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It's been about a year now,


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Always Pondering

and I have come to the conclusion I need to talk to someone about this. This is my first thread but I have been attempting to overcome this issue myself and it isn't working. I have read a decent amount of posts on this forum and other pages but nothing has really done it for me yet. Be warned! This post is pretty long in my opinion so if you read through the whole thing then I am extremely thankful that you did.

 

So here is a quick run-though of my situation: We started dating towards the end of high school and went to the same university for the first part of college. Life through high school and my first year of college was amazing, everything was just perfect. I saved up enough for a car, had a ton of friends, made great grades, was really fit, and had the best girlfriend in the entire world. I was so happy and my girlfriend (at the time of course) shared practically every similar interest with me: we loved the same music (especially classical), ate the same foods (she is the only person I know who likes/dislikes the same things as I do), had the same hobbies, majored in the same field, came from nearly the same area and everything you could possibly imagine.

 

Things however started to run downhill. We both had our issues that influenced the breakup I'm sure but I most definitely had a lot. For the most part I was too jealous (95% of her friends are guys) and I realize now that I should have simply trusted her more. We ended our relationship (her decision) back in around May and we dated for about two years. This probably isn't much in comparison to marriages or other relationships but I am young, this was my first serious relationship (we lived together towards the end of the relationship), she was my absolute best friend and she was my first sexual partner.

 

Shortly about a month after our breakup she went into a relationship with another guy for several months but it was most likely just a rebound (I was still devastated). I went NC with her throughout the period until she contacted me at the end of October apologizing for things. We talked about things and for some reason told me she didn't want to date anymore for several years, but then proceeded to enter another relationship just a week later. To this day I do not know why she did that and probably never will. I found out because I checked her Facebook profile (not a good idea) and felt devastated again.

 

This is probably where I have screwed myself over. After finding out about her new boyfriend I thought to myself that keeping in contact with her will just destroy me and if I stopped talking to her then that would clear the slate for a potentially new friendship and we would just be friends later down the road. I told her in October to never contact me again and I have regretted this decision since. I felt I really hurt her when I did. At about January I wished her a Happy New Year's and contacted her. I thought to myself at the time it was okay and I do not remember what I said but I am pretty sure I apologized for what I said and wanted to know if she wanted to be friends.

 

She has read the messages but completely ignored them and said nothing so we have not spoken to each other since October of last year. From what I have read, I assume she is very happy in her current relationship and wants nothing to do with me anymore forever. I smile upon the memories we had and the experiences but miss that we are no longer friends.

 

And here after all, this is my problem. For the past entire year, I have been having dreams with her in it sometimes and occasionally crying in the shower (which I rarely do). I did feel happy back in October when she contacted me but for some reason my dumb brain decided to tell her not to talk to me again. I am glad to find out that she has a nice boyfriend who treats her well (I do not know for sure but I assume so) but utterly devastated that I have lost my best friend forever. I am sad we ended on a bad note and things came out to be this way because what I had hoped would happen is I would move on healthily and we would be in a purely platonic friendship by now.

 

My life has declined pretty rapidly since around half a year ago. I have much less friends now, gained a little weight, doing less well in school, and I'm stuck about this situation. I tried doing things such as socializing, going to the gym, etc. but nothing seemed to happen. If we had a nice last discussion or if we were just simple friends right now I would be the happiest person alive. I do not even want a relationship with her anymore, just a friendship. I keep a journal to record my feelings but have found out I am making very little progress. At around the same time I decided to begin a fitness program to get back into shape and have looked into volunteer opportunities.

 

My question is, what is the best thing I should do right now? My heart really, really wants to endure the pain and hope for just a friendship but it seems she wants absolutely nothing to do with me since she did not reply and I have read that letting go is very important but that's extremely hard for me because our friendship was the best thing to happen to me, ever. Will I /ever/ forget about her and should I try? If anyone has been in this scenario before, have you ever become just friends at any point later down the road? Why did tell me about not wanting to date then date someone right after, was it because she was in a rough patch? Did I mess up our potential friendship by telling her not to contact me? Should I try again and send another message?

