Finding closure makes things worse or better? [update]

[SCJACK]

Alot of us seem to want closure after a BU. Most of us don't get it, but when you do find it, does it make you feel any better? I'd assume it would make us feel worse but at least we know the reason why they left.. does it even help knowing to move on?

[mammasita]

You don't get closure from anyone but yourself. So when you look at it that way, everyone can and should get closure and yes it does help.

[ConfusedHumanBeing]

Alot of us seem to want closure after a BU. Most of us don't get it, but when you do find it, does it make you feel any better? I'd assume it would make us feel worse but at least we know the reason why they left.. does it even help knowing to move on?

 

Closure doesnt come from other people. It comes from within. So, in essence, everyone finds it. It's just accepting its over and moving forward from there.

 

So, yes....we all do and yes it feels better.

[SCJACK]

Idk why but i'm finding it hard to find closure within myself. I should be over her by now but i'm not. I know I deserve better, but I lowered myself few levels to give her something that she doesn't even deserve and she still threw me away. When you know you have someone who you know you don't deserve, why throw someone away like that? I did it all just for her, and I was okay with it even knowing I deserved better. I felt so strong and confident before her but now I feel I am in ruins and can't get myself out of the pit. I keep thinking about her everyday and it saddens me. I can't get over the fact that she kept avoiding me the past few months, knowing that we probably won't ever get to see eachother again after graduation and graduation is in a few weeks, I feel worse and worse as graduation comes near because time is running out. I feel like these past few months were so wasted only because we could have done things differently and it wouldn't have to end like this and I wouldn't have to remember her like this... I just feel like life is so unfair sometimes. Alot of guys get to see her, but I can't.. what did I do to deserve not being able to see her? Being the nice guy I am? Giving it my all and doing my best? Bleh... i'm venting, I just feel like i'm dying inside. There are times when I just want to reach out and say stuff but I know it will only hurt more...

[ConfusedHumanBeing]

Idk why but i'm finding it hard to find closure within myself. I should be over her by now but i'm not. I know I deserve better, but I lowered myself few levels to give her something that she doesn't even deserve and she still threw me away. When you know you have someone who you know you don't deserve, why throw someone away like that? I did it all just for her, and I was okay with it even knowing I deserved better. I felt so strong and confident before her but now I feel I am in ruins and can't get myself out of the pit. I keep thinking about her everyday and it saddens me. I can't get over the fact that she kept avoiding me the past few months, knowing that we probably won't ever get to see eachother again after graduation and graduation is in a few weeks, I feel worse and worse as graduation comes near because time is running out. I feel like these past few months were so wasted only because we could have done things differently and it wouldn't have to end like this and I wouldn't have to remember her like this... I just feel like life is so unfair sometimes. Alot of guys get to see her, but I can't.. what did I do to deserve not being able to see her? Being the nice guy I am? Giving it my all and doing my best? Bleh... i'm venting, I just feel like i'm dying inside. There are times when I just want to reach out and say stuff but I know it will only hurt more...

 

Its still pretty early in the BU process. It takes awhile to get rid of those feelings. It sucks hard, but you can only push forward.

 

There are better people out there than your ex. You'll find out soon enough why it never worked with your ex. You'll realize it was all just a test to make you ready for when the right person comes along.

[destroyed4sho]

Alot of us seem to want closure after a BU. Most of us don't get it, but when you do find it, does it make you feel any better? I'd assume it would make us feel worse but at least we know the reason why they left.. does it even help knowing to move on?

 

 

You will never know the real reason why someone broke up with you even after 20 years!

 

Finding closure means you are over it....it happens with time. And no, it doesnt make you feel BETTER or WORSE. By the time you get closure, you are TOTALLY INDIFFERENT. You don't care anymore about the relationship or the person. You just start to think of it as a past experience that gets solidified in the PAST. You are more focused on your present and future.

 

This is where I am at right now. It took a looong time for me to get over it.

Check out my past posts....they are pretty pathetic and desperate.

