Virgin26 Posted April 17, 2014 Share Posted April 17, 2014 It's been 4 months after the breakup and I miss my ex like crazy. I have been in No Contact for almost 3 months, and I increasingly miss him instead of forgetting him. I always wonder what he's doing and who he's meeting. I miss him so so so much, I miss hanging out with him, I miss cuddling with him, I miss his smile. I can't stop crying and the urge to reach out is stronger than ever. Weekends are the hardest, and even when I'm hanging out with friends, I keep wondering what he's doing. I still want him back. I would do anything to have him back in my arms again. Why does he not want to be with me? what the f*** is wrong with me?? He just left saying he needs space (and no it wasn't because of someone else). I am trying to keep myself busy, but I keep thinking of him all the time. Is this normal? what should I do? I am going crazy!! I just want my normal life back. I don't want this pain to last forever. It's been months, and I'm suffering even more than when the breakup happened. :(:(:( Link to post Share on other sites
sooshi Posted April 17, 2014 Share Posted April 17, 2014 (edited) It's good that you're doing NC, but the self-blaming is at least part of what is hindering your recovery. It wasn't your fault. He wasn't as invested in the relationship as you were, and to keep the relationship going when he didn't want to put forth the effort would have hurt you even more. Based on what you said in your post, I don't think you miss him as much as you may think. I think that you long for him moreso because you feel like you did something wrong, or that you weren't "good enough" for him, etc. But that's not true! As you now see, people come and go. It's hard sometimes, and painful, but that's the cycle of life. We all go through it in some way. <3 It's okay that you miss him. I miss my ex-fiance too, and I'm sure many of us miss our former partner(s) to some extent. But I encourage you to work on your own healing by focusing on your self-esteem. Do things that make you happy. Find your voice and your heart again, both of which are within you. Learn to love yourself and be happy with being with you! Edited April 17, 2014 by sooshi Link to post Share on other sites
realfriends Posted April 17, 2014 Share Posted April 17, 2014 Just know that what you are going through is normal. It normal to miss someone who was very important in your life. It takes time to heal. You will never forget them but eventually it won't consume your days. Take it one day at a time. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Trovador Posted April 17, 2014 Share Posted April 17, 2014 Believe me, you would be suffering more if the relationship had gone on. Somehow I suspect you have not been in full NC. Is that right? The human being is so resilient that can adapt to almost any change. Of course, it doesn't come easy, especially with matters concerning the heart. But it's possible to live without someone, especially when he/she asked for it. Respect his wishes. I mean, giving him space with spirit, the same way you would have liked it were things the other way around. Don't obsess with the obsession. While keeping strict NC, go with the flow. You still love him, so be it... let it be and let it go... don't let the shadow of your ex dark your vision and blind you to the fine stuff in life... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Virgin26 Posted April 17, 2014 Author Share Posted April 17, 2014 Believe me, you would be suffering more if the relationship had gone on. Somehow I suspect you have not been in full NC. Is that right? The human being is so resilient that can adapt to almost any change. Of course, it doesn't come easy, especially with matters concerning the heart. But it's possible to live without someone, especially when he/she asked for it. Respect his wishes. I mean, giving him space with spirit, the same way you would have liked it were things the other way around. Don't obsess with the obsession. While keeping strict NC, go with the flow. You still love him, so be it... let it be and let it go... don't let the shadow of your ex dark your vision and blind you to the fine stuff in life... I have him blocked everywhere, and I haven't seen him or talked to him in months. But deep down, I wish everyday that he'd come back, that he'd tell me that he needs me in his life like I need him. The fact that I have no idea why he left is killing me. Of course, he told me that this had nothing to do with me and that he just needed to be alone for now. But that generally means that there was something seriously wrong. I don't know how to move on, and at this point, I don't know if I'll ever be able to forget this man Link to post Share on other sites
Author Virgin26 Posted April 17, 2014 Author Share Posted April 17, 2014 I think that you long for him moreso because you feel like you did something wrong, or that you weren't "good enough" for him, etc. Obviously, I wasn't good enough for him, and he thought he can do much better. Otherwise, he won't let me go with no real explanation. This man prefers to be alone than be with me!!! Why? why? why? I can't take these questions out of my mind, but at the same time, my pride is preventing me from asking him and investigating more!! It hurts so much that he meant the world to me and I wasn't able to make him happy. I just want to now what I did wrong. At least I will know what NOT to do in the future! Link to post Share on other sites
sooshi Posted April 17, 2014 Share Posted April 17, 2014 You could be the most loving, the most giving, the most generous, and the kindest partner in the world and your partner could still choose to leave. It's not because you did anything wrong. A lot of times, someone's feelings change. My guess is that's what happened wit him. It doesn't mean you did anything wrong though! You're being very hard on yourself, and I hope you'll be able to be kinder to yourself. I believe that this is the reason why your healing is hindered. Even if he told you why the relationship ended (he might not even know why himself), you will likely be left with more questions (probably ones that he doesn't have the answers to). You're learning now that closure needs to come from within, from yourself. Be kind to yourself and it will come. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Strength in Healing Posted April 17, 2014 Share Posted April 17, 2014 Eh you're being neurotic about it, no offense intended. If this is how you always were, though, perhaps you were a bit too intense. I for one appreciate the energy. I think you can find someone better who appreciates your energy. You will go through this phase. Eventually it gets easier and you get far, far stronger... Link to post Share on other sites
