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i'm an idiot, and saw my ex over the weekend.


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whirl3daway

it's been about a week since he left me, although it should have happened awhile ago. we fought so much, ever since the beginning. i've been thinking more and more of our relationship and the things that he did to hurt me but it's not helping.

 

- on our third date, I agreed to see him but I told him I had a hair appt as I was leaving for Maui the next day. the haircut ran over a little, and I joked around and told him I was dying it purple - he got very upset that it ran late, and that I might dye my hair purple.

 

- he basically forced me to move in with him after a month of dating because i was sharing an apartment with my ex B at the time, although B wasn't really living there.

 

- once we were out at a bar, and a guy hit on me while P was in the bathroom. i rejected him, but the guy ended up talking to P. i told P right after we left that the guy hit on me, and P almost broke up with me for "lying to him" and "disrespecting him" by not telling him immediately.

 

- he lied to me about his ex gf, and after we fought about that, he told me that he was never attracted to me physically and that he couldn't ever see that changing.

 

- he told me 2 months after that, that he would never be attracted to me, never was attracted to me, that i have small breasts and a chubby tummy, that even though i'm awesome in bed he hates sleeping with me because he can't get hard at my body. he told me that he didn't love me anymore because of how i look.

 

- he told me that my looks were a "real concern" for a future with me, even though he could see a future with me because he loved me so much for my personality. he said that he started dating me because he thought i was perfect for him, but he was never attracted to me.

 

- he made me quit smoking, drinking, hanging out with people that he didn't approve of. he wouldn't go hang out with my friends with me.

 

- he would split between loving me so much, saying that i am the best and that he adores me, and then hating me and saying he doesn't love me, within hours/days.

 

- anytime i would hurt his ego (in example: i got drunk a few times after he would tell me these things about my body etc and i would tell him that i wanted to break up, that he didn't deserve me, that other guys would want me even if he didn't), he would retaliate and try to one-up me by completely destroying my self esteem the next day, and then telling me that he doesn't love me, that i'm ugly, etc.

 

- he actually ended up breaking up with me because: i went out with a friend of mine on thursday night and didn't make dinner because i was tired. i expected to be home before he got home, but he got home early and felt like i blew him off. i spent the rest of the weekend at work (hung out friday night, saturday night and sunday morning), and then i told him i wanted to go to the mall with my friend. he flipped out and said "i can't believe how selfish and awful you are! f#ck you! you can't put yourself in my shoes and see that i wouldn't want you to hang out with that white trash b!tch again? f#ck you for being so blind and self-absorbed!" and on and on.

 

- he has freaked out like this before, for other seemingly small things. it seems that whenever his ego gets hurt, he tries to "win" the situation by hurting the other person as much as possible and break up before the other person can do anything. then he likes to have me beg for him not to leave. i didn't beg this time and he left.

 

- he has been saying that he misses me and that this is very hard for him too.

 

- he spends the majority of his time playing video games. that is how he "deals" with his problems. he has been under-employed (as a person with 2.5 degrees) working PT as an ACT tutor for the past 2 years. only moved out of his parents house (after 2 years, post quitting phD) when he met me. he is the youngest and his parents are incredibly nice people and basically let him do whatever he wants and are afraid to say anything to him because he is so strong willed and hurtful when he wants to be.

 

- his mom told me that her and his father often say to each other "we pity the woman he ends up with" because he is so difficult to understand/get along with sometimes.

 

- he has no long term career or life goals. he avoids thinking about anything serious by getting really OCD with video games (getting every single trophy on PSN for the bioshock series has been the latest thing).

 

- he is very judgmental towards his sister for posting pics/statuses about her little kids on FB. he didn't want to call them on their birthdays and i had to encourage that. he judges his sister for what she feeds them. he judges his parents for what they eat, and the fact that his mom had gastric bypass. he judges everyone for everything, actually.

