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Communication with ex..


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Would like to hear peoples opinion on this.

 

If you are friends with your ex (talk every month or so, lets say)and you start a relationship with someone new.

 

1. Would you tell your ex about it if you thought they might be holding onto hope?

 

If yes,

2. How much detail would you provide?

 

Thank you,

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First of all, you shouldn't be friends with an ex whom you think is holding on to the hope of you getting back together. That is not only cruel to the ex (staying in his life is only going to taunt him and mess with his head), but also poses a risk to any new relationship that you enter. Your new SO will think you still have feelings for this ex if you keep him around knowing that he still wants you.

 

If there is NO chance that you or your ex have any feelings for each other, you should definitely tell them about your SO. That is not something you hide from a friend unless you think this information may hurt them because you think they are still in love with you. You wouldn't need to go into detail. Even if you are completely over each other, you wouldn't want to hear all about your ex's sex life or the like. And you should NEVER talk to your ex about any problems going on with your current bf/gf. Big no-no.

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First of all, you shouldn't be friends with an ex whom you think is holding on to the hope of you getting back together. That is not only cruel to the ex (staying in his life is only going to taunt him and mess with his head), but also poses a risk to any new relationship that you enter. Your new SO will think you still have feelings for this ex if you keep him around knowing that he still wants you.

 

If there is NO chance that you or your ex have any feelings for each other, you should definitely tell them about your SO. That is not something you hide from a friend unless you think this information may hurt them because you think they are still in love with you. You wouldn't need to go into detail. Even if you are completely over each other, you wouldn't want to hear all about your ex's sex life or the like. And you should NEVER talk to your ex about any problems going on with your current bf/gf. Big no-no.

 

Agreed.

 

So, is it save to say - if an ex starts explaining a new person in their life in detail such as: where they met them, when, how beautiful and cleaver they are, the fact that they like them, concerns they have etc.) Chances are its because they are sharing friendly info?

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It depends. Is this something that you're going through right now? If so, did you ask the ex if they were seeing someone else or did they mention it voluntarily? Same goes with all the details. Did they mention those things because you were asking specific questions about their new SO? If not, it sounds like this ex may be talking up their SO to perhaps make you jealous. OR, on the other hand, this ex may have zero feelings for you whatsoever and thinks you feel the same so they view you as any other friend and has no problems gushing about their new partner to you. It's hard to say without more details.

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I gather it was the ex who shared this information with the OP...

 

And I guess she or he did it on purpose, so the OP might stop hoping and move on...

 

Not a friendly motive, but it is safe to assume that she or he expects the OP to enrich his/her zone of friends...

 

Get out now, stop the friends charade and detox off your ex...

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It depends. Is this something that you're going through right now? If so, did you ask the ex if they were seeing someone else or did they mention it voluntarily? Same goes with all the details. Did they mention those things because you were asking specific questions about their new SO? If not, it sounds like this ex may be talking up their SO to perhaps make you jealous. OR, on the other hand, this ex may have zero feelings for you whatsoever and thinks you feel the same so they view you as any other friend and has no problems gushing about their new partner to you. It's hard to say without more details.

 

Yes, it is something i am going through now. No i did not ask for any information at all. My ex had increased contact with me and then recently sent me a long email, which also included details of this new woman that he had been talking to.He initiated all the relationship info. Going by the info he provided, his first real meeting with her took place 2 week before but they have been chatting for months.

 

I agree, with the possible reasons you provided.

 

I gather it was the ex who shared this information with the OP...

 

And I guess she or he did it on purpose, so the OP might stop hoping and move on...

 

Not a friendly motive, but it is safe to assume that she or he expects the OP to enrich his/her zone of friends...

 

Get out now, stop the friends charade and detox off your ex...

 

You are correct, this is something that i experienced just over a week ago.

 

My thoughts are the same as yours. I think that he did it on purpose for the reasons you stated.

 

More details are as follows:

 

His opening line in telling me was " I've started a funny thing with a woman in another country" (insert details as i stated "She's beautiful and cleaver.."etc, and ended with "I feel sorta daft pursuing something with a woman so far away, but oh well"

 

My initial reaction was to congratulate him, and tell him i was happy for him. I also said not to let distance put him off.

