "fight for her." The whole break up lasted about 5 minutes and then she drove home. I proceeded to "fight for her" and followed after her, trying to get her to reconsider but it was no use.

 

I ended up leaving her a voice-mail the next day and got a text back saying "I know you are hurt but we are done, there is nothing you can do to change my mind. You can't change and I shouldn't want you to. Please stop contacting me." Despite this I did call her a few days later and got the closure I was looking for:

 

She said in this last conversation that "she doesn't know who she is anymore" and that "I don't have friends anymore." She mentioned that she felt I wasn't listening to her when she spoke about her feelings and was unsure if I ever actually loved her and that because of these two things I hurt her and she can't try again. She also went into detail about how she needed to stand up for herself and if she didn't do this now she never would and would resent me in the future.

 

Another claim she made was that she felt like, and I'm paraphrasing: "There is no me in this relationship." She would sit around waiting for me to call or would over-analyze every conversation we had. I have a major issue with these claims because I never required or expected her to be around when I called and would encourage her to pick things for the both of us to do when together. Her response to this was "I was afraid to recommend things because of what you would say." Internet people, I never said no to any show/restaurant/activity she wanted to do. I may not have been overly enthusiastic to go to an art exhibit but I was still happy to be with her.

 

As much as all this was to me, she suggested that if I changed my behavior at the last time she brought her feelings up (about two weeks before the break up) that she would still be with me. My response was a little incredulous in that our 9 month relationship would have been salvaged if I was only two weeks faster. This kinda showed me a level of emotional/relationship immaturity.

 

Admittedly, we had some in depth conversations over the last three months about our feelings and I think this is where her idea that I wasn't listening came from. Instead of sitting down to thoughtfully address her concerns I kinda just looked at her and said "I love you, you don't need to dwell on these things. I'm not going to run away from you."

 

Clearly this hurt me pretty bad at first but I started to think about it. I know I loved her, I told her and showed her (admittedly, in a way different than she preferred) the best that I could. Two weeks before the break up (the last time we saw each other) we were talking about our future together (she brought it up), how I wanted to spend more time alone with her on weekends instead of just family events or meeting up with friends. I could tell during the last conversation she still had feelings for me and I'm almost 100% positive there isn't another guy in the picture.

 

Furthermore, I always gave her distance when needed (hell, we lived 3 hours apart). I always recommended her spending time with her friends and encouraged her to do it more because I knew how important they were to her.

 

I know the long distance thing was getting to her. We had spoke about it a few times and though it wasn't clear what the end game was, we told each other we would make it work. Unfortunately, the day she broke it off was the day I got approval to move back to her city in a few months.

 

One final note, I know she wanted me to avoid contacting her to protect herself from pain. She was always that type of person and frankly I would have been more surprised if she wanted to just "be friends."

 

So what do you think? Was the grass greener on the other side? Or was I just a bad boyfriend for not communicating better with her?

 

Edit: Sorry for the wall of text, longer than I expected...

 

Problem is that dumpers often give a bunch of reasons to justify the break ups. You sit at home thinking about those reasons, when very often none of them are true. That's not fair, if there's such thing as "fair".

 

I don't think she's telling the truth, and she's dumping the break up on you. It's your fault. It's something you did. She lost herself. Blah blah..

 

If what you said is true, and you're not exaggerating.. Let her go and think "good riddance".

[PhillyConnection23]

Problem is that dumpers often give a bunch of reasons to justify the break ups. You sit at home thinking about those reasons, when very often none of them are true. That's not fair, if there's such thing as "fair".

 

I don't think she's telling the truth, and she's dumping the break up on you. It's your fault. It's something you did. She lost herself. Blah blah..

 

If what you said is true, and you're not exaggerating.. Let her go and think "good riddance".

 

Not telling the truth about what? Another guy?

 

If another guy isn't in the picture, what else could it be? I'm just looking for a little more insight about it.

[Chi townD]

Not telling the truth about what? Another guy?

 

If another guy isn't in the picture, what else could it be? I'm just looking for a little more insight about it.

 

 

I think it was to mean that she's not being truthful with herself as to why she doesn't want to be with you. Because, in my opinion, all the things she listed are very fixable things for two people that are dedicated to each other.

 

 

I mean, sure, you informed her of your career goals and she knew what they were. Therefore, there has to have some sacrifice on each persons part of the relationship; and yet, working together to find a happy median. But, you take the good with the bad. If she was by your side and sacrificing right along with you, then once you reached your goals, both of you could have benefited from those sacrifices. As a way to say thank you, you could now afford to wisk her away for a week in Paris versus taking her to see the worlds biggest ball of twine.

 

 

So, whether there's another guy in the picture or she didn't weight out the amount of sacrifice that was needed. My point is, you didn't give up the fight, she did.

[Jiivy]

I'll be honest, your conversation with her is EERILY similar to my ex who left me 2 months ago. My situation was somewhat different (we were engaged, together 7 years) but at that particular it was also a long-distance piece whilst I searched for a job closer to her...

