NC broke and confused as ever

[bojangles]

Hey All - Thought I would post my story on the off chance it could make someone else feel a little better that their misery has company. And maybe it'll help make me feel slightly better as I try to rationalize everything through my ramblings. I've had several relationships in the past (me being dumper as well as dumpee) but this one is the very first one where I can say that I know what true heartache feels like.

 

I am 30 and she is 23. We met through work. She was an intern still going to University with about 1-2 years remaining. I had just gotten out of a 4+ year relationship 5 months prior and she got out of a 2+ year relationship 1 month prior. We talked during our first "date" and discussed that we maybe were each other's rebounds but decided to see how it went anyways. Everything progressed really fast. We hung out all the time and the good feeling was mutual. I had never gone 6 months in the past that went this well with my exes. Everything was so easygoing. About 2 months in, she said the "I love you" to which I also reciprocated. It was everything I had wanted in a relationship and she seemed to be into me just as much.

 

We dated for almost 6 months. She broke up with me a week ago on Friday evening. Before she was about to leave for home from my place, she opened with "hey can I ask you something?" ...I knew where this was going. She asked me how serious I was and I told her that I had developed strong feelings for her and I am in it to see how far it can go. I saw her eyes start to tear up.

 

The next 15-30 mins was kind of a blur. She was going off about school, stress, not wanting to hurt her family and friends. She said something about not wanting her grandpa to move away. She said she loves me but not sure if she's in love with me to know or see a future together since she can't even see her own future. I asked her what she wanted and told her not to be concerned with I wanted. I was going to hurt either way. She said she did not know and just did not want to move from that moment. We were still cuddling at that point. I eventually got up and a few moments after she said "I guess I better get going now". As we were proceeding to the door, we embraced in one last hug that seemed to last forever where she just started to cry. I eventually started crying too but managed to get myself together and pushed her off me. After she put her shoes on, she leaned in to kiss me on the cheek but I turned away. I went back to my room and just curled up in bed fell asleep for about an hour. I had a graveyard shift that night as well.

 

I sent her a message during my shift after asking to see if there was anything I can do or improve on to help prevent the next person from falling out of love with me. The following messages were exchanged over the next 2 days:

 

Her - I can never express how sorry I am that I hurt you. I never wanted to do that, I hate hurting the people I care about. I was hurt when you turned away but its unfair of me to be and I understand why you didnt want that last kiss. You made me happier than I've been in a long time and it was nothing that you did that caused any of this. I know that you said you didnt want to hear it but I said it at the beginning of our relationship too. You are a catch, you have everything that spells out happily ever after. Ive been berating myself and questioning myself why I felt like there was a piece missing. I think there is just something wrong with me. And maybe youre right, maybe we did get into this a little too fast and thats why i felt that way. All i know is that i fell for you hard and fast and then instead of it growing and blossoming i just became more and more confused and felt more and more guilty and thinking there was something wrong with me for not feeling right. When i saw that we werent even friends on facebook anymore i was so hurt and then i immediately told myself that i had no right to be since i was the one to end it and maybe you need that time away to heal and stop being angry. But it still hurt. I have no right to say it but i already miss you and im still wishing that i knew what is wrong with me that i felt like there was something missing. Any girl would be lucky to have you but that doesnt mean that i dont wish that girl was me, i wish i knew what was wrong so i could fix it, but i dont even know where to start. I hope that one day you can forgive me for everything thats happened, but i understand if we cant be friends for awhile or maybe ever

.

My Response: I wasn't going to respond but I feel that you need to know that I do not hate you. I am not angry at you. I am just hurting knowing that I can't be with you and need to adjust to that. I still care about you immensely. There is nothing wrong with you. You're just being honest with yourself even though the feelings don't make sense. I took you off my facebook for my own sake so I wouldn't drive myself mad going through your profile. I would rather hear from you in the future instead of knowing about your life without interacting with you. I would be lying if I said we could be friends right now but I need to work on me for a while. I need to get to a point where I can think as another person I love, not someone I'm in love with. If you ever reach a state in your life, mind and heart where you are curious about "us" again, don't hesitate to see where I'm at. I will never shut you out of my life. I just need time.

 

I have been no contact for about 5 days now and keep trying to remind myself that I will move on. The emotions seem to come in waves but it is getting easier. I can’t find a reason to hate her especially if she is not hiding something. A part of me wants to believe her ex or another person has entered her life in order to find some sort of justification. If anyone can relate or have any input or want to share a similar tale, please do so, I have been on LS all day reading and knowing i'm not alone at least provides some comfort. Has anyone had a similar experience where she ends up getting back in touch?

