so he blocked me.. friends advising NC..

[barefoot99]

Sorry to start a topic that I'm sure has been done to death on here but I am just hurting so much I don't know what to do...

 

I will cut this long story as short as I can but basically I got to know this guy (we hit it off amazingly from day 1) and we were in a pretty emotional/intense relationship for about 3 months.. we had a few arguments here and there but I never doubted that he wanted to be with me

 

Around Christmas/NY time, I'd fallen hard for him. Around this time he started to pull away slightly. I knew he'd fallen in love with me long before this point although neither of us had told each other. I confronted him about his 'distancing' act and although I didn't tell him I'd fallen in love with him, I'd said that I'd become quite 'attached', and he reassured me, so I felt he still wanted to be together..

 

However, in the week or 2 following this discussion, he was still being distant/more distant, and it was really hurting. I made the decision to block him on whatsapp (an instant messaging app for those of you that don't know!) and I explained my reasons. I don't want to bore you all with details but his life is complicated and there are other reasons that led me to this decision, not just that he was pulling away. He apologised for how much he'd hurt me but that was it. He accepted the block and didn't try to get me back. I'm not saying I was playing a game and used blocking as a tool, but I was taken aback at how he just accepted it. I guess it supports the idea that he didn't want to be with me anymore?

 

Anyway, I unblocked him 10 days later as I really missed him and decided that despite what we'd been through, I was willing to let it go and try again if he wanted to too.. he was quite responsive and although he didn't return to his usual self with me (i.e. initiating contact throughout the day/asking to see me/etc), I just thought it's ok he needs time, I had blocked him after all.. He'd still said some sweet things though like texting to say he was thinking about me, which was promising as it showed he still cared? The distancing started again though, and was much worse than before.

 

When I tried to dig deeper into the distancing, it was near impossible to get him to talk to me. Eventually we talked and admitted that we had fallen for each other.. he said he still had feelings for me and that when I'd blocked him he thought 'ok if you don't want to see me, fine then' and then went off and started chatting/sleeping with other women. When I asked him if he knew why I'd blocked him he said 'yes I was being a prick'... I don't understand how I'm meant to take that? So he admits that he knows I'd blocked him because of how he had been treating me (at the time of blocking him I was honestly going out of my mind) but instead of fighting for me he just went and slept with other women..?

 

Within the following month or so after this 'talk', I saw him once. It was nice. We laughed, talked, etc. Then he hinted that seeing me made things 'harder' as he enjoyed it 'too much'. In this month he also kept saying that he can't give me what I want/I deserve someone better.

 

We then had a little dispute because I asked to see him one time and he was making excuses. Perhaps I was acting a bit childish but I was really missing him, I dunno.. anyway he blocked me after that. I texted him/rang him.. no reply. He then texted me that night to say that I was 'freaking' him out and to leave him alone. That hurt. I apologised for 'freaking' him out and that I didn't mean to, that I was just afraid of losing him.. I probably lost a lot of dignity/self-respect points in the eyes of many because I also said please don't tell me to leave you alone. He replied to that and said 'just leave me alone for a bit, you can text me tomorrow if you want'.

 

Anyway, I did text the next day. He didn't respond so I emailed him that night as I thought maybe he had blocked my number completely and wasn't receiving my texts.

 

This was all 2 weeks ago now. I haven't heard a thing from him since the night he blocked me and said 'leave me alone for a bit you can text me tomorrow'.

 

I know that after the way he blocked me, a lot of you will think that I acted crazy/desperate by texting/emailing the next day.. but I just see it as a normal response to have when someone you truly love and care about does something like that? No airs and graces when it comes to those you love n all that I guess.. anyway, I have respected his wishes since then and have not contacted him. At least I *think* I'm respecting his wishes?

 

I don't know what I'm asking really.. maybe you have some pearls of wisdom from your own experiences to share? Any advice? I intend on continuing NC, not for the sake of 'NC' but because I don't see what else I can say... I really want him to come back and contact me - he hasn't given me any hope that he will nor has he outright said to me 'this is over'.. or has he told me it IS over and I'm just not getting it? Normally when you break up with someone, both parties are clear on that being the case?!

