Jump to content

Left an emotional affair, and feeling the hurt.


Recommended Posts

Here is my circumstance.

 

I'm having a lot of pain from leaving an emotional affair. I'm 27. I was a single guy outside the relationship.

 

From the get go, we had instant attraction, but since I knew she had a boyfriend, I told her once I began to think about her all the time, that I don't deal with girls in relationships, and that I needed to go. She said she respected that, and she thought about me too, but she wanted to offer friendship.

I would leave and got back in touch several times, repeatedly, over a year. After a bit of thinking, I decided to drop my morals and see if there could be more, since we were unable to leave each other alone. At this point, it was mostly emailing.

I told her if things got hairy for me, as in, I fell in love and it was unrequited, I would go.

 

We spent more time together and we got along like a house of fire. Her boyfriend was not happy and he starting kicking up a fuss. I tried to talk to her about it but she kept avoiding the issue. Obviously she was getting her cake and eating it too, and didn't want that to change. She said her bf would just have to get used to us, because we were just friendship. I disagreed.

 

I kept my eye on it, either she was genuine or she was just wasting my time. We ended up kissing, and I told her I wanted more. She never put it in these words, but she basically said she needed more time.

 

I just saw that as lining up a boyfriend, so I pushed the issue. Either it was going to happen or it wasn't. We had an emotional affair for months. Her official words were, we were friends, but her behaviour and actions spoke differently. We were very kind to each other and spent every day texting, hanging out at every opportunity, getting really close. Then she turned hot and cold, possibly from the guilt. I called her up on it, then she started pushing me away hard by showing complete disinterest. I pointed that out to her too, and I told her I was going to leave her alone since she was acting like she didn't want me around. I took it as she had subconsciously made her choice and it wasn't me, or she was pushing me away because she didn't want to face it. She blamed her behaviour on stress, and said she would miss me soon enough. Kept texting me.

 

I took the summer alone and thought the whole thing through. I was in love with her. We were on the fast track to somewhere romantic with high stakes. We started talking about our views on children, places to live, and ours goals completely matched. To make matters worst, I started getting thoughts that I wanted a future with her. I knew she was confused, liked having the best of both of her men, I also knew she liked her stability enough to stay with her bf even though they didn't want the same things, city, children etc.

I didn't know what I was going to do. I had to make a decision about whether to take a job offer in another city. I was actually losing the plot, so, I decided it was either happening or I'm moving on.

 

Then out of the blue she told me she wanted to move to another city (coincidently the city I had the job offer), but was trying to get her bf to move with her. I took that as a nail in the coffin, and said it was goodbye. She was reeling from it, and kind of acted like a child, and got a bit mad. I told her how I felt, and that she had enough time with me to know what I was like, that I wanted a future with her, that we didn't have a healthy friendship since it was becoming hard for me, and it was time for me to go if she's not serious.

 

I thought she might have acknowledged what was between us, even if she didn't want to do anything about it, but instead she just flatly denied everything. I thought that was pretty damn ****ing harsh. I said she was always showing interest when I leave and was showing disinterest when I got close. That I deserved better.

 

She never replied. She came into my work once and hung around, but I was confused. I think she just wanted to gauge where I was at. We had very small talk, and she just walked out, possibly out of my life.

 

Rationally, I have made mental plans to move on. Honest to god, this is the hardest thing I've had to process. Leaving someone who was growing to be my best friend, and someone for the first time, I felt I seriously wanted everything with. I'm very much aware of the fantasy aspect of this situation...but it could all be real. And THAT is what breaks my heart. The last few days, I've been faced with the issue of whether I am willing to let this go. My mind says I ought to, but my heart doesn't agree. But in this situation, I've said what I've needed to say, and it makes sense to go make the most of my time.

 

I've almost accepted it as something I would have to live with. There has been no contact for a month or so, and it's hitting me the hardest now.

 

Any insights or thoughts is welcome. Did I give up on a friendship? Did I do the right thing by removing myself from the situation?

 

Thanks for reading through.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Do you really want a relationship with someone who cheats on her partner with you? That tells you the kind of woman she is. Find available single women to fall in love with. Trust me, she is not worth feeling heartbroken over.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I have been to where you are OP, I can relate to your feelings, all I can say is, hang in there, because you are doing the right thing by pulling away.

 

What the other poster said is true, if she could do it to her current bf, what makes you to think she won't do it to you? Past behavior is always the best indicator of future behavior.

 

I know what you might say, the feeling with her you have, that you never felt with anyone else before, it feels so strong, the connection and everything.. However, remember one thing, she has not left her bf for you, and there is a reason for it, the connection you guys have is just not strong enough for her to choose you over the bf. You need to face that, and remove her from that pedestal.

 

You mentioned she is having her cake and eating it too. And you know what? you allowed her to do it. By walking away, you set boundaries for her, you are telling her now, that you don't want to be her cheating partner, you respect yourself, and the bf enough to walk away. If she ever, really like you that much as she has shown in the past, she will end that relationship first, then get involved with you, that is what a decent person should be doing.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...