Leonardo_slm Posted April 5, 2014 Share Posted April 5, 2014 It's been 2 and a half years me and my girlfriend have been together (long-distance relationship). It's a long story but I will try to make it as short as possible. I'm 24 and she's 22. Before me she dated dozens of other guys and had 1 serious long term relationship (of which she came out heartbroken and almost committed suicide) while I just had 3 very short term relationships (2-3 weeks each) so she's MUCH more experienced than I am in this field. She was the one that picked up on me and not the other way around and I, unexperienced, just followed along and decided to give it a try. We only see each other once every 3 months for 2 weeks + 3 months in summer. She's the kind of girls that speak too much and about every single small details and she wants me to do as well while I'm more of an intellectual who only want to discuss interesting subjects and just hate small talk. We are very different and have really very few things in common. We have been talking to each other via Skype everyday ever since. After about 2 months of relationship she started to get very attached and whenever we were chatting it was obvious that she wanted to say something but couldn't, she went: "I wanna tell you something, ... but never mind..." and I knew that she was already in love and wanted to announce it. I didn't share the same feelings (I did like her by then) and that's where my lack of experience literally screwed me since one day I gathered all my courage and went to her and told her that I love her because I knew that she couldn't keep it any longer and I was afraid that if she realizes I don't share her feelings it would destroy the relationship while I did like her. Having done that she was very happy and said she loved me too. She even told me she wanted to marry me, can you imagine that??? After only 3 months! Slowly I started to really be annoyed by her small talk which I really hate (2-3 hours of Skype sessions everyday discussing absolutely NOTHING) so my behavior started to change spontaneously and it was obvious I don't wanna talk that much anymore so she asked me about the matter and I told her that I don't like conversing through Skype all that time. She got heartbroken but we didn't breakup. She was just too disappointed. This said she went on a crazy pissed me off and we fought over this (I still did like her, she's also really attractive). I have to mention that I was the perfect boyfriend for her, at least my attitude was and I was super loyal (even until now, I never cheated and never will). All of this, God knows how, made me love her so much even more than she did me (or so I thought) but in the same time I lost all trust I had for her. Then I became the super attached partner while she went once again on her crazy partying/drinking with her ex spree. That was it for me! And we broke up over this matter (together). It was the worst month of my life! I was heartbroken and suffering. Pure agony. After that, she talked me into coming back to her but I told her there were ground rules that have to be established: no more drinking with ex, no more dancing with all the guys in the club, etc... which she agreed on. This was 1 and a half year ago. Even after getting back together I was still hurt so I didn't really trust her. all my efforts were concentrated towards keeping her for me and taking her from going out for whatsoever reason (I know HUGE mistake) of fear of her cheating on me. One of the best ways to keep her this way is to talk to her via Skype whenever possible. So I started to want to talk to her all the time because it was the most reassuring way that she isn't cheating or meeting with other guys or whatever. I was super attached and started to be strict. Nevertheless the following year was one of the best in my life and we were both super happy. She even changed her behavior and became more mature and my trust on her started growing and growing. Life was almost perfect until one day we decided to travel abroad together for 12 days. It was the first time I LIVE with her 24/7 for 12 consecutive days. The first 4-5 days were perfect and I was thinking how happy I was to be with her but the 6th day I woke up and I felt nothing anymore. NOTHING. As if love really vanished. Overnight! Just like that! I thought it was just an impression (that was 3 months ago) so I tried to forget it and thought every thing will go back to normal. But it didn't. I simply don't love her anymore.I don't even know whether i loved her at all in the first place. Still I said I have to wait for things to change spontaneously and I couldn't talk to her about it because she's having exams and her sister's wedding + she has HUGE FINANCIAL and FAMILIAL PROBLEMS. Breaking up with her will literally DESTROY her! I do care for her though and I don't want anyone to hurt her (not to mention me). Today she finished her exams and her sister's wedding is over but she still facing so many problems. Poor girl she's going through so much. it's not Grass is greener on the other side syndrome.I have no eyes to any other girl out there. It's just that I don't feel the same and couldn't force it (I tried). I also now miss being single and want to be completely free. She doesn't suspect a thing and I don't know how I will approach the situation because either way she'll end up being hurt which I would give my life to avoid! What can I do? How am I going to tell her? Should I go on a break (NC) and see how things go? Would she accept? Please help! I've been suffering from this for 3 months already... Thank you everyone Link to post Share on other sites
