here I am again

[malin819]

I’m here again but with a lesson for myself and people here

I’ll say that my previous threads will show you that I had a bad toxic relationship but I was really thinking that after I was done it would not follow me around till the last few weeks.

 

After I ended it with my ex I met a beautiful young caring girl. I can truly say that everything was perfect and it was a relationship we could have made a movie about. In the beginning, I cheated on her but we weren’t official and she was mature enough to sit with me and try to reason my actions. Plain and simple I had no self-esteem and was thinking I didn’t deserve her. I gained her trust back but now was afraid that she would want revenge on me. This plus my low self-esteem triggered jealousy and I started being manipulative. I was afraid when she would go out in bars with her friends and have a good time. I always wanted to know where and what she was doing. I became a control freak and I assume all responsibilities. Of course we drifted apart and I didn't listen to her or my family to seek help.

 

About a month ago, it was my friend birthday and we all went out and drank a little bit too much. At the bar there was an old fling of her that previously said comments on me and my girlfriend. She already knew I didn’t like that person but she went and talked to him. I don’t recall the evening but my friends did say I went over there and pushed her away from the guy. This was physical violence IMO but I would have never done anything like this sober. I stopped drinking completely from that moment. Keep in mind we did have a good relationship and had fun but every time I would be jealous it took a little piece away from her.

 

Now Monday night she made me read an article about manipulative boyfriend and psychological violence. I totally flipped out but after I calmed down I knew the reason…I was that guy and didn’t like I tone bit. I have become something that disgusts me. I can’t even look in the mirror anymore. She met with my mom yesterday and then they came to me. We decided it would be in our best interest to take some time. She still loves me and cares for me and said she will be there the whole path and wait for me when I’m better. I truly believe her but I right now I need to focus on myself. Her main reason for this action is to get me out of my comfort zone to actually do something about my problems.

 

You can judge me all you want but keep in mind I assume everything that happened. I’m seeing a psychologist tomorrow. Tonight I will be seeing someone from a center that helps men in my condition. I’m sick and finally realize that I need outside help

Edited February 26, 2014 by malin819

[somecamel]

I’m here again but with a lesson for myself and people here

I’ll say that my previous threads will show you that I had a bad toxic relationship but I was really thinking that after I was done it would not follow me around till the last few weeks.

 

After I ended it with my ex I met a beautiful young caring girl. I can truly say that everything was perfect and it was a relationship we could have made a movie about. In the beginning, I cheated on her but we weren’t official and she was mature enough to sit with me and try to reason my actions. Plain and simple I had no self-esteem and was thinking I didn’t deserve her. I gained her trust back but now was afraid that she would want revenge on me. This plus my low self-esteem triggered jealousy and I started being manipulative. I was afraid when she would go out in bars with her friends and have a good time. I always wanted to know where and what she was doing. I became a control freak and I assume all responsibilities. Of course we drifted apart and I didn't listen to her or my family to seek help.

 

About a month ago, it was my friend birthday and we all went out and drank a little bit too much. At the bar there was an old fling of her that previously said comments on me and my girlfriend. She already knew I didn’t like that person but she went and talked to him. I don’t recall the evening but my friends did say I went over there and pushed her away from the guy. This was physical violence IMO but I would have never done anything like this sober. I stopped drinking completely from that moment. Keep in mind we did have a good relationship and had fun but every time I would be jealous it took a little piece away from her.

 

Now Monday night she made me read an article about manipulative boyfriend and psychological violence. I totally flipped out but after I calmed down I knew the reason…I was that guy and didn’t like I tone bit. I have become something that disgusts me. I can’t even look in the mirror anymore. She met with my mom yesterday and then they came to me. We decided it would be in our best interest to take some time. She still loves me and cares for me and said she will be there the whole path and wait for me when I’m better. I truly believe her but I right now I need to focus on myself. Her main reason for this action is to get me out of my comfort zone to actually do something about my problems.

 

You can judge me all you want but keep in mind I assume everything that happened. I’m seeing a psychologist tomorrow. Tonight I will be seeing someone from a center that helps men in my condition. I’m sick and finally realize that I need outside help

 

It' pretty clear your older relationship with the previous ex has really done a number on you, did you cheat on the newer ex so she wouldn't have chance to hurt you like the one before did? Why did you even tell her?

 

It's sounds great that she wants to support you and I hope you don't push her away, you need to deal with your jealousy issues, I completely get it, my first LTR ended with her cheating on me, the first sniff of infidelity with the most recent ex of 7 years brought back all those feelings and I pushed hard and in the end made it worse.

 

Keep up with the help your getting and always come back and chat on here

[malin819]

I told her everything. Lying can only get you so far in any situation in life.

