Mixed signals - is he messing with me or is he interested again?! I'm going nuts!!

[Ph123]

Hey guys,

 

I decided to start a new topic as the old one was in the 'second chances' category. I really need some help here and some insight if possible at all. Long story short, my ex boyfriend and I broke up 5 days ago after a period of him being distant with me, me handling it really badly and losing it, him asking for a break, me handling that badly, him wanting to end it, me convincing him to give it another chance, him not really into it and treating me badly, me finally blowing up again and telling him I'm done, him saying I should leave him alone and he will get in touch with me if he wants to talk but it's over. The details and full story are here, in case you want to read it: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/second-chances/468587-he-really-giving-me-second-chance

 

Now, we have the same circle of friends and I am not willing to give that up as they are the only support group I have and we have all been friends for years which means I would see him a few times a week.

 

I have left him alone as requested since the break-up and have not reached out to him at all and vice versa. I do know that he did love me until the very end but as I said it all got quite out of control with me being super emotional and him being super distant (I got the impression that I massively bruised his ego as well).

 

We ended up at a common friend's house the evening of our break-up and besides a hello and a goodbye I said nothing to him. He did try to attempt light conversation, but at that point I just completely ignored him as I had still been open to patching up or at least leaving things in a good way but he had told me to 'leave him alone.' On top of that, I had asked a common friend to pick me up on her way to this friend's house as my car was getting repaired and she - who did not know any of this at that point - got held up and asked him to pick me up instead. He did not even have the courtesy to let me know about this and just went straight to the place. I texted him as soon as I found out about this and told him he is under no obligation to pick me up but he did not respond to that and was already there.

 

I got the impression that he was upset at the fact that I was acting as if I was fine that night and looked normal and completely blanked him. After his second attempt (he made a joke and looked in my direction expecting a response which he didn't get), he got up and left quite abruptly which surprised everyone as he's usually the last one to leave and the life of the party.

 

Two days later, there was an important gathering - he did not show up and did not respond to any of the other friends' texts and then eventually came up with a lame excuse which no one bought so it was fairly obviously he was just avoiding me. Again, the following night, he completely ignored about 20 calls from the friends inviting him out which is very, very odd for him. He had also told a friend he would get in touch with me about an event we are all organizing as he has to ask something and of course, he didn't.

 

Today, I had declined an invitation (which he knew) so he did go to the event and seemed fine or so I was told.

 

Needless to say, I understand that he wants no contact but he did turn up that first day so this excessive avoidance of everyone else because of me seems a little much. I don't get why he hates me so much all of a sudden? Any insights? It hurts!!

[Lay]

You did ignore him the first time, and in my experience guys could not hate that more. He probably doesn't want to be on bad terms with you.. And wants your friendship. Don't sweat it, if you do your thang and get on with your life, he will come around at some point (missing your friendship). I know that's not what you want to hear right now but going no contact will benefit you in that you're not giving a crap about him. I wish you the best, I know it's hard but you have this forum, and our support! If you make a conscious effort to get over him, you will do it faster! You got this

 

~Lay

[Ph123]

You did ignore him the first time, and in my experience guys could not hate that more. He probably doesn't want to be on bad terms with you.. And wants your friendship. Don't sweat it, if you do your thang and get on with your life, he will come around at some point (missing your friendship). I know that's not what you want to hear right now but going no contact will benefit you in that you're not giving a crap about him. I wish you the best, I know it's hard but you have this forum, and our support! If you make a conscious effort to get over him, you will do it faster! You got this

 

~Lay

 

Hi Lay,

 

Thanks for your response. The trouble is - I am probably being very stupid but considering how close and in love we were before he got distant on me, I guess I am still hoping to get back together at some point with a fresh start. That being said, I know I am also somewhat in denial still.

 

His behavior really doesn't give me much hope but do you think I should be more approachable if I do meet him somewhere? I don't know what to do - I cannot reach out to him (and don't want to) since he told me to leave him alone but I am very much hoping that he will cool off and come to his senses. Am I being stupid?

[Trovador]

How complicated is your post break up scenario... if I were you, I'd leave temporarily my circle of friends, as the environment is causing you more damage than good and the whole drama is embarrassing to all... one way or another they will hear about the by, so you might as well tell them immediately, I am sure they will understand...

 

He asked you to leave him alone, respect his wishes and let him go...