 

I guess I'm hoping that he just needs time/space, but isn't 2 weeks a long time? I don't know I'm just so sad and I feel like most days I'm just living a weird dream. I have great friends that have been there for me thankfully and I'm so grateful for that, and I have had moments of strength, don't get me wrong.. but there have been a lot of tears and horrible low mood (I'm normally a very chirpy happy person too) and I just don't know what to do. Do I keep silent and just accept that if it's meant to be fate will bring us together/he will contact me? Or am I meant to 'fight' for this? Is the ball fully in his court?

 

So sorry for how long this is, I guess I've reached a low point. I wish I could just go to sleep and wake up at the 'end' of this and I'm back to normal, whether it's with him or not. I just want life to unravel and take me where it's trying to lead me.

Edited April 15, 2014 by barefoot99

[iDrumKing]

Just to be clear this was a LDR, right?

[barefoot99]

Just to be clear this was a LDR, right?

 

Not really.. we live in the same city but I was put in a city about 20/30 mins away for a some time. For various other reasons we couldn't see each other often, but we'd have lunch at work when I was in the same city a fair bit.. but a lot of our contact was via text/whatsapp, yeah. Why do you ask ?

[iDrumKing]

Not really.. we live in the same city but I was put in a city about 20/30 mins away for a some time. For various other reasons we couldn't see each other often, but we'd have lunch at work when I was in the same city a fair bit.. but a lot of our contact was via text/whatsapp, yeah. Why do you ask ?

 

Just asking because at first it sounded as though this was all media based and you mentioned that you only met once.

 

But it's possible that he lost interest.

[barefoot99]

Just asking because at first it sounded as though this was all media based and you mentioned that you only met once.

 

But it's possible that he lost interest.

 

Oh I see, yeah a huge amount of our contact has been via text/whatsapp, we've seen each other a few times outside work, but not that often. Definitely not on a weekly basis even.

 

Admittedly, I struggle with the idea that he just lost interest.. why did he tell me he still had feelings for me? I don't believe in living in denial and convincing yourself of something that is far from truth even if the truth hurts.. so I don't want to come across as though I'm just not accepting he may have lost interest, but it just doesn't sit right with me. My gut feeling tells me it's not that.

 

Any ideas on the whole NC thing though? I'm following logic and logic tells me to not contact him. Surely if he wants to be in my life, he knows what to do? He'll make sure? I'm just scared sometimes that in not contacting him I'm letting him forget about me or that he's thinking 'oh she's given up, there's no point in trying with her anymore then'.....

[pickflicker]

Ok, so he'd been distant. Just let it happen. Until he says "I've met someone else/I don't want to date you anymore", there's no reason to block him. He might have just been taking some space, but then behaviour like blocking/unblocking, is going to make him pull away even more.

 

You can't badger him to talk to you. If you've established a connection, you can send a polite message, if there's no answer, just leave it.

 

Texting and calling all day is perhaps a very "reasonable" (ie instinctive) response, but unfortunately, not the right one. You both played games, you by just blocking him when he got distant, and him pulling the distance move a few times.

 

In any case, he's blocked you, so this one is probably unsalvageable for now. I'd leave it and move on.

[KaliLove]

Oh I see, yeah a huge amount of our contact has been via text/whatsapp, we've seen each other a few times outside work, but not that often. Definitely not on a weekly basis even.

 

Admittedly, I struggle with the idea that he just lost interest.. why did he tell me he still had feelings for me? I don't believe in living in denial and convincing yourself of something that is far from truth even if the truth hurts.. so I don't want to come across as though I'm just not accepting he may have lost interest, but it just doesn't sit right with me. My gut feeling tells me it's not that.

 

Any ideas on the whole NC thing though? I'm following logic and logic tells me to not contact him. Surely if he wants to be in my life, he knows what to do? He'll make sure? I'm just scared sometimes that in not contacting him I'm letting him forget about me or that he's thinking 'oh she's given up, there's no point in trying with her anymore then'.....

