Does healing include getting with others?

[iPhone]

I should say, to YOU, does healing include this?

 

Let's be real. People really only break up with others to get with someone else. I'd say that 95% of relationships fall under that. Yeah, yeah, your ex had a "great" excuse for breaking up with you and it's totally understandable.

 

Reality is they got with someone else.

 

My ex fiance of 4 years broke up with me and was "talking" with some 32 year old felon creep days later, for example.

 

 

 

 

 

So, how about us?

 

I'm not saying jump into relationships. But would you go out kissing and getting numbers?

 

I have.

 

I used to think that pickup artist crap was crap. Until I got 9 numbers from very attractive people in the past week or so.

 

It doesn't entirely alleviate the pain, but at least I don't feel so stupid...

 

How do you stand on the subject? What does "healing" constitute to you, and is there a "right" way to heal? Psychologically and factually, is there REALLY a RIGHT way to heal..

[Never Again]

Saying 95% of breakups fall under that is a huge leap.

 

Sometimes people just aren't happy. Yes, some people hold onto what they have UNTIL they find someone else, but that doesn't mean they left BECAUSE they found someone new.

 

It's like getting rid of an old car. You don't want the one you have, but some people wait until they find a new model, check it over, get a loan, and are ready to purchase before dropping the old one off at a scrap yard. Those people simply can't comprehend life without a car.

 

Likewise, there are people who can't comprehend life without a relationship.

 

There are many, many people who'd rather be alone than in a relationship yet feel lonely and unhappy.

 

That being said, it can be a huge ego boost to get numbers and get with new people, but that kind of "healing" is like putting baid-aids on a deep laceration. Dating and having fun, when you're ready for it and not doing it because of your ex, is a great great thing...but if you're incapable of leaving your baggage at the door, you're in for bigger problems.

 

There's no "right" way to heal - but there are plenty of wrong ways...and anything that ropes other people into your healing process unwittingly or against their will is a WRONG way in my opinion.

 

Then again, using people is exactly the reason Pickup Artists exist, soooooo...to each their own. That stuff just aggravates me because it's entirely founded on the Dark Triad of narcissism, Machiavellianism and psychopathy (even "feel good" PUAs like David Deangelo advocates playing these crappy games).

Edited February 19, 2014 by Pfenixphire

[pickflicker]

I should say, to YOU, does healing include this?

 

Let's be real. People really only break up with others to get with someone else. I'd say that 95% of relationships fall under that. Yeah, yeah, your ex had a "great" excuse for breaking up with you and it's totally understandable.

 

Reality is they got with someone else.

 

My ex fiance of 4 years broke up with me and was "talking" with some 32 year old felon creep days later, for example.

 

 

 

 

 

So, how about us?

 

I'm not saying jump into relationships. But would you go out kissing and getting numbers?

 

I have.

 

I used to think that pickup artist crap was crap. Until I got 9 numbers from very attractive people in the past week or so.

 

It doesn't entirely alleviate the pain, but at least I don't feel so stupid...

 

How do you stand on the subject? What does "healing" constitute to you, and is there a "right" way to heal? Psychologically and factually, is there REALLY a RIGHT way to heal..

 

Let's be real - inventing statistics isn't going to explain why your ex broke up with you. I would say that most people break up because someone doesn't want to be with you anymore - not necessarily because something better came along.

 

PUA works on stupid girls, it doesn't work on the smart ones. Use it if it helps.

[iPhone]

Let's be real - inventing statistics isn't going to explain why your ex broke up with you. I would say that most people break up because someone doesn't want to be with you anymore - not necessarily because something better came along.

 

PUA works on stupid girls, it doesn't work on the smart ones. Use it if it helps.

 

Hope you're a good swimmer because you're living in de Nile

[Never Again]

Hope you're a good swimmer because you're living in de Nile

 

Clever. Hope that's one of your pick up lines.

 

If you're comfortable bumping up your own value by diminishing someone else's, presenting false fronts of aggression and dominance because it provides a sense of false confidence, then go for it.

 

I don't personally see exploiting other people's emotions as a way to feel better about myself, but to either their own.