 

Honestly the dream result I want to happen is us being friends and nothing more but I am not sure if that will happen or if it's possible. I have not felt like myself since we have stopped talking even as just friends post break-up. All I want now is just for this pain to go away. I feel sometimes I am going crazy because of the fact that there are nights where I am back to Day 1 post-breakup and nothing has improved. People say time will heal all wounds but it's been the toughest year of my life and I do not know how well I will hold up if I feel like this for another year, maybe 5 years, maybe the rest of my life. I have also read that forgiving yourself will heal the wounds but I have felt I really hurt her in October.

 

I just, don't know what to do. If someone had this exact same scenario by some off-chance, I would be blessed to find out what happened in the end.

 

Oh, and Happy Easter :)

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FortunateSon

Everyone heals differently and at their own pace. It sounds as if you haven't fully let go, ask yourself honestly: is being purely platonic friends with her really something you want or deep down are you still hoping for reconciliation? Holding on to hope will make it harder to move forward.

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hoping2heal

Hello AP,

 

Seems like you are being really hard on yourself. I get the impression that your pain has been quite compounded by the fact that you feel guilty for the way you behaved. I want to tell you that you didn't do anything out of the normal, really! You were hurting and acted out but you're young, learning, and it's okay to make those mistakes.

 

As much as you think you want to be friends, you don't know who this girl has become and I am not sure seeing her do all of things you two used to do - would make you feel if it were right up front in your face.

 

Relationships do not always work out, and rarely does the first serious relationship. I think about some of my friends growing up and it's hard to believe that some of them I have not contacted for 10+ years, and some of them I'm in "casual contact" with but we don't really "know" eachother. Kind of crazy when I think back to all of the years and experiences I had with those people.

 

But, I have since made new friends I am close with. Same goes for relationships. Some of them work out long-term and some do not. It's painful but it's "the circle of life". Loss is a normal, albeit exceptionally painful part of life.

 

Please, stop beating yourself up for your actions. If she has a new boyfriend and a new love - believe me when I tell you that you two are not going to have that same "Closeness" ever again because that is reserved for new loves.

 

Work on getting yourself back to good and you will find new friends, new loves, etc. too

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I went through something eerily similar. I dated my ex-girlfriend ~2 years, we broke up when she didn't see a future, and then she was in another relationship around 3-4 weeks later. I know that can be absolutely devastating. I also went no contact after though she proposed being friends. I don't think you should beat yourself up about going no contact. I think it's an essential step in a situation such as that to start to feel better yourself. When someone jumps into a rebound relationship, it makes you feel like you were replaced, and that feeling can be one of the worse. I will never understand it myself, but other people deal with breakups other ways such as jumping into a next relationship. We just have to cope and emerge stronger all in our own ways. There was nothing wrong with what you did.

 

It sounds like you haven't gotten over her in all honesty. She may have been your best friend while in the relationship, but people change and life proceeds. You'll meet new friends, date other girls, and form a better relationship in the future. It seems you deserve someone who will treat you a lot better anyway. Also, a person who is truly your friend wouldn't respond to you in such ways. If you were truly meant to be friends with your ex, you will be someday, and at that point it won't even matter to you. I don't think it will be possible to have that same closeness as someone mentioned earlier again, but there will be others that come into your life. It just takes time. I know it hurts now, but it'll get better. Just take it slow.

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Always Pondering

Thank you so much for your posts, I feel so much better reading them already. It might be because I do not talk to anyone about this (to the several friends I have, I hate talking about negative things with them because they kind of look up to me).

 

H2H, I have thought about that before and it's most likely true I do feel guilty for my actions. The problem is that I cannot find a way to forgive myself at all; during the first part of our relationship it was strange but I think during the first year of college I cannot think of anything wrong of her as a girlfriend. Now that I can see what I have lost and is gone, she did a lot more for me than I thought. I should trusted her more and overcome my jealousy. I do not know what else to do to get rid of the guilt.