Edited April 12, 2014 by bojangles

[Brutus]

Dear Bojangles, sorry you are going through this. The behavior of my ex was somehow similar (saying that she does not know why but she feels something broke inside her). I told my story here: https://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/470281-medium-distance-brake-up-can-t-nor-want-get-over-her.

 

I know the waves of feelings, and the desperate search of a justification (is there another guy? is it the distance? is it the stress? does she need space? is it my fault?). Trying to find out the reasons is often an exhausting and useless exercise. I know you want to understand why, why the most precious thing in your life is gone, but chances are, that she herself does not know why.

 

I have been NC for 2 weeks, after she asked me whether we can talk sometimes and I declined, telling her that I cannot be her friend as it would be too painful for me. She will respect this and not contact me anymore I assume.

Trust me, although it hurts and you miss her, it is better if she never gets back in touch rather than contacting you and giving you the hope that it could work again or, even worse, showing to you how perfectly fine she is without you. It would bring you back to square one. What you need to do now is to redesign your life without her. Do not try to find out what she's up to. It is very difficult because you will be haunted for a while by thoughts about what she may be doing now, with whom she may be, or images from the past beautiful moments you had together. It has been 1.5 months since our breakup, and i still wake up every day with her in my mind. Make changes, be independent, her actions are outside of your control now. The only thing you can control is yourself. So do it.

[bojangles]

Thanks for the encouraging words. I know exactly how you feel about lingering feelings and still loving the other person still even though they put us in a world of hurt. If everything she told me was genuine without an alterior motive, I can't hate her and can even understand what it was like going through school at the age of 23 and still figuring out parts of life. It may be just that we were both at different points in our lives. I am grateful for the fact that she showed me what a healthy relationship should feel like and help me better understand what it is I am seeking for in a woman. With each day it gets a little easier but I'm not ready to completely let go yet. I haven't had the urge to make contact at all and I hope it continues this way. She still works at my office for another month but thankfully i'm on another floor. Hopefully we (as well as the many others in our situation) can look back at our experience as fond memories once we've moved on. Keep up your NC. You sound like a good person. All we need is time and the rest will fall into place (at least that's what I have to keep telling myself).

[Brutus]

All we need is time and the rest will fall into place (at least that's what I have to keep telling myself).

 

Time and hard work. Yes, that's what I repeat to myself as well.

[Jay77098]

Bojangles: You are not alone, my friend. I am going through the same thing, with an ex-GF whom I adored. She didn't have the same depth of feelings for me and wanted to see other guys so she pushed me away and I broke off the relationship. That was six weeks ago, and I still go to bed thinking of her and I wake up thinking of her. This is a little slice of hell, and it hurts immensely, and I can't wait for this period of my life to pass. I have started dating again, and the simple distraction of having other women who want to spend time with me is a huge help. I know that I am not yet ready to jump into another relationship, so I am moving very slowly and taking things very casually with the women that I am now dating.

 

Hang in there, keep up the NC if you can. It's incredibly hard to do, but in my case, I have come to the painful realization that she is completely done with our relationship, has moved on and doesn't think about me any more. So any energy spent thinking about her is a lost cause and doesn't help me. It doesn't keep me from thinking of her, but I know in time that those painful feelings will fade away.

[bojangles]

Glad to hear you're on the road to recovery Jay. You sound like you've at least come to terms with everything that has transpired. I am nowhere near ready to start dating again but looking forward to it at the same time. I'm introverted so it's hard for me to meet girls sometimes.

 

Any alerts or texts that go through my phone for the past week, I keep hoping it's her that's messaging but it never is. I know I must let go but forcing it doesn't seem to help. There are moments of clarity where I think "ok, this is ok, this isn't bad" and then suddenly a wave of emotion hits out of nowhere.

 

Has your ex tried to contact you any? Have you come close to breaking the NC? I almost ran into my ex during work this week but managed to dodge it. She's the best girlfriend I've had up to date and even though I'm devastated right now, I am glad she's influenced me positively in ways she might not know/see. I still respect her as a human being if she was being honest with everything she said. This was my most painful breakup but she's the first ex who I don't hate or despise afterwards. Am I crazy for thinking this? And no, I am not putting her on a pedestal. I just think I lost a good one so there's hope that other good ones are out there that will jive better with me. I know all this doesn't matter but it's just what's running through my brain right now.