 

If he has lost feelings for you, then he hasn't told you simply because he's a coward.

 

You say your gut tells you it's not that. So what does your gut tell you it is?

 

My gut tells me there's someone else.

[pickflicker]

If he has lost feelings for you, then he hasn't told you simply because he's a coward.

 

You say your gut tells you it's not that. So what does your gut tell you it is?

 

My gut tells me there's someone else.

 

You've got to trust that gut. It's rarely wrong...

[KaliLove]

You've got to trust that gut. It's rarely wrong...

 

That's directed towards the OP right?

[pickflicker]

That's directed towards the OP right?

 

Well, everyone, really.

[Simon Phoenix]

Sounds like you blocked to elicit a reaction and that reaction was a further loss of interest in a situation where he might have been losing it anyway. This seems pretty unsalvageable and no, the fact that he hasn't formally told you "it's over" does not mean that it's still active. That means he'd rather pull the fade then confront you. That sucks, but your passive-aggressive blocking attempt to try to create interest wasn't much better.

 

I'd listen to your friends, chalk this up as a lesson learned and not repeat history with the next guy.

[barefoot99]

Thanks guys... that stuff is really hard to read and accept I miss him so much and I keep thinking if I miss him this much, how is it possible that he doesn't feel the same? It just seems crazy and unfair.

 

I already know there are other women because he told me he is chatting/sleeping with them/etc.. I don't know if there is 'someone else' in that one of these women took precedence or whatever, but when I asked him if he was gonna get serious about any of them or in love with any of them, he quite vehemently said 'no' (to the latter question) and regarding seriousness he said 'probably not, you never know but most likely not'. This was all at the time he told me he still had feelings for me/few weeks later. I don't know. This is such a headache.

[barefoot99]

Sounds like you blocked to elicit a reaction and that reaction was a further loss of interest in a situation where he might have been losing it anyway. This seems pretty unsalvageable and no, the fact that he hasn't formally told you "it's over" does not mean that it's still active. That means he'd rather pull the fade then confront you. That sucks, but your passive-aggressive blocking attempt to try to create interest wasn't much better.

 

I'd listen to your friends, chalk this up as a lesson learned and not repeat history with the next guy.

 

I blocked him because he'd been really hurting me around this period. There are a few things I didn't explain but it wasn't just him pulling away. The pulling away thing is what was finally the cherry on top I guess. I remember I had been trying to study for exams at the time and him/our situation had been having such a negative psychological impact on me for so long I could not think about anything else or concentrate, etc. I genuinely blocked him because I thought I was doing the right thing in that I felt perhaps I should move on and save myself from a crazy road to slow heartbreak.... but then when he was so passive about it, it just took me aback is all. I didn't realise I was expecting more of a reaction from him until I didn't get one, if you know what I mean? I didn't do it to GET a reaction though.... I did it for genuine reasons.

 

Although he has admitted he knows why I did it, I have still apologised numerous times for doing it and explained why...... he was still saying sweet things to me (if I know him as well as I think I do, he wouldn't say these things unless he meant them) after I'd unblocked and apologised.. but a couple of times he'd also said things like 'you deserve better than me' and 'I really don't want to hurt you again it makes me feel like ****'. I'm just so confused by him a lot of the time to be honest.

[barefoot99]

Ok, so he'd been distant. Just let it happen. Until he says "I've met someone else/I don't want to date you anymore", there's no reason to block him. He might have just been taking some space, but then behaviour like blocking/unblocking, is going to make him pull away even more.

 

You can't badger him to talk to you. If you've established a connection, you can send a polite message, if there's no answer, just leave it.

 

Texting and calling all day is perhaps a very "reasonable" (ie instinctive) response, but unfortunately, not the right one. You both played games, you by just blocking him when he got distant, and him pulling the distance move a few times.

 

In any case, he's blocked you, so this one is probably unsalvageable for now. I'd leave it and move on.

