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To get them back: No contact vs Some contact


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Warning: this is not a thread about moving on... so please only contribute if you have something constructive to say other that "it's over just move on"

 

So, I've been doing some soul searching and thinking. I know what NC is supposed to be, which is to help you move on - not a childish tactic to get them to somehow miss you and want you back. But what if you aren't ready to let them go? What if you know they have issues, and you need time apart, but aren't going to give up on them?

 

So NC sure, maybe your absence will help them miss you. But it also gives them time to heal and move on (just as it would yourself). You know, out of sight out of mind.

 

A quick background. My ex left me. Days before we were talking marriage, and children, and she'd apparently never been happier. We had a bit fight and it was over. A lot came out. A lot that should have been spoken about instead of bottling it up - that was 5 weeks ago.

 

I started on NC and it really started to help me breath and move on with my life a bit. Then I'd get the random text telling me stuff like "I hope you're having a great weekend :)", or "I found this great place for breakfast you should try it! :)", and then late night ones like "You know it's ok if you are with someone else right now it's your life", followed by "But don't listen to other people's advice do what's in your heart". If I ever, ever replied I would never get anything back, or it would be cold. Very disheartening.

 

So I stopped expecting. I didn't expect a thing from her. I understand she's going through her own problems and needs time to do this. But there are obvious signs she's still thinking about me, and missing me. So instead of trying to get her back I'm just living my life, but here for her (for now anyway). I just kept moving along, and found she's been watching everything I'm doing through friends' check-ins on Facebook (I unfriended as I didn't want to know about her).

 

Something is there. Possibly she's just coping with it her way and trying to keep her distance while she works through things in her own mind, and just throws out the occasional text to keep in contact. But I honestly don't believe she's a devil-woman just stringing me along to keep me as some kind of backup plan.

 

On the weekend something really extraordinary happened in my life. Long story I saved an entire family (of 8 people - 3 were children), seeing a fire and kicking their door down and putting a fire out with a garden hose while they were sleeping. They woke up and were hysterical and were calling me their guardian angel blah blah..

 

I didn't think much of it until the next day when they all came to my house thanking me and were very emotional truly thinking they would be dead if I weren't there at that exact time. Anyone would do it. I was on a bit of a high yesterday until they left, and then it really hit me so hard. When I closed the door I broke down into a million pieces.

 

I realised that I should be proud and happy, but instead all I wanted was to share my story with her. She wasn't there anymore. So I wrote to her a random little text "I have so many stories to share with you... miss you dearly x"... no reply (I knew she wouldn't), then later a "Just tell me to 'stop' and I will. But if you feel anything like I do, don't say anything.. night x". As soon as I hit the send button I realised I'm such a fool. I never got anything back. But if I ask about anything else she'll write straight back. As soon as it's personal she goes cold. So I don't know if her lack of reply was a nod back to say it's ok, or just her thinking she's not buying into my stupid game to reply haha.. anyway, it was a bit stupid.

 

No two people are the same. Most people handle things very differently.

 

Anyway, I guess what I'm trying to say is... if you love someone you should do what you feel is best. If you can think with some kind of rationality, then unless you really want to just move on... no contact is not going to work. NC really is just to move on and I think absolutely should be used. But if you love someone, and you think they still love you - you should go for it.

 

I believe my ex still loves me. I know we need time apart right now, but the lover in me can't help but want to be there for her. Because yep - I love her. Ain't love grand ha :)

 

Anyone have stories where NC worked to get their ex back (I realise that's not what it's for)?

 

Anyone have stories where perseverance worked to get their ex back?

 

Spice

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You won't find many of those stories here. People don't come here when they're happy, they come here when they're in pain.

 

Good luck dude. You're in for a world of hurt. I know you don't want to hear the truth but tough titties.

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Hey man, I totally hear where your coming from, but.. and there's always a "but"... when they're done, they're done. Stories about the ex successfully responding to rationality, reason, coercion, begging, pleading, etc are VERY few and far between.

 

I think the only time this really has a shot is when a significant amount of time has passed and you can look at it with a fresh set of eyes.

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It seems like you pretty much just want everyone to tell you what you want to hear rather than actually giving you their opinions.

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LOL no I don't want anyone to tell me what I want to hear. Kalilove I think you nailed it when you said people only come here when in pain.

 

You never hear the happy stories. I guess I'm just looking for any stories where things do work out. I realise they probably don't on this board. Once people are happy again, they don't need help therefore usually probably never come back here.

 

I'm sure people get back together each and every day though. But yep, not going to hear about it on here.

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deathandtaxes
LOL no I don't want anyone to tell me what I want to hear. Kalilove I think you nailed it when you said people only come here when in pain.