 

I am completely over it and I feel like it was just an experience that I had to go through and I am better person for it.

[SCJACK]

Yeah, I just wish the process was much faster. I wish we could all just brush it off like nothing and go about our days. The thought about how some people take years or even 1 year or even 6-8 months whatever, it seems so long to get over. It's like poisoning your mind everyday and some kind of sickness. Doing things to get your mind off of it does help but it is harddd and it sucks having to go through it. Any time that I am not over it, is a waste of time and I hate wasting time! And knowing that I am not over it now, means this entire semester was a waste of time!

[lauri]

Yeah, I just wish the process was much faster. I wish we could all just brush it off like nothing and go about our days. The thought about how some people take years or even 1 year or even 6-8 months whatever, it seems so long to get over. It's like poisoning your mind everyday and some kind of sickness. Doing things to get your mind off of it does help but it is harddd and it sucks having to go through it. Any time that I am not over it, is a waste of time and I hate wasting time! And knowing that I am not over it now, means this entire semester was a waste of time!

 

I know what you are saying...believe me...lol I tried so hard and so many methods to fast track my healing, but all that happened was it set me back further and further.

 

I wouldn't say it is an entire waste of time...what really is happening is you are bettering yourself and becoming stronger, wiser and more emotionally stable for the next person who will be in your life. There is always a positive to this. What would you prefer, to spend 6-12 months healing or a lifetime with the wrong person? I think these moments and heartaches are just a dot on the page in our personal "book".

[SCJACK]

I know what you are saying...believe me...lol I tried so hard and so many methods to fast track my healing, but all that happened was it set me back further and further.

 

I wouldn't say it is an entire waste of time...what really is happening is you are bettering yourself and becoming stronger, wiser and more emotionally stable for the next person who will be in your life. There is always a positive to this. What would you prefer, to spend 6-12 months healing or a lifetime with the wrong person? I think these moments and heartaches are just a dot on the page in our personal "book".

 

I get what you're saying, I did learn alot from this BU. If you think big picture then the 6-12 months would be smart vs lifetime with wrong person. But smaller picture, you still want to be with the ex anyway (at least I do). The thought of them being with someone else sucks alot. For one thing, I never want to love someone I can't ever be with. I don't want to marry someone who I don't love as much as my ex. I can't imagine being in that position and how much it would suck. For example... my mom has guys who love her until this day but she is with my dad but those guys are married with children too but still think about my mom constantly, the guy even was even expecting a divorce so he could be with her. My dad has this ex who loves him until this day and many years later when he is with my mom, that ex is still single and I can assume she's probably my dad's age which is over 54ish. I want to love 1 person only and be truly happy with the person I end up with and not thinking of still wanting to be with my ex or someone else.

Edited April 21, 2014 by SCJACK

[SCJACK]

In my case that isn't true.

 

Every time I have ever been dumped it was always for the same reason...

 

Their life is better off without you in it.

 

Now they didn't come right out and say that but when you filter out all the BS and whatever they tell you... it's why you, me and everyone is else is dumped.

 

I don't quite get what you are saying here.. it does seem true that life is better without us in it, it's logical to think that since we were dumped. But when you know for a fact you gave her your best, and you treated her better than any of her ex's or anybody else and she leaves you for another guy who controls her, pressures her to do things she doesn't want to do, argues and yells at her and doesn't respect her. Is life for her really better without me in it then?

[lauri]

I get what you're saying, I did learn alot from this BU. If you think big picture then the 6-12 months would be smart vs lifetime with wrong person. But smaller picture, you still want to be with the ex anyway (at least I do). The thought of them being with someone else sucks alot. For one thing, I never want to love someone I can't ever be with. I don't want to marry someone who I don't love as much as my ex. I can't imagine being in that position and how much it would suck. For example... my mom has guys who love her until this day but she is with my dad but those guys are married with children too but still think about my mom constantly, the guy even was even expecting a divorce so he could be with her. My dad has this ex who loves him until this day and many years later when he is with my mom, that ex is still single and I can assume she's probably my dad's age which is over 54ish. I want to love 1 person only and be truly happy with the person I end up with and not thinking of still wanting to be with my ex or someone else.

