Long Distance Relationship Breakup Emotional Cheating And About

[steve5678]

2 minutes ago #1

I recently broke up with my girlfriend of 2 years and im very confused about what to do and feel. I'm 25 and she is 20. This was her first relationship and my first time I was truly in love with someone deeply. Just for backstory, she had physically cheated on me when she was drunk and it was borderline rape what the kid did to her. We broke up before I found this out and she came back to me and I found out by looking on her facebook that she had cheated on me and didnt think she could date me if she had allowed this guy to force herself on her. She asked for my forgiveness and I gave it to her. We were very happy up until recently... I'll try to keep this as short as possible but I'm really hurting from it. We have been broken up for about three weeks.

 

My ex and I were dating for 2 years, 1.5 of that was in a long distance relationship where we could only see each other 1 or 2 every couple of months ranging from being together for a week to 4 days. It would have to be this way for another 2 years because of my job and her being in school. we were very happy together and we loved each other very much. she told me this constantly I told her the same. she wrote to me how no time, space or any other person could come in the way of our love and that i was the most amazing guy in her life and that she looked forward to a promising future together.

A few weeks after our 2 year anniversary, i noticed she was in a photo with another guy and i asked about the guy. she was a friend's friend that came up with them to go skiing and so she spent the weekend with him and a few others. she said he was cute but she didnt think anything of him. she started acting distant and i asked her about the relationship and she started to cry saying she was confused and wasnt sure she loved me as much as she thought she did. i eventually got out of her that she found this kid attractive and that she liked him but was very confused about the situation. I told her if she had feelings for him that the right thing to do was to stop talking to him otherwise it was only going to progress. She said she still wanted to talk to him and hang out with him and I said I told her that we were going to breakup because of it... she started crying and telling me no and we proceeded to talk for about 3 hours where I was crying telling her how much she meant to me and that I loved her and how could she be doing this after all she said and after all of our history. I was heartbroken and hurt... eventually we decided not to breakup on skype since I was coming home in a few weeks... I did the wrong thing and more or less tried persuading her to stay with me by texting and writing to her alot. She felt more strong about breaking up because she was confused, didn't think the timing would work out, that I was too committed (we talked about marriage and whatnot), and her family/work situation was too stressful. Eventually we stopped talking for about a week and then I came home. I too felt that we should probably breakup because the distance and time was too long and if this kid didnt come along now, it was going to eventually happen because she's in college, young, and it's her first relationship.

 

 

I came home and felt like she was hiding the extent of what she did with this kid to me. I did the wrong thing and looked through her phone. I saw her texts that she had with her friends basically saying that she liked this kid but was confused saying she didnt think she loved me as much as she thought she did. That this kid was fun and she liked hanging out with him. That he also came onto her quickly saying he was absolutely in love with her and that it sucked that she had a boyfriend because she thinks they are perfect but wouldn't want to be homewrecker(ya right). I saw a text screenshot that she sent her friend between her and this guy basically asking him if he meant everything he said saying that he has really screwed with her head and that he doesnt think she can hang out with him if he was no serious about the stuff that he was saying. She said she really thinks she likes him but can't throw her relationship of two years away if this is just a game to him... in which he proceeded to say he was happy she brought this up and that he was very serious. she responded saying she is still confused that she likes him and wants to get to know him more and how i told her if she continued to talk to him that I would break up with her but she still wanted to. she said that it was hard because she knows I love her and that being with her is the safer option. but after this weekend with him she knows she doesnt love me as much as she thought she did. The rest of her messages were from the weeks leading up to me being there where she hung out with him again and was overly concerned about what he thought about her and how she liked him and was asking questions to her friend about whether he really was this great guy... it absolutely killed me reading those messages.

 

We had a good weekend together. We had one fight when I asked her why she was feeling the way she felt in which she brought up my commitment factor and how she didn't think she loved me as much... I had already read the messages so I was subtly trying to get her to confess what she had done with this kid. I felt like she had emotionally cheated on me and I was very hurt from it. The very last day she broke out crying in my car saying that she loved me alot but was very confused. She said she did love me more than she thought she did but she couldn't deal with only seeing me once every few months. That it was too painful to miss me and only be able to physically hold each other those few times. I understood the pain and her reasoning. She's young, immature when it comes to this stuff, and she doesn't know what she wants right now. We both felt positive that in time when we could be together that she needed some breathing room.