 

You never hear the happy stories. I guess I'm just looking for any stories where things do work out. I realise they probably don't on this board. Once people are happy again, they don't need help therefore usually probably never come back here.

 

I'm sure people get back together each and every day though. But yep, not going to hear about it on here.

 

That's because there are no happy stories. Things end for a reason. You're only setting yourself up for future crazy, bs, and heartbreak if you follow the path you're trying to follow. LIVE FOR YOURSELF!

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ConfusedHumanBeing
LOL no I don't want anyone to tell me what I want to hear. Kalilove I think you nailed it when you said people only come here when in pain.

 

You never hear the happy stories. I guess I'm just looking for any stories where things do work out. I realise they probably don't on this board. Once people are happy again, they don't need help therefore usually probably never come back here.

 

I'm sure people get back together each and every day though. But yep, not going to hear about it on here.

 

First, thats bull. From both Kalilove and you. I've been on here for a long time now and there are LOADS of happy stories. I see them all the time. People want gloom and doom to make them feel like they are not alone.

 

Yes, people and their ex's get back together. It happens. Do a lot of them last? No.

 

The relationship for you OP is done. She is telling you to move on. If she wanted to be with you, she would be. You can say "oh people do things differently and no two people are alike" but it is. Do you know how many threads like yours are started? I'd say probably a couple times a week. Its always the same stories of "You dont know her/him like I do" "We really do love eachother" "It's different than you think."....you know what comes out of that? The same thing every time.

 

Reconciliations (successful ones) can happen, but its after a long time. Both people are usually two different people and lots of time has fully passed. NC is used to MOVE ON! You dont want to hear it, but thats what its used for. Using it as a tool to make them miss you is moronic and a time waster. You even said it yourself. If they wanted to be with you, they would be. She isnt. There is something deeper than just her "finding herself" or whatever else you or her want to label it as. She isnt responding because she wants to move on from you. Why keep fawning after someone who doesnt want that? Sending those text are awful and make you look incredibly needy. Doing NC vs LC dont mean a d*** thing if they dont want to be with you anymore.

 

You arent going to like what I say, but you know deep down its true.

Edited by ConfusedHumanBeing
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I, for the life of me, can't remember a single story where someone got back his ex, they stayed together and they lived happily ever after... maybe on the second chances forum this does happen frequently...

 

Moreover, in real life I don't know anybody who had broken up and then got back with his/her former lover...

 

I am not attacking nor defending any posture, only stating what's been my experience...

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My cousin was on and off with a guy for a few years (I think). They are now happily married with two children.

 

However, I do think that this is a rarity. Just wanted to say that it happens. And I know that hearing happy endings make us feel hopeful and think that we can have that too. Most likely, we won't have a happy ending like the one we've been hoping for (reconciliation with a former partner, in this case).

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Hey I'm here for tough love too. I need a good slap in the face with reality sometimes to remind me I'm being a loser.

 

I know she's probably not coming back. And to be completely honest I don't know how I'd feel about it is she did. Lots of things would need to change. But I get the mixed signals, which makes it really hard for me.

 

@sooshi: thank you for your story. It's a nice one :)

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Of course they exist... like winners of the lotto and honest politicians... they exist, but in a galaxy far, far away...

 

But to put all your eggs in the basket of a reconciliation through NC it is a mistake, in my opinion...

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Hey,

 

Like everyone pre-states...this in no way should be taken as cruel. Just follow for a second...

 

You're chasing her man. Girls do not want what they know they can have. Whatever her reasons for breaking up...you're reaffirming them by saying "but Ill always be there." If you actually want any chance of her back...you have to let her decide that for herself...completely by herself. It has to be an original desire from her own heart...without you waiting in the wings. For that to ever happen...and this is something you might not want to hear but YOU HAVE to do...DO NOT TEXT HER EVER AGAIN and DO NOT LOOK BACK. Go forward and create the life you want for yourself. Do check up on her Facebook, don't talk to her friends, it's all going to get back to her and it allows her to think, "Ok so I can go find out what I want for my life and if that doesn't work then Ill have this guy as my backup plan"

 

Why on Earth would you want to be someone's back up plan? Are you currently living your own life's backup plan? I know know know where you're coming from but go ahead- imagine how great she is, how much you love her, how she's just trying to figure herself out...imagine how you first met, how it was storybook, and how it developed....now here is THE TRUTH...there is someone out there who is more beautiful, intelligent, interesting, and searching for YOU RIGHT NOW!!!! If you're not out there living your life...free from the thought of her THIS AMAZING PERSON isn't going to find you. The person you were meant to find will never let you go. So become who you're destined to be, it is your birthright!!!,

 

Since you sound like you're not working the healing yet...I guess know that THE ONLY time an ex contacts is once you've got them out of your mind or are indifferent to them completely. It's like they know through the universe that you don't care anymore and have to reach out. Even then you have to question their motives...did something not work out with another guy, are they just lonely, are they trying to placate their emotions to see if you forgive them. Never apologize for your love, do NOT accept an invitation to be friends...you'll only cause yourself pain or if you really want to be JUST friends that offer possibly won't even be honored as you'll just be kept as emotional support until she finds a new exciting guy who eventually learns to be the emotional support. At that point both conclude "yeah its not comfortable having an EX around".