 

There is also that "what if" scenario playing out in the back of my mind all the time for the past several months. I always ask myself if I didn't tell her to not contact me anymore back in late October (or at least not as harshly) then would we be friends now? This is the largest part of my guilt because we were best friends before we dated and now that I have literally thrown away my one best friend that I trusted the most, I do not know how to overcome this issue. For some reason I feel that back in January even if she said "ok" instead of ignoring the lengthy e-mail I sent her, I would feel better. Did she ignore me to spite me or does she not care anymore? I would find it hard to see that she does not care because I was her longest relationship and most serious one as well but would not be surprised if that was the answer. For the longest time (maybe she still does) she still slept with the pillow pet that I gave her a really long time ago every night because she prized that as her most favorite thing even if we ever broke up. I do not know if she has thrown it away yet because the last time I saw or talked to her was October.

 

You guys are absolutely right that life is ever-changing and full of surprises, things come and go. I probably am not 100% done with letting her go but I do not know how to honestly as lame as that sounds. Any relationship I've been in was never this serious, we even talked about our careers, where we would live together in the future and everything.

 

I may sound naive but I really do think I'm okay with just being friends. The issue before was that I kept fantasizing about our possible reconciliation but nowadays I just miss when we hung out with our group of friends or talked like buddies. I have played out the scenario in my head where we would just be good friends while she was in love with her current boyfriend numerous times and I do not feel hurt by it and am totally okay. It's different from reality of course but I do not even want to reconcile with her on a partner-level since that would just bring more trouble. At this point I just want our friendship we had before we dated. If I could make a deal with "fate" knowing that we would never become a couple again but remained friends then I probably would. I was never able to talk to any of my other friends about stuff I talked to her about. Like H2H said, if she did change as a person altogether then I would not mind if we contacted each other, I found out about this, and we were sure not to be friends anymore forever. If I contacted her now to find out though I would most likely not even get a response so I don't know.

 

Update to my situation about change in interests however, I have already gotten a couple of offers in selling my tower (I really feel unproductive playing games and want to go cold turkey) and will be selling it in 1-2 days. If I can't change the past I want to at least make sure this doesn't interfere with my life or a relationship later down the road.

 

I honestly don't know what I'm looking for but I feel I just need some answer that relieves my mind or some fast change. She never told me to go away forever (but doing my best not to contact her to respect her) but yet my friends tell me she's still the same person and likes doing the same things. I switch in between "I am moving on and it's time to meet new people" to "She would enjoy racing this race with me and my friends, she love this race" and vice-versa. I am just stuck and even though I don't feel as terrible as I did post-breakup, I feel I am getting nowhere in closure. What should I do? Contact her and hope for just one discussion? Sit around (not literally) and endure this pain for who knows how many more years? I just need /something/ to happen, or help on how to overcome guilt/forgive yourself if that's the golden answer. I hear getting a rubber band on your wrist and snapping it every time you think about your ex is a thing but don't really think that would do much.

 

Sorry for the long post (this may be even longer than my first post) but this is the most difficult obstacle I've faced in my entire life so far and I need help with it. Thank you all SO MUCH once again for taking time out of your lives to read my post, it makes me feel appreciated and loved and I do not even know you people personally.

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Hey man,

 

Trust me.. you may want it... but a friendship won't bring you anything that you think it will.

 

I was with one person from 19 to my mid 30s. Then we had to live and work together for 3.5yrs during the break up and divorce.

 

I have done the "Friends" game and played house, and its honestly not any better. You constantly hit your head on the glass ceiling cause it will always be undone.. not what it was or could have been. Those lingering feelings will always be there. The flipside has its downside too... but it improves over time (I hope.. only 4 months into total NC) where as the friends scenario is a constant reminder. Constantly picking at the scab prevents it from fully healing, don't get me wrong though.. there will always be a scar left behind. Thats the cost of getting close to people.

 

Im in Vancouver to if you ever need to talk it out.

 

Hang in there, these holidays typically make it worse - I know.

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Always Pondering

Hello oracle,

 

Thank you for reading my post, it means a lot to me

I am new to LS and funnily enough I read your pinned post earlier today and although it makes reality feel very harsh I agree with most of it. I agree that such strong experiences will become part of you throughout your life and for the longest time I tried to just completely forget about my ex altogether but realized that's probably impossible or near close to it for me.