Right before leaving I told her about reading the messages and that I could not believe that she could do that after being in a committed relationship of two years. That she could play into this kids emotions to see if they had a future... she got very defensive about me looking through her phone and I just stopped pushing it because she wanted to leave on a positive note. I left and went home.

 

A few days later I broke our no contact and sent her an email which I told her to read on facebook because it finally hit me how hurt I was about what she did with guy while we were going out. I basically told her that I had deceived myself into not thinking about what she did with this kid because I wanted us to have a future. I told her that what she did with this guy behind my back was wrong and hurtful. I said she should have done the right thing by either breaking up with me or telling this guy to wait two weeks until she could sort out her emotions and talk to me before basically trying to start a relationship with him while we were going out. I said that she either did not respect me enough to do what was right or was immature or did not have the moral mindset to know that she was emotionally cheating. I said I was upset that she was not the person I thought she was and that I hoped one day she would realize the extent of the pain she had brought to the guy she said she loved and cared about for over two years.I had to tell her how I felt, I was absolutely destroyed inside that she would be capable of doing what she did. She responded saying she wish I did not send the letter and that she understood talking to him was wrong. But just because I looked through her phone doesn't mean I knew what was going on. She then said not to pretend like I didnt know the real her and that the distance and the unknown of the future was the reason for us separating. That I use to make her happy because I was always there but now shes sad because shes missing me all the time and that she can't have anymore stress in her life. That it wasn't neither our fault. She asked me not to be mean because I'm upset. I told her she was wrong for what she did and that there is no excuse for starting a relationship while you are in one. That she had a disregard for our relationship and she doesn't care as much as she says she did. She responded saying she understands what I'm saying but she has been honest and she does care and that if i wanted to end this relationship hating her to go ahead. that she felt sorry that I feel that way.

I talked to her once more on skype but she was very aggressive saying she does not intend on being in a relationship with this kid, she just realized that she can't keep doing the long distance relationship. I kept my cool, but she kept saying that it doesn't matter because she thinks I hate her. I reassured her numerous times that I didn't hate her and that I was just hurt from her actions. She was very upset and we ended the call. I wrote her one last message saying I still felt very hurt from it, and i still believed everything in my letter. We haven't talked since then.

A week has passed since I wrote and talked to her on skype. I'm very hurt from this whole ordeal. I feel betrayed, cheated, and confused. I do not want to be in a relationship with her again anytime soon and if it's long distance. It just would not work out. What kills me is I understand that something like this was bound to happen because of the distance, and that I would have been fine if we ended it because of these reasons. We both felt positive that there may be a future in it down the line because we both love each other but the circumstances weren't working out for us. I just can't get over how she still talked to this kid and talked to her friends about how much she liked him. I'm happy I told her how I felt, but now I feel like I ruined any chance of a possible future a few years down the line when I come home... that I may have pushed her over the edge by making her feel like I hate her. I sit wondering if she'll contact me again apologizing, or asking how everything is going. Every night I think of her and wonder how she is doing and if things are progressing with this new guy. I want to reach out to her and tell her I'm not mad and subtly let her know that I still want us to workout in 2 years if the chance arises.

 

Sorry for the long read. I'm intent on keeping to NC but I'm afraid that I dug into her that we are finished and that there is no chance of us being together because of her actions. I think that over time she will just accept that she can't have me back even though in the back of my mind I think we would be very happy together if the distance and time was not keeping us apart... Obviously I also have trust issues which havn't been an issue except for when we first broke up and this recent incident. I hate myself for looking through her stuff, but honestly it was the only way to figure out what was going on, because she would just go back to saying she is "confused". What should I do?

[steve5678]

Realized that the post is probably to long for someone to read. Here is the shortened version.

 

Short Version

 

I recently broke up with my girlfriend of 2 years and im very confused about what to do and feel. I'm 25 and she is 20. This was her first relationship and my first time I was truly in love with someone deeply. We were very happy up until recentlyWe have been broken up for about three weeks.

 

My ex and I were dating for 2 years, 1.5 of that was in a long distance relationship. It would have to be this way for another 2 years because of my job and her being in school. we were very happy together and we loved each other very much. she told me this constantly I told her the same.