 

Thanks Just really hard to accept but that's why I've been keeping nc... obviously mainly to respect his wishes as if it was up to me we would be back to how we were and I wouldn't be blocked! But in respecting his wishes to leave him alone, I have been forced to have some thinking time myself and begin moving on I guess... Also re: trusting your gut - very true

[barefoot99]

If he has lost feelings for you, then he hasn't told you simply because he's a coward.

 

You say your gut tells you it's not that. So what does your gut tell you it is?

 

My gut tells me there's someone else.

 

My gut tells me he still has feelings for me and not just because he told me, I just 'know' if that makes sense.. my gut tells me he wants to be with me but can't (as I said, his life is fairly complicated), and that for whatever personal reasons he blocked me, he's also blocked me/kept me blocked because he thinks it's the right thing to do by me as he can't give me what I want. Yes that should deter me and I should just put him past me and work on myself and hope to meet someone else some day that can and will give me what I need... but I hate how it's just all on his terms, he calls the shots and I just sit back and vomit emotions on the ride that he conveniently doesn't get to see/acknowledge.

 

I know he could be pulling a fade out thing, and if that's what this turns out to be then I imagine I will accept that he was not the right one for me and that'd be ok. Another possible outcome is that he just needs thinking time (i.e. 'just leave me alone for a bit' ?). I won't lie and say that I'm not hoping for outcome 2, but being forced to acknowledge the first possibility has forced me to start the moving on process too.. it's really weird because you start moving on to get you through the pain and there are moments you genuinely feel like you are detaching, but also still enough feeling/hope in you that you still wish they'll contact you.. but the combination of the two possibilities don't agree with each other at all. If I fully move on and he contacts me cos he just needed time to think, it'll be too late.. I guess with all the feelings for him that I hold now, I don't like the thought of that, but hey.

[pickflicker]

Thanks Just really hard to accept but that's why I've been keeping nc... obviously mainly to respect his wishes as if it was up to me we would be back to how we were and I wouldn't be blocked! But in respecting his wishes to leave him alone, I have been forced to have some thinking time myself and begin moving on I guess... Also re: trusting your gut - very true

 

It's ok. I completely understand, it's very hard to "go with the flow" when you're right into it. I laugh sometimes, when I look at how my brother and I give advice. We think exactly alike when it comes to things, and we both know what the other is going to say - but he still rings me when he needs some advice, and vice versa. We both know what the other person is going to say, and what is the right thing to do, but sometimes, you just need to hear someone say it to you.

 

Next time, if he's being a bit wishy-washy, remember the best reaction is no reaction. Until he does something to piss you off. Then go hell for leather.

[Simon Phoenix]

I blocked him because he'd been really hurting me around this period. There are a few things I didn't explain but it wasn't just him pulling away. The pulling away thing is what was finally the cherry on top I guess. I remember I had been trying to study for exams at the time and him/our situation had been having such a negative psychological impact on me for so long I could not think about anything else or concentrate, etc. I genuinely blocked him because I thought I was doing the right thing in that I felt perhaps I should move on and save myself from a crazy road to slow heartbreak.... but then when he was so passive about it, it just took me aback is all. I didn't realise I was expecting more of a reaction from him until I didn't get one, if you know what I mean? I didn't do it to GET a reaction though.... I did it for genuine reasons.

 

Although he has admitted he knows why I did it, I have still apologised numerous times for doing it and explained why...... he was still saying sweet things to me (if I know him as well as I think I do, he wouldn't say these things unless he meant them) after I'd unblocked and apologised.. but a couple of times he'd also said things like 'you deserve better than me' and 'I really don't want to hurt you again it makes me feel like ****'. I'm just so confused by him a lot of the time to be honest.

 

Whether it was "genuine" or not, it was still passive-aggressive as hell. If you have a problem with the person, you talk to them, you don't block them. And honestly, he doesn't sound like he's interested at all -- sounds like he's being nice, or just keeping you around for a safety net/FWB situation. I'd stop concentrating on what he says and concentrate on what he does. Honestly, the only confusion is you confusing yourself out of a desire to be with him. You are doing all sorts of mental gymnastics to try to create a scenario where he's really into you. If he was really into you, the gymnastics would be necessary.

