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The Slow Fade + NC = No Chance?


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My boyfriend of 3 years ended our relationship about 3 months ago, at the end of a rough semester. We are both students. I was starting my 1L year at law school, and he is in the process of finishing up undergrad, at the same university. Everything was great up until the school year started, and it all just seemed to go downhill. I loved him so much, and I also wanted to be able to focus on law school, but made time so I could go out about once a week with him, and he was dealing with some recurring mental health issues. Somewhere in there, I think he may have met someone who urged him to do what was easier, to let go of our relationship, and move on (to her.)

 

When we broke off, I knew we needed some time to evaluate what was going on, because we were both in the middle of super stressful situations, and I feel that if we hadn’t been in the middle of those situations we wouldn’t have broken up. Anyway. I needed the time for me, because during those three months I was very aware something was going wrong between us, but couldn’t put the energy toward solving it, because it didn’t seem solvable from my end, and I had other things to deal with– and I trusted him to be able to handle his life while we went through this tough phase, because I thought things would be better between us as soon as we got through the temporary stressors. But he broke things off before I had the chance to really evaluate what was going on. He wanted to end it, so I let him go. We haven’t talked, save two messages (from me) a couple weeks ago.

 

He’s now in a relationship with this new girl-they became official about six weeks after we broke up (but two weeks off of winter break, and he works 10-12 hour shifts in a restaurant 6 days a week during the break- So I don’t know how often they saw or talked to each other during the first four weeks. I shouldn’t care, but it seems relevant). I am here, trying to get on with my life. My problem is that I wanted some space, but I didn’t, and still to some extent, want to let go. I have dated a few other people since then, but am not rushing into a relationship. I want to work on some of my other stuff, like school and my friends. But each day it seems to hurt and still feels empty even though I am trying to move on. I just feel very frustrated for what I am going through because I feel that the timing was very wrong, (On a scale of wanting him back it fluctuates between a 4-6 out of ten most days), that I let my personal project (law school and being driven to succeed in general), get in the way of things I really love, and I ended up losing something very precious because of it.

 

That old relationship is gone, but I kind of want to rebuild with him, maybe in a few months, because I thought the timing was crappy. I also want to date (maybe other people) again, but not right now. This ambivalence is frustrating, because I feel like it may be holding me back. Since then, I have been trying to move on by starting new hobbies, trying to get focused again with school, make new friends, getting help for my depressive state, live life fully, etc… I also feel frustrated because it has been three months of me trying to move on, and I don’t feel like anything has changed, except that I’ve lost someone I loved. I feel very empty. After three months, you’d think that this emptiness would recede, because I am trying to be better every day, for my own sake.

 

What advice can you give me? How can I let go and move on while still hoping that he will come back? What should I do if he comes back while I am trying to let go? Should I contemplate giving him another chance if he comes back? How can I reconcile wanting him to come back with wanting to let go of the difficulties I’ve gone through? Is this getting in the way of healing ? How can I feel better about life, and reclaim balance?

 

tl;dr: Mixed feelings about an ex. I want him back. I also want to let go. It's driving me nuts!

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brokenheart94

Im going through a similar situation, in my case she broke up with me and got a bf a day after our break up. I try my best to move on whilst at the back of my mind wanting to get her back... I feel depressed knowing that the person who ive loved and given so much effort to doesnt even want anything to do with me anymore :( this deep empty feeling i get every morning throughout he day is just a killer!. Its only been a month since our break up however and i feel as though i wont get over this soon jus cuz i cant let go of them fully. I guess all we can do now is just keep our head up and stay strong! all the best x

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Im going through a similar situation, in my case she broke up with me and got a bf a day after our break up. I try my best to move on whilst at the back of my mind wanting to get her back... I feel depressed knowing that the person who ive loved and given so much effort to doesnt even want anything to do with me anymore :( this deep empty feeling i get every morning throughout he day is just a killer!. Its only been a month since our break up however and i feel as though i wont get over this soon jus cuz i cant let go of them fully. I guess all we can do now is just keep our head up and stay strong! all the best x

 

You're gonna get to the point where you're exhausted from feeling the way you do. I've also been on the roller coaster ride for the last two month and I can tell you that I was so tired of hoping, mourning, crying, etc. I decided to let go.

 

Am I completely over it? No. But do I choose to move on? YES.

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Im going through a similar situation, in my case she broke up with me and got a bf a day after our break up.

 

BH,

 

She did NOT get a bf a day after your break up. Unless he was pay-to-play, there is no way in hell she is meeting someone and becoming besties and calling each other bf and gf "a day" after she dumped you.

 

She was seeing this guy for a while before dumping you. Probably weeks and/or months before. When your relationship officially ended, she officially went public with the guy.

 

The quicker a dumped individual gets this important piece of info digested, the quicker they can move on and head straight for that anger stage everyone covets so much.

