Do you ever get to a stage of feeling nothing when seeing your ex?

[Eternal Sunshine]

I was kind of surprised when I run into my ex last night. Our R ended 2 years ago and we have had about 8 months of NC (at his request).

 

I thought I was over this 100% and never even gave him a second thought. But seeing him unsettled me. We had a quick chat just usual small talk. Then I got home and was hit by this feeling of sadness and wondering why things didn't end differently.

 

Hopefully this mood will pass

[Raena]

I think you will get to that point somewhere along the line. I sure hope so anyway.

 

I know what you mean... the one time I had to see my ex after several months with no contact was very unsettling. I found myself doing exactly what you did... analyzing what was said, how he looked, the faces he made and feeling somewhat sad that after 11 years this is what it has come to. I can't say I looked at him and missed him or felt much of anything other than anxiety, but I did feel like I was in the twilight zone. One look and I knew damn well that he isn't over me, that he still loves me and that he wishes things were different... but yet he's living with the skank he cheated on me with so all of that stuff doesn't really matter.

 

I sure hope I get to the point where I feel nothing at all... just courteous conversation without any anxiety would be nice for now.

[Eternal Sunshine]

I think you will get to that point somewhere along the line. I sure hope so anyway.

 

I know what you mean... the one time I had to see my ex after several months with no contact was very unsettling. I found myself doing exactly what you did... analyzing what was said, how he looked, the faces he made and feeling somewhat sad that after 11 years this is what it has come to. I can't say I looked at him and missed him or felt much of anything other than anxiety, but I did feel like I was in the twilight zone. One look and I knew damn well that he isn't over me, that he still loves me and that he wishes things were different... but yet he's living with the skank he cheated on me with so all of that stuff doesn't really matter.

 

I sure hope I get to the point where I feel nothing at all... just courteous conversation without any anxiety would be nice for now.

 

Exactly this. When I saw that it's him I was hit by a huge wave of anxiety. Then we ignored each other all evening (we were in the same bar) but kind of kept looking at each other. Finally he came over to say hi (I wasn't going to because it was him that insisted on strict NC). He gave me a hug and I didn't feel any attraction or anything, just this sadness. It was especially bizzare that when we lived together we used to go out like that and then come home together. And now....my life is so different it's like that life with him never existed...and we are strangers reduced to small talk. Just hard to wrap my mind around.

[Eternal Sunshine]

The other thing that I found extremely weird is that 2 of mutual friends that were on/off dysfunctional couples are now married with kids. And yet when we were dating, we seemed like the most solid and committed couple of them all. At that stage they were casual/FWB. And now....just strange how life turned out.

[contact1]

It's tough, when you are in a relationship, especially one for a long time, it is just a part of you, your past experience and feelings, kind of like your childhood, it is who you were and are. So yes, it is nature for these feelings to come up, it doesn't make you any weaker for feeling them, just a normal human being

[Els]

It did for me. I met my last ex again about 2-3 years after we broke up. Felt zero, nothing more than platonic friends.

 

The R wasn't all that serious, though, even though we were together for about 1.5 years. So that might have been why.

[organizedchaos]

I don't know. This relationship and bu has really affected me like no other. It's been 9 months post bu and I am dating. But I'm not sure I will ever completely get to 100% indifference.

[Eternal Sunshine]

Luckily it seems to be out of sight, out of mind for me so moving should help

[Arieswoman]

I don't think anyone who has truly loved someone else will ever totally 100% get over the loss of the relationship. Most of us will, now and again, wonder about "what might have been".

 

However, I think you can eventually get to the stage where having the odd thought about them doesn't bother you anymore.

 

I haven't seen my exWS for about 15 years. As we had no children and as I now live in a different city I am unlikely to meet him ever again. I suppose I am fortunate in that respect.

[Raena]

Exactly this. When I saw that it's him I was hit by a huge wave of anxiety. Then we ignored each other all evening (we were in the same bar) but kind of kept looking at each other. Finally he came over to say hi (I wasn't going to because it was him that insisted on strict NC). He gave me a hug and I didn't feel any attraction or anything, just this sadness. It was especially bizzare that when we lived together we used to go out like that and then come home together. And now....my life is so different it's like that life with him never existed...and we are strangers reduced to small talk. Just hard to wrap my mind around.

 

I thank God he and I both quit drinking and going out to bars because I could see that exact scenario playing out for he and I. Except, I'd probably get drunk and go home bawling my eyes out or do something completely stupid because that's what drunk people do.

 

That is exactly how I feel too... that the life I had with him never existed. I know it's for the best for us to be done and I don't want him back but it doesn't change the fact that it blows my mind that we are actually over with. The sadness does go away I think... I hope.

[Raena]

I don't think anyone who has truly loved someone else will ever totally 100% get over the loss of the relationship. Most of us will, now and again, wonder about "what might have been".