 

I cheated on her because I felt I didn't deserve a girl like her and could have a safety catch me if I was right but all this way of thinking got me no where

[somecamel]

I told her everything. Lying can only get you so far in any situation in life.

 

I cheated on her because I felt I didn't deserve a girl like her and could have a safety catch me if I was right but all this way of thinking got me no where

 

I agree that lying can only get you so far but what I read you guys had only really just started together but completely appreciate that you were honest, I do however think the reasons for you telling her were selfish.

 

You basically set yourself up for a fall thinking that because you had done it to her now, she's going to do that you and if this manifests itself any further you will end up pushing her that way anyway.

 

Take a step back, use the counsellor to discuss the issues in your previous relationship because that's where I think the problems lie.

 

Be safe

[malin819]

I agree that lying can only get you so far but what I read you guys had only really just started together but completely appreciate that you were honest, I do however think the reasons for you telling her were selfish.

 

You basically set yourself up for a fall thinking that because you had done it to her now, she's going to do that you and if this manifests itself any further you will end up pushing her that way anyway.

 

Take a step back, use the counsellor to discuss the issues in your previous relationship because that's where I think the problems lie.

 

Be safe

 

Thank you I'm meeting him tonight and seeing my psychologist tomorrow

[4everalones]

I’m seeing a psychologist tomorrow. Tonight I will be seeing someone from a center that helps men in my condition. I’m sick and finally realize that I need outside help

 

The main and most important step is to acknowledge the problem and seek help. I am glad you're making the right steps towards recovery. Sadly, many of our previous relationships are toxic and they cause a lot of damage. Good luck in your journey, I hope things will get better for you.

[malin819]

The main and most important step is to acknowledge the problem and seek help. I am glad you're making the right steps towards recovery. Sadly, many of our previous relationships are toxic and they cause a lot of damage. Good luck in your journey, I hope things will get better for you.

 

Indeed I was in denial for way too long but reality finally catched back

[malin819]

I can tell you that my days are hard without having contact with her. I feel like I'm stick between 2 words since she is giving me hope that if I get better she will come back to me but also says she will be there the whole path with me since she cares about me.

 

I'm movint out next week back to my brother's place but I'd can't be a doormat like that. I think for the meantime she wants to be friends but she is part of my problem (jealousy, emotionaly dependant, co dependant)

[malin819]

I met with a councellor yesterday and felt relieved that indeed I'm a good person but have problem with the expression of my emotions.

 

I'm still opening up to him so he can guide me and help me but its a long term process thats for sure

[malin819]

She met with her family Saturday night and they hate my guts and even if I'm doing therapy and seeing a psy they said well he will quit shortly or whatever

 

Now my ex said she is stuck between 2 worlds...she knows what she needs to do (leave me alone and see some changes) but also knows its right to stick around

 

I need an honest opinion on this I dont want to control her or manipulate her in staying with me. I want her to make a clear decision without any outside influences from my part and I will respect it.

 

She says she doesn't know if she loves me anymore but she is still attracted...its really a mind buggling me right now

[malin819]

Better giev you guys a quick update

 

I'm still doing therapy and seeing a psychologist and I'm learning to be a better person and understand why I acted certain ways

 

Me and my ex were still dating but she did some things I cannot live with. She played with my heart for a good 2 months saying we werent in a relationship but acting like we were. She was hiding me from her family and lying about me.

 

At my birthday she spent the night talking to her ex. I'm also keeping a journal and started to see some patterns. Everytime we had an argument she would see her ex or another guy. Also, when she first broke off with me she joined a dating website the same day. The next day she gave out her number to some guy at a bar and were sexting.

 

She dumped me again yesterday...I didn't bother begging but tried to understood her decision but never did. I need to take a step back and look at the facts now.

[Chi townD]

Dude, it sounds like she always had one foot out the door. She cooling her heels with you while keeping her options open and that kind of behavior isn't helping your therapy.

 

 

Forget about her and worry about yourself and getting a handle on your life. Continue to go through therapy. Work on bettering yourself.

 

 

If she tries to contact you, ignore it. You already know nothing good comes from it. You are not her friend. You didn't get into a loving and caring relationship with her to ultimately become nothing more than a really good friend to her.

 

 

Time to heal up and move on.

[Kevin_D]

I can relate to this. When I met my ex 7 years ago, I was really jealous, especially when we were out drinking. This ruined a lot of great nights together.

 

I was so sure that she would dump me. I didn't deserve her. But she was so caring and understanding. She told me that even if she doesn't like my behavior, she understands where it's coming from.

 

With time, things got better. I started to believe that actually loved me, and the jealousy was almost gone.

 

...That's when she started getting cold and finally left me for another dude, which she promised would never happen.

 

This has actually happened before. I fought a lot with another ex, and she said several times that we can't go on like this, but she didn't actually leave me until I said "You're right, I have to work on my problems."

