Insights on a poor end

[michaellaw]

Hey guys, this is a bit of a tricky story, as they often are

 

Basically, I saw this girl for 2 months last year and then went overseas for 3 months, where I ended up seeing my ex and realizing that we still had feelings for each other. She is moving back to where I live later this year and I know that I want to be with her.

When I got back home, I told this first girl that we shouldn't see each other anymore, but I didn't explain that it was because of my ex. She didn't quite get it, as we both get on so well and nothing seemed to be wrong, so she couldn't take it and asked for time to work it out together. I caved and said yes, when I should have just ended it there.

 

I realised I needed to end it properly, but I ended up delaying this because of her birthday. I don't know if that was a good decision or not, I didn't want to break up with her around that week so I waited for another week.

 

I saw her two days ago and picked her up at her place. I should have just walked in and ended it there, but I took her out for dinner first. I'm not great at dealing with these situations and I guess I just wanted to explain and talk it out. When I got back to her place, intending to tell her, her parents were there and we ended up all talking for an hour or so. She had told me earlier that her parents were going to be there and I just didn't factor it in at all. Another stupid move.

 

As soon as her parents left, I told her that my heart wasn't in this, that I had feelings for someone else and couldn't keep doing this. She was devastated and told me to get out.

 

I felt horrid about it, because I really cared about this girl and had a fantastic time with her. It was a really difficult decision to end this with her in favour of my ex. I've never been in this situation and it felt terrible breaking up with someone I had such a good connection with.

 

Yesterday I got a msg from her that gave me a complete serve for what happened. She said that the last month was a complete lie, that I had been a coward, weak and cruel and that I'd ruined the respect she had for me and all the memories that we had. She said that I was hedging my bets with my ex to make sure she's interested and stringing her along to make a fool out of her. She ended it by saying that nothing I say or feel for her can justify the way I played this out and to never talk to her again.

 

It's kinda crushed me. I know that that's the way it feels to her and I thought I was on the right track by telling her the truth like this, but it completely blew up in my face.

 

I know I didn't handle this perfectly at all, and I feel horrendous for the way it's ended. I don't want to go through anything like this again, so I guess I'm just writing it out to understand it and know where I went wrong.

 

I really want to respond to her message to explain myself, but I don't feel like there's any point and I guess it might just help her get over me to think I'm that much of a dick. Any insight would be very much appreciated

[zen2475]

You can't change what has happened. I think you realize you should have stuck to your guns in the first place and let her go after your first attempt at the break up, and in stringing her along you did not do her or yourself any favors.

 

 

But again, that's water under the bridge.

 

 

I know you feel crappy, but the best thing you can do is apologize for your behavior, wish her the best, and cut her loose.

 

 

It's going to be up to her to come to terms with her own feelings at this point, and you need to forgive yourself and learn from this experience. If a situation gets to the point again that you need to let someone go, do it with honesty, integrity, empathy and respect the next time.

[hoping2heal]

Well, first of all the girl simply called you right out on it. I realize you didn't mean for your actions to be so hurtful; but put yourself in her shoes. Imagine thinking someone cared about you for a whole month only to find out they had been waiting for a "good time" to break the truth which is they want someone else.

 

You would be crushed, no? It would just be such an awful feeling.

 

Also, this whole thing with your ex really sounds sketchy. You went overseas and saw the ex HOW?!

 

How long had you and the ex been broken up for?

 

You remind me of cognitive dissonance personified; you want to be a stand up guy but your actions are that of otherwise.

[Jiivy]

Well, first of all the girl simply called you right out on it. I realize you didn't mean for your actions to be so hurtful; but put yourself in her shoes. Imagine thinking someone cared about you for a whole month only to find out they had been waiting for a "good time" to break the truth which is they want someone else.

 

You would be crushed, no? It would just be such an awful feeling.

 

Also, this whole thing with your ex really sounds sketchy. You went overseas and saw the ex HOW?!

 

How long had you and the ex been broken up for?

 

You remind me of cognitive dissonance personified; you want to be a stand up guy but your actions are that of otherwise.

 

^word.

 

These subforums on LS are filled with people who are heartbroken - many of them have been left by their partners for other people.

 

You won't find much comfort in the answers you get as a result.

 

Yes, you were a spineless coward. You f*****d up and hurt somebody very badly. I don't know if you've ever been on the receiving end of this, but it's increadibly traumatic.

 

My advice - if you're really sure about reconciling with ex, make it worthwhile. Try, be faithful and know that you will tempted by others again in the future - you will be challenged and that your relationship will have ups and downs. You owe it to the girl you left behind, to yourself and to your new partner to try your very best at this relationship before you check out again.

[michaellaw]

Cheers for the help, appreciate it.

 

I broke up with the ex 3 years ago because we both moved city, just life taking us in different directions. I saw her overseas for a few weeks and there was still a lot there. She told me that she was moving back home and we both wanted to be with each other when that happened. She means a lot to me and I know that I'm committed to this.

 

I guess I just don't know how I got myself into this situation. I obviously have some inept skills at dealing with this. Whether it's facing the truth, or making it easier for myself, I still don't quite know how to pinpoint it. Do people see counselors or psychologists about this kind of stuff?

 

That cognitive dissonance concept was an interesting read and surely something I'm guilty of. I talked to people about how I handle this and opinions were always split as to whether or not to tell her about the other girl. I thought that honesty was the right thing to do, but I don't know if that's for me or for her.

 

In hindsight, it's so easy to see that I should have been upfront as soon as I got back, but I don't know how that wasn't on my radar a month ago. I just look at this and think that I'm a **** person and I don't quite know where to start fixing that