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I dated a guy 3.25 years. It was wonderful except for the last .25 years, where everything just seemed to fall apart. We were both taking from the relationship, and couldn't deal with our own problems and the other's at the same time. My problems were temporary, and all I wanted to do was make it through them, with him by my side. I was 100% committed to the relationship but I could tell he was emotionally checking out, though. And he did. So I let him go, with the hope that he would realize that the problems were temporary and would come back. I went NC, because if we were going to work out our problems we needed some time apart to think. I thought he would come back, even though we said we were done.

 

6 weeks later, he's with this girl (who looks oddly like me) who's the local newspaper editor, and he's joined the paper. Which is so strange, because his goal has been to get out of town and onto grad school, and with this new hobby it doesn't seem to mesh. But anyway, I know he met her before we broke up, because he mentioned joining the paper once while we were still together.

 

It destroyed me. He has this new girl, and I am here with nothing. I know I don't want a relationship right now, because I am not in a good place. Dating has been really strange, and I just don't feel ready. That should be enough. I don't think I will be ready for a few months. However, I feel like I would take him back if he came back in that interim pleading begging and apoligizing and had the actions to support that he was really committed. And I feel like an idiot because I feel like this.

 

I've talked to him twice since we broke up, both initiated by me. Once was nice, cordial. The next day I talked to him again through text, because he was nice once. I flattered him and was super nice and he was cordial, but I felt like an idiot after wards. So I've stopped. I am not contacting him of my own volition, again. It's been two weeks.

 

I just feel so frustrated because he has this new relationship. I have nothing. I've worked so hard to try to forget him, but he keeps popping up in my head, even in my "safe refuges". NC doesn't seem to be enough. I've taken up new hobbies, made new friends, gone to see therapists, worked on school. But school is boring, stressful, and frustrating, and not fun anymore. I just still feel like an idiot because I am still stressed out about this after three months and it doesn't seem to be getting any better. I want to do better. So much better. Any suggestions would be appreciated.

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The problem is, you're still in the "it's not over until it's over" mode.

 

You haven't really broken up in your mind.

I think you were looking upon your separation as 'A break', whereas he took it as 'THE break.'

 

So in your mind, it's almost like he's 2-timing you.

 

I would never, ever advocate breaking NC.

But actually, this is a weird one.

 

do you feel up to talking to him about this?

 

(That's assuming I'm anywhere near the mark with my initial observations....)

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I do not feel up to talking to him about this, because I do not feel it would do any good for me to sort it out. The old relationship is done. He has moved on to this new person. The break up was "mutual". I don't know if there is anything left to be resolved, really. Aside from what I am feeling.

 

I suspect he may be hiding his feelings in this new relationship, and it's going to come back to bite him at some point. But I don't know. I am not a mind reader. He may be tormented. He may not be. I am not going to torment him further.

 

I am just trying to move on to whatever is "next", and feel like I have stalled in the process because I feel like whatever is "next" is a long way away, and I don't think I am doing the process right to get there.

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To me, it's simple:

You can't move onto the next thing, if you refuse to let go of the last one.

Even if it's a subconscious thing, something within you is still saying "hang on....."

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I agree with you, yes it is simple, but by no means is it easy! :)

 

I don't know what to do to make it better, simply trying to let go and actively acknowledging that it is done just doesn't seem to be working.

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Have you considered hypnotherapy....?

 

No kidding....

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If it is something I can do at home on my own I would be game for it. I don't know any active hypnotherapists in my sparsely populated area.

 

It's weird because I think having a new relationship would help me heal, but I want to take this on the right way, and if dating feels awkward it's like what's the point... I want this to go and I want it gone yesterday!

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Three months after a three year relationship is nothing. Be patient, carry on with one step in front of the other.

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If it is something I can do at home on my own I would be game for it. I don't know any active hypnotherapists in my sparsely populated area.

 

It's weird because I think having a new relationship would help me heal, but I want to take this on the right way, and if dating feels awkward it's like what's the point... I want this to go and I want it gone yesterday!

 

Don't try to use a new relationship to heal you. I think the title of your thread says it all, "limbo." I can see you were left with confusion and a lot of questions, and I feel for you. The only thing to be done is to accept they it's over though that is easier said than done.

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I think you're choosing wisely to give yourself time before you date again. You know you have things to work on and you and your future partner will be glad that you worked through those things before being with them. It's hard when someone else "moves on" before you do. I'm sure he would've felt the same way as you do if the roles were reversed.