Survivor12 Posted April 5, 2014 Share Posted April 5, 2014 Since you are an intellectual, I'm sure you can understand the importance of paragraphs, right? Please use them. Trying to read your post on my ipad is just too challenging. Sorry... 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Leonardo_slm Posted April 5, 2014 Author Share Posted April 5, 2014 (edited) Since you are an intellectual, I'm sure you can understand the importance of paragraphs, right? Please use them. Trying to read your post on my ipad is just too challenging. Sorry... You're very right Survivor I'm not in my normal mood and was typing with anarchy. I tried editing it but LS won't let me because it's not the most recent post. I contacted the moderators so they let me do so. I understand if you can't read it, it's too long. Thank you anyway Edited April 5, 2014 by Leonardo_slm Link to post Share on other sites
soccerrprp Posted April 5, 2014 Share Posted April 5, 2014 Love simply vanished in the air, how will I tell her I don't love her anymore? You're love didn't SIMPLY vanish in thin air. You finally allowed yourself to open up to the reality of what has been developing for a while now. You were/are no longer in denial. You tell her and start packing. That simple. You need to get out. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Survivor12 Posted April 5, 2014 Share Posted April 5, 2014 Since I only skimmed, I may have missed a lot, but from what I'm getting, you want to end a LDR with a girl you professed to love but weren't really in love with (because she is attractive & needy). My advice is this--you've already strung her on long enough so don't drag out a breakup with talk of taking a break or a period of NC. Tell her that it's just not working out for you, that your feelings have changed, and that you feel it would be best to end the relationship. Don't give her false hope by trying to sugar coat it with excuses or suggest that you can still "be friends". Let her know that it is OVER. If she asks why, tell her that your feelings have changed and you don't want to lead her on. How she handles the breakup is not your business and you are not responsible for helping her through it. If you're done, you're done. Don't respond to attempts to change your mind--you'll only prolong her pain. Let her go. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Leonardo_slm Posted April 5, 2014 Author Share Posted April 5, 2014 Thank you guys for the replies. I may have forgotten to mention that deep inside I'm also afraid that after breaking up with her I would realize what a stupid mistake I did and would want her back. I know it's extremely selfish, but after all we all think of ourselves as well. That's why I would suggest the NC to try and figure things out. I'm very confused. Thanks again Link to post Share on other sites
Author Leonardo_slm Posted April 6, 2014 Author Share Posted April 6, 2014 Any more advices will be very appreciated. Thank you everyone Link to post Share on other sites
iDrumKing Posted April 6, 2014 Share Posted April 6, 2014 I also skimmed through your post and some of the responses, but I'll give my 2 cents. Whenever you start to doubt your feeling for a partner, that shouldn't just raise a red flag, but sirens and fireworks should be going off too. If you start to slip away, and her heart is still in it then you need to speak up. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Leonardo_slm Posted April 6, 2014 Author Share Posted April 6, 2014 I also skimmed through your post and some of the responses, but I'll give my 2 cents. Whenever you start to doubt your feeling for a partner, that shouldn't just raise a red flag, but sirens and fireworks should be going off too. If you start to slip away, and her heart is still in it then you need to speak up. Thank you iDrumKing I hope this will work. I'm intending to talk to her tomorrow about it. I'm very nervous and stressed. I never had to cope with such things before in my life. But I've come to the conclusion that she'll end up hurt either way but it would hurt more if I keep on leading her on. I'm just afraid of extreme reactions as suicide or masochism. She's an extremist person. Link to post Share on other sites
iDrumKing Posted April 6, 2014 Share Posted April 6, 2014 Thank you iDrumKing I hope this will work. I'm intending to talk to her tomorrow about it. I'm very nervous and stressed. I never had to cope with such things before in my life. But I've come to the conclusion that she'll end up hurt either way but it would hurt more if I keep on leading her on. I'm just afraid of extreme reactions as suicide or masochism. She's an extremist person. Okay hear me out Leo. Seriously, it's ironic that you bring up these points because I went through the SAME thing. When I began losing sight of how I felt for my ex girlfriend, I couldn't bring myself up to it. It was tough. This was my first serious relationship and didn't exactly know if this was normal that would pass or what, but I just went about my days with her. I kept it inside and it manifested into something hideous and more problematic. One of the biggest things holding me back was the fear of her doing something to herself. I basically all she had in terms of social life. Sure she had friends but they are all away at colleges or are no longer friends. I was scared to be honest. I couldn't live with myself if I knew she did something to herself. I'm not exactly pointing to suicide, but other forms of self infliction or emotional damage. At one point I thought that I would be such jerk to her that she would break up with me... But I couldn't do that. That wasn't in my character. I looked at what I had a decided that I really did have something good going on. 2 months ago she left me. I should be happy but I was hurt. The fact that my heart wasn't in it for the X amounts of months I was in question, prevented me from giving her all of me. She lost the connection. So do yourself a favor. Cut ties now because the longer you hold out, the more pain the two of you will feel. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Grumpybutfun Posted April 6, 2014 Share Posted April 6, 2014 This wasn't love, it was limerence. Move on and release her, Grumps 5 Link to post Share on other sites