[Ph123]

How complicated is your post break up scenario... if I were you, I'd leave temporarily my circle of friends, as the environment is causing you more damage than good and the whole drama is embarrassing to all... one way or another they will hear about the by, so you might as well tell them immediately, I am sure they will understand...

 

He asked you to leave him alone, respect his wishes and let him go...

 

Hi Trovador,

 

It really is very complicated but I cannot leave all my friends as I mentioned in my post simply because they are all the support I have right now and I really wouldn't be able to cope with this having lost my best friend as well as all the others. I just wish he would stop acting so strange and making everyone uncomfortable - if he carries on like this, not only will we never be able to hang out with the same group, they will probably be forced to pick sides.

 

I am absolutely leaving him alone and have no intentions to contact him or talk about our relationship - at this point, both our emotions are running high and there is really nothing left to talk about so it is best left alone. I am just really hoping that once we both cool off, we can patch up if not as boyfriend and girlfriend at least as the best friends that we were before we got together.

 

His behavior sadly indicates that this is not going to happen and that's what's really painful for me.

[Trovador]

In a perfect world nothing would have to change, but sadly that is just a dream... everything turned upside down due to the bu and mutual friends are affected by it too... if you two don't stop acting so immaturely the ones forced to leave the circle of friends are well, your friends, and that will leave both of you alone and together... how about that?

 

I firmly believe that ex lovers can't be friends... anyway, one of you have to leave because, frankly, the whole mess is unfair for your friends, inoccent victims of friendly fire...

[Lifegoezon]

He's doing the best he can by going along only when you're not there and he's trying to stay NC. You should adopt a balanced approach with these friends if you aren't able to give them up. Sometimes you go, sometimes he goes. You can't be there together. You can't be friends. Accept it.

[Chi townD]

I agree. He's hurt. Nothing hurts worst than being rejected and not wanted. He still has romantic feelings for you. Therefore, he cannot be your friend while he still has those feelings. What if you two meet up with the group of friends and you meet someone else. And you spend you evening getting to know this new guy and he witnesses the two of you exchanging numbers or going off by yourselves and he has to see that. That would tear him up. Therefore, he chooses not to witness that.

 

 

It's like he's a recovering alcoholic and there's a party at a bar. Well, he can't go because the temptation would be too much for him. So, he chooses not to go. He isn't being childish if that's what you're thinking. It's self preservation.

[Ph123]

Hey guys,

 

Well - color me confused!! So he got in touch with me today, made absolutely no reference to the break-up or the fight, was super friendly and made a lot of effort to keep the conversation going which I eventually ended!!

 

Then, this evening he was at a friend's house. When I turned up, he acted delighted to see me, paid me a LOT of attention all evening, was super friendly even a little flirty, teased me, basically almost as if nothing ever went wrong.

 

I was not super friendly like he was but was civil and did not ignore him but did not go out of my way the way he was either.

 

What?!?!!

[Trovador]

Those are the dangers of light contact, every move of the other party gets us dizzy and anxious... if the ex is happy, it is because of me? if is angry, it is because of me? if is indifferent, well you get the point...

 

That's no decent way to live...

[Ph123]

Okay so - this is absolutely killing me as I am still idiotic enough to think there may be a chance to work things out and he's really not helping...

 

So, met him a few times this week, he's constantly been very very friendly, completely OTT. On top of that, a lot of flirting and touchy feely moments.. I have tried to not respond but it's SO hard. Last night, he took it one step further and was even worse, tried to slow dance with me out of nowhere, completely inappropriate jokes about our relationship (very intimate) - basically the way we were when we were together. I ended up leaving early because I was just so confused as I really don't want to read too much into this and get my hopes up even more.

 

This morning, we spoke on the phone about an issue with an employee of mine who used to work for him and he sounded absolutely delighted to hear from me when I called, but I jumped straight to the issue. Then we had a conversation for another few minutes and he was carrying on with his ridiculously friendly attitude.

 

I guess I finally snapped - I told him it is fine for us to be civil and I am very glad we are not hostile BUT it was far too soon for us to be like this and it is hurting me as I need time to get over him before we can really be friends. He was taken aback and went back to his sulky, full of attitude mode and said fine - I thought we were friends. I said, clearly you have moved on and good for you but if you have no feelings for me now, doesn't mean I am in the same place. Also, we got into a huge fight, broke up, and now you are acting as if nothing ever happened, haven't brought it up at all and on top of that think we're buddies now? To which he said he cannot discuss this right now, etc. and will let me know when! He said if 'civil' is how you want to play it, then fine, I will do that - I have gone out of my way to make you feel comfortable but we will do it your way.