[Jay77098]

Bojangles: All the things that you are thinking/feeling are totally normal. I am now 6 weeks past the BU, and I still hope for an email from her, and I still hope that any text messages that hit my phone might be from her. All of this knowing with 100% certainty that SHE IS DONE with the relationship, that it didn't matter to her the same way it mattered to me. She is NEVER going to contact me and I know it.

 

This is all part of human nature. You want the things that you love, and you don't want to admit that they are gone (or in my case...that they were never there in the first place). Don't feel bad for wishing those things, but also don't delude yourself that some miraculous reunion is in the works. Just go find something positive to do for yourself. In my case, I decided to get back in the gym and start working out hard. I can already see the changes in my body, and it is doing wonders for my attitude. If you are introverted, you might think about a similar approach. You will be amazed at the increase in your confidence when you are totally fit. Women will look at you differently, I promise you, and it will do wonders for your confidence.

[Breadimus]

Women they are just so incredible. In every way. You should be very proud of yourself Bojangles. Unfortunately you probably have had your heart broken before, which though you know this will pass, it does not make it any better. Early 20s for anyone is difficult especially if you do my know who you are truly as a person.

 

To be fair I don't think this one has a lot to do with who you are as a man. But a lot to do with where she is with her life. It takes a lot of patience, love and respect for any one to have a healthy relationship and doubley so when you are going through that early to mid 20s. Most of the members here seem to be in their early 20s coming to terms with that loss of innocence replaced by a wealth of experience.I too look for that text, even now, but I do not expect it. Look to the joys you have had, would you trade them

in not to experience this pain? I don't think so.

[bojangles]

Well yesterday I ran into my ex at work briefly, and it was not as bad as I thought it would be. Just exchanged hellos. This was forced due to work reasons so I didn't count that as breaking NC.

 

She seemed more like just another person. I've been wanting to hit the gym after work. So I get up feeling good and realized she sometimes goes to the gym as well. I decide to message her via work email to ask her what days she goes to the gym so that I can go on off days to not create an awkward situation for both parties. Plain, simple, neutral. I was expecting just a list of days. What I got in response was questions back, but she texted me instead of doing it through email.

 

She has basically told me how rough the past 2 weeks were for her and hurt me and she thinks she screwed up my breaking up with me and so forth. All the stuff that I thought I would want to hear but didn't plan on hearing. Now that I've heard it I don't know what to do? It was actually kind of overwhelming. I kept my composure and was aloof. I still really really care about this girl. She said she felt pressured by about being able to reciprocate the love I was showing her and how I was the reason she got over her ex. She was worried about screwing that up and became confused. I thought I'd break down and crawl back right away at the drop of the hat. I do want to be with her but at the same time, it's only been 2 weeks for her she's not thinking straight neither?

[mtnbiker3000]

I don't see where she says she wants you back. Made a mistake. Wants to try again. Please forgive her. Etc...

 

Breadcrumbs for her benefit. She wants to know where you're at. That's all. Nothing for your benefit...

 

Ignore...

[Mr.Pine]

She has basically told me how rough the past 2 weeks were for her and hurt me and she thinks she screwed up my breaking up with me and so forth.

 

Before I delve into the meat and potatoes of the situation, let me first tell you that breaking NC to obtain a list of days your ex works out at the gym so you can avoid her is beyond ridiculous. Don't be a beta tool. Just go to that damn gym, rep out like a mofo, and not worry WHO shows up. Actually, I would only worry if Dino Bravo showed up. That dude died like 20 years ago. Something about some black market cigarette sales in Montreal, but I digress...

 

She told you how rough the past two weeks were for HER. She didn't ask how YOU were. She thinks SHE screwed up by the break up. Nothing about screwing YOU up. And the most important factor is, she did not ask for the two of you to reconcile.

 

For the love of matzah and unleavened bread, stay NC and go to the gym and try to retrieve your nutsack if at all possible. I think it's too late. Or that could just be the Manishevitz talking.

[Strength in Healing]

That alpha and beta **** has to go.

[Simon Phoenix]

Yeah, her message to you was completely selfish, about how she feels bad, all about her. Nothing there indicates that she wants to get back with you. She was looking for you to say "aww, it's ok, I'm doing all right". And while I'm not getting into the alpha/beta stuff, breaking No Contact to get gym times was pretty weak. Just go and if you see her, then keep going at different times until you don't see her.

[Mr.Pine]

That alpha and beta **** has to go.

 

You seem to have some really strong feelings about my choice of nouns and verbs. Why so agro?