Trovador Posted April 17, 2014 Share Posted April 17, 2014 It wasn't your fault nor your call. Something I learned early in life is that we aren't entitled to anything. Life owes us nothing. Some times we feel we are happy, sometimes we feel we are not. We are alive all the time, though, and that means there are still hopes and chances and dreams... Get out of the past. It doesn't matter why he left you. It doesn't matter because deep inside we know what the reason was. There was no love anymore. That's your reason. Nobody can fight against that. Love is not a war to fight in anyway. Nobody knows how to move on, honestly. We just want and we just do, trying to find a bit of peace in the tumultuous hours of the day... and most times we find it... 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Strength in Healing Posted April 17, 2014 Share Posted April 17, 2014 if you're the perfect person, kind, sweet, generous, the whole package. How can anyone leave someone like that? :/ I would wager a bit of a dark side was missing. Link to post Share on other sites
sooshi Posted April 17, 2014 Share Posted April 17, 2014 Ah, it looks like we have people here who lack in self-esteem (I'm including myself in this). You did everything you could, and you were the best person you could be, and you gave it your all. I think that's what a partner would want. I wouldn't say that it wasn't "enough" for your ex, but that it just wasn't right. I agree with Trovador that the reason is simply there was no love (anymore). It doesn't mean that you go and stop being sweet, kind, gentle, etc. because you did all of that and it didn't work--they just didn't appreciate it as much as one someone else will. I know it hurts when you're you and they're not into you being the awesome you that you are. It's saddening that we're so hard on ourselves when this happens. Reclaim the power that we've handed over to someone else. You're awesome just the way you are. Don't let one person (out of over 7 BILLION) bring you down! You lived, you were happy, you sang and dance before you even knew of their existence. You can do it again! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Strength in Healing Posted April 17, 2014 Share Posted April 17, 2014 Yeah, you're right about that... unfortunately that's what people are attracted to these days... dark sides bring out qualities in a person which are generally attractive because it stirs up excitement.. that's why when you see an angel vs the devil and they were females/male whatever. The dark side is always "hotter" Yeah, I used to be overly kind. Then I got hurt again and again. Now I still retain the kind essence, but have a dark side too. It is more exciting for me, so I can understand why gf's etc would find it more attractive too. Lol. You'll get there once you heal brother... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Virgin26 Posted April 17, 2014 Author Share Posted April 17, 2014 I don't know if you gave it your all or tried your best. But I did, that's probably why I'm beating myself up about it because I did everything I could, I was the best person I could be and she still left. I gave it my all and it wasn't enough for her. I was my very best in this relationship, I was very careful not to repeat my mistakes from past relationships. I wasn't needy or clingy, I helped him when he needed me, we had great times together, I was a good listener and very attentive to his need, and he told me I was the best thing that ever happened to him all the time. It's very hard to not self-blame in these cases. When you give your best to someone you love deeply and they reject it But like sooshi mentioned, the love just vanished and there is nothing we can do. It's taking too long though to move on and I just miss him so much. He never ever tried to contact me or ask a friend how I'm doing. It's like I never existed in his life. And honestly, his indifference is keeping me in No Contact. As far as he knows, I am very indifferent as well. Unfortunately, the truth is totally different though. I'm embracing the "fake it till you make it" strategy, but it isn't working so far! Link to post Share on other sites
Trovador Posted April 17, 2014 Share Posted April 17, 2014 All is fine and dandy but this topic is about Virgin 26 fellas... Link to post Share on other sites
sooshi Posted April 17, 2014 Share Posted April 17, 2014 I get what SIH is saying. For us really kind people, I think we just have to be more assertive (I know that the people here have taught me that, and have helped me become more assertive). 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Virgin26 Posted April 17, 2014 Author Share Posted April 17, 2014 I get what SIH is saying. For us really kind people, I think we just have to be more assertive (I know that the people here have taught me that, and have helped me become more assertive). I am currently reading a book called "why men love b*tches", and I swear that book talks about me. I did everything for this guy, and it looks like I've done too much. I was there for him all the time, I learned how to cook because he liked home-cooked meals, I gave him messages after work when I had terrible days, I gave him his space when he wasn't in the mood to hangout, etc. After you do all of that for someone, they throw you like you're a doormat. Maybe this was the reason, maybe I need to get b*tchier and put myself first. No one appreciates unselfish behavior anymore. Link to post Share on other sites
sooshi Posted April 17, 2014 Share Posted April 17, 2014 You probably were a doormat. I don't say this as an insult, and that after I spent time reflecting (and also with the input of others), I've become fully aware that I was a doormat myself. I would say to practice being more assertive. Putting yourself first sometimes. Making sure that YOU are truly content, and making your relationship with yourself the most important relationship to you. I know it's hard to do when you've constantly put someone else/others first, but it'll get easier with practice. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