 

What is going on here?! He didn't confirm that he has in fact moved on, but sure sounds like it! Does he actually expect me to now be best buds with him and carry on as if nothing ever happened? I know I'm very emotional right now and not thinking clearly but this is making no sense to me!!

 

@Travador - I know what you are saying and this could all be avoided if only I could avoid him. But believe me when I say this is just not possible..

[Ph123]

Hey guys,

 

Sorry - again starting a new thread as my whole situation has changed and the old one's topic is no longer relevant.

 

Long story short, my ex boyfriend and I broke up 5 days ago after a period of him being distant with me, me handling it really badly and losing it, him asking for a break, me handling that badly, him wanting to end it, me convincing him to give it another chance, him not really into it and treating me badly, me finally blowing up again and telling him I'm done, him saying I should leave him alone and he will get in touch with me if he wants to talk but it's over. The details and full story are here, in case you want to read it: Is he really giving me a second chance?

 

Now, we have the same circle of friends and I am not willing to give that up as they are the only support group I have and we have all been friends for years which means I would see him a few times a week.

 

I have left him alone as requested since the break-up and have not reached out to him at all and vice versa. I do know that he did love me until the very end but as I said it all got quite out of control with me being super emotional and him being super distant (I got the impression that I massively bruised his ego as well). On the eve of our breakup, I saw him and froze him out, said hi and bye but did not respond to any other attempts at conversation with him. He went on to avoid all our friends for a few days so I did not see him at all and we both went completely NC.

 

Then he proceeded to contact me and act as if nothing ever happened and was friendly. I have run into him a few times after that, he has made absolutely no reference to the fight, our relationship or the breakup - but has been OTT friendly and has paid me a lot of attention, teased me, flirted with me, been very touchy feely and so on which really threw me as I am really still hoping for a chance to sort this out and get back together at some point.

 

This morning, we spoke on the phone about an issue with an employee of mine who used to work for him and he sounded absolutely delighted to hear from me when I called, but I jumped straight to the issue. Then we had a conversation for another few minutes and he was carrying on with his ridiculously friendly attitude.

 

I guess I finally snapped - I told him it is fine for us to be civil and I am very glad we are not hostile BUT it was far too soon for us to be like this and it is hurting me as I need time to get over him before we can really be friends. He was taken aback and went back to his sulky, full of attitude mode and said fine - I thought we were friends. I said, clearly you have moved on and good for you but if you have no feelings for me now, doesn't mean I am in the same place. Also, we got into a huge fight, broke up, and now you are acting as if nothing ever happened, haven't brought it up at all and on top of that think we're buddies now? To which he said he cannot discuss this right now, etc. and will let me know when! He said if 'civil' is how you want to play it, then fine, I will do that - I have gone out of my way to make you feel comfortable but we will do it your way.

 

What is going on here?! He didn't confirm that he has in fact moved on, but sure sounds like it! Does he actually expect me to now be best buds with him and carry on as if nothing ever happened? I know I'm very emotional right now and not thinking clearly but this is making no sense to me!!

[BC1980]

When you speak with him over job issues, be civil and to the point. There is no need to explain why to him. You are reading way too much into his actions and over analyzing this to a ridiculous point. You would have no interaction if you didn't work together, so only interact with him on a business level if necessary. Stop worrying about him.

[Ph123]

BC - thanks for your reply but honestly this is way more than me overanalyzing it.

 

He keeps making references to our relationship including our sex life. The other day, he grabbed me and hugged me so tightly I was like ouch!! And he said, I'd never do anything to hurt you and I was like ehhh really?! And he laughed. Surely, this is not normal behavior after a break up?

[BC1980]

BC - thanks for your reply but honestly this is way more than me overanalyzing it.

 

He keeps making references to our relationship including our sex life. The other day, he grabbed me and hugged me so tightly I was like ouch!! And he said, I'd never do anything to hurt you and I was like ehhh really?! And he laughed. Surely, this is not normal behavior after a break up?

 

It might be normal if you are still seeing him, which you have to do because of work. It's an awkward situation now, and he seems to be feeling it out. My ex actually sent me an anniversary card after we had broken up, which was one month later. My ex also bought be a Kindle and had it shipped to my parent's house after we broke up. He asked me to go on vacation with his family that summer too. 8 months after the breakup, he mailed a birthday present to me. It was something I had always wanted.