sooshi Posted April 6, 2014 Share Posted April 6, 2014 I agree with Grumpy that this was limerence(/lust/infatuation). I don't see any indications of love in your post. You said that you were the perfect boyfriend for her. Nope, you weren't. Not even close. Re-read your post again and see the red flags. You didn't love her. You got intensely possessive of her and wanted to spend all of your time talking with her to ensure she wasn't cheating on you or spending time with other guys. You said that you spent hours talking about "NOTHING." Nope. Not love. It never was. Yes, she'll be hurt when you break up with her, but you're both better off. A relationship lacking in love isn't healthy, and you both deserve to be in a mutually loving relationship. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Leonardo_slm Posted April 6, 2014 Author Share Posted April 6, 2014 Okay hear me out Leo. Seriously, it's ironic that you bring up these points because I went through the SAME thing. When I began losing sight of how I felt for my ex girlfriend, I couldn't bring myself up to it. It was tough. This was my first serious relationship and didn't exactly know if this was normal that would pass or what, but I just went about my days with her. I kept it inside and it manifested into something hideous and more problematic. One of the biggest things holding me back was the fear of her doing something to herself. I basically all she had in terms of social life. Sure she had friends but they are all away at colleges or are no longer friends. I was scared to be honest. I couldn't live with myself if I knew she did something to herself. I'm not exactly pointing to suicide, but other forms of self infliction or emotional damage. At one point I thought that I would be such jerk to her that she would break up with me... But I couldn't do that. That wasn't in my character. I looked at what I had a decided that I really did have something good going on. 2 months ago she left me. I should be happy but I was hurt. The fact that my heart wasn't in it for the X amounts of months I was in question, prevented me from giving her all of me. She lost the connection. So do yourself a favor. Cut ties now because the longer you hold out, the more pain the two of you will feel. Thanks again iDK that's exactly what I've been going through. I think there is no other way than to be honest and reveal everything to her. She deserves to know. I also want her to turn the page and move on as soon as possible. I'm sure I'll miss her on the long run though. I hope you're feeling better my friend. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Leonardo_slm Posted April 6, 2014 Author Share Posted April 6, 2014 I agree with Grumpy that this was limerence(/lust/infatuation). I don't see any indications of love in your post. You said that you were the perfect boyfriend for her. Nope, you weren't. Not even close. Re-read your post again and see the red flags. You didn't love her. You got intensely possessive of her and wanted to spend all of your time talking with her to ensure she wasn't cheating on you or spending time with other guys. You said that you spent hours talking about "NOTHING." Nope. Not love. It never was. Yes, she'll be hurt when you break up with her, but you're both better off. A relationship lacking in love isn't healthy, and you both deserve to be in a mutually loving relationship. Hi sooshi and thanks for replying. I did believe it was love, at a certain point I was sure this is the person I want to spend the rest of my life with. But now I don't even know whether it was actually love or not. I couldn't find an answer to that one. I mean why would I be this insanely jealous and attached if there was no love going on? Could limerence go this far and last this long? It's intriguing... Link to post Share on other sites
sooshi Posted April 6, 2014 Share Posted April 6, 2014 If you loved her, you wouldn't have been insanely jealous or try to restrict her from who she spends time with. You would have trusted her. Infatuation would cause those feelings of jealousy, and yes, it can last a long time. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Leonardo_slm Posted April 6, 2014 Author Share Posted April 6, 2014 If you loved her, you wouldn't have been insanely jealous or try to restrict her from who she spends time with. You would have trusted her. Infatuation would cause those feelings of jealousy, and yes, it can last a long time. I hope you're right sooshi otherwise I would realize what a mistake I've done when it's too late. But I can't stay like this either. I deserve to suffer more than her in this. Link to post Share on other sites