 

- he thinks he is better than everyone else. once he told me that his ex gf (a nutcase in her own right) told him that her new bf wasn't the same.. and i asked why and he said "well, because I'm the best." not jokingly.

 

- he has very little empathy towards people - but expects all of everyone's attention and empathy.

 

- he prefers porn/masturbation to sex. with me at least. he told me all the ways that he preferred his ex gf to me physically although when i saw photos of her, i didn't find her all that appealing. cute, but not any better than me or anything.

 

- blah blah blah. i don't know why i'm writing this. i think he has NPD. he's a total loner and has no friends. i loved him but he just made it so goddamn difficult for me to be truly happy. i tried very hard to make it work and give him everything i had.

 

i am a broken girl. i come from a childhood full of neglect and abuse. i'm a parental kidnap survivor. i have PTSD. i have low self esteem and self worth. these are all things i am working on. i think maybe he saw that i was someone who could be treated like dirt and i would take it and take it and take it. i don't know. i don't have any answers.

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I hope you know that you dodged a bullet. Big time.

 

I admit that I didn't read all of your post, but I read enough to know that he is extremely controlling. There isn't room for a healthy relationship with so much intention from a partner to control you.

 

You had a very painful childhood, and it has understandably impacted you. I'm very glad that you're working on building up your self-esteem and self-worth. Please know that him leaving the relationship is not a reflection of your worth. It is truly a blessing (perhaps in disguise, since you might not be able to see it) that he left. He was awful to you.

 

Yes, he didn't treat you well and you took the poor treatment. It happens to a lot of us, myself included. We learn from it and apply our newfound learning to our life. Do the same. :)

 

Continue to work on developing your self-esteem and self-worth. Make your relationship with yourself be the most important relationship in your life. Make it your top priority. You deserve to be treated with love and respect.

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whirl3daway

Continue to work on developing your self-esteem and self-worth. Make your relationship with yourself be the most important relationship in your life. Make it your top priority. You deserve to be treated with love and respect.

 

I am working on this. I have been hanging out with my friends a lot, who are all very supportive and loving of me which is very affirming. My mom and stepdad have been there for me a lot and are planning a vacation for us. I've been focusing on work and school (sort of, math is hard lol). I've been trying to think of the positives of being single.

 

Do you have any tips on making my relationship with myself the most important one? Or any tips on how to start truly loving myself? That is an issue I really need help with.

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You're doing those things right now. :) The fact that you're spending time with people who are all very supportive and loving of you is wonderful for yourself. I hope you know that this IS an act of self-love. :)

 

Go for walks or do some form of exercise you enjoy. It gets your endorphins pumping. Connect with nature. Write, sing, dance, pain, etc. Volunteer somewhere. Find your inner child and let her come out. Do anything that is good for you, that makes you smile. Every time you do, you are making yourself the beloved. You're loving yourself. :)

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If you're the reading type, there's one book in particular I've been through that focuses very much on psychological self development and building up the healing process interally.

 

I think it would increadibly powerful given your history.

 

The journey from abandonment to healing - Susan Anderson.

(you can thank me after you've read it!)

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whirl3daway
If you're the reading type, there's one book in particular I've been through that focuses very much on psychological self development and building up the healing process interally.

 

I think it would increadibly powerful given your history.

 

The journey from abandonment to healing - Susan Anderson.

(you can thank me after you've read it!)

 

I picked this up for my kindle. Thanks for the rec. It looks like it will be quite helpful - it seems that you are right that this book seems to fit my life.

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whirl3daway

wtf is wrong with me? we broke up last week.

 

he texted me friday, said he missed me. i invited him over on saturday.

 

we accidentally went on a date, which is something we haven't done in a long time. we went to a park, had dinner, saw a movie. he spent the night and we slept together.

 

he got a text from a coworker overnight. i asked if he was interested in her. he said that he is, and that he's going to pursue it. she's 4 years younger than me, not that that matters.