 

Im not some jaded relationship-head...I actually just had my heart broke for the first time 3 weeks ago and I already know the above thoughts as truth. It is so fn true...so someone needs to state it even though you didn't want it...no contact is about healing you...she took a break from you, decided her life would be better NOT being in a relationship with you...so AAAAAAAH take this time to heal, improve, LOVE you!!!!! 100% that is your focus.

 

PM me if you want...I can help get you to where you really want to be...where you can honestly decide whether she's even the one for you...or one of 6.5 billion other people who will love you even more!

 

Peace on your journey.

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A week ago I was thinking like you....then you start to see the honest truth... Truvador helped show me the way. So listen to the people on this board.

 

She's figuring out her life...so don't pigeon hole yourself and figure yours out as well. We get one go around in this world as we know it.

 

Welcome, you're going to get there.

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Do check up on her Facebook

 

Is that a typo or are you really advising that?

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ConfusedHumanBeing
Hey I'm here for tough love too. I need a good slap in the face with reality sometimes to remind me I'm being a loser.

 

I know she's probably not coming back. And to be completely honest I don't know how I'd feel about it is she did. Lots of things would need to change. But I get the mixed signals, which makes it really hard for me.

 

@sooshi: thank you for your story. It's a nice one :)

 

I like the cut of your jib. Most people dont take kindly to some harsh love on here.

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.. it actually is my own. A couple of years ago, I was married. Married with 3 beautiful kids, and a beautiful wife. We had a great marriage, until the last year. Something changed in her. Long, long story short, she had an affair with her gym trainer. She left me. Marriage was over.

 

For months I tried to get her back. I did everything wrong. EVERYTHING. She blamed me for her cheating etc etc... and kept seeing him. It was a nightmare.

 

During that I learned a lot on how to be by myself, and a lot about myself. Then I met my girlfriend. She made the sun shine for me. I never thought I'd love again, but I did. As soon as I'd genuinely stopped caring about my ex-wife, and moved on, she did a 180. She wanted me back. She does until this day. She went through something, and admitted it was her unhappiness in herself and got a lot of counselling. I can tell you in the first 3 months after it all going down I would have done ANYTHING to know she'd eventually come back and we'd work on things (I would have forgiven her but it would have taken a lot of work). But once I'd moved on I didn't care any more.

 

So they do come back sometimes.

 

The difference in the ending of this relationship was that she left because she had issues with my past. I think it's really killing me this time, because my ex-wife is the reason I have lost 2 loves now. I feel so trashed and destroyed from the whole thing. Completely.

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I might just add.. to add to the confusion, she's left her relationship status on Facebook as in a relationship with me, and all of our photos on there etc etc...

 

I shouldn't have checked, but I did. And she's still using it, but hasn't taken everything down (she used to do that as part of the cleansing after a relationship apparently).

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ConfusedHumanBeing
I might just add.. to add to the confusion, she's left her relationship status on Facebook as in a relationship with me, and all of our photos on there etc etc...

 

I shouldn't have checked, but I did. And she's still using it, but hasn't taken everything down (she used to do that as part of the cleansing after a relationship apparently).

 

Youre reading WAY too much into all of this. It happens a bunch. You keep looking, you'll find something that wont make you happy.

 

Block her, stop trying to read into things, and keep moving forward. Your last wife came back when you did what? Moved on. SOOO 1 of 2 things will happen: You will get over it and fully move on OR you will get over it and she MAY realized what she missed. Either way, texting her like youre doing and keep cyber stalking wont lead to anything.

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Simon Phoenix
I might just add.. to add to the confusion, she's left her relationship status on Facebook as in a relationship with me, and all of our photos on there etc etc...

 

I shouldn't have checked, but I did. And she's still using it, but hasn't taken everything down (she used to do that as part of the cleansing after a relationship apparently).

 

This is clutching on to straws. My ex did the same, doesn't mean a thing. You keep talking about mixed signals -- sorry bro, I'm not seeing any sort of mixed signals based on what you've wrote.

 

That being said, I have attended two weddings in the past year of people who were broken up before reuniting. But in both cases, there was a) significant time apart (6 months to a year) and b) the dumper pretty much went above and beyond the call of duty to convince the dumpee that their interest was legit. Both times the dumpee didn't hang around, didn't beg, didn't plead, didn't check up on the other person, didn't stay on call. There wasn't manipulation involved.