Now, I have been seeing someone myself for a few months. He is a friend i have known for years. Its one of those relationships where we are seeing how it goes before we share it with our friendship group. Its nice but we really haven't shared it yet. So, As a knee jerk reaction i tell the ex in my response about my fella. I don't share the same level of details as he has, but i mention it.

 

My exes response to this was short. No mention of my new beau. Just mentions a book we were discussing. I guess i kinda expected the "oh, i'm happy for you, too" message but i got no acknowledgement at all.

 

Me and this ex share a friendship group. I think it has added to the reason we have stayed casual friends like we have. In our circle, if people have dated and it doesn't work out, people just get on with it. As we see each other at social events etc.

 

After his book response, i realised (due to us sharing the some of the same friends), that i should add "hey, not that you necessarily would, but can you not mention me and my fella to the gang just yet, we are seeing how it goes before we do? Anyways, i will look into getting that book, sounds like it will be exactly what i need. Thanks for that"

 

btw, The ex does not know the new bf. Its two friendship groups that overlap.

 

This message has been read but no response. this was last week when i sent it.

 

Now, i'm not sure what to think.

 

Why do i even care that my message has been ignored or that i didn't get there friendly "thats good news"? ...After he had written so much about his new lady. IDK. But i do care enough to write on this forum.

Edited by pret
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I don't communicate with exes, they are "ex" for a reason.

 

The only time you need to talk to an ex is if you have a child/children with them, but that doesn't apply here.

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I don't communicate with exes, they are "ex" for a reason.

 

The only time you need to talk to an ex is if you have a child/children with them, but that doesn't apply here.

 

My first ever bf is a close friend of mine and my family. He came to my dads funeral and attended my mums 60s birthday party. He is married now and we are very good friends.

 

I think if enough time has past then people can be friends.

 

Dont get me wrong, i have some exes that i would *never* want to speak to again.

 

Not everybody is the same though...

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Why be "friends" with an Ex?

 

Do your Parents and their Friends have their Exes over for Thanksgiving and Christmas Dinner?

 

Assuming they have no kids together, I'm gonna guess that is a no.

 

Don't expect to be at your Exes wedding, in the waiting room when they have their first child, opening presents with your Ex and their Husband or Wife on Christmas morning.

 

Being "friends" with your Ex is temporary. One or both of you fall in love with someone. Your BF / GF / Husband / Wife isn't going to be down with you having a "friendship" with your Ex.

 

Rip the band-aid off now and ditch your "friend" / Ex.

 

Oh, and yes i did attend my first ever bfs wedding (we were together 5 years). We are close friends now. We just didnt work out as a couple.

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...So i have an email notification saying i've received a PM from him right now. He's out drinking because its his birthday tomorrow.

 

I will check this in the morning.

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ConfusedHumanBeing
...So i have an email notification saying i've received a PM from him right now. He's out drinking because its his birthday tomorrow.

 

I will check this in the morning.

 

I'd delete it. Won't say anything of value and just keep you stagnate

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I'd delete it. Won't say anything of value and just keep you stagnate

 

You're probably right. But i want a positive response from him. I just do! IDK why...

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ConfusedHumanBeing
You're probably right. But i want a positive response from him. I just do! IDK why...

 

I know why. Stevie Wonder locked in a bomb shelter can see why. You obviously have more feelings than a "friend" since you joined this site and seem to be trying to rationalize EVERY single thing your ex says. Seems pretty cut and dry to me.

 

Dont you have a bf currently? What does it matter what your ex says....again, unless their is other motives.

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I know why. Stevie Wonder locked in a bomb shelter can see why. You obviously have more feelings than a "friend" since you joined this site and seem to be trying to rationalize EVERY single thing your ex says. Seems pretty cut and dry to me.

 

Dont you have a bf currently? What does it matter what your ex says....again, unless their is other motives.

 

Well, i must say. Im glad you know how i feel and why.

 

To be honest, my original post was to check if he was being rude or nasty to me in some way. His message was completely over the top.

 

Yes, i am seeing someone as stated.

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ConfusedHumanBeing
Well, i must say. Im glad you know how i feel and why.

 

To be honest, my original post was to check if he was being rude or nasty to me in some way. His message was completely over the top.

 

Yes, i am seeing someone as stated.

 

Lol no reason to get bitey.

 

Okay then why would it matter if it was nasty or not? Again, why would you ask it on a break up forum and worry about it so much if you have someone else in your life?