 

But everything just smacks of the same. First love, her lack of experience, the lame excuses.

 

And yes, there WAS another guy. She started a relationship with him 3 weeks after she left me. At least she admitted it the last time I ever spoke with her.

 

Chi Town and the other posters are 100% spot on. Don't let yourself be fooled, you were a good guy - a great guy. If you can look in your heart and say "you know what? I gave that girl the best of me" then you did your job. You did good my man, it was her that needs to short **** out.

[Brutus]

I'll be honest, your conversation with her is EERILY similar to my ex who left me 2 months ago. My situation was somewhat different (we were engaged, together 7 years) but at that particular it was also a long-distance piece whilst I searched for a job closer to her...

 

But everything just smacks of the same. First love, her lack of experience, the lame excuses.

 

And yes, there WAS another guy. She started a relationship with him 3 weeks after she left me. At least she admitted it the last time I ever spoke with her.

 

Chi Town and the other posters are 100% spot on. Don't let yourself be fooled, you were a good guy - a great guy. If you can look in your heart and say "you know what? I gave that girl the best of me" then you did your job. You did good my man, it was her that needs to short **** out.

 

Interesting. My ex had also quite similar reasons (no friends, need space for herself, feel too much pressure...) while we were on LDR (!). And there was another guy in the picture as well, although she always denied he was the reason and atm I do not know whether they are together or not. Long distance is a common denominator, perhaps this means something. Then if someone else comes into the picture and they are unsure about their feelings... they go for the easy solutions. Yet I think "the other guy" is usually a symptom, not the cause. But I might be wrong...

[hoping2heal]

Okay, either there is a whole lot you're not saying or this is just crapola.

 

If there is something you aren't doing and it's such a major issue for her, then it is her responsibility to communicate what her needs are. She's not going to get very far with anybody with this mentality that you should just read her mind and know what she is thinking.

 

It's possible she met someone closer but whether she did or didn't, you don't want the kind of partner who is going to do detrimental things in the RS without communicating.

 

Yeah so, this bothers me enough to break up, but I'm not going to tell you until the point I want to break up. Heidi ho!

 

Yeah, no.

[PhillyConnection23]

Okay, either there is a whole lot you're not saying or this is just crapola.

 

If there is something you aren't doing and it's such a major issue for her, then it is her responsibility to communicate what her needs are. She's not going to get very far with anybody with this mentality that you should just read her mind and know what she is thinking.

 

It's possible she met someone closer but whether she did or didn't, you don't want the kind of partner who is going to do detrimental things in the RS without communicating.

 

Yeah so, this bothers me enough to break up, but I'm not going to tell you until the point I want to break up. Heidi ho!

 

Yeah, no.

 

I just spent a little bit of time thinking over the whole relationship again in my mind (slow day at work). Of course I could have been a better boyfriend...who couldn't?

 

Again, I really don't think another guy is in the picture. I could be completely wrong but I spoke with the mutual friend that introduced us and she doesn't seem to think there is any reason to believe that.

 

But you did hit a point on the head, that she wasn't communicating things. A common theme in our relationship was her saying "I'm not good at saying these things" or something similar to that effect. I really believe that in her mind she had the conversations with me about what upset her or what I was doing wrong. However, in my typical male mind, I either wrote these off or didn't see them for what they were. Do I think this justifies a break up? Hell no.

 

After all this feedback I'm still leaning towards the fact that she just didn't know how to emotionally handle this kind of relationship. Her lack of experience and other factors in her life painted a picture of how a "perfect relationship" should look. According to her, it wasn't with me.

[Elle1975]

Not telling the truth about what? Another guy?

 

If another guy isn't in the picture, what else could it be? I'm just looking for a little more insight about it.

 

Truth being that she just doesn't love you anymore. That's often as simple as that.

 

Might be because of a guy, might be she fell out of love. Who knows? In the end, the love isn't there anymore. And, to put it simply again, it sucks balls... I know.

[PhillyConnection23]

Truth being that she just doesn't love you anymore. That's often as simple as that.

 

Might be because of a guy, might be she fell out of love. Who knows? In the end, the love isn't there anymore. And, to put it simply again, it sucks balls... I know.

 

Thanks.

 

I'm going to guess based on your name you are a woman so I'm going to ask. Would it be normal for a few weeks before a break up (two or three weeks at most) to say things like "I really can't live with out you." "I miss you so much" or other things that were unique to our relationship if she didn't love me? I guess I'm asking, do you think it is common to go to those extremes and lie about it? Even if they aren't prompted?

[Brutus]

Thanks.

 

I'm going to guess based on your name you are a woman so I'm going to ask. Would it be normal for a few weeks before a break up (two or three weeks at most) to say things like "I really can't live with out you." "I miss you so much" or other things that were unique to our relationship if she didn't love me? I guess I'm asking, do you think it is common to go to those extremes and lie about it? Even if they aren't prompted?

 

although i am not a woman I can tell you that my ex told me these things 4 DAYS before leaving me... so yes, i guess it is normal... love is not just switched on or off.