 

However, I think you can eventually get to the stage where having the odd thought about them doesn't bother you anymore.

 

I haven't seen my exWS for about 15 years. As we had no children and as I now live in a different city I am unlikely to meet him ever again. I suppose I am fortunate in that respect.

 

3 days ago would have been the 20 year anniversary of my wedding day to my ex-husband. I thought about him, but I wasn't sad. I haven't seen him in at least 15 years but if I ran into him now, I doubt I'd feel much of anything, so yeah, it does go away. But then again... I wasn't heartbroken when he and I split up.

 

Now my first love would have been another story. Even 10 years after he and I split up I still got the butterflies every time I saw him. That missing him feeling went away as long as I didn't see him but every time I ran into him it would come right back, butterflies in the stomach and all. Sadly, he passed away a few years ago so I won't ever be running into him again.

 

But this most recent ex.... my emotions are mixed up with him. I think for me, getting involved with someone else (the right someone else, not just the first person that pays attention to me) would make a world of difference. I need someone to divert my attention from him and what he did to me but yet I'm feeling empowered by the fact that I'm staying single by choice for now until I know for sure I'm completely over him.

 

I'm very determined to make the next LTR I end up in be the one that lasts me for the rest of my life. (and makes me forget all about the others)

[Jiivy]

I'm very determined to make the next LTR I end up in be the one that lasts me for the rest of my life. (and makes me forget all about the others)

 

My only "warning" to this would be not take up a relationship just for relationship's sake.

 

Don't get me wrong - being in a place where you're comitted to investing in a relationship & actually WORKING through things...that to me is the right place to be.

 

Just make it with someone who has the same expectations of what commitment is!

[Raena]

My only "warning" to this would be not take up a relationship just for relationship's sake.

 

Don't get me wrong - being in a place where you're comitted to investing in a relationship & actually WORKING through things...that to me is the right place to be.

 

Just make it with someone who has the same expectations of what commitment is!

 

Oh I know... I'm kind of liking being single for the moment. That's why I said the "right someone else." I'm not looking to get into a random relationship. He'd have to be someone pretty special.

 

So... OP... what do you think? Do you think being with someone else would make it easier for you to see your ex and not get so upset?

[soundtrackofmylife]

I have an ex - we were together 7 years. I regularly see him when I visit home as we still have the same circle of friends and I feel nothing but friendly feelings towards him now - It can be done - But don't beat yourself up for wintering or feeling sad. It's natural xx

[Keenly]

Yes, you can get to that point.

[Eternal Sunshine]

I'm very determined to make the next LTR I end up in be the one that lasts me for the rest of my life. (and makes me forget all about the others)

 

Ditto. I will only get seriously involved with someone if it's going to last the rest of my life. I don't know how people deal with repeated losses of LTRs. I don't want to deal with this again.

 

It's either casual or forever, no in between.

[Trovador]

Well, no more nor less than other pre and post exes...

 

Just a bit of emotion, because robots we are not... but after the encounter, I'd stop any thought of her, or rather any thought about what could have been... the infamous "what if..."

 

But I think seeing my puppy love would affect me more (we split when we were 15, I never saw her again)...

[FortunateSon]

I dated my son's mother for 6 years, after we split up for good I was devastated and thought I could never be love or happy again. For the last 6 or so years(about 8 years since we split) we have gotten along very well and I don't have the slightest romantic feeling for her, she subsequently got married and had another child.

 

About a year and a half after things ended with her I ended up getting into a serious 6 year relationship/engagement with my current ex. We split up about 10 months ago and I am still not in the place I want to be, but know that I have gotten through something similar once, therefore I know I can do it again. The fear of the future is the biggest thing I deal with now, will I find someone I feel like that about again?

[bluegreen]

No, never. But the pang becomes more bearable, more short-lived.

 

Oh yes you do or perhaps exceptions are some exes

There is one that each time thought of him ( once in blue moon ) occurs

I GO EWWWWWWW but you guys are kind of right for some that had quality in them we might always feel that little prick of momentary sadness and pain.

 

 

 

Then life goes on as is ...

[cavalier99]

It goes away eventually. The ex that brough me to LS in 2012 doesnt even produce the least bit of anxiety or pain when i see or talk to her.

 

Then again im in a new RS . This might have something to do with my complete indifference. I cant even remeber what it felt like to be upset over her and i suffered for like 6 months. Cav

[veggirl]

Definitely you can get to that point. Maybe what you were feeling was kind of a nostalgia. I have one ex that I feel nothing for, period, when I've run into him, and another that I have this kinda funny feeling...I know it's not love or sadness, I think it's just nostalgia, it's a kind of bittersweet reminder of what used to be. I don't miss him or want him back in any way, but if I come across a photo of him or something, I do sometimes have a passing strange feeling. I think he just represented a lot of change in my life--like you my life is like he was never in it, I'm in a waaaay different place than I was then, one I could never have imagined. The feeling isn't about him perse, it's just about that time in my life. Even though I was pretty fked up at that point of my life (when he was in it), it was a crazy, fun time, and he was a part of it.