 

 

Here is the thing you need to realize too - in order for marriage / long term life partner to work, you need to work through PROBLEMS and find SOLUTIONS. Most of the time people who end up breaking up with do not even bother trying, or try a bit and give up or just don't find any way for it to work in the long run.

 

You may want your ex back but I can promise you that it would not be the same. The old person you loved / loved you is long gone...those feelings she used to have are long gone. I think we put way too much emphasis on love - you can learn to love someone. Love goes away and comes back, it is not consistent (this is that spark that most people always want to feel)

 

Its funny, because now that you mention it, I used to have a ex girlfriend who was always "madly inlove with me" because she could never get me for a few years (I broke up with her). So eventually, I gave her a shot again. As soon as she had me, she started to lose interest and it wasn't exactly how we both envisioned it to turn out. I guess my thinking is I would rather be with someone is loyal, honest and real, who will WORK things out no matter what happens.

[SCJACK]

Here is the thing you need to realize too - in order for marriage / long term life partner to work, you need to work through PROBLEMS and find SOLUTIONS. Most of the time people who end up breaking up with do not even bother trying, or try a bit and give up or just don't find any way for it to work in the long run.

 

You may want your ex back but I can promise you that it would not be the same. The old person you loved / loved you is long gone...those feelings she used to have are long gone. I think we put way too much emphasis on love - you can learn to love someone. Love goes away and comes back, it is not consistent (this is that spark that most people always want to feel)

 

Its funny, because now that you mention it, I used to have a ex girlfriend who was always "madly inlove with me" because she could never get me for a few years (I broke up with her). So eventually, I gave her a shot again. As soon as she had me, she started to lose interest and it wasn't exactly how we both envisioned it to turn out. I guess my thinking is I would rather be with someone is loyal, honest and real, who will WORK things out no matter what happens.

 

Yeah there's no such thing as a perfect relationship and people don't realize that it takes work to really make it happen. People just up and go and don't try to solve anything hoping to find the next guy or girl is perfect for them in every aspect but that's not how it works...

 

You are right about that, if I can imagine myself being in a relationship again it won't be the same. The trust was broken and knowing what she can do to me would probably make me not ever feel the same way. If it does it'll take alot of work but it will never be exact. Just like a vase being pieced together I can never be 100% back the way it was perfectly.

 

What convinced you to get back with your ex? Did she beg you? Did you feel guilty since she was madly in love? Even though you gave her a shot.. having to give someone a chance with you doesn't give you a good feeling.. like a feeling that you aren't 100% in it? Which will end up with you breaking up again. I'm surprised she was the one who lost interest..

Edited April 21, 2014 by SCJACK

[mammasita]

In my case that isn't true.

 

Every time I have ever been dumped it was always for the same reason...

 

Their life is better off without you in it.

 

Now they didn't come right out and say that but when you filter out all the BS and whatever they tell you... it's why you, me and everyone is else is dumped.

 

Even in YOUR case, This is the biggest piece of garbage in the universe.

 

They leave because they THINK their life is better without you/us.

 

Are you in their head? Do you know for a fact that their life is all butterflies and rainbows and unicorns since they've moved on?

 

Hmmmmm, didn't think so.

[Ordinaryday]

Even in YOUR case, This is the biggest piece of garbage in the universe.

 

They leave because they THINK their life is better without you/us.

 

Are you in their head? Do you know for a fact that their life is all butterflies and rainbows and unicorns since they've moved on?

 

Hmmmmm, didn't think so.

 

yes but what they think is the only thing that matters to them. fact is, if they didnt believe their life would be better without you then they wouldnt have dumped you.

[iDrumKing]

One day you will come to the same conclusion that Ordinaryday and I have.

 

I didn't say how long it would take, that it would be easy or pain free. However, the reason I told you is exactly why your Ex left you, why mine left me, Ordinaryday's Ex and everyone elses too.