A few weeks after our 2 year anniversary, i noticed she was in a photo with another guy and i asked about the guy. she started acting distant and i asked her about the relationship and she started to cry saying she was confused and wasnt sure she loved me as much as she thought she did. i eventually got out of her that she found this kid attractive and that she liked him but was very confused about the situation. I told her if she had feelings for him that the right thing to do was to stop talking to him otherwise it was only going to progress. She said she still wanted to talk to him and hang out with him and I said I told her that we were going to breakup because of it. I was heartbroken and hurt... eventually we decided not to breakup on skype since I was coming home in a few weeks... I did the wrong thing and more or less tried persuading her to stay with me by texting and writing to her alot. She felt more strong about breaking up because she was confused, didn't think the timing would work out, that I was too committed (we talked about marriage and whatnot), and her family/work situation was too stressful. Eventually we stopped talking for about a week and then I came home. I too felt that we should probably breakup because the distance and time was too long and if this kid didnt come along now, it was going to eventually happen because she's in college, young, and it's her first relationship.

 

Long story short... I went home and she told me that she loved me more than she thought she did after spending the weekend together but the distance was too painful. That she cannot wait a month just to be with me because she misses me too much and that it's too stressful. I felt the same and we decided to part ways even though I knew she was talking to a guy behind my back more or less seeing how serious this new guy was about liking her and telling him that she liked him also. After I came home and the sadness worn off, I wrote her a letter and sent it to her gmail telling her that after thinking it over I could not believe that she went to the extent that she did and talked to this kid behind my back. That she did not do the right thing and held off from being with him and seeing how serious he was about her. I understand that something like this was bound to happen because of the distance, and that I would have been fine if we ended it because of these reasons. I just can't get over how she still talked to this kid and talked to her friends about how much she liked him. I'm happy I told her how I felt, but now I feel like I ruined any chance of a possible future a few years down the line when I come home... that I may have pushed her over the edge by making her feel like I hate her. I sit wondering if she'll contact me again apologizing, or asking how everything is going. Every night I think of her and wonder how she is doing and if things are progressing with this new guy. I want to reach out to her and tell her I'm not mad and subtly let her know that I still want us to workout in 2 years if the chance arises.

Edited April 15, 2014 by steve5678

[sooshi]

Love transcends distance.

 

If she truly loved you, the distance wouldn't have mattered. If she truly loved you, she wouldn't have been confused about the situation and be emotionally involved with this guy without you knowing.

 

I know it hurts, but I hope it helps you move forward when you accept and process that she did not love you like you think she did (and like I'm sure she thinks she did). Love transcends all.

[redbaron005]

Love transcends distance.

 

True. However, relationships are conditional. If I ever fall in love again with a woman in a LDR I will pack up and move closer. I'm no expert but it appears most women value emotional security over financial security - something easier to provide when your physically close to them.

[steve5678]

At the time I wish I had the ability to move back and be with her. Now I don't feel that way, I have a great job and a great future. I thought that love transcends distance. I believe redbaron that girls need emotional security in order to maintain that love... I know how she feels being separated months at a time. She's in college, 20, and surrounded by guys... it was only a matter of time that someone new would pop into the picture to pique her interest because I'm not there.

 

I've come to terms that the distance, time, and maturity level ended the relationship. I believe I would have been ok with ending the relationship because of these factors. We sat down and she poured her heart telling me how much she loves and cares for me but cannot stand being away from me anymore. Leaving her I originally felt hopeful, because I knew this is what needed to happen if we were ever to be happy together in a relationship. It wasn't until a day later after that I realized the extent of her deceit that it hit me that what she did was wrong and that she wasn't the person who I thought she was (the person I thought she was would have told this guy to back off for a few weeks until I came home or she should have just broken up with me before going down that route).

 

I can't help but feel somewhat bad for making her think I hate her, possibly building resentment towards me... I hate thinking that that I may have ruined any chance of reconciliation by leaving her a message telling her how I felt about the emotional cheating. Maybe she will someday see the pain of what she did, whether or not she intended to start a relationship with this guy. I would like to think that the letter did more good than bad in the long run if we were to meet again.

[Brutus]

Hey man, I understand how you feel. My story is similar. You can read (part of) it in the threads I started.