[Ordinaryday]

I was kind of surprised when I run into my ex last night. Our R ended 2 years ago and we have had about 8 months of NC (at his request).

 

I thought I was over this 100% and never even gave him a second thought. But seeing him unsettled me. We had a quick chat just usual small talk. Then I got home and was hit by this feeling of sadness and wondering why things didn't end differently.

 

Hopefully this mood will pass

 

depends on the ex. One thing about my approach that is wildly different to some people here is that I DONT CARE ABOUT HURTING THE DUMPERS FEELINGS, or putting on a facade for them. they hurt me, they broke my heart, so hurting their feelings is the least of my worries... what this means is that on the few occasions that I have bumped into dumpers in the city or something and they tried to make small talk with me...

 

I outright said to their face "Don't speak to me!" and kept walking.

 

did this look immature? sure, but I DONT CARE. did this hurt their feelings? sure, but I DONT CARE. did this make it look like I am not yet over them? Maybe, but I DONT CARE.

 

I stopped caring about their welfare when they dumped me. and by doing this direct approach of saying "Don't speak to me!" if they try to make small talk it sends a very clear signal and then THEY NEVER EVER send breadcrumbs again and if they see me in public they avoid me.

 

I like this approach.

 

but I imagine a lot of people here would not be this direct, they care about being the "bigger person" or something. fortunately I dont.

[Eternal Sunshine]

Definitely you can get to that point. Maybe what you were feeling was kind of a nostalgia. I have one ex that I feel nothing for, period, when I've run into him, and another that I have this kinda funny feeling...I know it's not love or sadness, I think it's just nostalgia, it's a kind of bittersweet reminder of what used to be. I don't miss him or want him back in any way, but if I come across a photo of him or something, I do sometimes have a passing strange feeling. I think he just represented a lot of change in my life--like you my life is like he was never in it, I'm in a waaaay different place than I was then, one I could never have imagined. The feeling isn't about him perse, it's just about that time in my life. Even though I was pretty fked up at that point of my life (when he was in it), it was a crazy, fun time, and he was a part of it.

 

Yes, that's what I think it is. We traveled and did a lot of things together that have created memories.

 

I was very messed up in that R and did some f-ed up things. I have changed so much since then, still it's kind of bittersweet. Strange feeling that's hard to articulate. It's passing now thank god.

[zyketti]

Well, I have two serious ex's in my life.

 

First ex I was with for 7 years, and she moved on to another guy a week after our breakup. They are still together. I bear no resentment to her. I know the pain that she went through to breakup with me, and although I used to hope that this guy was a rebound, I'm very glad that they're making it work. I saw them maybe 3 times in the last two years, and I don't really feel much. Maybe a dose of adrenaline perhaps, but nothing else. I knew that relationship wasn't going to work forever, but I'm forever grateful for the experiences we shared.

 

Second ex, we broke up a month ago. Unfortunately, I see her at church every week. We do glance at each other time to time. For the first two weeks, it really sucked going to church, I hated seeing her there. It hurt me, my heart hurt and I couldn't keep my head up. When I went this past Friday, I felt comfortable, I could focus on the service and worship. My heart felt heavy, but that was about it. Doesn't mean I'm not in love with her now, but I'm slowly moving on. Our breakup was semi-mutual, while I was heartbroken for a long time, it was necessary..

[Frank2thepoint]

Do you ever get to a stage of feeling nothing when seeing your ex?

 

I saw my second ex-girlfriend about six months after I broke up with her. She conveniently found some things of mine which I was looking for but couldn't find. When we met up, I felt a bit anxious, but mostly because I wanted the meet to end as quickly as possible. It was literally under a three minute meet at a public venue I chose. She gave me my stuff and tried to small talk with me. I gave curt answers and then she leaned in to kiss me on the cheek. I left in haste.

 

I have not seen or heard from second ex-girlfriend in ten years. A few months ago I had seen a woman that looked liked her, and I actually became anxious and slightly angry. A calm wave washed over me when I realized it was not her. I was really relieved.

 

My last ex-girlfriend I had broken up with because she was still in love with her ex-boyfriend. I ran into her three separate times over two year period. Ironically I felt nothing bad for her, no anxiety, or trepidation, just a friendly demeanor. I guess because the relationship, if you wish to call it that, lasted for three months only and I did not invest much of myself into it.

 

I think with exes that you had invested time, energy, and your heart into, leave a scar that will never mend. You can have various feelings from anxiety, to sadness, even elation, but it will still affect you.