 

You seem to like to generalize every situation basing them off of yours.

[mammasita]

One day you will come to the same conclusion that Ordinaryday and I have.

 

I didn't say how long it would take, that it would be easy or pain free. However, the reason I told you is exactly why your Ex left you, why mine left me, Ordinaryday's Ex and everyone elses too.

 

I know for a fact my life is 500x better without my ex who dumped me. His life sucks right now.

 

Go ahead and keep that terrible attitude.

[mammasita]

If you can use your deductive reason skills and think about it you will come to realize the following:

 

Your Ex CHOOSE the life he is currently living. He CHOOSE to do it without you in it. Whether YOU agree or think his life is worse... To him, it is BETTER!

 

Otherwise, he would CHOOSE you instead.

 

 

 

I'm not terrible.

 

You just aren't a place where you have come to terms with it yet or your self-esteem and ego can't handle the thought that your Ex's life is better without you in it. Granted, what he considers better is probably now what I would or you, I and many others would but to him it is better.

He came back, I refused him therefore I beg to differ.

 

In any case, your logic is terribly flawed.

[SCJACK]

They think it is better but it's not always better. Just because they leave you doesn't mean it's all good on their end all the time. They might have thought so at the time and seem to be living better without you but it takes awhile for some people to realize that it's not always the case and when they do realize it, it'll already be too late.

[Ordinaryday]

He came back, I refused him therefore I beg to differ.

 

In any case, your logic is terribly flawed.

 

that meant he CHANGED HIS MIND - But at the time he dumped you he thought his life would be better without you in it.

[Ordinaryday]

I will connect the dots for you and even color them in.

 

When your Ex originally dumped you... He was sure, certain, positive, without a doubt, 100%, etc. that his life was better without you in it. So much so, he was willing to lose you forever because you wouldn't want him back or to someone else now that you single. Otherwide, He would not have broke up and remained with you.

 

In your case, after a period of time your Ex realized he made an error in judgement. Is it not possible that people make mistakes and want to rectify them?

 

Good Grief!

 

Do you really think all those guys you were dating and posting about that disappeared, didn't like you, etc. choose a miserable life without you in it? No, they choose a life that was better which didn't include you in it.

 

The same principle applies to those men that didn't like you, the men that you didn't like and for a period of time what your Ex thought about you until he realized different and came back.

 

Question...

 

Is your life better with your Ex in it or is your life better with the new guy in it?

 

I'm starting to wonder which one it is.

 

when I have been dumped, no matter what line the girl gives me or how she tries to spin it or cushion it, all I hear is "I dont think you are good enough for me and I am leaving to find someone better".

 

they dont outright say that, they often try to 'cushion' the blow by giving you a bunch of cliched lines ("I love you... I'm just not IN LOVE with you" and so on) but those ARE JUST LINES.

 

The fact is, at the moment they dump you they DONT THINK YOU ARE GOOD ENOUGH FOR THEM because if they thought you were good enough THEY WOULD NOT BE DUMPING YOU.

 

That is why I NEVER be 'just friends' with the ex, I never be even 'courteous' with them (the few times I have bumped into dumpers in the city and they tried to make small talk I outright said to their face 'don't speak to me!') because no matter how they said it, the fact is they didnt think I was good enough to be their boyfriend. now why the heck would I want ANYTHING, ANYTHING AT ALL, to do with someone who thinks I am not good enough for them>?

[SCJACK]

I agree with You Lose and OrdinaryDay in the 2 previous posts. I think you guys are all generally talking about the same thing with a little misunderstanding.

 

What really matters is what they thought AT THAT TIME. and people do change what they think. At first they might think the ex is better in their life than with another man, after awhile maybe that will change. It all really comes down to what they think at that time. and what they do think at that time of BU is basically "I can have a life better without you in it" but their thoughts may or may not change eventually.

[Eternal Sunshine]

Deep down, we all KNOW why it ended. It's just the matter of being ready to face the truth.

[mammasita]

I will connect the dots for you and even color them in.