[pickflicker]

Hope you're a good swimmer because you're living in de Nile

 

Wow, looks like why your ex broke up with you is becoming clearer.

[Gemini x]

Your thread makes you come across as bitter and I don't blame you. Clearly, you're hurting but that's not true for everybody.

 

My ex left me because he was unhappy with our fighting. His patience ran out before mine did and he couldn't handle it any longer. It didn't have anything to do with other people. We were just at each other's throats constantly. From what I can tell he hasn't gotten with anybody yet, nor have I. He isn't the type to rebound, booty call, one night stand, he just isn't. It was me that actually pursued him 3 years ago. He doesn't need a relationship and is picky about who he gets in one with so I'm sure he's living a happy drama free life at the moment but I highly doubt it's with someone else right now. He has friends and family for support throughout all of this so he'll be fine regardless.

 

As for me, I'm just doing all I can to get through the day and being with someone else is nowhere near, even remotely, being considered. I have no interest in the opposite sex right now. I'm keeping to my closest friends and family until I feel some type of indifference and then I'll move forward and think about number swaps. I actually can't stand the thought of getting "close" to another man right now.

 

I'm sorry you're going through this, OP, but not everyone is like your ex. I know the ego boost is nice but don't lose your head over what she did. Don't turn yourself into someone you're not because of what your ex put you through. Don't play games.

[Chi townD]

Does getting phone numbers and flirting with girls help you feel better. Yeah, temporarily. Makes you feel like you still got it and it feels good to know that you are still desirable to the opposite sex.

 

But, to date a girl when you're clearly not in the state of mind to date; well, you're not being fair to yourself and you're certainly not being fair to the girl you would date.

[mantlefan]

It's like getting rid of an old car. You don't want the one you have, but some people wait until they find a new model, check it over, get a loan, and are ready to purchase before dropping the old one off at a scrap yard. Those people simply can't comprehend life without a car.

 

 

 

I love analogies, and this is a good one.

[d0nnivain]

There is a an old saying about the fastest way to get over somebody is to get under somebody else. It's got a ring of truth to it.

 

 

I have ended relationships & been dumped to stand on my own two feet independently but I have also ended relationships to move on to the next. While that may not work for everybody, it's better than cheating.

[iPhone]

Eh this topic is for fun no need to get so serious flicker. Think you need a break from trying to help people.

 

I do not honestly sleep with any of them. My goal is to get to know people. I am not sleeping with anyone else til marriage.

 

My 95% of people breaking up for someone else is exaggerated but you can count on the majority of dumpers to be doing it for someone else. That's basic psychology.

[pickflicker]

Eh this topic is for fun no need to get so serious flicker. Think you need a break from trying to help people.

 

I do not honestly sleep with any of them. My goal is to get to know people. I am not sleeping with anyone else til marriage.

 

My 95% of people breaking up for someone else is exaggerated but you can count on the majority of dumpers to be doing it for someone else. That's basic psychology.

 

No, I'm not overy serious, you're being rude for no reason. You were rude to my first response and you're subsequently rude to me again.

[iPhone]

No, I'm not overy serious, you're being rude for no reason. You were rude to my first response and you're subsequently rude to me again.

 

My apologies. So much is lost in text versus vocal speech. But do tell what is your avatar? It appears as two slippers with spikes on them and it is perplexing.

[pickflicker]

My apologies. So much is lost in text versus vocal speech. But do tell what is your avatar? It appears as two slippers with spikes on them and it is perplexing.

 

They're high-heeled shoes.

[Imightfail]

tried this but I think that no, it does not help at all you only waste your time and theirs and feel more lonely because you love the other person

[iPhone]

tried this but I think that no, it does not help at all you only waste your time and theirs and feel more lonely because you love the other person

 

This is deep my friend and makes sense. I appreciate the personal insight experience.

[changedlife]

I've thought about going out and hitting on girls to make myself feel better. But what does it accomplish? My heart really only desires one person right now. I could go out and make myself feel better... but honestly that is actually just coping.

