Thinking about sending a letter, but not a typical one..

[Beebob38]

Hey everyone,

 

I just want some guidance on a letter I'm thinking about sending my ex. First, let me give a quick synopsis of our breakup. I'll try to keep it brief and straightforward.

 

The breakup happened almost 2 months ago. We were in a LDR for the past 8 months, although we were together for 11 now -- we're both in college, about 4 hours way. First semester went pretty well for us, although we fought some towards the end but then we had a great winter break together. This past semester, I admit that I started neglecting her and probably took her/the relationship for granted. I'm also not the very best at communicating my emotions and I can appear to be aloof sometimes, even when I'm not at all. I underestimated the work a LDR takes (and a relationship period, it's my first serious one). She was the one putting in all of the effort and she was madly in love, while I focused a lot on my schoolwork (I go to a top school, and she is understanding to a good degree). We started fighting a lot, but we always loved each other and I thought we were going to work through it. Up until the last week we were together, she was still talking about how she couldn't wait to be out of college to be with me for good.

 

Then, we got into a fight, and she reached a point where she said she thought it might be time to end things. Initially, it was a break and she needed space. But I didn't give it to her. I went into panic mode to salvage the relationship, or so I thought, and did the typical barrage of texts, emails, flowers, etc. for about 2 weeks -- the opposite of space. I'm an idiot, I know. So that only pushed her away more, and she said that it was a breakup, not a break, and that the past week had been very exhausting. She said she couldn't do long distance right now and that now isn't our time, especially since we'll be in different continents this summer -- I'll be working at an investment bank and she'll be in Japan the entire summer. I actually do agree. Looking back, our relationship needed a change. Rather, I needed to change how I approached the relationship and how I treated her. These are changes that I am willing to make and that I want to make. I love her with all my heart, and I want to do whatever I can to make it work. And I also think making it work over the summer would have been very difficult given the path our relationship had been taken.

 

I know she still loves me, and she has told me she could fully fall back in love with me. She's said the door might open in the future, and that we should see how things go. She also referred to this as a break one time. And if I'm going to get over analytical about this, she's posted lyrics on twitter about "having to let you go for now...". Maybe she's saying these things to keep me on a thread, but I do think she is genuine when she says now isn't our time. I agree that the time of all of this is out of wack because of this summer, and we both need to focus on ourselves for a bit.

 

In other words, I do think I have hopes for reconciliation. I'm trying to move on as best as I can, focusing on myself and school work, but honestly it's tough when I have a glimmer of hope and given how I feel about her.

 

It's now been almost 4 weeks weeks since I last contacted her, and she's leaving for Asia in a week. I won't get to see her for another 2 and a half months, at which point we'll both be home for a month before we go back to school again.

 

I want to send her a letter and one of my favorite books that has a special significance to me and that I think she'll enjoy while she's relaxing on her trip. 2 Christmases ago, when our relationship first sparked, I gave her another one of my favorite books with a really sweet note on the inside, and she loved it.

 

The letter wouldn't be a closure letter, or even an apology letter, or a letter explaining how I know what I did wrong. I've done all of that already, and apologies don't really mean anything anymore.

 

I just want to tell her how it was that I fell for her in the first place, and why I decided to take the big risk of an LDR with her. And how allowing myself to fall for her was the best thing I ever did. Those are things I never told her, me being the big relationship idiot I am. And I also want to tell her that I'm glad she's getting to go on this trip and I'm really happy for her, which I am, this is a very special place for her. And I think this is a book she'll enjoy and take a lot away from while she's on her trip. I'm also going to explain why the book has a special significance to me.

 

I want to do this because I'm not getting to see her before she leaves, and this is the sort of parting thing I would have done for her if I had gotten to see her. I also want to reaffirm to her that what I told her and what I expressed to her immediately after our breakup weren't just kneejerk reactions. After almost 2 months of being broken up, I still know that I love her and that I want to try and make things right with her. I want to be the boyfriend she deserves. And I guess I'm also trying to reignite the same feelings that were there when we first fell in love, those feelings that might have eroded some with the way I acted and how our relationship went. After this, I plan on returning to NC and continuining my "recovery process" and then just seeing how the summer plays out.

 

What do you guys think about this? Is this just going to push her away more and make her think I'm even more of a wuss? Am I just being selfish? Should I just let go 100%?