[malin819]

What sucks is that she begged me for us to try again 2 months back. She was a total mess but yesterday she had a damn smile on her face when I picked up my stuff.

 

She was saying all those great thins about our love and how we would grow together bla bla bla and next day she txt me to dump me.

 

I'm really mad because I fell for whatever she said to me but I should have looked at the facts and listened.

[Chi townD]

She had a smile on her face when you picked your stuff up? Is she delusional or was she being vindictive?

[Trovador]

How many times has she dumped you? How many times will she do it again?

 

It's time to dethrone her. She is not more important than you. You should be a bit selfish now. You come before her. Your recovery comes before her. You worry about you now.

 

You know what you have to do, even so I will tell you: strict, hard, no mercy NC... no second thoughts and no thoughts about getting back together...

 

Don't even write on you diary about her, heck, I'd burn it right away!

 

You are building your future now, put only the best materials on it...

[Kevin_D]

Some women are experts on making you seem like the bad guy. Yeah, I know it's not acceptable to say nasty stuff just because you're jealous. But I still think it's funny that when a man says something stupid, it will always be called "verbal abuse". But if the same man enjoys talking to other women, it's called "emotional neglect".

 

Many women enjoy playing the victim, even though it's perfectly clear that they are in charge and know exactly what they're doing.

 

The problem is that guys usually hit on girls. This means that a girl can get a lot of attention by just sitting there, doing nothing. If a guy tries to get the same attention, he basically has to flirt with other girls, turning him into an *******. Some women enjoy exploiting this mechanic, which causes jealousy.

[malin819]

I can't tell to be honest but my therapie made me realize a few points about her..

[malin819]

Well I went out with all my friends yesterday and I knew my ex was there with her friends for her bday.

 

We didnt talk but she knew I was there. Afterwards I txted her happy bday by respect and the **** hit the fan. She accused me of being a low blow going there it was her night and bla bla bla. At least she made sure to tell me it was over again.

 

I deleted her and blocked her off facebook but I now regret it...did I do the right thing?

[malin819]

I'm heartbroken guys I feel betrayed and used. I'm mad agaist myself for believing her that the love was strong that we could go through everything

[BC1980]

I'm heartbroken guys I feel betrayed and used. I'm mad agaist myself for believing her that the love was strong that we could go through everything

 

This is why you shouldn't send even a birthday text. It seems innocent, but it opens up a whole new can of worms.

[malin819]

ok so after blocking her everywhere saturday night I didn't hear from her and it helped me not to look at her facebook or snapchats

 

Yesterday was her birthday and I didn't even call or txt..yes I felt bad but she pulled the plug so many times on our relationship. Why would I bother?

 

One of her friend txted me in the evening yesterday (she asked me 2 months ago to help her out with her resume) She said she still wanted help from but didn't talk to because of the situation with the ex. She also said that my ex was ok with me helping her out (seriously??? Its a free world I can do whatever I want)

 

I believe her friend txted me to see if I changed my number.

 

I have my down moments during the day were I think of what she is doing and with who she is but I also have moment where I don't give a damn.

 

I'll continue posting here since it helps me vent when I want to reach out

 

PS: She was expecting that I go see her yesterday for her birthday

[Chi townD]

ok so after blocking her everywhere saturday night I didn't hear from her and it helped me not to look at her facebook or snapchats

 

Yesterday was her birthday and I didn't even call or txt..yes I felt bad but she pulled the plug so many times on our relationship. Why would I bother?

 

One of her friend txted me in the evening yesterday (she asked me 2 months ago to help her out with her resume) She said she still wanted help from but didn't talk to because of the situation with the ex. She also said that my ex was ok with me helping her out (seriously??? Its a free world I can do whatever I want)

 

I believe her friend txted me to see if I changed my number.

 

I have my down moments during the day were I think of what she is doing and with who she is but I also have moment where I don't give a damn.

 

I'll continue posting here since it helps me vent when I want to reach out

 

PS: She was expecting that I go see her yesterday for her birthday

 

 

How do you know she was expecting to see you? Did her friend tell you this?

 

 

And why the hell would you want to after she blasted you the last time about being anywhere around her? Delusional.

 

 

Keep her blocked and move on with your life.

[malin819]

Yep its what I heard but I didn't bother saying happy birthday or didn't contact her after her hissy fight satuday

[Chi townD]

Yeah dude, immature BS. Just keep on healing and moving on.

 

 

Are you going to help her friend with her resume? If this is the case and you meet up with her; if she brings up your Ex, just say to her, " Yeah, I would rather not talk about her. She hurt me pretty badly and she also made herself perfectly clear where I stood with her. So, there's nothing more to talk about with her. She wanted me out of her life, so I'll give her exactly what she's asking for. So, if you don't mind, could we stick to fixing your resume?"