sooshi Posted April 6, 2014 Share Posted April 6, 2014 There's no need to be so hard on yourself, leonardo. I think that many relationships are built on infatuation rather than love. At least you seem to be willing to accept that you were infatuated with this girl. You did the right thing by ending the relationship. Learn from it. Realize that you have problems with jealousy and work through it. You need some time to be on your own. You're hurting in your own way; don't wish more suffering upon yourself. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Leonardo_slm Posted April 6, 2014 Author Share Posted April 6, 2014 There's no need to be so hard on yourself, leonardo. I think that many relationships are built on infatuation rather than love. At least you seem to be willing to accept that you were infatuated with this girl. You did the right thing by ending the relationship. Learn from it. Realize that you have problems with jealousy and work through it. You need some time to be on your own. You're hurting in your own way; don't wish more suffering upon yourself. Thank you. All of you guys were very helpful Link to post Share on other sites
conf Posted April 6, 2014 Share Posted April 6, 2014 (edited) The first time you doubted your feelings was after she talked about marriage. The second time was when you were with her for 4-5 consecutives days. I m sure these days you pictured yourself living all your life with her. If we take into account and your pulling-pushing behavior, then it screams that you are commitment-phobic (Maybe cause your are young and this is your first relationship aka GIGS or maybe cause this is an aspect of your personallity). You almost said it: "I also now miss being single and want to be completely free". I guess you will break up (push), she will move on and you will return to this site and open a thread with title "I dumped her and want her back" (pull) :S PS. Grass is greener syndrome is not about leaving someone for someone else. It's the unwilligness to settle down. You may have the best partner in the world but you want to be single and be able to date others. You want to sow your wild oats. Usually the someone else plays the role of a catalyst, and he is not prerequisite in order to characterize a situation as GIGS So dont exclude it as option Edited April 6, 2014 by conf Link to post Share on other sites
Author Leonardo_slm Posted April 6, 2014 Author Share Posted April 6, 2014 I guess you will break up (push), she will move on and you will return to this site and open a thread with title "I dumped her and want her back" (pull) :S Well that's what I've been afraid of. But there's no other way to find out, is there? . I just know for sure that I just can't stay like that because I'm very unhappy while in breaking up it would be a 50/50 chance: either I congratulate myself on making the right decision or I'll be wanting her back. That's why I have to take the risk and see what happens... Link to post Share on other sites
conf Posted April 6, 2014 Share Posted April 6, 2014 Well that's what I've been afraid of. But there's no other way to find out, is there? . I just know for sure that I just can't stay like that because I'm very unhappy while in breaking up it would be a 50/50 chance: either I congratulate myself on making the right decision or I'll be wanting her back. That's why I have to take the risk and see what happens... No... Unfortunately there is no other way... It's part of you growing up... As a result in the future you will know who you are and what do you want. There will be no wishy-washiness 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Leonardo_slm Posted April 6, 2014 Author Share Posted April 6, 2014 Well I just did it. But I couldn't just end it. She suggested a NC and I could only agree. She took it very bad though. She's crying her eyes out right now. Surprisingly I don't feel any better right now. I don't know if I'm feeling terrible because I hurt her and made her cry or because I'm starting to regret already. I hope it's the former. Link to post Share on other sites
iDrumKing Posted April 6, 2014 Share Posted April 6, 2014 Well I just did it. But I couldn't just end it. She suggested a NC and I could only agree. She took it very bad though. She's crying her eyes out right now. Surprisingly I don't feel any better right now. I don't know if I'm feeling terrible because I hurt her and made her cry or because I'm starting to regret already. I hope it's the former. You hurt because you actually have some decency and respect. It's very good that you took this step. We will support you. Just don't go back out of guilt. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Leonardo_slm Posted April 6, 2014 Author Share Posted April 6, 2014 You hurt because you actually have some decency and respect. It's very good that you took this step. We will support you. Just don't go back out of guilt. Thank you very much iDK. I hope you're right. I just want my feelings to be clear so I can actually discriminate what I'm really feeling. The last thing I need is an interfering guilt which would somehow manage to disguise as missing her. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Leonardo_slm Posted April 7, 2014 Author Share Posted April 7, 2014 Hi again guys, I'm feeling a bit better but too guilty (even though I'm not regretting at all, I know I made the right decision) and seeing the state in which I left her I feel like I should at least text her just to see how she's doing. Nothing more. Only one text. What do you guys think? Will it make her feel better to know that I do care how she feels or will it just be misinterpreted as me starting to regret? Thanks Link to post Share on other sites
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