 

EDIT: Also want to add that I know I can't control her feelings and that I need to take her perspective. I'm not trying to control her feelings -- I'm just trying to show her how I genuinely care about her and how I'm genuinely willing to put in my part to make this work -- that all of the things I told her while in panic mode were honest. And part of the reason I'm posting here is because I'm hoping an outsider can help provide her perspective.

Edited April 18, 2014 by Beebob38

[Ordinaryday]

the only thing sending this letter will accomplish is giving her a huge ego boost and ease any guilt she feels about breaking up with you. if you want to give her that then by all means send it

[Beebob38]

Wow, point taken. How would it ease the guilt?

 

And I also feel like I'm in a weird situation. I was the one that broke the relationship, even though she decided to what was best for her and maybe even us by ending it. Now our relationship dynamic is completely reversed -- I'm the one pushing for it work and she's no longer.

Edited April 18, 2014 by Beebob38

[Ordinaryday]

How would it ease the guilt?

 

because most dumpers feel some guilt, to varying degrees, for hurting the dumpee.

 

and when you send her a letter telling her how amazing and great she is she will think "oh he is okay with everything, how nice" and then she wont feel even the slightest bit of guilt for terminating her relationship with you.

 

and then she will guilt-freely go and hook up with a new guy while you are still hurting.

 

if you want to give her that then send the letter.

[Beebob38]

Gotcha. That makes sense.

 

Is there any way that I can show her that what I told her was genuine and not just knee jerk? I guess that's one of my main motivations. I think if I go full NC, she, knowing how I have behaved in the past, will think I told her all that I told her out of desperation and as a way to not get rejected for the sake of my ego. But I dunno, I think she does already realize I was genuine. And if she truly wants to confirm and give it a shot, she'll come to me.

Edited April 18, 2014 by Beebob38

[Ordinaryday]

Gotcha. That makes sense.

 

Is there any way that I can show her that what I told her was genuine and not just knee jerk? I guess that's one of my main motivations. I think if I go full NC, she, knowing how I have behaved in the past, will think I told her all that I told her out of desperation and as a way to not get rejected for the sake of my ego. But I dunno, I think she does already realize I was genuine. And if she truly wants to confirm and give it a shot, she'll come to me.

 

yes, leave her completely alone. any contact you make makes you look desperate, creepy, needy, clingy and all other kinds of bad things.

 

but leaving her completely alone shows her that you are respecting her decision and being mature about it.

 

actions speak louder than words.

 

and if she wants you back she WILL message you. if she doesnt you will simply be in the same place you are now, but at least you will still have your dignity.

[Maverick1983]

Gotcha. That makes sense.

 

Is there any way that I can show her that what I told her was genuine and not just knee jerk? I guess that's one of my main motivations. I think if I go full NC, she, knowing how I have behaved in the past, will think I told her all that I told her out of desperation and as a way to not get rejected for the sake of my ego. But I dunno, I think she does already realize I was genuine. And if she truly wants to confirm and give it a shot, she'll come to me.

 

If she doesn't believe what you said to be genuine then she doesn't trust you and if she doesn't trust what you say then you may well be wasting your time. Neither of you are in a position from what I've read to start fresh approach to a relationship and she's asked for a break up so you really should do only one thing and that's leave her alone. If she wants a relationship with you she will come to you. You should do your best to move on IMO.

 

People myself included always look back on a failed relationship and say I should have done this, I should have done that but the truth is when you find the right person you will do the right things no matter what and they will see past your flaws and overlook some mistakes you make.

[TaraMaiden]

This should be a header for every ex- to read:

 

"Thinking of sending that letter/email?

 

Don't.

 

No matter what you say, justify, explain, contribute, respond to, the answer is, and always will be -

 

Don't send it. "

 

I guess it should be part of the No Contact Guide - next time I update, it will be there!! Promise!

[Lifegoezon]

Do. Not. Send. It.

 

She knows how you feel because you told her already and she still doesn't want you. She's not contacting you with a sweet 'goodbye, see you when I get back' message is she! She's planning her trip, moving on with her life without you. If she wants you when she gets back she will tell you. This letter won't make that any more likely. What it will do is make you seem pathetic and stuck in a groove, and makes her feel more special than she is. Your period of NC is really not long and you are still clutching at straws, looking for excuses to break it 'for a good reason'. It's not a good reason. Let her go and let what happens happen.

[Elle1975]

I honestly wouldn't. She knows how you feel.. If she really has feelings for you, let her sort them out, let her miss you.

 

I know very well what you have in mind, but just don't do it. Hell let her date somebody else, most likely it won't last. She needs to forget the negative and remember what she liked about you.