 

I am not doubting you because of your experience but do you not think it is possible at all for two exes to become friends later down the road with no issues or stirring of the past?

 

It may be that my unconscious perhaps still longs for a new relationship with her but when I'm not clouded with emotions all I really miss at this point is the closeness and laughter we had as best friends prior to the relationship. She was my best friend for a long time prior and when we stopped communicating completely, I felt like a part of me was just missing. I am totally okay with the fact that she probably has a sexual relationship with her new boyfriend and the thought of them having children doesn't seem to affect me (but how would I know since it hasn't happened yet as far as I'm aware). I just wish we chilled and hung out like old times.

 

Honestly back in October when I had my only potential chance of becoming friends with her again, it was like a lose-lose situation for me. At that point if I decided to stay in contact I screw myself over because I was not ready (or at least less ready) but on the other hand if I tell her I do not want contact then this happens and I lose my best friend. And there will always be that lingering thought whether or not things would've been different and I not been so harsh and bitter back in October about NC (which I obviously broke in January when I wanted to apologize).

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I understand these times can be very tough but you are so young and vibrate and you have ur life ahead of you. pm if you want

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hoping2heal

AP,

 

Sometimes exes do become friends down the road and it's totally fine. All old feelings dissipate. Yes, it can happen. Will that happen the two of you? Who knows.

 

But

 

You have to move forward with your life or you're going to stay stuck right here. Time will pass and you, AP, will be stuck planted firmly in the same spot. I don't want that for you. You shouldn't want that for you. Your moving forward shouldn't be contingent on this woman forgiving you or becoming your friend again and you seem almost obsessive with the thought - but not quite in a creepy meryl streep way - just in a way of someone who adamantly struggles to accept.

 

You're a human being. You have flaws. Learn from mistakes and move on. Stop holding expectations for yourself that do not exist. It would be great if we all were equipped with the answers and knew how to do everything right, but then we would be computers (hah) and not humans. You made choices and things happened. It's over now. You can't take it back.

 

It's time to put this much mental effort into getting yourself back.

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Always Pondering

Thank you so much for talking to me. I very much appreciate your responses especially considering the fact that these scenarios are stories you have probably heard over and over again, maybe just some a pinch different than others.

 

You are completely right as I do not want to be stuck forever. You are right in that I am the only one able to bring myself happiness and you are also right in that I am struggling to accept what has happened to not only our relationship but our friendship.

 

I will admit I feel lost as I do not have the same happiness as I did years ago. I am currently just running at the park and doing light workout at home but will be looking into a gym membership this week. I went to the local bookstore today and purchased two books, one about forgiveness and one about how thoughts affect happiness. I do not know if they will help but I like reading now and then maybe I will learn some interesting things in there. I am also looking into learning how to cook more complex foods out of curiosity and I'm sure women appreciate that in a man. The problem is my feelings about this situation is usually a roller-coaster and I will wonder how long this healing process takes when that happens.

 

I am still curious however as to why when my ex contacted me she said those things about her current boyfriend and what not. I know it won't change anything knowing but I have thought about this quite a decent amount over the past year and can never find an answer why. Maybe the reasoning why she did that is something harsh, maybe it is something nice, or maybe neither, but I feel my mind will be slightly more at peace if I knew why. I have heard closure is only achieved in yourself but it's weird that something like this question is on my mind but other things don't bother me.

 

If anyone knows, that would be great. If not, then it is okay and perhaps I will learn one day.

 

Tonight when I go to sleep I hope I do not wake up thinking too much into this, it really tires me throughout the day when I feel sad and it is difficult not knowing how long I will feel like this. I am feeling better currently thanks to minor decisions I have made this week (especially today) and you people of LS but I hope emotions don't cloud this "better feeling" after I wake up.

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Always Pondering

I want to once again thank LS for being so supportive and friendly, not only to me but everyone else seeking advice and comfort. This update post is partly to vent and partly to ask for an outside opinion on my current progress.

 

Ever since I have joined LS, I have learned things that will help me (mostly for future reference though) but I cannot deny the fact that I am not 100% over my ex and have not let go yet.