 

My advice stands -- listen to your friends, go NC and learn from this whole thing. I'm not blaming you for why it died (sounds like it would have on its own power anyway even if you didn't do the blocking thing), but just want you to learn from it so you don't repeat history.

[Simon Phoenix]

My gut tells me he still has feelings for me and not just because he told me, I just 'know' if that makes sense.. my gut tells me he wants to be with me but can't (as I said, his life is fairly complicated), and that for whatever personal reasons he blocked me, he's also blocked me/kept me blocked because he thinks it's the right thing to do by me as he can't give me what I want. Yes that should deter me and I should just put him past me and work on myself and hope to meet someone else some day that can and will give me what I need... but I hate how it's just all on his terms, he calls the shots and I just sit back and vomit emotions on the ride that he conveniently doesn't get to see/acknowledge.

 

I know he could be pulling a fade out thing, and if that's what this turns out to be then I imagine I will accept that he was not the right one for me and that'd be ok. Another possible outcome is that he just needs thinking time (i.e. 'just leave me alone for a bit' ?). I won't lie and say that I'm not hoping for outcome 2, but being forced to acknowledge the first possibility has forced me to start the moving on process too.. it's really weird because you start moving on to get you through the pain and there are moments you genuinely feel like you are detaching, but also still enough feeling/hope in you that you still wish they'll contact you.. but the combination of the two possibilities don't agree with each other at all. If I fully move on and he contacts me cos he just needed time to think, it'll be too late.. I guess with all the feelings for him that I hold now, I don't like the thought of that, but hey.

 

Be honest, is your gut really saying that, or is that what you want your gut to tell you? I think we sometimes lie to ourselves to create hope.

[pickflicker]

Be honest, is your gut really saying that, or is that what you want your gut to tell you? I think we sometimes lie to ourselves to create hope.

 

Most of the time, my gut tells me "food goes in here".

 

Ok, being serious - look, the blocking, I would take as a pretty serious "if you contact me again I'm going to kick you in the face" gesture. I don't take blocking lightly. I do it only if necessary (either harassment reasons, or I block certain people I work with because I keep FB & work separate). If he's blocked you, take it seriously.

 

Or maybe I'm the odd one. Perhaps blocking/unblocking is fairly common on FB when 2 people are having a disagreement.

[barefoot99]

Whether it was "genuine" or not, it was still passive-aggressive as hell. If you have a problem with the person, you talk to them, you don't block them. And honestly, he doesn't sound like he's interested at all -- sounds like he's being nice, or just keeping you around for a safety net/FWB situation. I'd stop concentrating on what he says and concentrate on what he does. Honestly, the only confusion is you confusing yourself out of a desire to be with him. You are doing all sorts of mental gymnastics to try to create a scenario where he's really into you. If he was really into you, the gymnastics would be necessary.

 

My advice stands -- listen to your friends, go NC and learn from this whole thing. I'm not blaming you for why it died (sounds like it would have on its own power anyway even if you didn't do the blocking thing), but just want you to learn from it so you don't repeat history.

 

I did talk to him.. many many times! Trust me when I say that. But you're right, it was probably standing on dying legs anyway.. blocking him should not have deterred him if he truly wanted me in his life. It didn't deter me when he blocked me.

 

I'll stick with NC, thank you for your advice. I think what I've learnt from this experience so far is to not give someone so many chances in future. I did it with him because I loved him so much but I shouldn't have abandoned my head. That's what this whole thing has taught me lol, pretty cynical eh.

[TaraMaiden]

No, not cynical.

Self-protective.

When you bare your heart to someone, it's worth looking at what they're holding, lest you get stabbed, rather than hugged.

 

With his record and attitude, it's not hard to see exactly what his motives were.

 

Self-serving.

[barefoot99]

Be honest, is your gut really saying that, or is that what you want your gut to tell you? I think we sometimes lie to ourselves to create hope.