 

When your Ex originally dumped you... He was sure, certain, positive, without a doubt, 100%, etc. that his life was better without you in it. So much so, he was perfectly fine and willing to lose you forever because you wouldn't want him back or to someone else now that you single. Otherwide, He would not have broke up and remained with you.

 

In your case, after a period of time your Ex realized he made an error in judgement. Is it not possible that people make mistakes and want to rectify them?

 

Good Grief!

 

Do you really think all those guys you were dating and posting about that disappeared, didn't like you, etc. wanted you in their lives but instead choose to be miserable without you? No, they choose a life that was better which didn't include you in it.

 

The same principle applies to those men that didn't like you, the men that you didn't like and for a period of time what your Ex thought about you until he realized different and came back.

 

Question...

 

Is your life better with your Ex in it or is your life better with the new guy in it?

 

I'm starting to wonder which one it is.

Yaaaaaaaaaawwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn.

[SCJACK]

I've been thinking about her in my sleep and having insomnia. I hate when this happens it makes me sad. There is only one week left until graduation and to be honest I am scared of losing her forever and she hasn't said a word to me for the longest time. She's probably too busy talking to other guys since they like to chase her, she's too busy to think or remember me. Other guys will give her the attention she needs. I deleted her off fb yesterday and I still feel bad about it, I feel like because of it she will be hurt if she finds out but it will enforce her to never talk to me again.

 

I got a bit of closure awhile ago but I never posted it on the board. I don't know if it was the real reason or if my ex was lying to me. I talked to another source and they said it's because 1. you guys are different and 2. her parents don't like you. I asked my ex about if it was her parents during the night of breakup and she said no it wasn't. Either she was lying or my source wasn't giving me everything she knows. I feel like the world is so unfair. I feel like this whole thing with my ex is massively unfair towards me. I don't deserve this at all. I'm a great guy with a great heart but nobody seems to see it. I always feel judged and looked at weird and nobody seems to give me a chance or want to get to know me.

 

Anyways to rant about the reasons on the closure. 1. So what if we are different? alot of people are different, nobody is exactly the same and relationships take work. She knew I was willing to change and understand and I wouldn't have given up on her. I'm so crushed that she easily gave up on me it just makes me feel like I'm not good enough for her, she can live a life better without me but with someone else, another guy who probably doesn't deserve her. 2. her parents hate me because they judge me and say i am no good for her, I never met her parents but I don't speak their language, I am a bit taller than her but not tall enough apparently, i look young, they basically judge me for my looks and the fact i don't speak their language. I am willing to even learn their language, do anything so they can accept me. Her parents are traditional and have expectations for the kind of guy they want her to be with. They even told her I can't be friends with her, I never had anyone tell me I can't be friends with them before. How can these people all judge me before even knowing me? How are they to tell me I'm no good for their daughter when I know I am? I don't hate her parents, I understand they are looking out for her and if given the chance I will love her parents and accept them just as much to my ex too.

 

I know I deserve better, but what if I want her? Don't I at least deserve what I want? Since she is very attractive, guys always try to get with her, for sex etc. they don't care about her, people are selfish, they try to control her, argue with her, ignore her when they are mad, etc etc. I've never done any of this for her. I know I can't say that she can't go out and do all this but it's just so not fair that she gets to go date these guys, see them, hang out with them, talk to them, give them everything she can't give me to guys who don't deserve her? I have a gigantic boulder between me and her and all the guys are on the other side of that boulder with her. It's not fair that I can't get a fair shot especially when I know I at least deserve to be with the one I want. Because what I want to happen with her is what will make me happy unfortunately..

Edited May 6, 2014 by SCJACK

[SCJACK]

I hate that she is talking to other guys. Giving them her attention and not me. I didn't even do anything to deserve to be ignored by her. I feel like she hates me. For so long now I know she's probably talking to other guys everyday and it's hurting me that she doesn't give a crap about me. Just tossed me away like a toy. It hurts so much when the girl you like/love avoids/ignores you. That feeling of being rejected just hurts....