 

In the meantime work on yourself, go on dates, etc... If you just stay the way you are, even if she comes back, she will leave again.

[Beebob38]

Thanks everyone. I guess I won't send it. I'll keep trying to move on. But like I said, it's tough.

 

I've been reading this forum a lot, and it's helped me out quite a bit. But does every breakup really need to be treated the same, regardless of the situation and relationship dynamics? Does it make a difference if the dumper dumped because the dumpee was clingy or she didn't find him attractice as opposed to (like my scenario) because the dumper felt neglected and thought the dumpee wasn't doing enough for the situation? Also differences regarding the type of people involved? I just don't like it when things are painted with a broad stroke.

 

I'm talking about in case of either one, or the dumpee in this scenario, seeking reconciliation (which maybe that should never be how it is). It just seems like the two situations would require two different actions.

 

I'm not saying no NC. I've found that to be crucial to my healing process. I feel so much better than I did a month ago. Yet, I feel like I should proceed differently if I want to get back given the reasons for our breakup and knowing how she is.

 

Again, thanks for the input. Everyone here knows their stuff -- not doubting that. I just like to hear people's reasoning.

[Beebob38]

Oh.....and she just texted me......not sure if I am going to reply or not. Definitely not for a few hours.

[TaraMaiden]

Every single break up is different, but they're all the same in one regard:

 

USUALLY there's a dumper and a dumpee.

Occasionally, the 'decision is mutual' but there is always an instigator.

 

A broken heart, is a broken heart, no matter what the cause, origin or lead-up.

 

And the best - only - way to move past that is to adopt the NC Guide.

 

The only person who can seek a reconciliation, is the one who broke it off in the first place.

 

It's like you breaking your wrist - only you can mend it (even if a doctor applies a plaster cast, you still have to do the healing).

 

And NC is not a way of getting them back.

It's a way of getting YOU to a place of well-being, so that if THEY want you back at some point, you're a better, wiser more experienced person.

 

And you may not then want them back, anyway.

[Beebob38]

Yeah, I understand all of that, especially about NC. Which is why I think, if anything at all, there COULD be a period post NC when both parties are healed and have moved on where reconciliation is possible. This is the period, it seems to me, where things could be treated differently.

 

I've tried my very best to not hope for a reconciliation. And a lot of days I don't think about and act like it's not going to happen. I just have other days like his.

 

Also, biggest irony: the author who wrote the book I gave her last time died yesterday, and that's why she texted me.

[sooshi]

If you're still having any doubts about sending this letter: don't send it.

 

I agree with others. She already knows about how you feel. You don't need to reiterate anything. You don't need to justify anything. Sending it is only going to push her further away, because it's clear that on some level you're seeking/hoping for reconciliation. Saying all of these nice things and sending her one of your favourite books is your way of trying to show her how great you are for her/how much you care for her. But she doesn't want to be with you. If she did, she'd reach out to you.

 

Let her go. I know it's hard. If she ever wants to reconcile with you, she'll contact you and let you know. Otherwise, work on your insecurities and self-esteem. Focus on you and on your healing, not on her.

[Beebob38]

Great, thanks beebob.

 

Everyday I accept it's over a little more. I have a gut feeling she's going to come back to me, knowing how she is and stuff, and that's the toughest thing to ignore. All of our mutual friends tell me the same, which only makes it worse.

[ConfusedHumanBeing]

Great, thanks beebob.

 

Everyday I accept it's over a little more. I have a gut feeling she's going to come back to me, knowing how she is and stuff, and that's the toughest thing to ignore. All of our mutual friends tell me the same, which only makes it worse.

 

Better learn to drop that false hope because its just that....false. It will only delay you movng on.

[jackny123]

Do not send the letter.

 

I've done this in the past - more than once.

 

I'll be loud and clear: It DOES NOT MAKE YOU FEEL ANY BETTER OR INCREASE YOUR CHANCES IN ANY WAY OF GETTING SOMEONE BACK.

 

At worst: it will give the dumper an ego boost or make them feel better about themselves. They'll show you letter to their friends or talk about it over drinks.

 

At best: your ex will contact you and nothing will change. they'll just acknowledge they got the letter. you'll feel no better than you did before, in fact, you'll be mad at yourself for breaking NC.

 

Moral of the story: DO.NOT.DO.IT.

[Beebob38]

I have a bit of an update regarding my situation. I feel better, but two things have thrown me off. I've gone on NC for the most part except everyonce in a while I get the angst to check her social media, and I do.