 

This morning I was hanging out with friends and one of them pulled up a picture of my ex and her boyfriend since it showed up in Facebook news feed for him and he is friends with her. There were tags such as "in love with him" and "best boyfriend ever" but they've only been in a relationship 1/4 of the time we did. Anyways, my point is I felt my heart beat slightly faster and felt some weird feeling (think it was a mixture of annoyance/anger) so after that event I felt like I went backwards in progress. I just told him to try to keep that stuff away or not talk about it when I am around.

 

I no longer check her Facebook page every day or two.

I no longer cry every night about her or have countless dreams about her.

I no longer wonder where she is or what she is doing 24/7. However I do still think about some memories when the day is not busy and when certain things happen (like when I go to our favorite ice cream place).

I no longer fantasize about us holding hands, kissing or reconciling ever in life but still hope we will casually talk years down the road.

I still for the most part think of what she would think of me whenever I do something like get a haircut, participate in a race, change my room around, etc.

I do not feel like breaking down or punching her in the face (not literally, I have never punched anyone in the face because I am against violence) anymore when/if I see a picture of her/them but after today, I realize it must still affect me if my heart beats a little faster and I feel slight irritation.

I have stopped wishing impending doom upon her and her current boyfriend but still am saddened that she has forgotten about me and is already "in love" with him just after such a short time.

I do not "hope" for a letter in my mailbox or an email from her anymore however I still wonder sometimes whether she hates me or does not give an ounce of care anymore.

I still think that when I run at the park (which I do every two days), she will be sitting on a bench with her boyfriend. Not as much as before but still happens.

 

So, those are some comparisons I want to throw out and would greatly appreciate your thoughts/concerns/advice/criticism about what I should do or how I am doing in the process of moving on. There may be some better comparisons but those are the ones I can think of right now. It's agonizing, because this year has felt so long because of this and I am really starting to get annoyed at the fact that it's this hard for me to let go/forgive myself. Also, if there are some more strange approaches to this that have worked for you guys (I heard something about snapping a rubber band on your wrist every time you think of your ex) then I would greatly appreciate that too! I have been reading/socializing/working out more but in very small bits and very slowly.

 

When I read posts/threads about how people have not gotten over their situation in years, it makes me worry because I am only just through my first and do not want to go through another. I know everyone heals at their own pace and differently but I wish it was as easy as making a grilled cheese and not like performing brain surgery to remove that part of her out of my brain.

 

P.S. I am annoyed at my friend because him bringing up the picture and saying something about it makes me feel like I "reset" my NC and am back to Day 1.

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elseaacych

It sounds like you are doing a great job! Don't be so down on yourself because you saw a picture of your ex and her new fling. Everybody gets that way. I got a twinge in my heart the other day when I saw my ex comment on a mutual friend's post. That pain will always be there. You just learn to accept it.

 

And don't think you're back on day one, either. Just read through your list of things you've done, and how far you've come since your break up! You are doing so well! Just keep working on yourself, and tell your friends not to give any news of your ex, because you don't care. If they are truly your friends, they will understand.

 

Remember just to take it one day at a time. You are one day closer to finding the love of your life.

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Always Pondering

Thank you elsea for the motivating words! I always love reading your posts. I do not think her current relationship is a fling (her last was probably) but that is besides the point. It's a shame to hear that the pain will always be there though as I do not like the feeling. I've seen comments from her through a mutual friend's post before and while it does get my attention, it does not incite this same irritation/anger I get from seeing photos.

 

I went to the park today to read a book for several hours, and at one point I thought to myself "what if [ex] was walking in the park with her friend and saw me?" then I told myself "no, that's really, really unlikely to happen and you're being silly". This thought process that I get every time I go the park or another similar place is really tiring but oh well.

 

I just wish this process was easier or faster somehow. Something I've noticed in my life is I usually find the solution (or very close to it) a little time after the problem has actually gone away and then I think to myself "I wish I knew this earlier". This situation feels like it'd be one of those times.

 

If anyone has anymore input then I'd love to hear it, otherwise I suppose I'll have to let time play it out until I have overcome this or until another event makes me want to post on LS again. :laugh:

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