soapskills Posted September 7, 2004 Share Posted September 7, 2004 Hi everyone, I've been finding this site somewhat helpful, so I thought I'd make a post. My girlfriend of 3 years just left me about a month ago because she met another guy and said she "wants to pursue it." Things have been bumpy at times for us, and obviously not perfect, but I know she loved me deeply and we were very emotionally involved with each other. This summer she got a shore house with her friends, and that was the beginning of the end. Although I made a full fledged effort to be there for her more than effort, she eventually hooked up with another guy as I had anticipated - but I didn't think she would just drop me to start another relationship! Anyway, I've been through all the phases of post-breakup, and find myself back depressed, and angry again. I just can't seem to move on. She was calling me still even after the breakup, still telling me she loves me, and misses me, and even called me 3 nights in a row for phone sex! Being hurt and weak, I gave in. Just two weeks ago she had vacation with her family at their shore house, and told me she would be going alone when I asked her. I demanded she be honest, and not "protect my feelings" but she said he wouldn't be going. She even called me during the vacation to tell me she missed me and was thinking of me - until I found out she had lied to me, and that the guy had been there for 4 nights in a row! We've been dating for 3 years, and already she has this guy on her family vacation?! Anyway, I flipped out for a while and things got ugly. She told me never to call again. Last week I apologized for some of the harsh things I said, and sent her a long email professing my love for her and willingness to work things out, yet respect her space for the time being. She called me all week, apologizing as well, and still saying "things are not serious with this guy" and "it's not what you think" but still I am hurt so badly, especially when she contradicts herself and says "i still have hope for us too." I finally texted her "TC" on Thursday (Take Care) and she flipped out on me thinking I was texting her the initials of a new girl I had met! She showed her jealousy and anger, but I told her that I was just living my life and that I wasn't out to seek a new relationship, nor did I think should she. Anyway, I started NO CONTACT on Friday, as she spent the whole weekend with him down the shore, and even tonight after they returned. I'm so angry again, and wish I just did let her think I had met another girl - at least then I wouldn't have let her be so secure with herself thinking that I am waiting around. If I go through with this NO CONTACT things, won't it just make it easier for her to move forward with this guy and put me further out of sight and mind? Would it be wrong to make her think I actually had met someone else to gauge her honest reaction? Please help me, I don't think this will ever go away. People tell me she will notice my absence and it will surprise her, but I am doubtful. She was always after me in our relationship, and loved me so much, so I just find it hard to believe that she still doesn't love me - even she admitted it. Sorry for the long post! Justin (age 26) Link to post Share on other sites
Starnette83 Posted September 7, 2004 Share Posted September 7, 2004 Hey Justin, Sorry for what you're having to go through with your girl/ex girl...Well why did she break up with u over this guy? what was going on in the relationship that u think might have wanted her to try someone new? Did you always treat her right and showed her you loved her? If you think you were a good boyfriend then the truth is that shes the one who has screwed up!!! Usually when a partner knows the other partner loves them so much they begin to take the person and relationship for granted, and they feel that they can never really lose the person, so as shes with this guy right now, she feels she can come to you anytime and that you will be there, shes not afraid of losing you because you havent shown her she can, plus she knows him much you love her, and its really hard to give up when u love someone so much, but how can she be with someone else and claim she loves u? Im sorry but that isnt love!! I was with my ex for 3 years 1/2 and we got back...it was always him doing stuff like that to me, i always had a hard time letting go..and can tell u that i still do...i didnt talk to him for 6 weeks and my feelings were like a rollercoaster...From sad to mad, to whatever, to happy, to sad and mad again, to forgotten. I called him after 6 weeks and he told me he missed me and was thinking about me, so i asked him then "why didnt u call me?" he just couldnt answer it...i guess deep down inside he knew i would call him, which i did... What imma tell u is that since i got back with my ex, things are not the same..its hard for me to trust him, to open my heart completely to him again, sometimes tho im happy to have him next to me, i resent all the lies he told me, the times i know he was talking to girls while with me and trying to hook up..... So my advice to you is to try to