 

he told me that he doesn't see a future for us together, and that he's never going to want to be together again. he cares for me and all that, and still enjoys spending time with me, but that he has nothing left in his heart to give me. he says that i need to find happiness within myself, and he's optimistic that he will find someone/something that will fulfill him like i did not.

 

he bought me a book. "meditations" by marcus aurelius. he told me that it helped him find happiness within himself and that i should read it.

 

so here i'm left today. totally broken.

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but that he has nothing left in his heart to give me.

 

Well, I guess he had a lot left in his penis to give you. Douchebag.

 

Tell him to take his book and shove it. It blows my mind how someone can do this to another. Flaunts about another woman while in bed with you and then tells you he has nothing in his heart and then shoos you along to go find your happiness by reading a book.

 

Stay NC and do not entertain this man again.

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smileforelena

so sorry whirl.

 

you are not alone in this. easier said than done but you have to take back that thing that dumpers have over dumpees. we would settle from anything from dumper in the hope that they would miraculously open their eyes and come back to us. they usually dont. dumpers like them are freeloaders big and manipulators as they know how to play with dumpees who allow themselves to be victims because of false hope.

NO you are not a victim. Stop being one. Take control of what you can control or at least learn to control...

Nobody deserves breadcrumbs.

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whirl3daway
Well, I guess he had a lot left in his penis to give you. Douchebag.

 

Tell him to take his book and shove it. It blows my mind how someone can do this to another. Flaunts about another woman while in bed with you and then tells you he has nothing in his heart and then shoos you along to go find your happiness by reading a book.

 

Stay NC and do not entertain this man again.

 

i feel very stupid for letting it happen. i thought maybe we could try to make things work. maybe he would realize that things are better when we are together. instead, he just tells me that i deserve someone who feels for me, what i feel for him. he's right about that, but it still hurts so much.

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i feel very stupid for letting it happen. i thought maybe we could try to make things work. maybe he would realize that things are better when we are together. instead, he just tells me that i deserve someone who feels for me, what i feel for him. he's right about that, but it still hurts so much.

 

There is nothing stupid about it. You were emotional and you were hopeful. You were coming from a place of vulnerability and jerkface took advantage of it. If anyone deserves to be negatively labeled, it's your ex.

 

And OP, a good guy would have done the kind thing and let you go because he knows you're hurting and vulnerable. That's a person that cares for you. But instead he used it to his advantage. Don't feel stupid. Get angry. Yes, get stinking mad.

 

He found his happiness because he found himself a book. Didn't do much in terms of rehabilitating him from his douchebaggery.

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whirl3daway

he just sent me an email. it's a quote by camus.

 

"in the midst of winter, I found there was, within me, an invincible summer.

 

And that makes me happy. For it says that no matter how hard the world pushes against me, within me, there's something stronger - something better, pushing right back."

 

and then, he just sent me a text asking if I was doing okay.

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Don't beat yourself up too badly. Maybe this will be the finality you need to move forward for good. I made many mistakes in my relationships, including taking back or pining over one man for almost 7 years who absolutely did not deserve me. I finally reached a point where I could leave that behind, and now I am marrying the most amazing man - better than I would have even dreamed possible. The fact that HE is a d-bag does not take away from YOUR value. ;)

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he just sent me an email. it's a quote by camus.

 

 

"in the midst of winter, I found there was, within me, an invincible summer.

 

And that makes me happy. For it says that no matter how hard the world pushes against me, within me, there's something stronger - something better, pushing right back."

 

 

and then, he just sent me a text asking if I was doing okay.

 

How you are doing is not his responsibility anymore.

 

Do not respond to him. NC now.

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whirl3daway

And OP, a good guy would have done the kind thing and let you go because he knows you're hurting and vulnerable. That's a person that cares for you. But instead he used it to his advantage. Don't feel stupid. Get angry. Yes, get stinking mad.

 

He found his happiness because he found himself a book. Didn't do much in terms of rehabilitating him from his douchebaggery.