 

I found out she went on a date with a professional model guy that goes to her school. This was last weekend. And of course it killed me. I'm pretty much operating under the assumption that there's no way she doesn't fall for this guy -- he seems pretty aggressive in going after her.

 

And second of all, her mom messaged me saying: hang in there, she needs to do some soul searching, and kick ass in the meantime. Also told me how impressive all I've accomplished was, and how she needs to take this time to build confidence.

 

I'm not really sure what to make of this latter part. From what I've gathered, my ex has been missing me a good bit since I went NC. Why would her mom message me, though? It's only served to string me back along after I had been progressing in moving along. Would she say this just off her gut or did my ex tell her something? It actually sucks she did that without saying anything conclusive.

[FredJones80]

I found out she went on a date with a professional model guy that goes to her school.

 

From what I've gathered, my ex has been missing me a good bit since I went NC.

 

Yep, Sounds like it.

[Beebob38]

Yep, Sounds like it.

 

I don't think the 2 things can be mutually exclusive. I know what you're saying, though.

[Beebob38]

Love yourself first. Stop checking your Exes Social Media sites and causing yourself pain.

 

Go read the G.I.G.S. thread at the top of the break up forum, it will explain everything and answer a lot of your questions.

 

I'm not really sure my situation applies to GIGS?

[Beebob38]

I don't think the 2 things can be mutually exclusive. I know what you're saying, though.

 

And I say this because I hung out with a girl the other day, too. It didn't mean anything, though -- just me trying to think about something other than my ex.

[Beebob38]

Let's take a look...

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

70% of the Break Forum is 20 something guys who were with a girl that is also 20 something. They all heard the same sort of crap from their Exes too.

 

As much as you want to believe that your Ex and your relationship is "different", "special", "unique" you will see what happened to you play out over and over and over and over and over and over again with new posters (or the previous 40,000+ posts) and it's pretty much all the same.

 

20 something girl who comes into her own and goes to college, job, starts career. Get's A LOT of male attention, spends time with other 20 something females, friends, etc. Other early 20 something guys, Mid to late 20 something guys (sometimes in their 30s or older) have lots of things to offer 20 something hottie can't get from 20 something old boyfriend who is broke, in school, trying to find his way in the world, etc.

 

20 something hottie starts to question if she is making the right choice, smothered by being in committed relationship, has not had a chance to date around, finally has her freedom from mommy and daddy, has lots of attention, has lots of exciting offers from other 20 something guys who are new or mid to late 20 something guys who have a career, money, confidence, experience, etc. that current 20 something bf doesn't. Then you add in all the peer pressure, lifestyle, hormones, etc. on top of all that.

 

You starting to get the point? It's G.I.G.S.

 

 

Eh I think you're oversimplifying the situation based on the limited info I gave. She was already in college for a year once we got into our LDR -- she's already experienced the freedom of college, she's experienced the attention, she was already a naive freshman, etc. She's had the opportunity to date around. She was willing to forego all of that for me. And I told her from the get-go that I never wanted to limit her and she always said she didn't care, she wanted to be with me. And she's the type of girl that prefers to be in a relationship. I never smothered her. I was never the jealous type, or had trouble trusting her. She never went out any less because of me. That wasn't the issue.

 

And as far as meeting other possible more successful guys...well I dunno about that. This sounds really douchey, and I'm sure it is...but I'm at an Ivy League set to intern on Wall Street this summer. I'm doing really well in school, and professionally I have my **** together as well as a 20-year old can have it. She goes to an okay school, and she always complained about the quality of males there and how she was so glad I didn't go there or fit the typecast of the guys there. And unfortunately, she was always insecure about keeping me and me meeting someone else.

 

Our issue was one of neglect -- I got way into my schoolwork, obsessively so. I didn't give her the attention she deserved. I took her for granted, and I didn't treat her well at times. I hurt her pretty bad right before she broke up with me.

 

As far as the model guy, she met him 2 weeks after we broke up through a mutual friend. Lucky me. So it wasn't the case of her meeting him beforehand and then breaking up.

 

I know it's easy to typecast it into GIGS, but knowing her and our relationship, I'm fairly confident that is not the case.

 

EDIT: I'm in a hurry, so my apologies if I oversimplied your response as well. =P

Edited May 7, 2014 by Beebob38

[FredJones80]

You starting to get the point? It's G.I.G.S.

 

Lets coin a new phrase? ... GIGS-Denial.