forget this girl, or atleast try to go out and have fun with friends, u shouldn't be waiting around, i know you love this girl soo much and i know long relationships like this its normal to get attached and not want things to change!! Trust me i know, its going to be 4 years for me on December, but really i have a feeling my relationship will lead to another break up and more heart ache, i too am trying to plot a way out of this... How can we fall out of love w/ someone who hurts us by lying to us??? I just dont think its right...I think a healthy relationship is were two partners are together and they love eachother and no lies exist..thats a real relationship, i know its jsut hard to think about it...I usually dont feel like investing getting to know soemone new, i feel like it be to start allover and i just want to keep on trying with the same person, but soemtimes it might be a waste of time when instead there could be just a better person out there for u... Just hang in there with no contact, i know she wont forget u..the more she doesnt hear from u the more she will think of u and even think she might be losing u... But if she knows ure there, ure her backup and she knows once shes bored with this guy or a fight occurs she can run to you..sorry but that is not love..love doesnt put there love in a backup sear...would u>??? Link to post Share on other sites
snilljente Posted September 7, 2004 Share Posted September 7, 2004 I don't know what you guys think, but I don't think someone risks something that they REALLY love by breaking up wtih someone...I don't mean to sound harsh, but when you break up with someone, even if you stay in contact and still tell that person that you care, you are risking losing them....She risked losing you because she wanted to hang out with the other guy...I agree with Starnette that, if people get back together after a situation like this, the trust will never be the same. My guy was dishonest and I found out he was seeing someone else behind my back this summer when he just kept saying he needed space due to personal problems...I would never take him back...I miss him, I miss his touch, his lips, everything, BUT, it would never ever be the same..he has broken my trust and even if 6 months from now he came back and said he made a big mistake and that he really cared, I would never be able to trust him again after doing this....so, she has done some irreparable damage....Don't you feel like you deserve better than someone who has you walking on eggshells wondering who's she's with, what she wants, when/if she will break up with you again down the road...Move on....the pain will get better...it takes TIME...I am still working on it and still have my down days...but I want more..I want/deserve to be treated better and so do you! Link to post Share on other sites
sonador_hermosa Posted September 7, 2004 Share Posted September 7, 2004 it's so hard to get over someone you've been with for a long time...good for you for starting the no contact thing. that's usually best after a breakup like that. i've found in my experience that when you keep talking to an ex right after you break up, it just prolongs your pain. this woman is making it blatantly obvious that she just wants you around to be on the back burner in case her new relationship doesn't work out. she lied to you, too. that is complete B.S. and you shouldn't put up with it because you're just enabling her to use you by staying available to her. i wouldn't recommend lying to her about a new woman just to gauge her reaction...that's just bad karma. in your situation, i would try my best to move on. show her that she CAN'T count on you being around forever. she has problems if she isn't mature enough to choose a mate she wants to be with. i hate to sound harsh, but there's better out there for you. i don't know you guys or the whole situation, so i can't really make a judgement call here...but i would say it would be unhealthy to keep in contact with someone who has ruined the trust that is essential in a healthy relationship. i have no doubt that she still loves you, but she obviously doesn't respect you and she isn't trustworthy. maybe if you don't talk to her for awhile, she will realize that you aren't going to always be mr. reliable and waiting for her. and perhaps one day you guys could even make amends and be friends. anyway, i hope everything turns out to be OK. trust me, things will get better for you you are obviously a very sweet guy and a devoted lover, and you're gonna meet someone really special who will REALLY love you just as much as you can love them Link to post Share on other sites