 

Like you a LDR for 1.5 years, like you never loved someone like that, her sweet words, the “I never want to lose you” and then the starting acting distant and cold. Like you I started asking, being worried, scared and her answering vaguely about being “confused”, “apathetic”, “stressed”, etc. (I do not believe they were excuses though). Like you I wrote a long email to express my feelings, and explaining how much I was hurt. I also found out about another guy, I became jealous, which made things worse. It made me do your same, fatal mistake: check on her messages. She was angry at me when I found out he tried to kiss her, since because of me she had to “cut out of her life a person she liked.” Long story short, it was me the one she cut out of her life. I acted needy, angrily and cried, which only showed her how unbalanced the relationship was, with me being so committed and her not being anymore sure about her feelings. Like you I wrote her a resentful message when I noticed she had quickly moved on and already feeling “very happy.” When we met 1 month later, she said like your ex that it was because of the distance, not about this guy.

 

Now, lesson n. 1, we would have spared ourselves a lot of pain if we hadn’t checked their messages. There are things you’d better not know. Jealousy makes you a much worse person than you are, and then you will regret it. We both would have handled the situation much better if we hadn’t this burning thought of “the other guy” in our minds. I tell you, I could hack her FB profile and read all the conversations with this guy, while we were together and after. Would I find out the truth? Yes. Would this make me feel better? No. So I won’t.

 

Lesson n.2, distance is an obstacle but not the only reason. There was a guy close to her which she liked. You were distant, and she went for the easy option (as well as the new one). Had her feelings been firm and strong, she would have simply told him to leave. Distance becomes a problem when other factors come into play. They did, and you could not have stopped them.

 

Lesson n.3, in both our cases, the fear of losing the beloved person and jealousy made us act needy and in a despicable manner. You became vulnerable, and this tilted the balance in the relationship, as she felt a difference in the level of commitment. This is normal: the more you fear to lose her, the more you ask for confirmations, the more this pushes her away, especially if she is already unsure. Letters, crying, asking for explanations, sending long emails is always a bad idea. And yes, I did all of these things. This is not what an attractive partner does, right? I know you were sincere, and it shows that you cared, but if they have doubts, this only makes them think that their doubts are grounded.

 

What to do now? Heal, heal, heal. Follow the many suggestions given on this forum.

 

As for the email, if she is mature enough, she will understand that you were hurt when you wrote it and forgive you. If she is not, let’s hope she will be one day. I may be wrong, but somehow I believe it is reassuring for her to think you hate her, because it puts the blame on you rather than on her. It could be a self-defense mechanism (remember women are the most selfish creatures on earth). I would suggest NC, but if you really really feel like telling her you do not hate her, wait one week or 2, see if you still feel like reaching out and, if yes, write a short simple text (no phone calls, no skype) apologizing for having been resentful and tell her that the beautiful moments you had together could never be wiped out. But do this at your own risk. Do not expect an answer and, if it comes, do not write back and delete the message.

 

Be strong, bro.

[steve5678]

I read through your posts and your full story. Ya our stories are very similar. We took very similar paths. I've come to accept the fact that we cannot work out right now. I'm still hurting over losing her and that she was able to speak to the extent that she did with this other guy. I'm slowly getting over her but I still think about her periodically during the day. Sometimes I think how great we were and the great future we could have had. Then other times I get angry at her for allowing this other guy into her life and telling him that she likes him and whatnot. That she could be so cold and disregard a 2 year relationship for someone she had just met. I wish the closure was more than just saying she knows it was wrong to talk to him. I knew she would not fully appologize to me. When I talked to her one last time on Skype I was wishful in thinking she would give me closure but she was just overly defensive. I believe its because she knows she's wrong but either doesn't want to be seen as a bad person or because she's ashamed. I still believe that we may workout but only two years down the line and if I find it in myself to forgive her for acting so cold.

 

I place most of the blame on her maturity level and I know that she will be a different person in two years. Two years is a lot to ask from someone in college and only 20 years old. We thought we could make it because of our love for each other but obviously numerous things got in the way. My ideal situtation is to move on and live my life. I feel empty losing the person who I thought was my soulmate. I really enjoy my job and the friends I have. I hate thinking that I sabatoged the relationship with my actions. I think you're right about keeping total NC. I reiterated over and over that I do not hate her, that I am disappointed in her actions and that she was not the person I thought she was. I told her I deeply care for her and its only fair that I express my feelings so that I can have closure. I think a message would provoke a response and it would only make it look like I want her back when I have no intention of wanting her back anytime soon.