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As previously mentioned in the first post. I have contacted this guy twice, first through text. Then the next day through facebook when I saw he was online. The second time, I was working on a project that I didn't like too much at the time, missing him, and was so pissed I wanted to just get up and drive off somewhere. Uncharacteristic of me, but it was typical behavior for him. So I reached out and asked where he'd go if he wanted to run away. He mentioned a place he and I planned on going. I told him we had made plans there, once, and was still a good idea for a destination. He mentioned that this was a character change. I told him things were different, he brought out the spontenaety in me, and I was just trying to plan something fun. I also thanked him for taking a mental vacation before logging off.

 

After this, I felt like an idiot. I didn't feel like I was being true to me, and it felt like a crappy way to leave things hanging with him, rather than the cordial text the night before, or the night of the break up- where we parted as friends.

 

Tell me, although I feel like I know the answer, is there any way or reason I should let him know that I am a better person than this, and I've made leaps and bounds since 3 months ago, and life is good? Or should no contact do all the talking?

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Figured that would be the answer. I feel so down about it, kinda embarrassed really. All this talk about who holds the power... I feel like I've lost it with him. But that doesn't mean I can't regain it with myself by doing NC for my own recovery.

 

Break ups suck, and I appreciate all of your guys' thoughts.

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Dumped 3 months ago after a 3.25 year relationship. He has a new girlfriend, about 1.5 months now. I still feel lost, and like I am trying to pick up the pieces of my life, because I've been an emotional trainwreck for a month and a half, so my work is suffering, and now I am suffering because my work is suffering.

 

I feel like I can't let go. I thought I could just let him go like a bunch of balloons into the sky. Sailing away happily with the wind, leaving behind a small smile on my face with the satisfaction that while it was good having him for awhile, he's now gone.

 

I fear him coming back, for whatever reason. I know it is so very unlikely, because what we had was resolved. It was a relationship that truly ran it's course. It's like I want him back and don't want him back, because he broke my heart. Left me drained and empty. He wouldn't be able to exert the effort necessary to put back together what he broke if he wanted to fix us.

 

I feel like if he can't get what he needs out of this new girl, he may try to come back if he starts to idealize what we had. Like I wanted to go back to him when I idealized us for a while after the break up. I can't stand the thought of what would happen if he came back, because it would put me in a tough spot- because even after all that happened, I still love him.

 

I don't know what to do. I've gone completely no contact. I want no contact. His only connection to me right now is that he lives down the hall in the same house as my younger brother. And they dislike each other. So it's an avoidable contact, on my part at least. I am going out and living my life, trying new things, and having fun when I have the chance to get away from work. Trying to work. Work is consuming, and it sucks because I am so far behind. I don't know how I can catch up. All of my drive is gone, and I just can't get it back. This has taken a toll on me, and I am officially diagnosed with depression. I don't know what else I can do at this point to make my mixed feelings subside. Am I really moving on from this?

 

This is just a vent. Any suggestions or affirmations would be most helpful.

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You've recognized and acknowledged that the relationship had run its course. Keep that in mind that you know this.

 

It's hard, because he was the one who ended it. If you were the one who had done it, you may not be feeling this awful. The feeling of rejection stings.

 

You mentioned that he wouldn't be able to put forth the necessary effort to "fix" what you had. This leads me to think that he doesn't love you or care for you with the depth that one would have who would be willing to work through things. Hearing that may hurt, and you may not see it now, but it's a blessing! You deserve to be with someone who really is willing to put forth the effort to work through things. You deserve to be truly, fully loved.

 

You say that you want no contact, and I think that's a good sign! It means you're willing to let go (even if it doesn't always feel like it) and that you want to heal. I think it's been hurting more because he went into a relationship so soon following the breakup, and it might make you feel like you didn't really mean much to him at all, or that the relationship didn't mean anything to him.

 

But know that it DID mean something to him, and that you were important to him. 3.25 is a good chunk of time to be with someone. He cared about you, he cherished you. Things change though, and people change. Feelings change, thoughts change. It really sucks when it's with someone who you've truly loved, but hopefully you can be satisfied with the knowledge that if he really, truly cares and loves you and wants to be with you, he would've put forth more energy into making things work with you. But sometimes things really do run their course.

 

You're going out and doing new things and living your life. I know it's hard because your relationship with this guy is always lingering in your mind. But you're still doing what you can to heal. It's hard now, and it may be hard for a while longer. But you're getting there.

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Thank you Sooshi, I appreciate your kind thoughts. This forum has really helped me work through some of the crap that I'm dealing with.

 

This new girl entered the picture to some degree before the relationship ended, and I feel like even though we were going through a tough time, he would have tried to stick with me because we loved each other and were just hitting the comfortable stage of the relationship and didn't know how to deal with it because the feces hit the whirlling blades in both of our personal lives.

 

Instead, the last month or so I got a lot of "Well, I think you're sticking with me because you just feel too comfortable." Well, no SIHT. Relationships are supposed to feel comfortable and natural, even if they have their bumps. It's called being resilient and working through the bumps.