 

To me personally, I have only felt fully complete when I was in a relationship. I've always been unhappy alone, and felt lonely.

 

To me....I want to get to the point where I am happy with myself and who I am and not need that attention from another woman to make me feel desirable and good about myself.

 

I'm already making progress because right now I just feel disgusted when I think about kissing another girl.

 

That is just me and how I feel. Perhaps healing it is different for different people, but I think in order to give our bests to our future relationships we have to be happy with ourselves first.. and that for me takes some time to grieve the loss of my ex and work on myself.

[Never Again]

I do not honestly sleep with any of them. My goal is to get to know people. I am not sleeping with anyone else til marriage.

 

It's good that you're treating it like you're getting to know people, but even if you're not sleeping with them...they can still get hurt.

 

Emotional attachment can still happen.

 

It has the possibility of hurting you too, I think Imightfail nails it here:

 

tried this but I think that no, it does not help at all you only waste your time and theirs and feel more lonely because you love the other person

 

Jumping into dating again too soon, even if "just for fun" or "just to meet new people" can fuel dependency.

 

I mean, yes...biologically it can help because short term relationships and exciting moments provide large doses of dopamine and long term relationships provide oxytocin, so by going out and being social...you get both and can "ween" yourself off the "addiction". However, this stuff is also why people become co-dependent. They NEED those hormones/feelings.

 

It's just dangerous ground for you, and could lead to someone else getting hurt if you get too close then pull away.

 

 

My 95% of people breaking up for someone else is exaggerated but you can count on the majority of dumpers to be doing it for someone else. That's basic psychology.

 

Eh. Sometimes people breakup because they're just unhappy.

 

I mean, the underlying thought is that they have an IDEA of a better person. There may not be someone else there now, but they know someday there could be and they want to be open to that chance.

 

When it comes down to it, it doesn't really matter much. When they're gone, they're gone.

[changedlife]

 

Eh. Sometimes people breakup because they're just unhappy.

 

I mean, the underlying thought is that they have an IDEA of a better person. There may not be someone else there now, but they know someday there could be and they want to be open to that chance.

 

When it comes down to it, it doesn't really matter much. When they're gone, they're gone.

 

Yeah this is true for me. I put my ex through hell a year ago... we tried to recover but she couldn't get back to that happy place she was in. She had too many memories of the pain, and seeing me just reminded her of the past. It put in her head the IDEA that there was somebody else out there for her possibly and she wasn't going to settle until she found it. Truth is... I've done a 180 and been treating her way better than ever before. I haven't been perfect by any means but Sometimes its just hard for people to heal and let go of some previous hurt. It makes me sad, guilty for hurting her like I did a year ago, and my heart breaks for her due to the pain she is in.

 

But yes... sometimes people just aren't happy. Whether that is your fault or not, its hard to help your loved one get happy when they don't want to be with you.

[iPhone]

Phoenix your post was very enlightening and true. I am impressed and you speak the truth.

 

Changed life I relate to you a lot. I used to always feel I needed a relationship for validation or something. For confidence. Proof I'm good enough.

 

I personally started going to the gym every day and doing heavy weight lifting and a ton of research into supplements and stuff. I recommend checking this out as it is one thing that has helped alleviate the hole.

[changedlife]

Yeah I got a gym membership at the beginning of the year when I was still in the relationship. She broke up with me and I haven't had the energy to go. I've lost several pounds of weight in the last month and I'm a pretty skinny guy as it is. It's one thing I need to start doing to get my mind off it, just hard to get that motivation right now.

[Omei]

I know for months and months when my ex left me he wasn't seeing anyone he's not the type and we were still in contact that's why my hope was kept alive for so long and I had such a hard time getting over it.

 

We're in NC now and 12 months later I've been with someone else a fling and finally feel like my need for my ex is gone, even the need for a relationship is gone tho id like one im very happy single.

 

So it's not true for all that that most ppl leave to be with someone else, but it does seem that way esp with young people.

 

To answer the titles question yeah I feel better after I've been with someone confident again but if I had done it right after I prob would of been more hurt inside.

Edited February 20, 2014 by Omei