 

Maybe the time will make her see things in perspective if I choose to initiate contact a few years down the line if I'm interested. The fear is that I left her with resentment by making her think I hate her that will ultimately shape her feelings over time ruining any chance IF I'm still interested. Most likely I will get over her and realize that I do not want to be with her... I'm just worried about the long term effects if for some reason I want to see what she's up to. Maybe it doesn't matter either way. I would think that 2 years is enough to heal just about anything.

[Brutus]

I think she doesn’t want to be seen as a bad person, no one wants to. So she shifts the blame on you. Quite immature, I believe. Trust me, I know how hard it is to lose the person you believed was “the One”. Ever seen “500 days of Summer”? There is a black hole inside you and it will swallow you if you do not learn not to constantly look inside it. Move on with your life, and do not stick too much to hopes. They are better than despair but you do not have to give yourself illusions.

 

 

Do not blame yourself. She changed her feelings for you before you started behaving as you did, so most likely it would have happened anyway. You just saved yourself more days of pain.

 

 

Do not worry about the long term effects. If she cared about you she will forgive you and realize how much she hurt you. Time makes resentment fade away, so if you will ever meet again, this will not be an obstacle (sure there will be others though). But as for now, live your life.

[steve5678]

I wish I could get over her. I'm fine some days but other days I think about her. I tell myself I do not want to be with her and I know I truly do not right now. I can't help but check her facebook and twitter looking to see if she is moving on and if she is spending more time with this new guy. I know I shouldn't be looking so that I can get over her, but I keep trying to find signs about how she is feeling and if she could really just move on just like that. I saw her in a photo with him the other day and my heart just dropped. I then see that he's liking some of her stuff. I really wish I didn't care but I'm just that curious to see how things are progressing. I do not want to delete her. I figure the pain will stop if I tell myself to stop looking.

[lauri]

I've gone through something extremely similar.

 

My advise is to keep her cut out. She doesn't deserve you - in my opinion she isn't as interested and in love with you anymore.

 

Mistakes I made was trying to convince her to stay and be with me...the best thing to do is go NC and not even have closure. You need to realize she was lining someone up, kind of like my ex did, before she kicked you to the dirt.

 

If you maintain NC, don't show her any emotions and appear like you don't care, she will truly start to learn what she is losing. If you stick around, it will make her feel like what she did was okay and that she has you as a backup.

 

I promise you the spark with this guy wont last and it will only be a matter of time until she starts to question her decision if you maintain NC. Even if she does come running back, I would not take her back if I was you. She would really need to prove to you that she wants to make things work.

[Jiivy]

I held an LDR for 7 years (we loved together for the last year) and even got engaged. She moved back to her home country for 6 months and over that time fell in love with someone else...

 

You literally have no better option that to step away. I'm in the same limbo - will the spark die out with her new guy and end? Will she come back? Is this forever? I don't know. I do know that NC is my tool to getting any kind of peace within my own heart, for me.

 

You'll see over time, with DISTANCE that you can begin to objectively look at the relationship. The day you truly give way to that feeling of indifference. That's the cursed day I feel they'll come back

Edited April 23, 2014 by Jiivy

[Brutus]

I wish I could get over her. I'm fine some days but other days I think about her. I tell myself I do not want to be with her and I know I truly do not right now. I can't help but check her facebook and twitter looking to see if she is moving on and if she is spending more time with this new guy. I know I shouldn't be looking so that I can get over her, but I keep trying to find signs about how she is feeling and if she could really just move on just like that. I saw her in a photo with him the other day and my heart just dropped. I then see that he's liking some of her stuff. I really wish I didn't care but I'm just that curious to see how things are progressing. I do not want to delete her. I figure the pain will stop if I tell myself to stop looking.

 

Please, stop doing this to yourself. I did this for a while and the only result of it was me being more and more broken. You have to remove the occasions for you to run into information about her, which means removing her from FB, unfollow on twitter etc. If you don’t you will always be tempted to snoop and this will just keep hurting you. You are bleeding and you should concentrate on healing your wound now. NC means also avoiding passive contact such as social networks, and this is what you should do to feel a bit better. It will take time but if you do not stop this it will take much longer. Do yourself a favour and stop prolonging your agony.