 

Had a dream the other night that the other girl came to me, crying because she didn't understand him. But the new girl really shouldn't matter. If he's using her or actually does love her, could be both, It doesn't matter. I'll never F-*king know what we could have been. Actually, I do know. His love wasn't strong enough at the time, (I was absolutely nuts about him, even when he was going through his problems.)

 

We would probably have faced the same problem down the road because he is conflict avoidant, and if someone can't handle HIS problems or provide a distraction for him while the problem festers, he's going to try and find something else to fill his time. It's unfortunate because he's the type that can never be satisfied. Sigh. Such is life. This is so hard not to dwell on.

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I can relate. I was crazy about my ex-fiance. Not necessarily in love all the time, but I loved him with an immense depth, something I had never experienced for another individual before.

 

You're right, it doesn't matter why he's with this girl, and that you'll never know what you two could have been. And you're right that his love wasn't strong enough at the time. Like your ex, my ex-fiance had problems that even he couldn't deal with. He is also is restless and insatiably unfulfilled, it seems. Your ex wasn't able to reciprocate your love for him, perhaps because of the chaos he had to endure within himself. It's hard to feel love when you're in a mess.

 

Yep, relationship almost inevitably face bumps and require resilience. He couldn't deal with that, though. It sounds like he did himself (and this girl) a disservice by going into a relationship so soon (even though he knew this other while you were still together), because he still has a lot to work on, and his problems will likely manifest and this new relationship will likely not work out, either.

 

I know it's hard not to dwell on. I continue to think about my ex-fiance a whole lot, even though I know logically that I dodged a bullet. He was still an important part of my life for years, and now I'm not even a part of his life. It's hard to let go completely. It's hard when you still love someone, which it seems like you still do with your ex. But it also sounds like you dodged a bullet as well. <3

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Having another tough morning. Things just feel so sad. I woke up with a feeling on my lips as though he had just kissed me. It's been so many months. The last time we kissed, we had just fought, and I had said some things that I regretted, and still regret to this day. Emotions were running high at the time. But love isn't supposed to hurt like that. When we broke up, we just hugged each other goodbye.

 

3 months, ten days since the break up. 19 days since the last text of desperation. We are almost a year to the day that I think the first obvious crack (to me), appeared in our relationship. It's funny to think I didn't do anything about it at the time.

 

I'd want to think he'd welcome contact from me, but what does it matter? New girlfriend. She's handling his problems. If she's not handling his problems, he's still just avoiding them. They're not mine to deal with. Sooshi, you were right, I dodged a bullet. It's funny to think that 3 months and 11 days ago, I kind of wanted the bullet to hit me right between the eyeballs.

 

I want to hope that by going back to class and resuming my normal schedule with a new attitude, that I have to focus or else, will help. But it hasn't helped in the last two months. I feel so behind with class, and the only way to catch up is to just read ahead for the rest of the semester, and then work my way back to what I missed in my funk. It feels so overwhelming, like the urge to contact him.

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Something that's been on my mind for the last few days: We couldn't be together a lot in the last few months of our relationship because of our busy schedules, and we were talking maybe twice a week, tops. Once to set up a date, one date. Maybe an "I love you" or "How's your day" text sprinkled in. Usually those dates ended in disappointment. So obviously, it was a slow trainwreck that ended in a break up.

 

A lot of dumpees hope for a chance at reconciliation, and the best shot at that is no contact (with the intention of forgetting them, but let's be honest. You have a teeny tiny mustard seed of hope that's keeping you there.), to give them a chance to miss you. But what if you weren't really present for a while before that?

 

You'd think that your chances of reconciliation were drastically reduced. Maybe it is. Thoughts?

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Yes, I would also think that chances of reconciliation would be drastically reduced if you weren't really present for a while before the no contact. Just remember that relationships are a two-way street, and what you described does sound like it was a slow trainwreck. You were both so busy and had chosen on some level that the relationship wasn't as much as a priority as school and other parts of your lives.

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I don't know what you mean about "other parts of your lives", his maybe, but not mine, really. :) I was working 5 am-10pm 6 days a week, but on Saturday 8 am-5 pm. And we'd go out at 6 pm. Healthy for anythng? Absolutely not. But I got the grades I deserved for the amount of effort. With him, I tried my hardest to be there 100%. However, he just withdrew and it got harder, because it sparked uncertainty in me, and perpetuated the vicious cycle. I only needed to put forth the effort for that one semester... and I told him it was going to be different this semester.

 

Whatever. I keep having these revelations about how different life is, and what I've learned from what happened and taken to heart. I keep wanting to show him this, and it's ridiculous because he wants nothing to do with me. And I know that he's just doing the same thing he always does; it just doesn't look like he's been hit the same way I have by the force of our collapse. Alone we stand, together we fall apart.

 

Sigh.

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