Author soapskills Posted September 7, 2004 Author Share Posted September 7, 2004 thanks everybody for the kind words... i guess one of the things that bothers me is that we live about 40 minutes away from each other, so when we saw each other our time was more valued and focused. sure it wasn't easy, but after 3 years there were reasons we both continued it. i know for a fact that her love was not BS. however, i just can't believe how much time she's spending with this guy, as he lives in her hometown, so he's got geographical advantage over me. i just found out tonight they were hanging out because my ex's little sister mentioned it on her IM away message! i mean, they had just spent labor day weekend together, and she's hanging out with him again tonight? she's normally in bed by 10:30 as she wakes up at 5am for work, but I would imagine that's all changed now. how could she be moving so fast, and yet still tell me that it's not serious, and that she's not very physical with him. she even went so far as to say, "it's more of like a friendship thing." in the past she was never one to play games, and even if she did I could always outsmart her as i was the more analytical, and intelligent one in the relationship - in that regard I could walk circles around her. but now, i don't know what to believe, and i really wonder if she will miss me enough to reconsider what she has done. i play guitar and did a performance a few weeks ago which she said she wished she could have seen. i even dedicated one of the songs to her, and last week emailed it to her with a note saying "Not that you care anymore." She responded, "I DO CARE, AND THAT WAS THE MOST BEAUTIFUL THING I"VE EVER HEARD. IF YOUR GOAL WAS TO MAKE ME REALLY THINK ABOUT OUR SITUATION, THEN YOU HAVE JUST ACHIEVED IT." that was just last week, so i just don't know why she would say such things and then go ahead spend so much time with this "new guy." i really hate her right now and miss her at the same time. my life is in shambles, i'm in therapy now, and taking meds for depression, going to the gym, going out, and yet i still can't seem to shake the thoughts of her. each day gets weirder and stranger, and i feel like i don't even know who i am anymore. call me crazy, but i just wish at least she would want me back so that i could at least have the option of saying yes or no. i agree trust would be an issue, but i hate having no control over this situation, and i hate most of all not having her to talk to anymore. Link to post Share on other sites
overseas2004 Posted September 7, 2004 Share Posted September 7, 2004 Well, I think obvioiusly you need to continue with the no contact. My bf just did it to me just because I was unsure about our relationship and started getting flaky. He just stopped talking to me. And it worked. I called him today all in tears. Link to post Share on other sites
Author soapskills Posted September 7, 2004 Author Share Posted September 7, 2004 well it's been 4 days of NC, and she just called me twice early this morning - I didn't answer either time. then i checked my email and there were three emails from here. 1) telling me to please call her when i got a chance. 2) telling me that if it even matters anymore she still misses our times together, and it hurts her heart that she is losing one of her "best friends" in the whole world 3) forwarded me an old email i sent her, reminding me that she missed me, hopes i'm doing well, and misses her friendship with me. she reminded me that she tried calling, and to call her back if i want to and added (that's if you haven't already ran off with someone with a little wink smiley face) I don't know what to make of any of this. I haven't been on AIM all day, and am not going to return the calls, as tempting as it may be. I simply responded to the last email with the words, "I KNOW" - that's a typical cold response she's been giving me the past few weeks. should i continue with this no contact, or has she accepted the loss already? is this her way of REALLY saying she misses me, because there was nothing else in there about how much she still loves me or anything like that - she just keeps mentionting our "friendship" i'm sorry but these past four days i've been miserable thinking about her, i feel like letting her just wonder what the hell i'm doing. but that will probably anger and upset her. Link to post Share on other sites
dub03 Posted September 7, 2004 Share Posted September 7, 2004 She is totally messing with your head, I think you can see that. She obviously still cares for you, so you need to just confront her about it and go all out. Its a hard thing to do, because you really risk losing her, but it needs to be done. If you keep letting her tell you that she loves you, its going to drive you mad. You just need to tell her "that if you really do still love me and care about me, then stop these games and lets get back together otherwise we need to go our separate ways" because you obviously can't take her mind games, and it would probably be the best thing for you. I know you are worried that she will forget you, but ask yourself this. What would you rather have if she wont get back together with you: Months maybe years of Misery and torture, or a few lousy months and then a happy normal life. -JB Link to post Share on other sites