[steve5678]

Thank you for the replies. Lauri that's exactly how I feel. I don't even know if I would take her back. It would have to be atleast two years(when I can come home if I choose to) for anything to happen. I know she's not interested now and I know she needs her space and to grow as an individual.

 

Jiivy - I intend on staying no contact. Even if she contacts me I do not believe I would respond. I'm intent on staying no contact.

 

Brutus - Deleting her from facebook for some reason is the hardest thing to do. I've been reading other posts about it and I'm getting mixed threads. I know I can't heal if I keep checking up on her. My dilemma is keeping it for communication in the future and also the added plus that she can see I am moving on with my life (even though when I'm not working or around friends she slips back into my mind). In reality she probably doesn't even care. She wanted to remain friends and told me how much she was going to miss talking to me but obviously I wasn't going to be able to talk to her when I told her we would do NC after the breakup.

 

I'm worried that if I close this last window I will destroy any possible chance of reconciliation(again if I want it). I'm also worried that shes going to see me as hateful, weak, bitter, immature or still hurt giving her more power and thinking less of me. Maybe it will send her a message and remove me from her life in which she will start missing me more because she cannot keep tabs on what I am doing. I read posts of mixed experiences of people regretting removing them as friends, and then others who were glad that they did.

 

I think that I can play around with the privacy settings so she no longer comes up on my feed, but like you said that temptation will always be there to check her FB. Maybe I can outlast that temptation and move on...

[steve5678]

She still has all of our photos up on Facebook (she even tagged me in a photo of us after we broke up from an event we attended the previous night). Her twitter account photo is still of us. Her best friend said before the breakup that she wants the best of both worlds. She is young and worried about commitment. I've read about the Grass is Greener on the other side syndrome and I'm sure she is feeling this. The fact that we were in a long distance relationship only made it easier to test the fields on an emotional level. She made a mistake which may have lost me but I think in time she will realize what she did. I can see why it happened because I'm just not there and she lacks the maturity for a committed long distance relationship. Whether or not I take her back is something I am unsure I will do. I just don't want to remove that option from the table, but I also want to move on from her so I can focus on myself and another relationship to see if she was the one.

 

I have not really tried to not check her FB or other social media accounts yet. It has just been a routine at this point to see if I can make sense of the situation.

Edited April 24, 2014 by steve5678

[Brutus]

I understand your concerns. I must admit it is exactly what crossed my mind when I was considering whether to remove her or not. Then she posted photos of her having fun and being happy, and that was too much for me, so I took the step to remove her. Yes, it is the hardest thing to do because you acknowledge what she has accepted long ago: that it is over. This is especially hard because I see (and it is totally normal) that you still have strong hopes to have her back. This is why you are so much worried about leaving a channel open or something.

 

Read again through your post. It is all about her, not about you. About how she will see you, about how she feels, about how she may or will behave in an undetermined future. This is the wrong attitude (but completely normal in the beginning), because you are over-analysing her behaviour, still being dependent on every small move she makes. This is bad, because it makes you paranoid and prevents you from healing. You have to focus on yourself now. She already did, you should do the same.

 

Probably you are right, your ex, like mine, was not ready to commit as much as you were, LDR made things harder and she felt like exploring the world on her own. If this is the case, then you have to realize that she will likely never be back and if she will it will be in a long time, and surely not if the distance remains. Sticking to these hopes is toxic and unfair to you. Yes, you WILL check her social networks if you do not remove her and this will set you back again and again.

 

So my suggestion is: take care of yourself and remove all the things that will prevent you from feeling better. A friendship on FB, if necessary, can always be asked again. You have to learn how to be a whole entity on yourself, because now you feel incomplete, I assume, and emotionally dependent. Only then you will be able to face an attempt of reconciliation without too many expectations and therefore without risking going back to square one.

 

As for the “one” idea, see: There is no One. |

[steve5678]

Thanks Brutus.... I finally made the hard decision to delete her as a friend... I was going to hold off, but she was posted in some photos having that fun and being around that guy and it was just too hard to look at. As stupid as it sounds I was upset that she liked one of the photos of him. I also unfollowed her on snapchat and instagram. Can't say I feel better yet or liberated. Just hurt.