 

you know - you are right. he does know how I'm feeling, and knows that I'm totally broken up about this. i asked him to come over and stay with me, but he could have said no. he should have said no. but instead, he used me because he's sad too.

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you know - you are right. he does know how I'm feeling, and knows that I'm totally broken up about this. i asked him to come over and stay with me, but he could have said no. he should have said no. but instead, he used me because he's sad too.

 

He's not sad. How is he sad when he has his sights and interest in a new woman. That's his emotional and mental focus now.

 

His "sad" is not equivalent to your sad. His "sad" is his need to get a little fix that he was missing -- sex.

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Oh please don't reply..and please block him.

 

As a fellow traumatic childhood survivor/PTSD sufferer, I know where you are coming from. We are trying to fix the problems from our childhoods that we weren't able to fix back then. That's why we are attracted to abusive situations. Because we think that if we can fix it, it will fix the pain from childhood as well.

 

It won't. It will only make it worse. After a while we stop being victims and we become volunteers for the pain and the abuse. Please stop the cycle. I'm doing it..so can you.

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He's not sad. How is he sad when he has his sights and interest in a new woman. That's his emotional and mental focus now.

 

His "sad" is not equivalent to your sad. His "sad" is his need to get a little fix that he was missing -- sex.

 

That and an ego boost knowing OP is pining away for him.

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whirl3daway
Oh please don't reply..and please block him.

 

As a fellow traumatic childhood survivor/PTSD sufferer, I know where you are coming from. We are trying to fix the problems from our childhoods that we weren't able to fix back then. That's why we are attracted to abusive situations. Because we think that if we can fix it, it will fix the pain from childhood as well.

 

It won't. It will only make it worse. After a while we stop being victims and we become volunteers for the pain and the abuse. Please stop the cycle. I'm doing it..so can you.

 

i do feel like i became a volunteer for this, this weekend. i ran back to him instead of being strong. i let him trample me. now he is doing his best to be the "inspiration" for me to start feeling better. sending me quotes and all that. buying me books. it makes him feel good to help me. i don't get it.

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I am so sorry for the atrocious way he has treated you. You deserve to be treated with respect and dignity, neither of which he has given you. Walk away and don't look back. This is NOT your fault; please don't blame yourself any further. He treated you despicably. You deserve love, care, and respect. Someone who cares about you in the slightest wouldn't have said or done the things he did while you were in bed with him that night. Ugh. I'm so disgusted and upset with his behaviour. Grr!

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i do feel like i became a volunteer for this, this weekend. i ran back to him instead of being strong. i let him trample me. now he is doing his best to be the "inspiration" for me to start feeling better. sending me quotes and all that. buying me books. it makes him feel good to help me. i don't get it.

 

What don't you get? He is trying to look like the good guy. It relieves his guilt to know that even when he trampled all over you, and used you for sex, you are still accepting him into your life. It alleviates him from any wrongdoing, he looks like the good guy and the focus now turns to you -- the poor broken woman.

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learning_slowly

I can give you a mans perspective.

Sometimes even when you know it's wrong, it's easy to give in to the feeling that sex gives you. I have done it when I was younger.

I'm not defending what he's doing, just explaining.

 

Therefore think more of yourself. You look good. If I were younger and in the u.s., I'd be interested and therefore so will others, who have hopefully grown up.

 

I know it's hard, as you fell in love with what you thought he was, not what he is.

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Simon Phoenix
you know - you are right. he does know how I'm feeling, and knows that I'm totally broken up about this. i asked him to come over and stay with me, but he could have said no. he should have said no. but instead, he used me because he's sad too.

 

Dude, he used you to get laid. I'm sorry to be so blunt, but you can't afford to be this naive.

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whirl3daway
Dude, he used you to get laid. I'm sorry to be so blunt, but you can't afford to be this naive.

 

i see this now. at the time, i thought that he wanted to see me because he missed me and was sad. that may have been part of it too, but he just wanted some companionship and some sex. he didn't want me and still doesn't want me. you are right.

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