 

I completely know what you're saying but I'm really not the type of person that likes to live in denial. I always like to know the truth if I can, even if it hurts. I'd rather get through painful truth than kid myself, because I'd know deep down I was kidding myself and I just don't like that.. but that is what my gut is telling me. He did say numerous times in the last 2 months since I unblocked him that he can't give me what I want, but he loves being with me, and that he hates that I'm hurting about the whole situation and it's not fair on me, etc. He's pretty honest to me about things generally. He told me about the other women he's sleeping with.. obviously any normal person would know that's something that could really hurt, he didn't have to tell me that.. just trying to show you that he doesn't bull****.

 

At risk of sounding super cheesy, I just feel lost without him. I really do feel that I've been living a weird dream. It's such a strong feeling/near reality to me that I can't help but think surely he is feeling it too? Surely he will get back in touch?

 

But I'm not holding out too much hope for that to happen.

[barefoot99]

Most of the time, my gut tells me "food goes in here".

 

Ok, being serious - look, the blocking, I would take as a pretty serious "if you contact me again I'm going to kick you in the face" gesture. I don't take blocking lightly. I do it only if necessary (either harassment reasons, or I block certain people I work with because I keep FB & work separate). If he's blocked you, take it seriously.

 

Or maybe I'm the odd one. Perhaps blocking/unblocking is fairly common on FB when 2 people are having a disagreement.

 

When I blocked him it was 'look you're hurting me too much, I can't take this anymore.. I've tried talking about it with you, but I see no changes and you aren't exactly giving me much hope.. I need to move on' but with that just comes an unsaid knowing of 'if you really want to be with me, I will happily give you another chance if you show me'. That's how I reacted when he blocked me! I didn't even have to think about it. I realised he'd blocked me and I immediately tried to talk it through because the thought of losing him petrified me.

 

I am taking it seriously now though because he didn't reply to my text/email the next day.. I don't know if he's expecting me to 'try harder'.. and if I knew that's what he is expecting, I would gladly do it. But it's too much thinking for me and trying to work out what he wants. I feel it's unfair, especially as I've always been very clear cut with him.

 

I think it's best I leave it and if he ever comes back, take it as it comes. Otherwise just get on with life.

[barefoot99]

No, not cynical.

Self-protective.

When you bare your heart to someone, it's worth looking at what they're holding, lest you get stabbed, rather than hugged.

 

With his record and attitude, it's not hard to see exactly what his motives were.

 

Self-serving.

 

Yeah I used to look at people that said cynical things like that and think 'nah I'd never be like that' but I can see it's alright being on this side to be honest. At least for now, whilst I 'heal'. For the right guy, I would give everything though.

[Simon Phoenix]

I completely know what you're saying but I'm really not the type of person that likes to live in denial. I always like to know the truth if I can, even if it hurts. I'd rather get through painful truth than kid myself, because I'd know deep down I was kidding myself and I just don't like that.. but that is what my gut is telling me. He did say numerous times in the last 2 months since I unblocked him that he can't give me what I want, but he loves being with me, and that he hates that I'm hurting about the whole situation and it's not fair on me, etc. He's pretty honest to me about things generally. He told me about the other women he's sleeping with.. obviously any normal person would know that's something that could really hurt, he didn't have to tell me that.. just trying to show you that he doesn't bull****.

 

At risk of sounding super cheesy, I just feel lost without him. I really do feel that I've been living a weird dream. It's such a strong feeling/near reality to me that I can't help but think surely he is feeling it too? Surely he will get back in touch?

 

But I'm not holding out too much hope for that to happen.

 

The fact that you are holding out hope even though he blocked you makes me think your radar is a bit off in this situation. People don't just block randomly. I have to say, with no offense meant, that this sounds pretty delusional. I really don't see any hope here. At best, you seem to be a backup plan for hooking up. I'm sorry, I just don't see it from what you've written, and you are definitely trying to create that narrative.

 

I know this comes off as harsh, but people don't just block people for whatever reason, especially men on Facebook. It's either out of hurt or annoyance, and I'm thinking it's way more of the latter than the former.

Edited April 16, 2014 by Simon Phoenix