[bojangles]

Thanks for all the feedback. I'm here for advice and support just like everyone else. She did ask about me and tried to pry but I kept my responses as neutral and short as possible. I eventually got a set of messages declaring that she wanted to get back together and hopes she's sorry for the pain she's caused. I've not responded and just taking it all in strides. I don't regret breaking the NC but I was not expecting this kind of response. My past relationships I never cared about what the person thought or even keeping things civil.

[barefoot99]

Hey, I think I can understand how you feel right now. Deep down you probably do want to get back with this girl but as you've had to live with the hurt for 2 weeks now, there's a reluctant part of you that is saying 'hold on, you've got through the initial wave of pain, you're doing alright now... do you really want to go through that again? How do you know you can trust her?' etc... correct me if I'm totally wrong lol

 

I think it's ok and normal to feel like that. You want to tell her you still care about her and want to try again, but that would be opening up your heart to her again.. and that opens the possibility of her stamping all over it again and you're left with picking up the pieces and moving on.. again.

 

The thing is, you need to decide if you think what you two had is worth that risk. You need to decide if she is worth that risk. Every time we open our heart to someone, we run that risk anyway. Sure there are ways we can help ourselves be 'prepared' somewhat, but the difference for you now is that you know this girl HAS hurt you before, so why wouldn't she do it again kinda thing.

 

I don't like telling people what to do because we're all different and every situation is unique etc, but I personally think you should give her another chance.. but perhaps take it slow for your sake for now. If she is worth it, she will accept and understand that you're going to be a bit hesitant to begin with. She needs to win your trust back I guess. No harm in telling her that you do want to try again too but you aren't sure if you should trust her.. perhaps even ask her how you know you can trust her again? It kinda gives her a chance to step up and prove she is trustworthy. I know that if I was in her situation and I really loved/cared for the guy, if he just communicated with me about how he still cared but was scared I'd hurt him again, I would 100% make sure I proved that he could. But hey I don't know this girl so again, don't be too influenced by what I'm saying as only you can truly judge!

 

Sorry to ramble. Just my opinion anyway

[TaraMaiden]

Thanks for all the feedback. I'm here for advice and support just like everyone else. She did ask about me and tried to pry but I kept my responses as neutral and short as possible. I eventually got a set of messages declaring that she wanted to get back together and hopes she's sorry for the pain she's caused. I've not responded and just taking it all in strides. I don't regret breaking the NC but I was not expecting this kind of response. My past relationships I never cared about what the person thought or even keeping things civil.

 

Read the No Contact Guide in my signature, to get the low-down on how to handle this situation to your comfort and advantage....

[bojangles]

barefoot99: I appreciate your input. You've summed up a lot of what's going through my mind. It's been keeping me up because I had prepped my mind so much on never seeing her again that I was starting to feel better about everything that happened. Then this happens and it's got my mind going in circles again but not in a bad way. Based on everything that's happened, I feel I would regret not giving it another shot. Heartache is a part of the risk whether it's with her or someone new.

 

However, I do want to make sure the reason she wants to reconcile is because she genuinely cares about me and really thinks we have a shot at something, not due to boredom, grieving process, or ego stroke, etc. She seemed sincere with everything she's said but actions speak louder than words. Slow and steady as you said.

[Simon Phoenix]

I mean, has anything really changed in two weeks? I'd be pretty skeptical if I were you. What is different now than two weeks ago?

[bojangles]

I really don't know if anything really has changed Simon. I weighed out everything from past experiences to this one, and the circumstances around it. She is the first girl who I can confidently say changed my life for the better despite breaking up with me. My previous exes, I can give a rats a$$ about. My gut is telling me that i'd rather get hurt again, over regretting not having tried again. But I want and need to be cautious.

[Simon Phoenix]

I really don't know if anything really has changed Simon. I weighed out everything from past experiences to this one, and the circumstances around it. She is the first girl who I can confidently say changed my life for the better despite breaking up with me. My previous exes, I can give a rats a$$ about. My gut is telling me that i'd rather get hurt again, over regretting not having tried again. But I want and need to be cautious.

 

I mean, that's something you have to ask her if you should choose to have that conversation and that's something that I would demand she answer completely before even considering to take her back. On one hand, I get what your "gut" is saying, and it's natural. But you also have to let her know that her impulse break -up is unacceptable. You can't enable her behavior. I would definitely ask her exactly why she broke up with you (I'm guessing she hasn't given you a straight, honest answer) and ask her what her reaction would be if the same situation arose.

 

And next time, don't break No Contact. The fact that she wouldn't "come clean" on her own is problematic as well.