tanbark813 Posted September 7, 2004 Share Posted September 7, 2004 Originally posted by soapskills how could she be moving so fast, and yet still tell me that it's not serious, and that she's not very physical with him. she even went so far as to say, "it's more of like a friendship thing." She's downplaying her new relationship because she wants to keep you on the backburner just in case things don't work out with this new guy. Do you really think she would leave you for him if it was just a "friendship thing"? Come on man.. I've been in a similar situation before and I know what you're going through. I can understand wanting to work things out with her to get things back the way they were and end the pain, but it's not possible at this point. I mean, the only outcomes now are either she keeps stringing you along until you have a breakdown, or you get back together, become her second choice, and then have trust issues to deal with with her until she finds the next new guy. Save yourself your remaining sanity and what's left of your dignity, do the "no contact" thing for real to help you heal, and find a girl more worthy of your time and song dedications. Link to post Share on other sites
Author soapskills Posted September 7, 2004 Author Share Posted September 7, 2004 i hear what you guys are saying, and i'm trying to be strong. it was great to see she called me three times today, and sent me three emails. i feel like i have some control back - but still i feel bad ignoring her, and what if she starts to give up on me because she felt as if she was trying to tell me something, and i'm not responding to her. doesn't the ball go back in my court now? i understand she may be confused, and i don't hate her for that. i think she is trying something different, and as much as i hate it, i realize we're all human as well. i mean i've thought about it in the past, and have confused her as well, so i think i can be quite forgiving of this. however, if she's still going to date this guy, then i want her to realize she can't have her cake and eat it too. i want to tell her that, but it's been 4 days of NC, and I can see it's starting to work. but how long is too long to wait to call her back? thanks guys. Link to post Share on other sites
Author soapskills Posted September 8, 2004 Author Share Posted September 8, 2004 she called me 4 times today (twice at home, twice on cell) and sent me three emails telling me that she misses our friendship, and where did this all go wrong. i've been strong all day, and felt great about it, but now that feeling is starting to wear off. i do miss her, and don't want her to think i'm being a jerk, but i need her to realize the repercussions of what she's done. this sucks. i miss my girl, and falling asleep with her on the phone at night. Link to post Share on other sites
snilljente Posted September 8, 2004 Share Posted September 8, 2004 Call her back ONCE and tell her exactly what was mentioned earlier that you two either get back together or you go your separate ways, but that anything else is going to be too painful for both of you. LEAVE IT AT THAT and don't contact her. The ball will be completely in her court and you will have let her know how you feel. Hang in there, I know it's hard. Link to post Share on other sites
werty Posted September 8, 2004 Share Posted September 8, 2004 its very hard, when theres a third party involved.... Link to post Share on other sites
snilljente Posted September 8, 2004 Share Posted September 8, 2004 You're right Werty...like Soapskills, my guy had a new gf within DAYS....it's a weird feeling to open yourself up to someone and truly believe they are a genuine part of your life, to only be treated so disposably.....My guy told me to not contact him, that he is "happy with his life"...but I don't get how this happens...how does someone snap their fingers and go from caring and wanting to be with you all of the time, to wanting to be with someone else all of the time...Don't they miss the person....I mean, I just don't get this at all! Link to post Share on other sites
backspn Posted September 8, 2004 Share Posted September 8, 2004 Just my 2 cents. I am in the same situation minus the other guy. I think it would be ok for you to take her call every now and again.....maybe once every 2 weks or something like that. Just to let her know that you are still living. She will miss you eventually but in my opinion if you ignore her...eventually she will say "forget him" and move on for good without you. If thats what you want then its less pain for you to have to tell her to put up or shut up. I just feel that the no contact rule works to a point then it turns you into the jerk. It's all about perception....you are busy and are doing fine without her. This will tear her up inside, especially if she thinks you will always be there. The main goal is to wake her up and have her figure out that you are the one she wants to be with. Be strong and be her friend. Do you talk to your friends EVERY week....I know I dont. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
werty_2 Posted September 8, 2004 Share Posted September 8, 2004 friends and peers will surely help you here. stay with them. make her miss you.. as for myself and my crazy situation, all i can do is talk by the beach myself hoping some1 will hear me out... but ur doin fine... keep it up Link to post Share on other sites
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