 

I highly doubt he would probably look too highly on you posting on a forum about previous ex's while you are dating him either lol...

 

What I'm saying is it doesnt matter in the slightest....again, unless you have other motives that you are deciding not to divulge. Sounds like you are both playing some game of "I'm doing better than you"

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Lol no reason to get bitey.

 

Okay then why would it matter if it was nasty or not? Again, why would you ask it on a break up forum and worry about it so much if you have someone else in your life?

 

I highly doubt he would probably look too highly on you posting on a forum about previous ex's while you are dating him either lol...

 

What I'm saying is it doesn't matter in the slightest....again, unless you have other motives that you are deciding not to divulge. Sounds like you are both playing some game of "I'm doing better than you"

 

I was not trying to be bitey. I genuinely don't know why i care. I really don't see us as ever being together. I posted here because i couldn't find an exes portion of the forum.

 

"I'm doing better than you" <<< na, not from me at least.

 

Probably should read his response.

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ConfusedHumanBeing
I was not trying to be bitey. I genuinely don't know why i care. I really don't see us as ever being together. I posted here because i couldn't find an exes portion of the forum.

 

"I'm doing better than you" <<< na, not from me at least.

 

Probably should read his response.

 

"Started a funny thing with someone" -Ex

"Oh, I'm seeing someone too!" -You

 

Then follow it up with....

 

"hey, not that you necessarily would, but can you not mention me and my fella to the gang just yet,

 

Knee jerk reaction? I highly doubt that. Sounds to me that you are clearly trying to make sure he knows you are seeing someone. Whatever motive that is can be whatever you want it to be.

 

You keep saying "I dont know why I care." I think you know why you care. Either way, again, none of it really matters. Enjoy current boyfriend or whatever and just let pass

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"Started a funny thing with someone" -Ex

"Oh, I'm seeing someone too!" -You

 

Then follow it up with....

 

"hey, not that you necessarily would, but can you not mention me and my fella to the gang just yet,

 

Knee jerk reaction? I highly doubt that. Sounds to me that you are clearly trying to make sure he knows you are seeing someone. Whatever motive that is can be whatever you want it to be.

 

You keep saying "I dont know why I care." I think you know why you care. Either way, again, none of it really matters. Enjoy current boyfriend or whatever and just let pass

 

Yes, it was a knee jerk reaction to respond like for like. Yes, by me saying the words to him meant i wanted him to know. Its not "trying" if you just tell them.

 

This is my first time telling an ex i am seeing someone and for them to be seeing someone too. I respect other peoples perspectives on this matter, but i happen to disagree with a majority of people that believe you shouldn't be friends with an ex. Sorry, if someone is intelligent and interesting, and we share the same friends and interests, then i think its nice to be friends.

 

Ive sat and thought about this....so that i have a better understanding of my motives here.

 

It is *not* about getting back together.

 

Right, I care because this is the last bit. If we can both be happy for each-other and continue as friends, then we've done it. We've been mature. We haven't ripped each other apart verbally. We can chat and be in each-others company. I think this is all very healthy.

 

3 years ago my ex fiance and i broke up. Do you know what he did?! He was verbally abusive to me in a club, pushing me, taunting me. He screamed at me and told me in graphic detail about one of the woman he'd had sex while she sat next to me. He then started gyrating and kissing woman in front of me.He humiliated me. He mocked me about a miscarriage i'd had while everyone looked on in shock. He was the lowest of lows. He spread lies about me. I cut myself off. I stopped going to any place that i might see him. I disappeared. Cut off around 80% of my social group because i didn't want to share any connection with this man. I was so distraught, i lost weight and became depressed. I wanted to die. I had to start my life over. It was the hardest time in my life. Even thinking about it now leaves me shaking.

 

This breakup was so horrific, i was scared to enter into a new relationship as i was so fearful. So terrified of going through a breakup. I didn't want to try because if they don't work, as far as i was concerned, You get annihilated and broken to the point where life is unbearable.

 

So, yes, i care. I care that it can turn out okay. You don't have to loose everything! Its like i need proof.

 

Its not always about wanting to get back together or being underhanded. Im not trying to hurt him and i don't think he is trying to hurt me (well, i hope not). That *is* the reason i posted on here to check. Was he just being friendly and wanting to let me know.

 

Mmm..so

 

I think i'll check my messages now and see his response.Thank you for your input.

Edited by pret
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