 

Either way, it's up to the dumper and the dumper alone to determine if they want you back. And by hanging around, you are much more likely to further drive her away than you are in prompting her to see the error in her ways.

Edited by Simon Phoenix
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it's been 3 months since i broke up with my Ex... we were together 3 years - i've been torn between "following my heart" and heeding the advice of folks on here - for the most part i have been on the path of NC - there have been bumps in the road - i broke and contacted her for her birthday... to be honest - i'm still very confused about what to do - but reading through this forum... i see things that help remind me that - if she wanted to be with me.. she would?

 

i dunno though - i believe she thinks i don't really love her and while she might want to be with me - she thinks it's pointless and is moving on - and she has all the reasons too... meanwhile.. i'm stuck in a place - trying to move on - but making very slow progress - if it can be called progress at all...

 

all i know is - if you want your Ex back - NC is absolutely not the way to go...

 

but then again - chasing them, can also make things worse... especially if you are not in a calm and collected state of mind.

 

the no-mans land in between is where i am.... I broke up with her - but realized i made a mistak the next day and apologized / begged - she said no - but.. maybe she was just upset at the time... i stupidly went NC to try to attract her (stupid) and when i broke... and contacted her 2 weeks later - she told me she had moved on and it was over...

 

anyway - my story is long and boring...

 

this **** sucks... i dunno what to do... i love her - i miss her everyday - my logic tells me it was financial stress, family issues... and so many other things that made it hard and stressful for me.. and i did not appreciate what an amaizng person i had...

 

**** happens sometimes...

 

will she ever come back? probably not - but all i know is... I NEED to sort out issues i have... whether or not she comes back...

 

so... that's what i'm trying to focus on. Therapy, my health etc...

 

sorry - this post got long!

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I might just add.. to add to the confusion, she's left her relationship status on Facebook as in a relationship with me, and all of our photos on there etc etc...

 

I shouldn't have checked, but I did. And she's still using it, but hasn't taken everything down (she used to do that as part of the cleansing after a relationship apparently).

 

O my Good you'll be in such a shock when she'll delete them and change her status to single.

 

Don't spy on her FB ! Block her now.

 

BTW I'm here every day and I'm happy:)

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ConfusedHumanBeing
it's been 3 months since i broke up with my Ex... we were together 3 years - i've been torn between "following my heart" and heeding the advice of folks on here - for the most part i have been on the path of NC - there have been bumps in the road - i broke and contacted her for her birthday... to be honest - i'm still very confused about what to do - but reading through this forum... i see things that help remind me that - if she wanted to be with me.. she would?

 

i dunno though - i believe she thinks i don't really love her and while she might want to be with me - she thinks it's pointless and is moving on - and she has all the reasons too... meanwhile.. i'm stuck in a place - trying to move on - but making very slow progress - if it can be called progress at all...

 

all i know is - if you want your Ex back - NC is absolutely not the way to go...

 

but then again - chasing them, can also make things worse... especially if you are not in a calm and collected state of mind.

 

the no-mans land in between is where i am.... I broke up with her - but realized i made a mistak the next day and apologized / begged - she said no - but.. maybe she was just upset at the time... i stupidly went NC to try to attract her (stupid) and when i broke... and contacted her 2 weeks later - she told me she had moved on and it was over...

 

anyway - my story is long and boring...

 

this **** sucks... i dunno what to do... i love her - i miss her everyday - my logic tells me it was financial stress, family issues... and so many other things that made it hard and stressful for me.. and i did not appreciate what an amaizng person i had...

 

**** happens sometimes...

 

will she ever come back? probably not - but all i know is... I NEED to sort out issues i have... whether or not she comes back...

 

so... that's what i'm trying to focus on. Therapy, my health etc...

 

sorry - this post got long!

 

NO NO NO to the bold part.

 

1st- You're the dumper. Rules are much different . You made the move to dump her and it was your responsibility to reach out. Risk there is she didnt want it anymore. Mistake realized. She didnt want it back and you left her alone WHICH IS WHAT YOU ARE TO DO. NC wasnt the mistake. You breaking up with her was. Should have thought about it before you did it.

 

2. Its a two party system. If you want your ex back, HE/SHE WANTS TO HAVE YOU BACK TOO!!!! Again, if they dump you, then its done. If they dont want to be with you, then why keep pressuring them like you said? All you do by talking to them is making yourself look weak and only pushing them away MORE. OP realizes this I think.

 

The goal of NC isnt to try and persuade someone to realize their mistakes

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Yeah I know LOL.. maybe I need the shock.

 

I know I'm reading into everything. I shouldn't but it's killing me. I was doing so well until a week into NC and she was texting and calling me all happy and probing me to see what I was up to. So I took that as her maybe starting to miss me.

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