Impact of breakup? Self view? Addiction

[melell]

It has been a long time since my break up. Over it all, and happier than I have been in years, but...

 

I have noticed that I have a really negative view of my personality that I didn't have before. It isn't that it interferes with my self worth, but makes think of myself as not so appealing.

 

I was with someone for over 7 years, and in that time there were a fair amount of bad times. Some of the things that were said to me ended up being said 100's of times. Things like I am cynical, boring, judgmental, controlling, critical, manipulative, 'ice queen'- hearing it over an over again for years..

 

My ex was a drug addict. So I would get 'boring' because I wouldn't go on drug binges, 'controlling' for asking them to not. They would try to change, but completely turn on me when they wanted to use again, one moment I would get praise for being supportive and helpful, the next I would be called 'critical' and 'manipulative' for saying the exact same things I was praised for.

 

For the last year together these things weren't said as much, I had given up, so less arguments. But all of those things really stuck with me, like they were ingrained in my view of myself.

 

In starting to see someone else I have noticed that I am pretty insecure about it, always thinking I am boring/negative/controlling, I never ever viewed myself like that before. I have asked my (brutally honest) siblings if they thought that of my personality, and they say not at all, but I still can't shake thinking it- or thinking that my ex knew me so well they must be right.

 

I really noticed it when a friend got me to do this personality quiz recently (she is a psyc major), and I was busy ticking everything in the negatives section, but really struggled to select positives. The friend was a bit taken back. I was kind of embarrassed that she was so shocked.

 

What is going on here? How can I improve it?

Edited March 11, 2014 by melell

[Haydn]

Have you tried not to question so many things? Just go with it and see where it takes you? I was constantly carped at by my ex and it made me question so much about myself. But now i am much more relaxed and try not to put up any walls. But yes i do SOMETIME question why someone could think those things about me.........(Why i was so painfully nice)

 

 

It has been a long time since my break up. Over it all, and happier than I have been in years, but...

 

I have noticed that I have a really negative view of my personality that I didn't have before. It isn't that it interferes with my self worth, but makes think of myself as not so appealing.

 

I was with someone for over 7 years, and in that time there were a fair amount of bad times. Some of the things that were said to me ended up being said 100's of times. Things like I am cynical, boring, judgmental, controlling, critical, manipulative, 'ice queen'- hearing it over an over again for years..

 

My ex was a drug addict. So I would get 'boring' because I wouldn't go on drug binges, 'controlling' for asking them to not. They would try to change, but completely turn on me when they wanted to use again, one moment I would get praise for being supportive and helpful, the next I would be called 'critical' and 'manipulative' for saying the exact same things I was praised for.

 

For the last year together these things weren't said as much, I had given up, so less arguments. But all of those things really stuck with me, like they were ingrained in my view of myself.

 

In starting to see someone else I have noticed that I am pretty insecure about it, always thinking I am boring/negative/controlling, I never ever viewed myself like that before. I have asked my (brutally honest) siblings if they thought that of my personality, and they say not at all, but I still can't shake thinking it- or thinking that my ex knew me so well they must be right.

 

I really noticed it when a friend got me to do this personality quiz recently (she is a psyc major), and I was busy ticking everything in the negatives section, but really struggled to select positives. The friend was a bit taken back. I was kind of embarrassed that she was so shocked.

 

What is going on here? How can I improve it?

[melell]

Have you tried not to question so many things? Just go with it and see where it takes you? I was constantly carped at by my ex and it made me question so much about myself. But now i am much more relaxed and try not to put up any walls. But yes i do SOMETIME question why someone could think those things about me.........(Why i was so painfully nice)

 

Thanks Haydn. I just hate to think that I have a negative view of myself as a result of one person in my past. It isn't that I am putting walls up, more that I will go into a situation and think 'we won't enjoy this, I am really boring', but based on nothing other than what my ex had said to me. It is really ridiculous.

Normally I do question things, but am pretty nonchalant about the answer. With this I am a little disturbed by it, like it makes me feel a bit uncomfortable with myself.

[Haydn]

There can be a bit of a positive with being sightly uncomfortable with ones-self. It can be quirky and attractive and can invite cynicism but that may lead to being really interesting. But yes one person can make us feel this way. I can be walking proof, especially on Tuesdays. That particular person who we let in, knew how to wield the knife. Best move on to Wednesday. But i get this M. Very honest post. Thank you for it.

 

Thanks Haydn. I just hate to think that I have a negative view of myself as a result of one person in my past. It isn't that I am putting walls up, more that I will go into a situation and think 'we won't enjoy this, I am really boring', but based on nothing other than what my ex had said to me. It is really ridiculous.

Normally I do question things, but am pretty nonchalant about the answer. With this I am a little disturbed by it, like it makes me feel a bit uncomfortable with myself.

[Assasda]

Well is being critical , boring and cynical such bad things.

 

Those sound like awesome things. I personally like critical people, its a breath of fresh air.

cynical means, that you can laugh at things that are too serious for their own good.

Boring, means you are stable

but boring, plus cynical, means you are cool.

 

Eh.... Everything in doses always gets the job done

[jphcbpa]

Did you ever get to Alanon to take care of you and self love?

 

If not, you are still untreated and should take a look at that program. It will help you tremendously...yes, even if you are not still with him...you have been affected by his "disease".