 

I'm making the point that people do a lot of things we would not consider "normal" after a breakup, because we wouldn't do the same things. I would never send a birthday gift to an ex I dumped because I would consider that hurtful, but I've learned that what I would do isn't what someone else would do. You can read tons of threads on LS where exes do all sorts of things after a breakup that we would consider rude, weird, hurtful, or confusing. We automatically assume that dumpers will want unabated NC and nothing more to do with us. Not always the case.

 

Your job isn't to analyze his behavior through your lenses because it will get you nowhere. There is no way that any of us can figure out his motives, but my best guess is that he is simply feeling out an awkward situation. Your job is to keep it all business at work and maintain NC outside of work. Your job is to focus on the decisions that you have to make along the way and know why you are making them.

Edited April 11, 2014 by BC1980

[BC1980]

BC - thanks for your reply but honestly this is way more than me overanalyzing it.

 

Yes, you are over analyzing it, which is normal after a breakup. We want actions and words to mean things they don't mean. People do it all day on LS. I would analyze every little action and go over things my ex said post breakup until I finally realized that it made little difference and wasn't helping me move on. My ex would text me pictures of the flowers I had planted at our house. Surely it was secret code that he wanted to get back together right? I think he was probably just trying to be nice in some warped way and probably missed me a little too. It doesn't mean sh*t about him wanting to get back together.

 

People preach NC for a reason, and one of the most important reasons is to take you away from your exes actions and words. You can't help but over analyze them at this point because you have little objectivity. You need to get to an emotionally healthy place, and you are going nowhere fast right now.

[Ph123]

Hi guys,

 

So some of you may have read my story.. basically my ex and I hit a very rough patch in our relationship which resulted in a series of fights and arguments and finally him saying he's done.

 

We have the exact same social circle so cannot avoid each other. The first few days were weird but then he started acting super friendly, contacting me, etc. which raised my hopes as I was thinking we may be able to patch up as the whole breakup was really a little silly IMO. Anyway, after 2 weeks of him being ridiculously flirty and friendly and caring, he asked me to meet up a few days ago. I agreed.

 

We met up and just hung out as 'friends' but then it became clear that he wanted more. I asked him about it - he said he misses me desperately. I said that's fine but what does that mean? I told him I don't want to get hurt again and I am not a booty call so if he really wants things to work out, great but if not, let's not go down that road. He said he really misses me and wants to see how things go. I said fine. So we ended up making love and it was great and afterwards things were fine as well.

 

The next few days that followed, he was fine but not exactly a boyfriend so I was very confused. I confronted him this morning and asked him what's going on and he said we're most definitely not getting back together and he thought I was fine with that. I was shocked needless to say, and told him I thought I made it clear I was not interested in anything less than a relationship and I feel very used. He said he thought he made his intentions clear - and I told him he should have known better as I am not that kind of girl and if he just wanted to get laid, he really had plenty of other options.

 

In the end, I told him to back off and leave me alone, any more than a hello and a goodbye is unnecessary when we run into each other - absolutely no flirting, touching, etc. to which he said he understands (but actually sounded pissed off). I also told him that I did not deserve to be treated this way and what he did was very wrong.

 

I cannot believe he would do this to me - I am honestly in shock and SO hurt. I know he is clearly not the person I thought he was and I need to drop him and move on but it is so hard to come to terms with that Any words of advice, similar stories, etc. would be highly appreciated.

 

Also - is he ever going to realize what he did was really messed up!?

[TaraMaiden]

Don't even talk to him - no 'hello', 'goodbye' nothing. Blank him off.

Cut him off at the knees. Do not engage with him on any level, at any time.

If people ask you why - ph*k it - tell them.

 

"Because I don't appreciate having my emotions, principles and standards ignored and just being used for sex, that's why."

 

Refuse any personal involvement with him whatsoever.

 

He doesn't even deserve a pinch of respect or courtesy after pulling that little stunt.

 

He may well realise it - but that won't give him any further entitlement or the privilege of ingratiating himself with you, ever again.

 

Right?

[Ph123]

Hi Tara,

 

You're absolutely right - and I definitely do not want to have anything to do with him after this.