WhiteTan Posted April 17, 2014 Share Posted April 17, 2014 How long were you together? Were there any signs of him losing interest? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Virgin26 Posted May 2, 2014 Author Share Posted May 2, 2014 (edited) The temptation is so strong! I can't resist it anymore. I just really really miss my ex. He's on my mind 24/7. As time passes, I feel that I miss him more and more. I haven't talked to him or seen him in about 3 months (It's been about 5 months after the breakup). I have tried everything I could to get over him, I spend hours at the gym trying to forget, I go out with my friends, I work hard everyday. I have even tried to date other people, and I feel no attraction to anyone else. He's always there. Everyone told me that I should have been over him already and everyone around me just got sick of hearing about it. Everyone says that I can do better, and that I'll meet someone else. So every day, I put on a show that I'm okay, that I'm over him. I smile, make jokes, and socialize with friends. But inside, I'm suffering every minute of the day, I feel empty, I feel like I'm losing my mind, I don't know why he left me (no he didn't leave for someone else). The thought of being with someone else disgusts me to the core. I just want to hear his voice so badly. I want to talk to him and tell him how much it hurts to be away from him. I don't know what I'll gain from calling him, I just know that I need to do it. I don't even know what I will say exactly. I just really miss him. We used to be so close, best friends, now we're strangers, and I can't strand it anymore. Is this pain going to vanish someday? am I doomed to live like this forever? It's been months, why isn't it getting any better? Why am I still in love with him? Please help me!! I haven't stopped crying for days now!! Edited May 2, 2014 by Virgin26 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Simon Phoenix Posted May 2, 2014 Share Posted May 2, 2014 The 2-3 month time is hard, because that's when you fully realize that it's over. What you are feeling is completely normal and if you resist the urge to contact or check up on him on social media you'll make it past this bump in the road. But if you do contact him, it will be so much worse. The best thing for you to do is weather the storm. Cry, scream, post on here, vent as much as you can -- just not to him. You will get past this and when you do, things will be better. Just stay the course. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
ahthepain Posted May 2, 2014 Share Posted May 2, 2014 I really feel for you. If he was really worth it would he be putting you through this much hurt? Wouldn't he care about you? Try to contact you? I don't know you but I can tell you deserve better because any one who gave up on someone who cared about them doesn't deserve you. I hope you feel better soon and I know you will Link to post Share on other sites
Author Virgin26 Posted May 2, 2014 Author Share Posted May 2, 2014 The 2-3 month time is hard, because that's when you fully realize that it's over. What you are feeling is completely normal and if you resist the urge to contact or check up on him on social media you'll make it past this bump in the road. But if you do contact him, it will be so much worse. The best thing for you to do is weather the storm. Cry, scream, post on here, vent as much as you can -- just not to him. You will get past this and when you do, things will be better. Just stay the course. I hope you're right, because what I'm going through right ow is just unbearable. I haven't broken no contact so far and I gave my phone to my brother and asked him not to give it back. I also had him change my facebook, skype, and all other social media passwords and not give them back until I can think clearly again. It feels pathetic that I have no self-control right now. I know I shouldn't feel this way, but I just miss him and love him. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Virgin26 Posted May 2, 2014 Author Share Posted May 2, 2014 I really feel for you. If he was really worth it would he be putting you through this much hurt? Wouldn't he care about you? Try to contact you? I don't know you but I can tell you deserve better because any one who gave up on someone who cared about them doesn't deserve you. I hope you feel better soon and I know you will Thank you so much. My ex contacted me a few times after the breakup but I asked him to stay away and respect my wish to heal and move on. Part of me still wishes he would contact me and tell me he wants me back. I don't think my ex hurt me, as he didn't cheat or manipulate. It's mostly self-inflicted pain that I just can't stop. No contact was the only thing I knew how to do, and I'm giving up on that as well Link to post Share on other sites
RDawg Posted May 2, 2014 Share Posted May 2, 2014 You know there's no point but I'm going to play devils advocate here and say do it. Reach out to him and spill your guts. Sounds like you will be met with a wall of indifference. Which might give you the resolve you need to move forward. I have been no contact for almost 6 months. I'm too scared to reach out. My ex scares the crap out of me. Nothing as scary as someone you still love who kicked you to the curb. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Virgin26 Posted May 2, 2014 Author Share Posted May 2, 2014 You know there's no point but I'm going to play devils advocate here and say do it. Reach out to him and spill your guts. Sounds like you will be met with a wall of indifference. Which might give you the resolve you need to move forward. I have been no contact for almost 6 months. I'm too scared to reach out. My ex scares the crap out of me. Nothing as scary as someone you still love who kicked you to the curb. that's what my friend told me. But what if he's not indifferent? I know my ex very well, he's so emotional and non-confrontational. He''l find excuses, he'll tell me that he cares about me and I was the best thing that happened to him, he'll tell me that this is about him and he needs to be alone blah blah. An then he'll probably start to cry (like he always does). What kills me is that while knowing that I'll accomplish nothing by talking to him, the temptation of calling him is just unbearable Link to post Share on other sites
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