 

This is going to sound very childish I know - but while prior to all this I honestly had nothing but well wishes for him, now I actually want him to pay for this. I guess I'm just really mad and hurt but I don't want him to get away with this. Involving our friends is not really the right thing to do as it will only make things awkward for them. I am just so mad - at him for doing this and myself for trusting him again and being so gullible. ARRRGHHHH!!!! This guy was my best friend before we even got together, we truly loved each other first as friends and then as partners. How could he do this and calmly tell me he thought I was okay with it?!! And his reason for not wanting to be together? He said he tried and just can't do it (this was today - prior to this he had given me a load of different reasons each stranger than the last).

[todreaminblue]

Similar story made the choice to have sex and then was todl basically that he was otu after the honeymoon period was off he was setting up other options..so i told him stuff that your single now buddy he soem how feels he moved on....well he did .....because i told him too....he argues for a while wanting me to come with my girls too meet his mum on an island stay for easter can you believe it?....he is pretty sick...i cant deal with that.......i have been celibate for many years before him ...he promised the world...which i never expected and i feel pretty yuck too....used especially...i was in hospital when i met him....and thats no excuse i made the choice to have sex ......

 

 

its funny when he met me he said how colorful i was .......even though i was sick........i had my faith and my celibacy which made me feel special and vibrant......colorful and my clothes i wear are no different now........but i am different....i am sad.......adn he said as much when i met you you were elevated and happy now yoru just sad and boring.......i am party animal he actually said that to my mum today....mum told him i had been contacted by my church after a prayer answered and they accepted me back with open arms and huge smiles exactly like god did.......he then said get debbie to me ring me when she can to talk about some money he owes.......i dont think i will ring him, not right now not for a while.......i have too eventually ...i am actually happy i am back where i feel true love......acceptance for me being me and i cant be happy all the time......and thats ok...my bills are paid......

 

 

 

 

the consequences of my choices have made me sad.....they took away my happiness at doing the right thing and replaced it with used up and discarded feelings but as my mum said to him deb is going to be happy sh is back where she belongs....... she doesnt need alcohol or drugs she is funny naturally she can party like no tomorra.....and it aint artificial.mum thinks he is boring..lol...smilin...mum went into defense mode.......my heartfelt advice straight from em to you.....dont contact him....reclaim you..you are not the sum of a mistake....but you can learn adn no what makes you feel rotten...and not go there again.....sucks sometimes...lots of hugs...deb

Edited April 17, 2014 by todreaminblue

[BC1980]

I've seen some similar stories on LS. I'm really sorry this happened to you, but I'm not surprised. I've seen enough stories where two exes jumped right back into bed, the the dumper later wants nothing to do with the other person.

 

What exactly did he say about getting back together? Did he simply say he wanted to see how things went? That's not a very concrete statement, but it is deceitful to some extent. Next time, you will be smarter and not let someone back in so quickly.

 

Of course, NC is in order here. Start today, and don't look back.

[d0nnivain]

No he's never going to realize what he lost.

 

It's also time for you to expand your social circle.

[Ph123]

Thanks for your replies and support guys - can't tell you how badly I need it right now..

 

He basically told me that we'll see how things go and I took that to mean that we will work on things specially as I specifically told him I do not want to be a booty call and I really don't want to get hurt again. I even told him that him missing me is not a good enough excuse for him to call me and want to hang out and I am not interested unless this is going to be a regular thing. Maybe I should have spelled it out but honestly I thought we were on the same page.

 

Even worse, he really does know me as a person - he knows I am not the kind of girl who has flings or one night stands or any of that. I don't judge those who do but I am just not capable of it.

 

I actually asked him this - I said knowing me as well as you do, you actually thought I would be okay with this? And he said yes!

 

Again, I know I should have known better but this hurt me more than the actual breakup in some ways, I am having a really really hard time coming to terms with the fact that he did this to me while knowing how much it would hurt me, how emotionally vulnerable I am right now and how much I love him and want him back. Trying to put the old him and this new utter and complete jerk in the same person's body is unbelievably difficult!!

[elseaacych]

Ph123, I am so sorry for what you are going through. How he treated you was downright despicable. Given the intensity of your emotions, I would recommend that you try and find a good counsellor to help you psychologically cope with what happened post break up. It will help you heal faster, and help you build up your confidence to move on so you don't end up in a situation like that again.

[BC1980]

He sounds pretty deceitful to me. I think he was well aware that you wanted more than a booty call. I'm so sorry this happened, but there's nothing to do now but go NC. I know the awful feeling of not even believing your ex is the same person. After what I went through with my ex, people just don't surprise me anymore.